Will RNC Replace Michael "Sexytime" Steele With The Even More Hilarious, Fool(proof) Sarah Palin?

The secret to soaring success in the Republican Party is all but guaranteed by following one of two surefire paths: bein' a sexy hot mama with a killer bod, wicked aim, and all the wit and charm of a rabid hyena, with the brain power to match, or a freakishly ineffective, gaffe prone, bumbling black man with a knack for saying the most hilariously inappropriate things at the most comically inopportune times.

From the lamestream media's perspective, including "bored, pathetic, no-life anonymous bloggers" like yours truly, Michael Steele has been nothing short of a Godsend. A veritable treasure trove of endless gaffes, misjudgments, and what-the-hell-was-he-thinking (or not) moments, just begging to be endlessly mocked.

On the other hand, those who actually care about the health of the Gray Old Party and/or effectiveness of its esteemed Chairman to, umm, actually help get Republicans elected, by raising actual money, promoting party principles, not actively humiliate the Party while blowing through their entire budget on faux lesbo S&M bondage clubs and essential office supplies like designer shoes, are starting to wonder if it's time to swap Steele for someone a little less worn and rusted.

In light of his most recent gaffe, the cardinal sin of Republicans, by not wanting people to die all the time in endless wars, Michael Steele might have finally taken his inability to filter thoughts between his brain and his mouth a step too far. Oh no!

Rumors are starting to swirl that El Chairman might finally get the ol' heave ho, but where oh where on God's green Earth, are they going to find a good looking power player as universally beloved, successful, and sexy,  who really knows how to shake things up, with the super skills necessary to be the next dopest, off-the-hook Republican leader of the entire world?

Hint: look due North (all the way up)!

Apparently, there's some talk in GOP circles that the Barracuda herself should take over the RNC mantle as the second biggest mistake the Party has made in as many appointments.

John McCain's one-time running mate and former Alaska governor is, as CBS News' Bill Plante puts it, "the star of the Republican Party. She's the top endorser, top fundraiser — and now could be the party's top dog. Some members of the GOP base are calling for her" to take Steele's place.

Which means, wait for it...Everybody's favorite Arctic drifter and professional quitter Sarah Louise Palin, the most wonderful woman ever to grace the face of the Earth, is being tossed around (not as a hilarious joke) but as an actual, legitimate replacement of ol' balls of Steele. THIS IS THE BEST MOST AMAZING NEWS IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!

To think, Queen Bee Sarah may actually get to be the #1 most importantist Republican fundraiser in all the land! I mean Lord knows the woman's got a knack for raising ungodly sums of cold, hard cash, though mostly to store in her own endlessly deep pockets, not to mention a head start on off-the-hook technology kids really go for like her favoritest Facebook and Twitter.

OMG, please, please, please pick Sarah Palin. That would be so awesome! Because the only thing better than having an incompetent fool whose most compelling quality is the color of his skin, is to have an equally incompetent buffoon whose best asset is contained within the first three letter of the word, though her unique ability to massacre speeches from the palm of her hand doesn't hurt either! Plus, she's got that one-of-a-kind knack for saying stupid things, turning everything she touches into a continual spectacle and object for ridicule.

Which is...perfect?

Sure, $arah would totally max-out a few more base donors before the midterms, maybe convince some dying old white men to contribute to her very "attractive" cause for the constitution 'n stuff. But even so, letting $arah Palin be the party's "top dog" seems insane considering only 37 percent of 'mericans have a favorable opinion (meaning they don't automatically gag whenever she opens her freedom hole), and the other 73 percent can't stand the crazy Alaskan mama bear, which is to say they don't much care for former half term runner up governors of Miss America, wait , or was it Alaska? I can never keep 'em straight!

And you betcha the Democrats would be all over the chance to use the "Sarah Palin as the official head of the Republican Party" as a fundrasing ploy, because surely those words will send a chill down the spine of every mega rich, arugula eating liberal elitist who doesn't sleep with a loaded Magnum .357 beneath their pillow for warmth and comfort, or in case any pryin' journ-y-lists come venturing too close to Mama's den.

