The Internets Is So Last Year, The GOP's Real Future Is On The Ethernets!

Thanks to former Alaskan senator and convicted felon Ted Stevens, you no doubt now know the Internet is not a big truck or something you just dump things on but a series of tubes. Obviously.

Well now it's up to another tech-savvy Republican, newly unemployed Minnesota Sen. Norm Coleman to teach us ignorant Americans a few things about the wild, wonderful world of computers and technology. The world of the future!

Speaking to a video-blogger at the Conservative Heartland Leadership Conference in St. Louis (think Star Trek convention for nutjobs), our friend Norman Coleman had a few words of advice for the GOP--if they want to stay relevant and on top of their game.

"In the end, we need to compete, as I've said before, we need to compete in each and every kind of forum...And whether it's on the ground traditionally, or today it's in -- it's in the Ethernet. It's in the -- you know, it's online. It's in the blogs, it's Twitter, it's Facebook, and the next iteration."

I mean get with the program people! Is Norm the only Republican who knows that dial-up is so last year?

Maybe everyone should take a cue from Stormin' Norman over here and learn a thing or two about the Internets and its endless possibilities. Once you get really good, he might even show you The Google.

Sen. Stevens Fall From Grace Pins Dems Hopes On Diaper Wearing Comedian Named Al

Aw, Shucks!

Alaska voters have finally given the boot to senatorial fossil Ted Stevens and instead elected the first Democrat to represent Alaska in Congress in nearly three decades.

After a grueling two-week-long process of counting nearly 90,000 absentee and early votes from across Alaska, Democratic Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich was finally able to unseat one of the giants in the U.S. Senate and claim victory by a 3,724-vote margin for basically being the only candidate who is not also a convicted felon.

Congratulations! We are so very proud.

But better yet, is that Stevens' ouster gives Democrats 58 seats in the Senate, edging them ever closer to the holy grail of 60--the number necessary for a filibuster-proof majority.

So, what fine candidates have the Democrats pinned their hopes and dreams of sweet partisan revenge after years of GOP manhandling and domination?

Georgia:
Basically, the Democrats need some blah blah white dude from Georgia named James Francis "Jim" Martin to defeat another boring southern white dude with a weird name, Republican incumbent Saxby Chambliss.

Saxby? Really? What does that even mean? I don't think that's a real word. In any case, neither are interesting enough to deserve a picture.

Minnesota:
Apparently, the unofficial motto of the state is: "Minnesota, We're Weirder Than You Think!"

Yes, the same state that gave us Jesse "The Body" Ventura for Governor now brings us another wild showdown for its senate seat.

Democrat and former SNL comedian Al Franken is creeping ever closer to unseating dirty hippie turned uptight Republican Norm Coleman whose marginal lead prompted an automatic recount to be completed by Dec. 5--if all goes well.

Normally, I wouldn't feel too comfortable resting the Democrats' hope on a man in bunny ears and diapers, but when you compare him to the rest of the colorful cast of characters in Minnesota's recent political history, I gotta say I'm feeling pretty good about the Dems chances right about now.

Former SNL Star Al Franken: The Dems Great White Hope!

Young, Freewheelin' Sen. Norm Coleman Before Seeing The GOP Light

Proud Former Gov. Jesse "The Body" Ventura In All His Pink Boa Glory

Senate Race Tightens, As Alaskans Finally Realize The Internet May Be More Than "A Series Of Tubes"

"The Internet Is A Series Of Tubes!"
-Sen. Ted Stevens

The good people of Alaska have outdone themselves again. As if letting us borrow that gem of a governor wasn't enough, the fine citizens of Alaska remind us once again why they represent the very best that America has to offer.

Democratic Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich has taken his first lead over incumbent Republican senator and recently convicted felon Ted Stevens by a whopping margin of THREE VOTES! in Alaska's hotly contested senate race.

After counting some 41,000 absentee ballots today, Alaska has finally broken through the gridlock, with challenger Mark Begich leading Alaskan fossil Sen. Ted Stevens by the slimmest of margins, 125,019 votes to 125,016.

Although Stevens has been running the show in Alaska since before the state joined our happy union as proud #49 back in 1959, his political career went "down the non-internet tubes" after being convicted on seven felony counts of corruption and ethics violations just one week before the election.

There are still about 50,000 outstanding absentee ballots left to be counted, and in this state of mavericks, we know that anything can happen.

Like a little girl from Wasilla leading her high school basketball team all the way to the state championship en route to becoming mayor, then governor and almost even the Vice-President of the U.S. of A!

Or an 84-year-old seven-count-convicted felon who thinks the internet is a "series of tubes" can still be popular enough to win re-election, even if he will be legally barred from taking his seat, forcing that very same gal from Wasilla to replace him with an even better, less wrinkly, federally-investigated-though-not-actually-convicted option: Herself!

The Good Ol' Days

A Rougher Patch