The Only Thing Scarier Than Mobs Of Crazed, Gun-Waving Teabaggers Are Mobs Of Polite, Hand-Waving Tea Drinkers

Unless you've been living under a rock (no, no, not whatever it is that's beneath Rick Perry's perfectly combed, thick brown coif) or have simply been too busy following Sarah Palin's earth-shattering announcement not to continue duping dumb white people out of their hard-earned money in her ridiculous faux presidential ponzi scheme/grifter bus tour, chances are you're aware that thousands of everyday people have taken their peace pipes and hacky sacks and streamed into New York City to protest corporate greed, economic inequality, and of course, Wall Street's unchecked ability to forcefully bend over and repeatedly screw the rest of the 99% of pathetic, non-billionaire schlubs like you and me.

Well some people, like, say every Republican (and/or filthy rich banker, baron, magnate, mogul) to ever grace God's once-green, now oil-scorched Earth, don't much care for like-minded, progressive people putting down their soy, no-foam triple shot lattes and MacBook Pros to politely protest getting fleeced by the same mega-corporations they were forced to bail out, as a thank you for so generously causing the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.

Damn those hippie tree-huggers and their stupid whales!

It's one thing when it's heavily-armed old white sociopaths waving Nazi signs and shrieking about how giving health care to poor people and children is terrorism. But a diverse crowd of gross liberals peacefully gathering in public parks to speak out against corporate malfeasance and income equality? ARRRRGGGGHHHH, run for your lives, crazed mobs of madmen are coming to kill you!

In a speech to social conservatives at the Values Voters Summit, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor blasted the Wall Street protesters as "growing mobs" that are trying to divide the country. "Believe it or not, some in this town have actually condoned the pitting of Americans against Americans."

But only when it's poor Americans versus rich Americans. Otherwise it is terrible class warfare and has no place in his United States of AmERICANTOR.

"I for one am increasingly concerned about the growing mobs occupying Wall Street and the other cities across the country."

Yes, that's right! "Growing mobs" are not angry throngs of obese white supremacists with Jesus Saves tees and Don't Tread On Me signs motor-scootering around small town America screaming about secession, while hoisting various Glock 19s and semi-automatic machine guns before NObama takes them all away because of Socialism.

Don't be ridiculous! They are nice educated folks joining with workers unions, teachers unions, and assorted other young-to-middle aged rabble-rousers to express their collective frustration at the abusive tactics and sheer recklessness of the nation's current financial system.

Even the usually meek, deer-in-headlights White House Press Secretary Jay Carney couldn't help but call out Mr. Cantor for being even more of a sniveling hypocritical pussy than usual.

"I sense a little hypocrisy unbound here--what we're seeing on the streets of New York is an expression of democracy. I think I remember how Mr. Cantor described protests of the tea party--I can't understand how one man's mob is another man's democracy."

Umm, what exactly do you not understand? Revolution is only acceptable when it's a bunch of fat old racists who don't want to pay their taxes or help sick kids not die, duh!

Delusional fast-food merchant and self-proclaimed "black walnut" Herman Cain understands these things, just like he understands what the Republicans are looking for in their next president is someone significantly less white than Obama.

From Mother Jones:

“I don’t have facts to back this up, but I happen to believe that these demonstrations are planned and orchestrated to distract from the failed policies of the Obama administration. Don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the big banks, if you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself!”

I don't have the facts to back this up, but Herman Cain is an asshole. I don't know much about any black walnuts, but he's certainly fuckin' nuts. 

So if I have this straight, the protests are a conspiracy by Obama to anger the very people with the money to actually fund his re-election campaign, but it is not a conspiracy that the only people actually doing okay in this broke, collapsing country are the handful of ultra-rich Wall Street titans currently being protested?

Of course, it must be the fault of the poor people! Damn poor people! Why can't they just get jobs like normal people, or at least a certain awesome Black Walnut?

Oh, right probably because the Occupy Wall Street protesters have already destroyed all the jobs! Just ask New York Mayor and billionaire everyman Michael Bloomberg.

"What they're trying to do is take the jobs away from people working in this city," the mayor declared in his harshest criticism of the three-week-old protest. "They're trying to take away the tax base we have because none of this is good for tourism."

So there you have it folks. Billionaire Mayor Says Wall Street Protesters Want To Destroy Jobs.

Which is kind of awkward. Guess nobody told him Jobs is already dead!

[image via Daily Kos]

New York Nixes Gay Marriage, Reminding Us That It's Still a State in Appalachia

Just Not In Their Backyard

Yay! The land of the free remains but a cruel joke as the rights of that one group of colorful misfits known as the gays were once again denied equal rights and the same constitutional protections granted to the rest of us normal, God-loving breeders.

That's right folks! The good people of the New York State Senate voted 24-38 to defeat marriage equality and keep the gays guessing about if and when they'll be treated like real, worthy American citizens instead of some well-dressed alien species out to destroy the bedrock of society, heterosexual marriage, in all its sacred 50% divorce rate.

