Too Bad For Christine O'Donnell (But Good For The Rest Of Us!) The Wicked Witch Of Delaware Couldn't Cast A Spell Making Her Own Dumb, Idiot Self Disappear

Christine O'Donnell is not a witch (maybe). She's you! If you too happen to be an unstable, crazy D-list airhead who, instead of masturbating like some deviant whore, spends your ample spare time blurting out as many outrageously dumb, offensive things to piss off as many A, B & C-list celebrities as is humanly wiccanly possible on nationally televised shows like Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher that don't go poof! when you wiggle your nose

I mean seriously, who among us hasn't spent most of the 90s enraging Ben Affleck and/or Danny Bonaduce with a hairdo so hideous the only solution for distracting a person from having to look at this eyesore mop is the continuous stream of asinine bullshit coming out of their equally dumb, hideous mouth??

Exactly!

I, for one, cannot even count on both hands, the number of times I've gotten into screaming matches with Jimmy Kimmel, Sisqó or made Al Franken so vein-poppin' mad that they came thisclose to physically slapping the dumb smirk right off my stupid face!

In fact, I don't even think a person has truly lived until the very sight of their face is enough to invoke automatic gag reflexes in anyone within a 30-foot radius. Fortunately, Christine understands this. So well in fact that she's basically mastered the art of repelling every other carbon-based, oxygen breathing specimen without even so much as casting a single spell from her handy pocket-sized Wiccan handbook of incantations, given to her as a gift from Delaware's high witch of the underworld.

All Christine has to do is open that sweet mouth of hers, part those two perfectly shaded lips (like Moses!) and let the organic human repellent known as her retarded beliefs or whatever demented words that tiny little brain thinks of now, do the rest. Almost like magic!

Some of Miss O'Donnell's highlights lowlights:

• "She says that every time on this show, that condoms wouldn't protect you," says Maher. "Well no one else is saying it," says O'Donnell. "That's because no one else is nuts like you," says Maher. Point, Maher.
• "I'm going nuts with you people," an exasperated future-Senator Al Franken proclaims. And this coming from a man who isn't afraid to don a diaper and bunny ears in the name of comedy!
• "When men go into these strip joints, and testosterone is pouring out the eyeballs, what do you think they're gonna do?" asks O'Donnell. Oh, so that's where babies come from?? Silly me, I always thought it was the magic Jesus stork!
• "You have to tell me about the ex-homosexuals," author Clive Barker asked O'Donnell.
• "If she says Jews for Jesus, I'm gonna hit her," says magician Penn Jillet. Ooooh, please say Jews for Jesus, please say Jews for Jesus!
• "I'm begging you stop for one second," says Affleck. "Ten more seconds to make my point," O'Donnell says. "I'm begging you, I just want to ask you one question," Affleck says. "Yeah, get on your knees," says O'Donnell. "She says she didn't like sex, but..." says Affleck, who then had to restrain himself from smacking the witch, oops, make that the bitch, straight across the face. Here's the thing Christine, you can't both be against sex, while at the same eye-fucking every good-looking guy thisclose to spitting on your dumb face, courtesy of your idiot antics.
• "You would look amazing in a black bathing suit," comedian Steven Wright tells O'Donnell. Even better in a black cloak, pointy black hat, black f*ck-me boots, & of course, the obligatory pentagram necklace and/or vial of virgin blood.
• "Are you for anything fun?" asks Bonaduce. "Yes, I am for having fun!" says O'Donnell.

Oh hahahaha! Of course, Christine is all for having fun! But not the fun your sick, twisted, impure, non-witchcraft dabbling self is used to having, like say the kind that involves friends, alcohol, evil coitus, and any type of sinful private-part rubbing.

Or, for that matter, any other immoral, non-O'Donnell sanctioned activity that doesn't involve a bubbling black cauldron, a dozen live newts (or just one of the horrible Gingrich variety!), and/or a whole coven of anti-masturbation misfits who know the path to enlightenment is paved with sexual suppression, Jesus Christ, one part bat whiskers, two parts mummified toenails, a cup of black cat fat, two teaspoons of vampire blood, a pinch of gargoyle sweat, a handful of troll teeth, three cups broom sweepings, and a dash of Lizard gizzards.

Bleeding (liberal) heart, optional.

C'mon, Does This Look Like The Face Of A Crazy Witch To You?