Besides, why would Miss Thang ever give up her lucrative multimedia career in the thriving industry of spreading lies and misinformation to clueless patriots 'cross this great nation en route to getting rich baby by spillin' trash baby trash upon the unsuspecting ears of the American public.

Sure, she loooooves quitting things she starts, but that's only when there's more money to be made elsewhere, not for some terrible reason like to actually helping her wonderful Party accomplish something other than setting the Guinness World Record for most consecutive boneheaded decisions by a single organization!

This would not be a wise career move! It would be downright unAmerican to let all this soon-to-be cash go to waste on something silly like helping Republicans, instead of spending it on something important like helping her look even sexier in expensive black leather jackets. For freedom!

But alas, Steele will likely keep his job screwing everything up, hemorrhaging donor money and being his usual disastrous, gaffelicious self  because "even his GOP critics want to avoid a drawn-out fight over the party's most prominent African-American just four months before midterm elections."

They might lose the African-American vote: his!

Instead they'll do the honorable thing and unceremoniously dump him after the midterm elections, and replace him with the next Great White Hype who isn't a lipstick wearing pig maverick hockey mom by the name of Sarah Palin.

Since Jesus Christ is already sooooooo swamped advising everyone from Glenn Beck to Michele Bachmann, an even better idea would be to get one of Sarah Palin's adorable li'l miracles of God to fill Steele's rather large, expensive designer shoes?

Bristol's probably too busy getting pregnant or warning other teens not to get pregnant to take on such massive responsibility. But there's always that youngest, special neediest one, Trigger.

Might just be the perfect way to reconnect with the similarly "special" (needs) base of the Republican Party!

It's all part of God's Master Plan! Which I guess, at least explains the whole Michael Steele as Chairman thing.

The Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways!

Michael Steele Continues Trying His Very Hardest To Get Fired As America's Hottest Comedian & Coolest RNC Chairman...And Still Fails!

Oh Mikey, try as he might (and boy does he try!) to stop making his Grand Old Party look even more Grand Old Pathetic than it already is, there just doesn't seem to be any way for Mr. off-the-hook Chairman of youth to avoid repeating the same mindblowingly stupid mistakes over and over again. Just like some broken, old school hip-hop record. That's whack yo!

Truth is it has been like forever since Michael Steele said (or did) something dumb and outrageous to humiliate his Party on a national scale. Which in Michael Steele time, is only about two months or so, meaning El Chairman was waaaaaaay overdue to make another terrible gaffe to amuse the nation, and jeopardize his reign (though probably not) as the worst Republican National Committee Chairman in all its storied history of incompetent, brain-challenged leaders.

And this time it didn't even have to do with lesbian S&M bondage clubs or RNC policies of using racism as an actual strategy for the last 40+ years, so fat white slobs in the South vote for them. Hooray!

No, this time it has to do with a subject even closer to shriveled Republican hearts, their all-time favoritest activity and sacred nondenominational alter before which all Republicans bow: awesome war! More specifically, a fun little romp in the desert called the war in Afghanistan!

Speaking at a fundraiser in Connecticut, Michael Steele apparently forgot the two fundamental rules of the Republican Party: no one cares what the RNC Chairman says unless he says something crazy (which he always does), and never, under any circumstance, utter a single bad word about war, glorious war, which Republicans simply loooooove, and is always noble and just.

Keep in mind again, federal candidates, this was a war of Obama’s choosing. This is not something the United States had actively prosecuted or wanted to engage in...

That's right, people. 9/11 was a figment of our collective imaginations and that blissful, peace-filled eight-year reign of George W. Bush was little more than a fantastic never-ending dream America wishes was still enveloping them in its delicious warmth and comfort every night.

Otherwise, surely some young strapping patriot of freedom would have run up to the Chairman and stabbed him repeatedly for saying such an idiotic and meany thing...to sweet war, no less!

