Master Of Delusion Newt Gingrich Buys Fake Twitter Followers To Go Along With Everything Else In His Life

OMG, LOLZ. White-haired swamp creature and master of the Twittervirse Newt Gingrich's presidential campaign may be on life support, but unlike his first wife, that doesn't mean ol' Newt's going to leave it to die, cold and alone, on a hospital bed.

Sure, his campaign is over $1 million in debt, the perpetual butt of all late-night talk show jokes, and he is consistently polling several points below "no one/none of the above" among likely GOP voters, but there's still one place Newt shines brighter than one of the Callista's precious Tiffany's diamonds: Twitter!

It's true! Just look at the 1.3 million living, breathing, carbon-based, life forms following Sir Newton's 140-character nonsense declarations about what he ate for lunch (pizza) and why illegal secret Muslim terrorist Socialists from Kendonesia are waaaaay worse for America than serial adulterers who lie, steal, cheat, and marry alien women who eat luxury jewelry, not food, for sustenance.

Oh wait! Turns out that a whopping 92% of Newt's alleged Twitter followers are actually not real at all, but rather comprised of the same fictional stuff Newt's presidential dreams are made of.

A new report suggests that 92 percent of Newt Gingrich’s 1.3 million Twitter followers are not real. The networking search firm PeekYou, which has been trying to determine the quality of Twitter audiences, examined Gingrich’s account. The firm uses 23 criteria—including name, location, and inbound and outbound links—to figure out which online users are real or fake. After analyzing each of Gingrich’s followers, they determined that only 106,055, or 8 percent, were real people. A spokesman for the company said, “The huge majority of his followers are either completely anonymous people who have no other Web presence, or they are spambots.”

Ooooh, so that's what Callista is! Let's just hope he doesn't lose the start-up disk for her, or he's screwed.

According to one of the Newt's corporate bought spambots former staffers:

Newt employs a variety of agencies whose sole purpose is to procure Twitter followers for people who are shallow/insecure/unpopular enough to pay for them. As you might guess, Newt is most decidedly one of the people to which these agencies cater.
About 80 percent of those accounts are inactive or are dummy accounts created by various “follow agencies,” another 10 percent are real people who are part of a network of folks who follow others back and are paying for followers themselves (Newt’s profile just happens to be a part of these networks because he uses them, although he doesn’t follow back), and the remaining 10 percent may, in fact, be real, sentient people who happen to like Newt Gingrich. If you simply scroll through his list of followers you’ll see that most of them have odd usernames and no profile photos, which has to do with the fact that they were mass generated. Pathetic, isn’t it?

Pathetic? Only if you live in reality, my friend, only if you live in reality. Besides, I'm almost positive that @Tiffany's Accounting Department is a real follower.

Meanwhile, a Gingrich campaign aide blasted the list-rigging claim, tweeting that it was "a false accusation which will hurt the feelings of 1.3 million people. #rude."

Yes, were sure @041113846806103's feelings are very hurt. In fact, he's probably crying himself to sleep(mode) as we speak.

Rarrrrrr! Asia's Computer-Animated Vision Of Mud Wrestling, Pole Dancing, Dope Smoking, Lara Croft Version Of 2012 Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin

It's always refreshingly eye-opening to see how other cultures view America's various power-hungry demagogues and fraudulent national celebrities embarrassments, especially when that culture happens to be of the Asian variety, where every last one of us will likely be employed as factory workers in the near future,  making cheap, poorly constructed products to sell en masse to the Chinese or Japanese or Taiwanese or any other place ending in ese.

In this case, it is a lovely computer animation video from what is believed to be Taiwan (we can't read Asian characters anyway, so we'll just take their word for it), showing America's Arctic pride and joy Sarah Palin as she explores her potential 2012 presidential run.

And much as you would expect our favoritest Alaskan drifter version of Shakespeare to be portrayed, the computer animation artists over in Taiwan depict beloved 46-year-old Grandma and Master of Mama Bears the world over, Sarah Palin, as a bikini-clad teenage mud wrestler who seems perpetually confused as she goes about her daily activities of gunning down innocent four-legged creatures from planes, coining new and poetic words for the English language, dancing around a stripper pole campaign funds, parachuting into Teabagger rallies, smoking phat doobies with First Dude Todd while the rest of the Palin clan fight, make babies, and fire machine guns into the air while chillaxin' on their front porch in Wasilla, as our lovely hero winks her way into the White House.

See, even the Chinese/Taiwanese/Japanese can't help but mock her long time!

Guess we're not so different after all!

