GOP Rep. Spencer Bachus Finds Out The Hard Way What Happens When Silly Swamp Rats Make Mama Grizzly Mad, Very Mad!

The world's widely beloved Arctic snow drifter, the most perfect specimen since Jesus Christ Himself, Sarah Louise Palin, lent her ingenuity and grace to this year's Senate elections, endorsing several choice candidates, many of whom were spectacularly defeated, most by embarrassingly wide margins.

In several instances, Sarah's unwelcome and idiotic intrusion into the electoral landscape cost the GOP once-perfectly safe races, like backing meatball gobbling anti-masturbation witch Christine O'Donnell simply because SarBear saw a reflection of her own vapid self in the empty eyes of a similarly ditzy Delaware never-was. Or say, endorsing a lightly bearded Alaskan lumberjack, Joe Miller, with a harmless habit of arresting every no-good journylist pokin' their noses every which way, askin' too many questions, all because of her petty, longstanding grudge against fellow Alaskan Lisa Murkowski for having the audacity to also be a popular Republican with female lady parts from the frozen middle of nowhere.

Of course, one would only dare mention these wonderful facts if they had nothing to do with the Republican Party, or its special needs outreach program for obese Caucasians on Socialist Medicare scooters, the Tea Party.

Too bad Louisiana GOP Congressman Rep. Spencer Bachus didn't get the memo, because he made the grave mistake of saying what everyone with a functioning brain already knew: that Sarah Palin's Mama Grizzly campaign circus act doomed the Republicans' chances of winning both chambers of Congress by costing the Party easy victories like the one Mike Castle was supposed to cruise to in Delaware, before being unceremoniously knocked out by the Barracuda's bewitching, Bobbsey Twin on a broomstick, Christine O' (is for Orgasm-free) Donnell.

"The Senate would be Republican today except for states in which Palin endorsed candidates like Christine O'Donnell in Delaware," Bachus said. "Sarah Palin cost us control of the Senate."

And much like any dumb, pathetic sadsack who dare cross St. Sarah before him, Spencer Bachus quickly realized that unless he wanted his political career to follow the same trajectory as Sarah Palin's credibility or Bristol Palin's virginity (or wake up with a bloody severed horse head in his bed), he would be well served to get on his knees and grovel, begging her Arctic highness for forgiveness.

Questioned by the Associated Press Tuesday following his anti-Palin comments, a spokesperson for Bachus, Tim Johnson, downplayed the remark, saying it had been taken out of context...Johnson added that Rep. Bachus was “extremely complimentary” of both Palin and the Tea Party.

Out of context? What, was he actually talking about an alternate dimension? Like maybe the Sarah-controlled social networking land of cyberspace??

Oh, oops my bad! He must've been talking 'bout Pandora again, the crazy bastard!

But be careful, Bachus! Unless you want Snowbilly Sarah to send Joe Miller to handcuff you to a radiator while Rand Paul stomps on your head and Christine casts one of her signature spells (stupidity? meatballs? sexual frustration?) on your unsuspecting, gagged & bound, bashed in Bachus, err, Tuchus. Whatever, you get the gist.

Or in SarahSpeak, "an offer you can't refudiate!"

Joe Miller Loves Freedom So Much, He'll Take Away Yours Just For Asking Too Many Meany Questions

If you are a no-good, arugula-eating, non-mammal killing journylist in the Great State of Alaska and maybe wanna ask the actual Republican running for U.S. Senate, Joe 'Grizzly Beard' Miller, a question or two after a town hall meeting at an Anchorage middle school, consider yourself forewarned, my friend!

"We've drawn a line in the sand. You can ask me about background, you can ask me about personal issues -- I'm not going to answer," Miller said.

So there!

"We are calling upon all responsible members of the media (like Fox News?) to focus on the issues, the legitimate issues (Obama's birth origins?) and not repeat basically the lies and innuendos, not repeat the clear violations of law (that I, Joe Miller, committed) but to focus on the issues at hand. Now I'll admit, and I've said this before, I'm a man of flaws (no freakin' way!), there's no question about it. (Hey watch it, mister, we don't say the "Q" word here!) You know, I wasn't born with a silver spoon, I haven't been born wealthy," he said.

Duh! Why else would he and his wife be suffering from the "entitlement mentality" he's always shrieking about, and secretly receiving the very state and federal subsidies and/or low-income medical benefits he's hates so much for his large, strapping family of eight children if he was some rich librul elitist instead of some rich rightwing hypocrite who looks like a homeless person?

Nevermind don't answer that!