It was the president who was trying to be cute by half by flipping a script demonizing Iraq, while saying the battle really should be in Afghanistan. Well, if he’s such a student of history, has he not understood that you know that’s the one thing you don’t do, is engage in a land war in Afghanistan? All right, because everyone who has tried, over a thousand years of history, has failed. And there are reasons for that. There are other ways to engage in Afghanistan.

First off, someone really ought to tell Michael Steele that when being videotaped speaking in a circus tent and discussing sensitive subjects he isn't particularly well-versed on, a good idea would probably be to steer clear of offering misquoted foreign policy advice he stole from the movie Princess Bride, butchering Sicilian crime boss Vizzini's famous line "never get involved in a land war in Asia."

Inconceivable!

But Sir Chairman, what about his slightly less well-known: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" What, you only steal lines that have to do with Asians and Arabs? Italy isn't good enough for you!? For shame!

Oh, and another thing while we're on the subject of saying asinine thing in public forums, try to avoid using the word "cute" when describing the war-time actions of a sitting U.S. President. Yeah, yeah we know, everything the guy does is adorable, but do his actions really merit the same adjective as a Bratz doll or Malibu Barbie? Think about it. Because unlike black leather whips and gagged & bound faux lesbo strippers, it cheapens us all.

But on the bright side, congrats to the Steele man on his very impressive scholarly grasp on the convoluted, bloody history of Afghanistan. Taking such complex issues and making them seem sooooo easy! Well done sir, well done!

Plus, he even managed to do the impossible: unite in agreement the Democratic National Committee and the wingnuts on the right like Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol who wrote this seemingly nice, but secretly loaded letter urging the beloved Chairman of gaffes and screw-ups to step down:

Dear Michael,
You are, I know, a patriot. So I ask you to consider, over this July 4 weekend, doing an act of service for the country you love: Resign as chairman of the Republican party. Your tenure has of course been marked by gaffes and embarrassments, but I for one have never paid much attention to them, and have never thought they would matter much to the success of the causes and principles we share...

There are, of course, those who think we should pull out of Afghanistan, and they’re certainly entitled to make their case. But one of them shouldn't be the chairman of the Republican party... 

Needless to say, the war in Afghanistan was not "a war of Obama's choosing." It has been prosecuted by the United States under Presidents Bush and Obama. Republicans have consistently supported the effort. Indeed, as the DNC Communications Director (of all people) has said, your statement "puts [you] at odds with about 100 percent of the Republican Party."

Which gasp, could only mean one thing: Steele baby got things right for once. OMG, quick, fire this man at once!

Wait! Steeley Klan has issued an update re-framing his views on the war, saying, "As we have learned throughout history, winning a war in Afghanistan is a difficult task," adding that, "There is no question that America must win the war on terror...We must also remember that after the tragedy of September 11, 2001, [the war] is also a necessary one."

Just like how after the many tragedies of his tenure as Chairman, Steele's resignation is also a necessary one.

Unlike that whole war thing.

But alas, Michael consider the warning words of your (fictional) hero Vizzini:

Am I going MAD, or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass...And remember this, never forget this: when I found you, friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed in Greenland Maryland!

Hell no he doesn't!

Good thing he does something stupid like this every few weeks or so, party leaders call for his head, he doesn't resign, the sun still rises in the East, sets in the West, the Earth continues to rotate on its axis, America gets wasted and explodes red, white, and blue combustibles for Independence, no one remembers anything by the time they return to work Tuesday morning, and everything returns to wondrous normalcy.

Only difference of course is instead of spectacular exploding for freedom, Republican leaders go back to their usual, boring imploding instead.

Michael Steele Bravely Cracks The Whip, Firing Two RNC Scapegoats For His S&M Sexytime Fun

Is Michael Eyeing Another Prime Chance To Screw His Party?

Perpetual butt of late night talk shows and even-later night scandals involving lesbian bondage clubs, big pimpin' RNC Chairman Michael Steele has finally stepped up and taken responsibility for the Republican Party's reckless, sexytime spending sprees at various, upscale lezzy S&M clubs, if by "stepping up," you mean fired the dickens out of his finance director and deputy finance director. The latest two hapless sods to find themselves without jobs, but plenty of sweet-ass memories of wild weekends past to commemorate their time as RNC bigwigs.