Except of course when it comes to making hilarious (and spot on!) computer generated Sarah Palin videos for YouTube. Then, they pretty much kick our hefty Big Mac padded behinds. In other words, go positively Palin on us!

Dick Cheney Doesn't Need Some Stupid Pulse To Continue Living, You Mortal Fools!

Two-time vice-presidential dark lord of the underworld Dick Cheney may have finally used up his five death deferments. Tragic, but true!

Sadly, the beloved 69-year-old white-haired hero of Iraq/Waterboarding/Enron/Katrina, five-time heart attack survivor, and grandfather to all, Dick Cheney now has a "ventricular assist device" — or a dual-battery heart pump —implanted in his chest with motors and assorted parts churning the blood through his otherwise cold dead heart.

So now instead of just riding around on one, Dick's got a freakin' robot where an actual flesh & blood, pumping, bivalve chamber known as a heart is supposed to be.

Thing is, this one comes without a pulse. That's right, you're not hearing things. I said, Dick Cheney's heart DOES NOT HAVE A PULSE, and yet the man(?) is stubbornly still alive.

It just doesn't seem fair! Steve Irwin gets one stingray to the heart and instantaneously dies, while Cheney is on his fifth complete HEART FAILURE, gets some size D Energizers and a pump, and is on his merry way. Eh, sort of.

According to the New York Times: 

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is recuperating from surgery to implant the kind of mechanical pump now being given to a small but growing number of people with heart failure so severe that they would most likely die within a few months without it.

The pumps are partial artificial hearts known as ventricular assist devices, and they come in various models. Mr. Cheney’s kind is about the size of a D battery and leaves most recipients without a pulse because it pushes blood continuously instead of mimicking the heart’s own pulsatile beat. Most such pulse-less patients feel nothing unusual. But they are urged to wear bracelets or other identifications to alert emergency room doctors as to why they have no pulse.

Since in Dick's case, that probably wouldn't be the first reason that comes to mind.

The limited success has proved wrong the many experts who said people could not live without a pulse. The thought was that since the heart had a beat, that beat was needed for blood pressure and circulation. But now doctors believe that continuous-flow devices, which can be smaller and last longer, may function well.

Oh, hahahahaha! Puhleeease! As if Dick Cheney needs silly "human" things like a pulse to continue "living."

No, no, Dick Cheney's blood just flows continually, like the River Styx. He doesn't need your lowly "pumping" like some pathetic carbon-based pussy.

By supplementing the amount of blood pumped through the body, the devices allow many recipients to lead active lives from home. They can bicycle, golf, play tennis, drive cars, shop and generally do what they could before they developed severe heart failure.

Oh, goody! That means, (heart or no heart) Dick will still be able to do all his favoritest activities like torture Muslims (and small animals?), shoot his best friends in the face, and pretty much leave a trail of death of destruction wherever he and his non-beating heart venture.

The latest model devices, “though imperfect, are a stupendous advance compared to 36 years ago,” said Dr. O.H. Frazier of the Texas Heart Institute in Houston. “Still, it is a big operation with risks because we are operating on mortally ill patients.”

But then again, as Dick is not your typical mortal, this should not be the slightest bit problematic. Thank heavens, right?

The implants could be as arduous for a surgeon as risky for a patient, particularly one like Mr. Cheney, 69, who has suffered five heart attacks since the age of 37, has had angioplasty to unblock coronary arteries and stents to keep them open; an implanted pacemaker and defibrillator; surgery to repair aneurysms, or ballooning of arteries, behind both knees; and a number of visits to George Washington University Hospital for monitoring and observation, the last in June.

Who? This picture of health?? Don't you worry about him! I think we all know by now congestive heart failure ain't got nothin' on Dick!

But here is the really good news:

Dr. Frazier said he had implanted a total of 170 such pumps as of June 1, more than any other surgeon. Of those, 24 were in patients 65 and older and 11 of the 24 were in patients older than 70. The oldest was 76. Nine of the 24 have died, and seven of the nine did not leave the hospital. Six of the 15 survivors received heart transplants. The remaining nine are living with the pump. The longest survivor at his hospital had an implant in his 30s and has lived five and a half years.

Looks like the odds are still in our favor.

I mean how long could it really take for a heartless Dick with no pulse to possibly die? Unless, of course, in addition to functioning human organs, mere mortal concepts of time do not apply to his "kind" either.

Mr. Roboto's evil hell twin, that is.

Justice Is Blind...If Only Someone Invented A Language Of Dots To Overcome This Affliction

Ah yes, the mighty Supreme Court, the ultimate judicial body on all issues, including final interpretive authority on laws relating to technology across this great land. Hooray!

