Christine O'Donnell Isn't A Witch, Just Like Richard Nixon Isn't A Crook, & Larry Craig Isn't A Man-Tail Scouring, Self-Hating Homo!

America's #1 puritan, self-pleasure-free, meatball-gobbling witch Christine O'Donnell has emerged from her self-imposed exile to avoid further humiliation on national TV every time she opens her adorable, scholarly mouth, with a brand spanking new, first-ever general election ad.

And now that she's rested, rejuvenated and perfected the ditzy substitute teacher with a steamy hot secret "I just banged a student in the backseat of my Dodge Neon" look, complete with sophisticated crisp black blazer and shiny pearls, Christine O'Donnell is ready to talk about the pressing issues facing America, not the innocent, youthful indiscretions of her wet 'n wild, Wiccan-dabbling past.

And boy does Miss Christine really cast a spell on the nation with this one!

Her intro: "I'm not a witch. I'm nothing you've heard." Really? Really, Christine? Nothing?? Oh brother. And also: "I'm you." You're me?

Wait, so this is just some horrifying nightmare where we're watching ourselves morph from some dumb-as-Delaware, college sleazebag, Hare Krishna/Buddhism/Witchcraft-dabbling Creationist whore whose sudden epiphany that Jesus Christ wants her to stop touching her private parts, prompts us to start downing meatballs, denounce science & all rational thought, and run for Delaware Senate instead?

And, we're also all insane liars and chronically unemployed 41-year-old virgins whose grasp of science is limited to the belief that evil, mad geneticists are busy splicing humans and mice together in some sick, twisted liberal plot to fill the world with Chuck E. Cheese Armies?

Hmmm, she does have a point there.

But, if Christine is us, then who are we?

Oh. My. God. We're all some deranged Teabaggin' Monica Lewinsky/Sarah Palin hybrid, channeling our inner 90's slutty intern to save the world from evil masturbation, one skillful blowjob at a time??

Not a witch, huh? Fine, let's just split the difference and burn the bitch instead!

"I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman."

"I Did Not Have Satanic Rituals With That Wiccan."

"I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With My Hand."