Which is great news because this means Michael Steele can continue his full-time job simultaneously humiliating and destroying the Grand Old Party of wealthy, sex-crazed white men who don't much care for charming, competent half-black presidents. Hooray!

The RNC's Superman 'o Steele asked for the resignations of both the organization's finance director, Rob Bickhart, and his deputy finance director, Debbie LeHardy, so that America's Number One accidental comedian can continue to wreak havoc on his favoritest, off the hook, hip-hop Party of Youth, and still provide hilarious jokes for the rest of us.

In a statement, Steele's newest, soon-to-also-be-fired, Chief of Staff Michael Leavitt said: "While we appreciate their service to the RNC and wish them well in future endeavors, the Chairman felt it was important to restructure the department in order to continue to improve on our strong fundraising numbers."

Which, as it turns out, have actually been as strong as "Steele", if that steel has been melted, bent, dissected, and neglected long enough to turn its illustrious sheen into perfectly corroded rust.

Thanks to their high rollin' Chairman's savvy finance skills, including dropping stacks o' Benjies at hot, faux lesbo nightclubs, private jets, limousines, lavish hotels, shopping sprees at upscale boutiques for clothes, liquor, and other run-of-the-mill "office supplies," and of course, their brilliant, race-baiting cartoon slideshow, using fear and prejudice to attract donors, the Grand Old Party has managed to isolate just about every deep pocketed Republican, not bed-ridden or dementia-ravaged.

In fact, according to the latest disclosure reports, the RNC has raised $121 million for the 2010 cycle, but spent $125 million, which gives it a grand total of $11 million cash-on-hand. The DNC, on the other hand, has raised less, $114 million, but also spent less, $105 million, leaving it with $15 million in the bank. Which we can only assume will go not to late night field trips stuffing cash down strippers' panties, but electing actual Democrats to Congress, and other esteemed political positions that don't involve dancing around a poll.

But, fear not Republicans, because Leavitt expressed confidence that the latest (but probably not last!) shakeup at the RNC will only strengthen the Party's election effort in the fall.

"We are well positioned for victory this fall and this addition to the team will only help us to provide the necessary resources to defeat Democrats across the country," he said.

Like chains and whips?

But, hopefully, this time they'll be the one's doing the whipping, instead of staying stuck in their other favorite position: down on all fours, gagged, bound, blindfolded, and begging for more...chances to humiliate themselves on a national scale.

Michael Steele Admits GOP Has Been Using Race For 40+ Years, As Its Actual Strategy, Hooray!

Everyone knows honesty is the best policy, except when you're the off-the-hook black chairman of the Republican National Committee and one of those nosy, arugula-eating, liberal elitists asks some crazy, trick question like "Why should an African-American vote Republican?"

Now this is typically the moment when said politician or in this case, esteemed RNC Chairman, espouses all the many ways ordinary black citizens of this country would be well served to vote for the Grand Old Party, now that it's no longer just the party of rich, racist old white men. Hooray?

"You really don't have a reason to, to be honest — we haven't done a very good job of really giving you one. True? True," Republican National Chairman Michael Steele told 200 DePaul University students Tuesday night.

But what about all the off-the-hook, hip-hop GOP youth straight out da streets, yo? Where they at?

"We have lost sight of the historic, integral link between the party and African-Americans," Steele said. "This party was co-founded by blacks, among them Frederick Douglass. The Republican Party had a hand in forming the NAACP, and yet we have mistreated that relationship. People don't walk away from parties. Their parties walk away from them."

Or in the case of blacks and the GOP, flee like the God damn dickens.

"For the last 40-plus years we had a 'Southern Strategy' that alienated many minority voters by focusing on the white male vote in the South. Well, guess what happened in 1992, folks, 'Bubba' went back home to the Democratic Party and voted for Bill Clinton."

Whoa, whoa, did the Steele baby just say, "For the last 40-plus years we had a 'Southern Strategy' that alienated many minority voters by focusing on the white male vote in the South??"

