The heavy burden of being President of the world is brilliantly revealed in the pop-up children's book, Crazy S**t I Did While Fightin' For Freedom, also known as, Decision Points, George W. Bush's new word-filled memoir reminding the nation how lucky we are that he dropped his little drinking habit to fulfill his destiny as the bestest, most Constitution-lovingest, longest serving president thus far in the 21st Century.
And thank heavens for that, because can you even begin to imagine what the first decade of the 2000s would be like without George W. Bush steady at the helm??
Good thing you don't have to, because our beloved national leader managed to kick his fun, Texas-sized booze habit, but not before doing plenty of dumb, crazy stuff while still a fallen down drunken mess, like racking up DUI tickets and embarrassing his upstanding parents' high society friends with bizarre sex questions.
Apparently alcohol and "wise-asses" don't mix:
"So I’m drunk at the dinner table at Mother and Dad’s house in Maine. And my brothers and sister are there, Laura’s there. And I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman, friend of Mother and Dad’s," says Bush. "And I said to her out loud, 'What is sex like after 50?'"Ha ha, and now when he asks that same question, it is Laura who won't answer!
After that, one could hear a pin drop. It was “total silence,” says Bush. ” And not only silence, but like serious daggers” from my mom and my wife.
"I was a wiseass, and I would do stupid things, and alcohol had control over me. The interesting thing-- I end the anecdote with the woman writing me a letter on my 50th birthday, when I was governor of Texas, "Dear Governor: Well, what's the answer?"
So umm, thanks George and a hearty congratulations on your longtime sobriety. Too bad the rest of America has developed a serious drinking problem as a result, but hey, anything for a friend!
Oooooh, what other exciting juicy li'l tidbits does ol' cowboy George reveal on his current "Say Outrageous Things To Get People To Buy My Dumb Book Nobody Would Read Otherwise" tour?
Oh yeah, he hates abortion because this one time his mama Babs had a miscarriage when he was a teenager and liked to parade around her dead offspring in a jar.
"She said to her teenage kid, 'Here's the fetus,' " the shockingly candid Bush told NBC's Matt Lauer, gesturing as if he were holding the jar during the TV chat.But only if it's a miscarried zygote in a jar. Once it's born? Eh, screw it! Junior's on his own!
"I never expected to see the remains of the fetus, which she had saved in a jar to bring to the hospital," Bush writes in his new book, "Decision Points," in an excerpt Lauer read during the interview.
"There was a human life, a little brother or sister," Bush told the "Today" host during the sit-down to promote his tome, which hits stores tomorrow. “There’s no question that affected me, a philosophy that we should respect life.”
But “the purpose of the story wasn’t to try show the evolution of a pro-life point of view,” Bush insisted to Lauer.It was to show the evolution of a disturbed, f**ked-up childhood? To scare the kiddies on Halloween? Show the world no one puts baby in a jar? Enlighten us good sir, please!
"It was really to show how my mom and I developed a relationship."Oh sweet suffering Jesus, we're guessin' that must've been the smart and talented one.
Just imagine what could have been if only it was a dead Iraqi child his mother carried around in a Mason jar!
Maybe he would have never stopped tossing back bottles of Jack and gotten himself together enough for the Supreme Court to install him as Supreme Leader of America. And then maybe he would never have been able to shock and awe all those Iraqi women and children by spreading beautiful freedom (and smart bombs) all across the parched desert land.
But either way, a born again Bush is certainly a hell of a lot better than a dead again Dick Cheney, since Bush still has a good enough sense of humor to privately mock Arctic Hurricane Sarah Palin, and enough decency (not to mention, an actual human heart) to keep quiet about President Obama.
"I don't think it's good for a former president to be out there opining on every darned issue," George W. Bush told Oprah Winfrey. "He's got a plenty tough job. Trust me. And there's gonna be plenty of critics, and he doesn't need me criticizing him. And I don't think it's good for the presidency. Other people have a different point of view."
Like a certain pulseless monster vice president with two DD Duracell batteries for a heart, and a hobby of shooting his best friends in the face before demanding an apology for all the inconvenience of your big stupid face getting in the way of his perfect, Christ-blessed bullet.
And since Bush is "through with politics," he doesn't want to predict what might happen in 2012, either.
When asked about the possibility of Sarah Palin’s 2012 presidential bid, Bush deflected the question, saying "I am not a political pundit ... I'm really not."
"And secondly, a lot is gonna happen between now and the nominating process. I — I have no clue."
Winfrey pressed him, saying she didn’t need punditry."I'm just asking you your opinion," she said.
But Bush wasn't biting: "You're asking me to wade back into the swamp."
"Come on in," Winfrey responded. "Come on in."
Hehehe, don't be silly Oprah! Don't ya know, W doesn't do the whole colored thing! What, didn't Katrina teach you anything?? Just ask Kanye if you don't believe me.
Addressing his own dismal popularity ratings when he left office, Bush said someone recently told him that his stature in the eyes of the American people was rising. (Umm, were they drunk?)
But he insisted that wasn't important to him.
"If you chase popularity, you are chasing a moment. You are chasing a puff of air," he told Lauer.
C'mon, it's much more fun to chase WMDs instead.
Of course, Bush had nothing but praise for his father, George H.W. Bush The Elder, who was president from 1989 to 1993.
"He never disappointed me," Bush said. "He was always a great father."
Besides, disappointment was always Dubya's department, anyway!