Unless, of course, you too want to get handcuffed and detained by the large, similarly hairy, flannel-clad behemoths who comprise Joe's security detail, and keep their beloved, boot-wearing Paul Bunyan-esque Tea Party candidate safe from scary journalists, nosing around about his "personal background," racking up a whole bunch of credit card debt and reneging on student loans at hoity toity elitist librul Ivy League schools like Yale, instead of real 'merican institutions like Wasilla Community College.

The same scruffy faced Ivy League-educated Teabag lawyer and possible Brawny paper towel spokesman, Joe Miller, who defeated washed up, old hag incumbent Lisa Murkowski in the Republican primary, invited a bunch of fellow friends and freedom-lovers on his favoritest Facebook and Twitter to join him at a town hall meeting to debate the issues, before suddenly deciding he doesn't care much for this whole freedom of speech, question' askin' tomfoolery, so kindly scram before Joe gets really angry and goes full-out Todd Palin on your behinds.

That's right, folks! Mama Grizz Sarah Palin and her faithful hubby Todd aren't the only Alaska Republican with slight-to-severe anger & overreaction problems!

Just ask Tony Hopfinger, founder and editor of news website Alaska Dispatch who found himself pinned face-first against a wall, handcuffed, and placed "under arrest" by Joe Miller's roving gang of black-suit wearing security guards protecting their Tea Boss Joe against meany reporters and their probing inquiries of his past misdeeds. Or at least until real police officers showed up and told the guards to release him because as far as they're concerned, it is still legal in Alaska to ask senate candidates questions other than what they ate for brunch last Saturday.

Well Joe Miller certainly doesn't think so! He knows the dirty culprit Tony Hopfinger, editor of the evil Alaska Dispatch Internet website, deserved to be arrested by fake officers of the law/real paid employees of Miller's campaign for committing high treason. In other words, asking a question poor ol' Joe didn't much like. How's that for gotcha journalism?

Tony Hopfinger was handcuffed by [Miller's private security] guards and detained in a hallway at Central Middle School until Anchorage police came and told the guards to release Hopfinger.

Hopfinger, who was holding a small video camera, said he was attempting to draw out a statement from Miller on why he was disciplined by the Fairbanks North Star Borough when Miller worked there as a part-time attorney.

After Miller walked away, Hopfinger said, Miller’s security team pushed him and he pushed back because he felt his personal space was being invaded. He says guards detained him and accused him of trespassing, although the town hall was a public event held at Central Middle School, a public building.

“The Dispatch reporter repeatedly pushed a camera into the face of Mr. Miller,” Miller's security guard William Fulton said. “He continued to aggressively pursue him. I told the reporter several times that he needed to stop and that he was trespassing, he ignored me. He then proceeded to stalk Mr. Miller and even shoved an individual into a locker. Based upon this trespass and his assault, we detained him and escorted him from the premises.”

You go, Joe!

Of course a simple “no comment” usually does the trick, but not for figthin' Joe Miller, who apparently much prefers to handcuff and faux arrest citizens instead. It's waaaaay more fun and exciting, albeit potentially embarrassing, though Joe's never seemed to have a problem with that before. He did get endorsed by Sarah Palin, after all!

In a statement on the incident Sunday evening, Miller said Hopfinger appeared irrational, angry and potentially violent. You mean he pulled a Palin??

“While I've gotten used to the blog Alaska Dispatch's assault on me and my family, I never thought that it would lead to a physical assault,” Miller said. “It's too bad that this blogger would take advantage of a ‘Town Hall’ meeting to create a publicity stunt just two weeks before the election.”

Yes, how dare this insidious blogger take advantage of an all-inclusive Town Hall meeting to create a publicity stunt about how this one psycho Teabagger for Senate (no one ever heard of before two months ago) refuses to answer any press questions about his weirdo personal or professional background, but will not hesitate to arrest any dumb sad sack media schlub who speaks such blasphemy just two weeks before the election!?

When will this rude, nosy, no-life blogger learn it is not the place of journalists to ask their little-known political candidates to disclose the truth about the various quasi-legal undertakings of their shady past, like say back in 2008 when they were not-at-all-sketchily fired from their part time job as city attorney for Fairbanks North Star Borough for inappropriately using government property to unseat the state GOP party chairman?? I mean, ugh, the nerve!

This is not what good upstanding Joe Miller citizens do! Sure, feel free to ask the man what his favorite color is (umm, white?), his preferred caliber hunting rifle (.338 Winchester Magnum, 24" barrel, 2-6x scope), or even his favoritest blend of delicious, refreshing herbal Tea (anything but black!). These are all well and good and Joe would be more than happy to answer each 'n every one of 'em. 