So while these nine justices--the brightest legal minds in the country--may be well versed when it comes to matters of Stare Decisis, ask 'em about Sega Genesis, and all you get are nine stumped robes with decisive stares.

During oral arguments in the case City of Ontario v. Quon, which considers whether police officers had an expectation of privacy in personal (and sexually explicit) text messages sent on pagers issued to them by the city, the savvy minds of the Supreme Court appeared to have difficulty wrapping their thick robes around all this crazy new technology, like electronic mail, cell phones, the series of tubes called the Internets, and those typewriter thingy's that come with a screen, DC's or PC's or something like that.

"The first sign was about midway through the argument, when Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr.--who is known to write out his opinions in long hand with pen and paper instead of a computer (and bitch about meany black presidents not named Bush)--asked what the difference was 'between email and a pager?'"

Ummm, let's see, how shall we explain this in a way someone of his age, who still uses a legal pad instead of an iPad, will understand?

You use email for contacting the wifey (like what time she should have your dinner ready), while a pager is for contacting the mistress (like which by-the-hour motel to meet you at), and never the twain shall meet! Capisce?

Wow. Perhaps you should loosen your robe, Juris Doctor Roberts, I think it may be cutting off your oxygen supply, unless it's your W-era software that is the problem.

He must still be runnin' Windows Operating System Bush 2.0. That one was full of bugs, coding errors, and compatibility problems outside the U.S, 'cept for Poland, Marshall Islands, El Salvadore, Azerbaijan, and other 'tech-savvy' Coalition of the Willing members with no standing armies or digital infrastructures to tweet of.

Go on?

Certainly one of other spry, young whippersnappers on the high court (besides the 55-year-young Chief) are familiar with all this off-the-hook youth technology apart from electricity and indoor plumbing.

Like 73-year old Supreme Court "tween," Justice Anthony Kennedy who asked what would happen if a text message was sent to an officer at the same time he was sending one to someone else.

"Does it say: 'Your call is important to us, and we will get back to you?'" Kennedy asked.

I emailed him to ask if he was really that technologically ignorant, but just kept getting this weird beeping sound. Maybe I'll have more luck sending smoke signals or carrier pigeons!?

Perhaps sprightly 74-year-old Justice Antonin Scalia could help enlighten the rest of us luddites with all this cutting edge mumbo jumbo like service providers.

"You mean the text doesn’t go right to me?" Scalia asked.

Oh sh*t! Now everyone will see the sweet nothings me and Clary send each other while chillaxin' in our robes discussing a certain illegal Kenyan's birth certificate late night in the chambers when no one's around to disturb us.

Then he asked whether they can be printed out in hard copy, using one of them devil machines.

"Could Quon print these spicy little conversations and send them to his buddies?" Scalia asked, fantasizing about the spicy little supper wife Maureen better be whippin' up, lest she wants the spicy little belt whippin' again.

But fear not, America! It wasn't just the justices who had technical difficulties.

When Justice Samuel Alito asked Quon’s attorney Dieter Dammeier if officers could delete text messages from their pagers in a way that would prevent the city from retrieving them from the wireless carrier later, Dammeier said that they could.

Apparently, Alito still wasn't satisfied, but unlike during President Obama's State of the Union address, did manage to contain himself from convulsing violently and mouthing "No, No!"

A few minutes later, Alito gave Dammeier another shot at that question, asking him, "Are you sure about your answer on deletion?"

Dammeier admitted that he didn't know. "I couldn't be certain," he said.

What is certain however, is that these living fossils do come in color. Kind of. If you count Clarence Thomas as "black," Scalia's fat red face, or Roberts and Alito's purplish rage whenever Comrade Barry calls them out for reversing a century of legal precedent, so Uncle Ben (the rice maker) can donate as much campaign money as Ben's Uncle (with the pace maker), just like our Founding Fathers™ intended.

Either way, looks like this justice system needs to reboot, reset, and restart. Otherwise, it's Game Over for the rest of us non-Apple II GS users. But be patient. This new dial-up takes a few minutes to load.

But, that's okay, we have all the time in the world. A whole lifetime to be exact.

New GOP Website Functions Much Like The Party: It Doesn't!

Yo, yo waaaasup America? It's your off-the-hook, resident GOP dancing avatar Micheal Steele welcoming you to the hottest website on the block, the fresh, new GOP.com baby!

RNC Chairman Michael Steele promised to "take this party to the streets" and God damn it, he wasn't messin' around!

The sweet, newly redesigned GOP website has everything a hip, young teabagger could want like a "What up?" greeting from hip-hop youth liaison Michael Steele, a bright red, star-spangled banner (communist China?) on the homepage that reads "GOP Faces" and alternates snapshots of different proud members of the GOP every time the page is refreshed. That sh*t is tight!