Ummm, isn't this exactly what liberals, commies, socialists and other evil cretins of the Left have been saying for like, literally ever? That basically the Republicans have played the race card for political gain for the last, umm, forty years or so, ever since tricky Dick (who everyone figured was a total sketchball anyway) employed the so-called 'Southern Strategy' of ignoring black voters, exploiting racial tensions, and catering to the whole white power segment of the population?

But here is the actual Chairman of the Republican National Committee saying, in effect, that liberals were, in fact, right to have argued that Republicans have done nothing but drum up racial tensions in order to win elections for the last four decades? Eh, no big deal.

Whatever, so what if the Republicans have basically catered to the white robe and hood wearing segment of the population ever since those uppity Negroes went and got themselves rights like the rest of the non-colored public?

I mean it's not like this means the GOP hates black people or anything--it's just that they enjoy using the blacks' historic plight of discrimination to help get themselves elected more. It's a simple strategy of pros vs. cons, and it just so happens that African-Americans tend to coincidentally find themselves squarely on the con side, along with equal rights, fair tax policy, helping gross poor people, a woman's right to choose, those pesky rainbows, dirty, peace-loving hippies, and any progress not aimed specifically at whites (aka all progress in general). Oh well!

The important thing is that Michael Steele understands the mistakes the Republican Party has made in the past (himself??) and has no intentions of repeating them.

Which is good because everyone knows the path to hell hella political power is paved with good intentions.

So, despite what jealous Democrats may say about the Teabaggers causing a "civil war" in the GOP, Mr. Steele knows the real winning strategy is to work with the Tea Party activists (and assorted other Klansmen, white supremacists, separatists, etc) to help elect Republicans this fall.

"I have advised our state chairs: Don't turn your nose up, or turn away those who are active in the Tea Party movement. Embrace them. Welcome them. Talk to them," Steele said. "Those activists have now become a very large part of our voting bloc. They represent a third or more of the voting age population, so they're going to have a profound impact on elections and in some cases in the primaries this November and this spring. Both parties had better pay attention."

P.S.: The best part is they also just so happen to be the GOP's favoritest color. No, not green, silly, White!

What Bends But Doesn't Break? Michael Steele After A Big GOP Sexytime Scandal!

Yo, yo America, it's your big pimpin', off-the-hook RNC Chairman of youth, Michael Steele comin' at ya live after this not-so-fly week involving me, some GOP peeps, and a couple stacks of Benjies bein' tossed around some bondage-themed Lezzy clubs. Holla back y'all!

Well, turns out not everyone in the hip hop Grand Old Party of Da Streets is down with all this donor S&M sexytime. Wassup wit dat?

"Republican National Committee chief of staff Ken McKay has resigned in the wake of a controversy over an expenditure at a risque California nightclub," RNC communications director Doug Heye said.

Awww, that's whack, yo!

Oh, suddenly, big donors don't want to spend the scrilla so Michael Steele can get bound, gagged, and whipped by a leather clad dominatrix named Destiny, who also shares a deep fear of big (black) government, and affordable, quality health care for all those who don't spend their evenings getting money stuffed in their panties while swinging 'round a poll.

Any way you slice it, the RNC is facing some serious sh*t right now. Fat cat donors are scramming left and right, and Republicans are scrambling for a way to keep the money rolling without resorting to their usual playbook of intelligence-insulting racist cartoons, billboards of hate, and/or late-night misadventures featuring two girls one pole.

But the RNC doesn't want to fire its first black chairman before the election, because then they might lose the black vote!

Ha ha. Just playin'! Michael Steele is GOP-for-life, for reals, yo!

"The members of the Republican National Committee entrusted myself and every staffer to lead the loyal opposition against the destructive Obama agenda, build a stronger Republican party and win elections. This is a role I take with the utmost seriousness. With this in mind, I want to do everything in my power to ensure that the committee uses all its resources in the best possible fashion," Steele said.