When will the stupid lamestream media get it through their thick skulls that Joe Miller does not want nor will tolerate being treated like an an actual candidate for U.S. Senate who has to answer questions about not just their past, but their present, future, and all other relevant information relating to their 43 years of existence on Earth?

Does his flannel shirt, lumberjack beard, and long, sketchy history of debt-ridden scandals and abuses of power not tell you everything you need to know??

For Christ's sake, the man enjoys his hotcakes thick, fluffy, stacked sky high, and drenched in sweet syrup, believes in the power of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, hates gubmint, loves freedom, (except the annoying press kind), adores Alaska, save for that awful Murkowski lady, and is just like you!

Sans the legal/professional woes, serial killer beard, whole 'living in Alaska' thing, and of course deep gratitude to El Barracuda herself, Sarah Louise Palin, for putting a no-name hothead who loves federal benefits and facial hair but simply can't stand bastard reporters' pryin' questions, on the political map.

But on the bright side, at least Joe Miller's campaign is staying on message: "I am an asshole & you will be arrested."

Now shut your stinkin' trap, mind your own darn business, go vote for Joe, and maybe, just maybe, the wondrous state of Alaska can be big enough for Joe and those who don't enjoy steel cuffs locked around their bruised, swollen wrists by some freaky nobody senate candidate's crazed, overzealous, Gestapo campaign staff.

Isn't freedom the bestest???

Hmmm, what's that you say? "No comment?" Wise choice, pal.

Anger Bear Todd Palin Will Not Hesitate To Harrass You With Misspelled, Error-Ridden, Special Needs Emails Ordering You To Endorse President Palin

Contrary to popular opinion, it's not just Mama Grizzlies who bellow, roar, and seethe with white, hot anger when feeling even the slightest bit threatened by hunters, poachers, the lamestream media, or whatever dark, ominous forces are bothering the massive, predatory beasts now.

Cause Papa can play that game too!

And rest assured, Mama Grizzly's husband, Anger Bear Todd, won't hesitate to bite the freakin' head off of any dumb, hapless schmuck unlucky enough to cross his big, bad, error-ridden, grammatically incorrect path!

Don't believe me? HA! Try it. I dare you. Just look at the electronic beatdown Papa Bear unloaded on fellow scruffy bearded Alaskan Teabag Joe Miller, for having  the snowballs big enough to so much as even question whether wifey Sarah, the Sarah Palin, was "qualified" for the job of President of the Wasilla Moose Club, let alone the entire 50 states.

Is she qualified?? Is the Pope Catholic? The sky blue? C'mon, I mean, have you even seen all the effort she puts into writing rambling, incoherent Facebook posts? Or how about all the energy that goes into Tweeting 140-character bits of sage wisdom in the foreign language known as Dumblish?

Anger Bear & (soon-to-be) First Lady Todd to the rescue!

Can you believe the nerve of that bearded bastard Joe Miller?? St. Sarah spent all morning slaving away on a Facebook status update for someone she thought was a friend. And this is the thanks she gets? A tepid, half-assed, "It is not my role to comment" when asked whether former half-term governor, Republican vice presidential runner-up, and world famous social networker Sarah Palin would be a qualified pick for the presidential race in 2012.

Speaking on "Fox News Sunday," Miller, who has been backed by Palin in his Senate race, said that he is focused on his current campaign and that, “I am not going to get distracted by other candidates.” 

Oh yes you will, Joe! Yes you will, God damn it! When a superstar like Sarah endorses some silly nobody like you, you Joe Miller, are contractually, no make that Constitutionally bound to endorse that person for president, even if that person happens to be an unelectable, unemployed Arctic drifter with no real qualifications 'cept makin' as many precious li'l miracles of God and moose piles o' money as is humanly possible.

Clearly, a certain "Joe Miller" has no idea how hard it is to post a status update on Facebook!

But then again, perhaps Todd failed to think through his whole, "Put yourself in her shoe’s Joe for one day" argument, and not just because it makes no sense and is more special needs than li'l Trigger could ever be.

Besides, if Joe put himself in Sarah's $500 designer, RNC-funded f**k me pumps, he would probably wind up out of work and knocked up by Todd's special (needs) sperm too!

And that would just be gay and gross, wouldn't it, Todd? Who's with me??

I'll tell you who's not with you, other than that good-for-nothin' Joe Miller jerk, and that is, naturally, the lamestream media, who per usual, are really the ones to blame for this whole imagined email-gate scandal. Not including the other culprit called English grammar, of course!

But all's well that end's well, and what could be a better, more satisfying ending than another delicious, error-ridden, gibberish Tweet from the Grand Master Twat herself, Sarah Palin, to finally put to rest this whole media-concocted scandal about sweet Mama Grizz and her loyal Anger Bear Hubby Todd, in 140 presidentially-unqualified, mentally retarded-qualified characters or less.