Thanks to the hard work of eight key swing Democrats, who hold a slight one-seat majority, the bill was handily defeated and apocalypse avoided. Naturally, not a single Republican senator voted for the bill lest they give people the impression they support gays or heavens forbid, have gone gay themselves.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg applauded "the 24 senators who courageously and compassionately voted 'yes,'" and expressed his disappointment at the Senate's rejection of the same-sex marriage bill and and true equality and justice for all New Yorkers.

If only there were something Bloomie could have done? Perhaps, something in short supply, everyone wants, and he has more than enough of?

No, not money, silly! The freedom to enter and end as many loveless, miserable marriages as his little hetero heart desires.

John Shadegg Knows We Should Never Surrender To Terrorists By Surrendering To Terrorists

Adorably unstable Arizona Rep. John Shadegg--whose awesome argument against health care reform was to drag infant baby "Maddie" onto the House floor to "explain" (in a deep man's voice) why she no likey Obama's doomsday health care plan to insure all Americans and offer free abortions for all the other babies not lucky enough to escape the liberal holocaust of the unborn--has set his sights on a new target: Mayor Michael Bloomberg for having the gall to claim New Yorkers aren't afraid of hosting terror trials.

Ha ha Mr. Tough Guy Billionaire Mike! Well, John over here wants to know just how tough Bloomie will be when it's his two daughters who are kidnapped walking down Madison Ave in broad daylight!

"I saw the Mayor of New York said today, 'We're tough. We can do it.' Well, Mayor, how are you going to feel when it's your daughter that's kidnapped at school by a terrorist? How are you going to feel when it's some clerk -- some innocent clerk of the court -- whose daughter or son is kidnapped? Or the jailer's little brother or little sister? This is political correctness run amok."

God damn right it is! Luckily there's someone as smart and sensible as John Shadegg to warn the American people what can happen, no make that, what will happen if we allow 9/11 suspects like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to be tried in a civilian court and afford him due process of the law instead of pouring water over him while he's blindfolded, naked and strapped to a table for an indefinite period of time in some secret island prison in Cuba.

If there's one thing that really pisses Al-Qaeda off more than infidel Americans acting like, well, infidel Americans, it's hosting trials of high-level terrorist suspects using standard court procedures instead of letting their fear and irrationality drive them to depart from their normal rules of justice to create naked pyramids and beat the hate out of them using their holy book, the Koran.

The last thing we want is for KSM and other 9/11 perpetrators to think we're "surrendering to terrorists" because we're too scared sh*tless of what they might do to us (not counting those two towers or anything) to hold them accountable for the deaths of thousands of Americans in a court of law on our own soil.

Which is why we're so fortunate to have courageous Republicans like John Shadegg to exploit the fears and insecurities of the public by insisting that "the safety and security of the American people" means that we must abandon our long-held belief in justice and the rule of law when dealing with terrorists.

Unlike those crazy Democrats and Independents like Mayor Bloomberg who have enough faith in the American justice system to think those responsible for killing Americans should actually be tried in America of all places!

When everyone knows if we ever capture Osama bin Laden, the smartest, most logical thing to do would be to send him to a place more capable of carrying out proper justice than the dumb U.S. of A.

You know, a country we trust...like Afghanistan.

Mr. "Community Organizer" Reverts To His Race-Baiting Self--Must Be Election Time!

I See Black People!

Rudy Giuliani doesn't much care for "community organizers" or any other secret code name disingenuous former New York City mayors like to use to describe scary black people when pandering to whites-preferred groups like the Republican Party.

Especially when trying to convince a group of frail old Superjews in Brooklyn to vote for Mayor Michael Bloomberg over that frightening, strange-colored man Democrat Bill Thompson.

"I worried daily [in his last days in office] that the city might be turned back to the way it was before 1993—and you know exactly what I'm talking about," Giuliani said. Wink wink.

"This community remembers the fears, the worries and the crimes—and the great fear of going out at night and walking the streets...This city could very easily be taken back in a very different direction — it could very easily be taken back to the way it was with the wrong political leadership."

In other words, elect a black mayor over his perfectly white opponent and it's back to the Shtetl for you, nice old Jewish people who are so easy to scare.

"This is a tired Republican campaign tactic — scare people into voting by threatening their personal safety,” Anne Fenton, spokeswoman for the Thompson campaign, said. "It didn’t work for Rudy Giuliani during his abysmal presidential bid, and it’s not going to work for Mike Bloomberg this year."

City Councilman Bill de Blasio was also appalled.

“Giuliani’s comments verge on race-baiting,” he said. “Bloomberg should disavow those comments and show that he doesn’t buy into that kind of rhetoric.”

What are you crazy? He's a billionaire with the last name Bloomberg. Asking him to not buy something is like asking Rudy Giuliani to actually believe in something.

Fuggedaboudit! Neither one's gonna happen.