Throw your hands up if ya wit me! For all those whose hands are leather bound behind their back by faux lesbo strippers, feel free to give the Steele baby a shout-out instead!

Can I get a tort reform, small government, lower taxes, what what!?!

Asked whether being an African American gave him a "slimmer margin of error" than another chairman might have, Steele said:

"The honest answer is 'yes.' It just is. Barack Obama has a slimmer margin. We all -- a lot of folks do. It's a different role for me to play and others to play, and that's just the reality of it. But you take that as part of the nature of it."

See, ain't nothin' wrong with a little role-playing now and then to ease the mind. Helps keep the flava fresh!

Apparently not to boring White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, who called Steele's comment on race "silly," and said, "I think Michael Steele's problem isn't the race card, it's the credit card."

Eh, that or the RNC's (whore) house of cards.

Whatever, dog. That's why Mr. 'Balls Of" Steele prefers to roll the old school way: straight up, cold hard cash, baby! Dolla dolla bills, y'all!

Secret RNC FUNdraising PowerPoint Features Cool Cartoons, Contempt For Constituents

Ummm yeah, this is getting slightly awkward. I mean, it's one thing to accuse the GOP of employing their usual three-pronged strategy of lying, manipulating and deceiving their way into power. But, much like Obama's illegal takeover of America, without definitive proof like an actual Kenyan birth certificate, such suspicions are forced to remain just that: suspicions.

It is quite another, however, to actually find said playbook full of secret, evil GOP strategies that have been glaringly obvious to anyone with half a brain who's watched at least a half-second of any news coverage at any point in the last oh, half century or so. Minus the Cruella DeVille and Scooby Doo imagery, which in all fairness to the creative ingenuity of the GOP, had not been considered as effective political propaganda by average Americans. Until now, that is.

Yes, the holy grail of Republican fundraising has finally been unearthed--all 72 neat, colorful PowerPoint pages for your viewing pleasure, America. Hooray!

The Republican National Committee plans to raise money this election cycle through an aggressive campaign capitalizing on "fear" of President Barack Obama and a promise to "save the country from trending toward socialism."

The strategy was detailed in a confidential party fundraising presentation, obtained by POLITICO, which also outlines how "ego-driven" wealthy donors can be tapped with offers of access and "tchochkes."

Wow, OMG, did you know that you can entice wealthy businessmen and other elite, arugula eating wealthy types to cut you a handsome check for little more than promises of tacky trinkets and cheap souvenirs with a weird Eastern European name from the airport duty free shop?? It's true!

But that's not it folks!

The presentation explains the Republican fundraising in simple terms.

"What can you sell when you do not have the White House, the House, or the Senate...?" it asks.

The answer: "Save the country from trending toward Socialism!”

SOCIALISM, ARGGGHHHH!! Smithers, fetch me my checkbook at once! Don't dither! This Socialist beast Barry must be stopped before it's too late! ARGGGHHH!!

The presentation was delivered by RNC Finance Director Rob Bickhart to top donors and fundraisers at a party retreat in Boca Grande, Florida on February 18, a source at the gathering said.

In neat PowerPoint pages, it lifts the curtain on the often-cynical terms of political marketing, displaying an air of disdain for the party’s donors that is usually confined to the barroom conversations of political operatives.

In other words, the GOP would like to extend their deepest gratitude for your support, now get the hell out of their face before they call the police to come move it for you, got it, asshole?

Manipulating donors with crude caricatures and playing on their fears is hardly unique to Republicans or to the RNC – Democrats raised millions of George W. Bush in similar terms – but rarely is it practiced in such cartoonish terms.

One page, headed “The Evil Empire,” pictures Obama as the Joker from Batman, while House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leaders Harry Reid are depicted as Cruella DeVille and Scooby Doo, respectively.

Awww snap! The GOP ain't playing, yo! Straight up disrespectin' Cartoon Network style. For reals!

The most unusual section of the presentation is a set of six slides headed "RNC Marketing 101," which divides fundraising into two traditional categories, direct marketing and major donors, and lays out the details of how to approach each group.