Hmmm, not sure what the hell "There's no there, there" means, unless of course she's referring to something a caring parent or skilled hunter might say to comfort a sad child, newly dumped & pregnant teen, or suffering mammal they just shot, or whatever.

The point is if a Palin said it, it must be 100% based in facts and truth.

The sad part is that Tweet took 5 hours, 3 ghostwriters, a six pack of any brew (but treacherous Miller!), and no less than 50 grams of the finest crystal meth Wasilla has to offer.

Who The Hell Is 'Orora' & What Has It Done To America's Most Cherished Online Cheerleader Sarah Palin?

Since holding an actual elected position is clearly beneath her Arctic highness Sarah Palin (the only qualified person in America to do anything), perhaps more suited to her "skills" would be to function as an effective wingnut “cheerleader,” based purely on her experience in patriotically quitting the only elected statewide office she's ever held, and brilliantly figuring out how to get knocked up & birth a litter o' precious miracles of God with weirdo, suspiciously liberal names.

Just ask Family Research Council President and last line of defense against the evil scourge of homosinuality threatening to gay (and lesbian) marry our nation's impressionable, confused children, Tony Perkins.

Perkins, in a bit of candor that some conservative leaders don’t always voice, called Palin “a great spokesman” and added that “she says what a lot of people think.”
“But you know a lot of people sometimes realize we shouldn’t say everything we think,” he continued. “Maybe it is that she is more of a cheerleader and one who rallies conservatives together as opposed maybe to being their top choice for president.”

Or, perhaps, in the same vein as the legendary George W. Bush, she could be both the greatest cheerleader and greatest U.S. President, in the history of mankind?

The woman does have a knack for wearin' tight li'l numbers and shrieking senseless, catchy slogans with no real meaning except revvin' up the angry, over-caffeinated, under-educated, old white supremacist crowd.

She's even mastered the art of spewing hateful "cheers" in 140 incoherent characters or less on her favoritest megaphone, the Wasilla World Wide Web!

And by the looks of her latest Mastertweet, somebody (Jesus?) must have informed our prized Snow Drifter that the 'Aurora Borealis' indeed occurs in her Arctic neck of the woods, who in turn, thought, "Golly gee, 'Orora' does sound like a great handle, dontcha know, plus now the lamestream media won't be able to call me dumb anymore, with all this fancy shmancy science-y stuff, oh ya betcha!" Wink, Wink!

Ha ha screw you leetist non-Alaskans with ur I.V. League insistence on korrect spelluns' & Kelsey Grammer rules.

But what exactly does 'Orora' Sarah mean by "my advice for Lisa?" Lisa who? Lisa Simpson? They were in Alaska for their movie. But then again that was back when Sarah was still an unknown nobody with an actual job and responsibilities, not a super-star celebrity somebody whose only employment is duping dumb poor rednecks out of their hard-earned money.

Could she mean Lisa Ling? Perhaps she's confusing Lisa with her other, slightly less-famous journalist sister Laura, who she still mistakenly believes is being held hostage by that crazy midget in the bad Korea?

Hmmm, possibly. Or could Sarah be referring to incumbent Alaskan Sen. Lisa Murkowski, who recently, not very cheerfully, announced (and didn't even chant it in fun, sing-song rhyme!) her independent bid after losing the Republican primary to that faintly-bearded weirdo Teabagger Cub Joe Miller, by swiping at Mama Grizz Sarah by saying, "Perhaps it's one time they met one Republican woman who won't quit on Alaska!"

Hmmm, this is all very confusing! Online cheerleading isn't as easy as it looks!

And what is with the extra period? Are we to assume the .”. symbol is secret Teabagger code only decipherable to non-masturbating witches in Delaware, like Sarah's other adopted grizzly cub, Christine O'Donnell? Yes, that must be it!

Besides, I was always under the impression the preferred bear-reaction advice was "pump as many rounds as humanly possible as quickly and accurately as you can with the largest-caliber weapon at your disposal, while giggling wildly like some deranged cackle of rads."

God, why does this mysterious Orora lady hate everyone's favoritest 2nd Amendment solution??

Ask yourself America, is this really the kind of person/upper atmosphere photon admissions display, we want, no make that need, (cheer)leading our nation in the 21st century?

Gimme a Y!-O!-U! Can I get a B!-E!-T!-C!-H!-A! What does that spell??

GOOOOOOOO GRIZZLIES!!!

The Original Loud Mouth President Of Megaphones, George W. Bush!