The world's widely beloved Arctic snow drifter, the most perfect specimen since Jesus Christ Himself, Sarah Louise Palin, lent her ingenuity and grace to this year's Senate elections, endorsing several choice candidates, many of whom were spectacularly defeated, most by embarrassingly wide margins.
In several instances, Sarah's unwelcome and idiotic intrusion into the electoral landscape cost the GOP once-perfectly safe races, like backing meatball gobbling anti-masturbation witch Christine O'Donnell simply because SarBear saw a reflection of her own vapid self in the empty eyes of a similarly ditzy Delaware never-was. Or say, endorsing a lightly bearded Alaskan lumberjack, Joe Miller, with a harmless habit of arresting every no-good journylist pokin' their noses every which way, askin' too many questions, all because of her petty, longstanding grudge against fellow Alaskan Lisa Murkowski for having the audacity to also be a popular Republican with female lady parts from the frozen middle of nowhere.
Of course, one would only dare mention these wonderful facts if they had nothing to do with the Republican Party, or its special needs outreach program for obese Caucasians on Socialist Medicare scooters, the Tea Party.
Too bad Louisiana GOP Congressman Rep. Spencer Bachus didn't get the memo, because he made the grave mistake of saying what everyone with a functioning brain already knew: that Sarah Palin's Mama Grizzly campaign circus act doomed the Republicans' chances of winning both chambers of Congress by costing the Party easy victories like the one Mike Castle was supposed to cruise to in Delaware, before being unceremoniously knocked out by the Barracuda's bewitching, Bobbsey Twin on a broomstick, Christine O' (is for Orgasm-free) Donnell.
"The Senate would be Republican today except for states in which Palin endorsed candidates like Christine O'Donnell in Delaware," Bachus said. "Sarah Palin cost us control of the Senate."
And much like any dumb, pathetic sadsack who dare cross St. Sarah before him, Spencer Bachus quickly realized that unless he wanted his political career to follow the same trajectory as Sarah Palin's credibility or Bristol Palin's virginity (or wake up with a bloody severed horse head in his bed), he would be well served to get on his knees and grovel, begging her Arctic highness for forgiveness.
Questioned by the Associated Press Tuesday following his anti-Palin comments, a spokesperson for Bachus, Tim Johnson, downplayed the remark, saying it had been taken out of context...Johnson added that Rep. Bachus was “extremely complimentary” of both Palin and the Tea Party.Out of context? What, was he actually talking about an alternate dimension? Like maybe the Sarah-controlled social networking land of cyberspace??
Oh, oops my bad! He must've been talking 'bout Pandora again, the crazy bastard!
But be careful, Bachus! Unless you want Snowbilly Sarah to send Joe Miller to handcuff you to a radiator while Rand Paul stomps on your head and Christine casts one of her signature spells (stupidity? meatballs? sexual frustration?) on your unsuspecting, gagged & bound, bashed in Bachus, err, Tuchus. Whatever, you get the gist.
Or in SarahSpeak, "an offer you can't refudiate!"