With all this youth and diversity and color, not only is this not your grandmother's Republican Party, it's also not any Republican Party that exists in any reality to speak of. (Try the Twilight Zone??)

Of course like any great transformational moment in history, the GOP's newly launched secret weapon has not been without hitch, with the website's much-anticipated(?) unveiling plagued by intermittent crashes, broken links, and the usual growing pains like the site's "Future GOP leaders" page linking not to fresh-faced rising Republican stars but to "404 Error: This page could not be found."

Ummm, ooops.

"The RNC’s big relaunch of its website has not gone so well today. In the last hour or so, the site has been crashing periodically. Reporters found holes in the site's content this morning, and lately visitors have found the site to be down altogether or, at best, extremely slow."

"You know your web program is in trouble when your site can't even handle the traffic bump from people making fun of your web program," the Obama campaign's former online guru, Joe Rospars of Blue State Digital joked to Talking Points Memo.

Well, Mr. Balls of Steele has a few words for those naysayers and haters out there.

"It's not even really a web site," Steele said. "It's a new platform for us." Boo-ya!

It's "a beta site" (he's been dying to use that new word he learned!), "So we're working out a lot of the kinks and the bugs. So the Democrats can have some fun," he said.

Need he remind you that when he ran for chairman he promised to "take this party to the streets?"

"We've done that, I think, in a very creative way," Steele said, adding that the site is "a new tool to communicate the new GOP."

Well, well no wonder it worked so well then!

Barry Surfs The Internets Just Like You & Me!

It's the weekend and Barry's got the comp all to himself! What on earth will dear leader do with his fun playtime alone on the Internets? Will he friend request Queen of the Facebooks Sarah Palin now that she quit running Alaska to take a full time job updating her Facebook status?

Will he hit up the Twitter like a cool Prez and go tweet-to-tweet with Twitterin' King Charles Grassley?

Perhaps he'll check out fakebirthcertificates.com and see if there's anything he can do to muzzle those annoying birther thorns-in-his side once and for all?

Or better yet, maybe he'll see what he can do about replacing that broke-ass, old 17-inch screen of his. I mean the President of the Free World shouldn't be stuck using a Gateway PC running windows XP atop a desk cluttered with an old Dell laptop, a lame inspirational quote mug filled with cheap ballpoint pens, a bunch of folders, stacks of papers, hand sanitizer, and please don't tell me that is a jar of throat lozenges I see near the edge.

Seriously, the dude is one Snuggie and couple of crumbs away from being exactly the same as the rest of us schlubs. Is he trying to make America look bad or something?

How Do You Say Republicans Are Losers In 140 Characters Or Less?

GOP Rep. Eric Cantor's Loves His Crackberry!

What could be more fun than a bunch of bumbling Republicans attempting to reach young voters through the Internets only to find that this series of tubes is harder to use than they thought? Nothing that's what!

A delightful pattern has emerged among Republican hipsters eager to utilize all the new social-networking sites out there. It's one embarrassing racist debacle after another, but the GOP has at least managed to accomplish one thing: offend just about everyone.

Of course, we must first tip our hats to "off the hook" online media master Michael Steele whose hip-hop media blitz first took the political scene by storm, showing peeps the GOP's down with the 'net too. For real dawg!

Honorable mention goes to tech savvy former Minnesota Sen. Norm Coleman who understands that in this technological age it's either do or die. Which is why he urges his fellow Republicans to start competing on the Ethernet--cause that's where it's all going down. Kind of like his career.

Which brings us to our most recent tech abominations, courtesy of two GOP operatives hailing from North Carolina's red-headed stepchild, South Carolina. Where else?

First, there's prominent South Carolina Republican activist Rusty DePass whose brilliant ability to use Facebook resulted in him likening First Lady Michelle Obama to an escaped gorilla.

Assuring readers not to worry about a gorilla escape at a Columbia, S.C., zoo, this salt-of-the-earth politician posted a Facebook message, saying, "I'm sure it's just one of Michelle's ancestors - probably harmless."

Forced to apologize by crazy liberal bloggers and the Jew-controlled media, DePass said he was sorry if he offended anyone since the comment was clearly in jest and just a response to the First Lady's ludicrous statement that man descended from apes. Yeah, and the Earth revolves around the sun I suppose. What's next? Thunder isn't actually God burping?

Next is fellow South Carolinian Mike Green, who like his GOP counterparts, loves to use all the exciting new technologies to connect with supporters and send out hilariously racist Tweets against Muslim terrorist President Barack Obama.