The small donors who are the targets of direct marketing are described under the heading "Visceral Giving." Their motivations are listed as "fear," "Extreme negative feelings toward existing Administration," and "Reactionary."

Major donors, by contrast, are treated in a column headed "Calculated Giving." Their motivations include: "Peer to Peer Pressure," "access," and "Ego-Driven."

The slide also allows that donors may have more honorable motives, including "Patriotic Duty."

Hahaha, that's rich! People actually giving to the Republican Party out of the goodness of their heart?? HAHAHAHAHA, stop, I c-c-c-an't b-b-b-reathe!

Of course, such a terrible, manipulative fundraising document preying on people's baser instincts has absolutely NOTHING to do with big-pimpin' Michael Steele, who as Chairman of the Republican National Committee, has struggled to retain the "trust and allegiance of major donors," or the respect of well, basically anyone with a working brain, for that matter.

"The document was used for a fundraising presentation Chairman Steele did not attend, nor had he seen the document," RNC Communications Director Doug Heye said in an email. "Fundraising documents are often controversial..."

Much like off-the-hook, balls of Steele Chairmen.

"Obviously, the Chairman disagrees with the language and finds the use of such imagery to be unacceptable. It will not be used by the Republican National Committee – in any capacity – in the future," Heye said.

He promises. Cross his heart and hope to die promises! Like there will even be a future by the time Michael Steele gets done with 'em.

Besides, no need to get all worked up, the RNC was just "Putting the Fun Back in FUNdraising."

Like "Putting the Public back in RePUBLICan. Ha ha, psyche!

Everyone knows they're poor and gross.

It's Not Stealing When Your Name is Michael Steele

Waaaasup peeps, it's big pimpin', off-the-hook chairman Michael Steele rolling all large and phat with his boyz in the Republican National Committee like the badass mofo that he is.

Only problem is, thanks to the big spendin' ways of Mr. Balls of Steele, the RNC is almost as broke as the rest of those pathetic weasels and miscreants trying to get Uncle Sam to pay for every silly life-saving procedure their little malfunctioning hearts desire.

Turns out, the Republican Party is raking in the dough...except of course for the part that Michael Steele runs. And a 2009 spending spree has left the Republican National Committee with its worst election-year cash flow this decade. That's whack, yo!

Thing is, when Michael Steele took over as the hippest chairman and dopest youth liaison to ever grace the Republican National Committee, the organization was ballin', with $22.8 million in cash and no debt. But ever since the Steele man started calling the shots, the RNC suddenly finds itself with only $8.7 million in the bank heading into a year with 37 governors’ races, a dozen major Senate races, and dozens more races in the House. What up wit dat!?

According to one RNC official: "It is very troubling, and the thing is, most people don’t understand this. But it is really troubling."

"They’re spending money at 2002 levels when they are not raising money at those levels,” said another GOP operative. "That kind of thing worked when RNC was awash in money, but you can't do that in this environment."

Apparently, idiocy only works for Republicans during bull markets.

"Steele's setting us far back with his comments and it needs to stop," one senior Senate aide said, adding that the RNC chairman was a "fool."

Good thing is there are plenty of people willing to "take care" of the (Michael Steele) problem--for a price. Of course, getting him to shut that big trap of his costs extra.

"He has made no progress in walking back the recent comments (about the GOP's inability to lead)...In fact, he dug the hole deeper by appearing unprepared and uneducated...Aides are collaborating with each other, both on and off the Hill, on ways to keep him quiet."

How hard can it be? Just give the dude something fun and sparkly to play with. That should keep him busy for the next couple of days or so. Or at least long enough to not destroy the party before the 2010 elections.

Then it's time for the Steele to shine. Or rust. Either way.

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems: The Life of Big Pimpin' RNC Chairman Michael Steele

Oh shit yo! A certain off-the-hook chairman of the equally hip Grand Old Party of old white men and former slave-owners is taking some heat for some questionable activities involving his lucrative side-venture moonlighting as a paid speaker while still charged with the very important task of continuously embarrassing his party as the super-savvy chairman and dopest youth liaison the RNC has ever seen.