Like this delightful byte: I JUST HEARD THAT OBAMA IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN BECAUSE IT'S WHITE AND IT WORKS.

Hahahaha. Both hysterical and factual! They must be taking their cue from Republican Sen. Charles Grassley who exploded onto the Twitter scene with his uncanny ability to transform a stodgy, 75-year-old elder statesman into a shrieking teeny bopper who haaaaates grammar but loooooooves the Jonas Brothers. OMG, LOL!

GTG (Ugh, 'rents can be so annoying!) CUL8R, Alligator.

The Internets Is So Last Year, The GOP's Real Future Is On The Ethernets!

Thanks to former Alaskan senator and convicted felon Ted Stevens, you no doubt now know the Internet is not a big truck or something you just dump things on but a series of tubes. Obviously.

Well now it's up to another tech-savvy Republican, newly unemployed Minnesota Sen. Norm Coleman to teach us ignorant Americans a few things about the wild, wonderful world of computers and technology. The world of the future!

Speaking to a video-blogger at the Conservative Heartland Leadership Conference in St. Louis (think Star Trek convention for nutjobs), our friend Norman Coleman had a few words of advice for the GOP--if they want to stay relevant and on top of their game.

"In the end, we need to compete, as I've said before, we need to compete in each and every kind of forum...And whether it's on the ground traditionally, or today it's in -- it's in the Ethernet. It's in the -- you know, it's online. It's in the blogs, it's Twitter, it's Facebook, and the next iteration."

I mean get with the program people! Is Norm the only Republican who knows that dial-up is so last year?

Maybe everyone should take a cue from Stormin' Norman over here and learn a thing or two about the Internets and its endless possibilities. Once you get really good, he might even show you The Google.

White House Version 2.0

For the tech geeks in Obama's campaign, accustomed to modern 21st century conveniences like iPhones, the google, and high-speed Internets, yesterday's move into the White House was more like a time-warp back to the technological dark ages of Netscape and Oregon Trail.

So, what's it like living in a place where no cellphones, outside e-mails, IM, or even Facebook is (gasp!) allowed? Where beautiful Macs are replaced by clunky desktops outfitted with six-year old versions of Microsoft software?

"It is kind of like going from an Xbox to an Atari," Obama spokesman Bill Burton explained.

Or from a Wii to that old gray Nintendo box that only works after you blow on it repeatedly. With gusto.

Which just so happens to be a favorite pastime of White House staffers.

Barack Obama Urges White House To Move Beyond Snail Mail And Hieroglyphics

What On Earth Are Those Weird Metal Boxes With Tubes Coming Out Of Them?

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize the highest ranking government officials in this country still use stone-age level technology.

I guess when you live in the most technologically advanced nation in the world, you just kind of assume that the people in charge of running the damn place have moved well beyond papyrus and quill tip pens.

You'd be wrong.

Apparently, renegade new president Barack Obama, who happens to be a big fan of his Blackberry (and the first president to know it's more than just a fruit!) will be forced to sign off before he arrives at the White House due to privacy and security concerns.

Yep, some dumb rule called the Presidential Records Act could prevent Barack Obama from becoming the first emailing president, unless Mr. Trendsetter finds a way to knock down yet another barrier--or in this case, firewall.

However, being the young, spry, 21st century man that he is, Barack Obama may make technological history by bringing another fruity named piece of modern technology into the White House: the Apple computer.

Obama hopes to have an Apple laptop (He's a mac man of course!) on his desk in the Oval Office, which would make him the first American president ever to do so.

Forget the first African American president, after 44 tries, we elected the first Internets using, porn surfing, 'the google' searching, blackberry loving, facebook creeping, bbm messaging, mp3 downloading, hipster-in-chief, leader of the free world. OMG LOL!

See, Kids He Loves His Crackberry Too!

Mac Or PC? McCain Prefers His Abacus

Did you know that some of America's most prominent politicians also happen to be responsible for some of the greatest technological achievements of the century? It's true!

I'm sure you remember when Al Gore first blessed us with the Internet. But, did you know that John McCain invented the Blackberry!? Remarkable! What an inspiration it is to see our country's great leaders at the forefront of the technological revolution, using their ingenuity to help create some of modern society's most precious gadgets.

But perhaps even more amazing than McCain's technical wizardry in inventing the Blackberry is how far he is willing to go to make others not feel bad about being so much less smart than him. McCain is so humble that he even pretends to be borderline technically-retarded, or as he puts it, "computer illiterate."

Ha ha, how funny is that? A genius, tech-God like McCain pretending to be a bumbling idiot who uses the Internets to search on The Google and says things like, "I've never felt the particular need to e-mail."