What up wit dat?

Apparently, some people like every former Republican National Committee Chairman to ever come before him thinks that charging colleges upwards of $12,000 to hear Michael Steele spit some flow about why he's no ordinary 51-year-old cow-on-the-tracks chairman, while not technically illegal, is not exactly what they'd call eh, classy for the national face of the party.

Why they gotta hate on the man just for takin' care of his bizness, yo?

Man, these cats ain't playing neither, busting out at the Steele man just for rolling all phat and large. In the Washington Times, yo! That's like family, it ain't right!

• "Holy mackerel, I never heard of a chairman of either party ever taking money for speeches," said Frank J. Fahrenkopf Jr., RNC chairman under President Reagan and CEO of the American Gaming Association. "The job of a national chairman is to give speeches. That's what the national party pays him for. We didn't have a rule book back then, but being national chairman was and is a full-time job."


• "It just doesn’t look right using RNC resources and trading on the title of chairman to make outside money," said Rich Bond, another former Republican national chairman. "When I became chairman...There were no written rules about taking money back then. Still, I decided accepting the money would get me in trouble."

• "The job demands so much of your time that you can work 24/7 and not get everything done, so taking time out to speak for the benefit of one's own bank account is not appropriate," former RNC chairman and Veterans Affairs secretary under George W. Bush, Jim Nicholson said.

Why they gotta hate on the man just for getting his greens on? He is a Republican and this is America, dog!

Good thing someone has his back, like RNC spokesperson Gail Gitcho:

"This is silly. Many Democrat and Republican national chairmen have regularly received outside income. Michael Steele has been giving inspirational speeches based on his personal story long before he was elected RNC chairman and will long after. Chairman Steele of course does not receive compensation for any speeches conducted in his duties as chairman. He is more than a full-time chairman, is in complete compliance with all RNC rules and regulations, and is wholly focused on growing the Republican Party."

Awww, snap! Hear that y'all??

Ain't nothin' wrong wit being a baller, especially if your name is Michael "Balls of" Steele. Then you roll like the first-class travelin', all expenses paid, $20 G's a pop, $223,500-a-year RNC piiiiimp that you are.

Don't hate the playa, hate the game. For reals yo.

Holy Cow-on-the-Tracks! Wacky RNC Chairman Michael Steeles the Show

Thanks to the magical land of tubes known as the Internets, precious moments once relegated to a secret corner of the attic can now be enjoyed by any loser with a computer and a connection.

That means everyday schlubs like you and me can now enjoy once-hidden treasures like this hilarious photo album of endlessly entertaining RNC Chairman Michael Steele striking various wacky poses with his awesome interns. Off-the-hook yo!

I don't know about you but I, for one, can think of nothing more delightful than chillin' with the chairman of the Republican National Committee while he shows off his phat skillz connecting with today's hip-hop Republican youth. For fun!

HAHAHAHAHA, he's so cool and wacky, he can even make a whole album of goofy photos. We're talkin' fist-bumps, badass arm-crosses, headlocks, hilarious bald-head rubbing, the old point and laugh, crazy back-to-back action, wild peace sign flashin', fake marriage proposals, the classic flamingo pose, and some of the craziest impromptu open mouth moves this side of the Potomac.

Because anything can happen when you're a wild and wacky Republican intern who just so happens to have the coolest cow in the world as your boss. Moo, Motherf**kers, moo!

Michael "Heart Of" Steele Vows To Teabag His Party Into Extinction

Yo yo what up America? It's your off-the-hook hip-hop Republican National Committee chairman coming to you live after the great Republican Renaissance of 2009, courtesy of a certain tough-as-Steele cow on the tracks. Moo, motherf**kers Moo!

You see, after the RNC-backed endorsement of a "moderate Republican" in the NY-23 special election was eaten by rabid throngs of teabaggers, the old "big tent" Michael Steele decided he no longer liked those middle-of-the-road candidates he'd already selected to run in various 2010 races. In fact, he now despises these disgusting traitors and would do everything in his power to "come after" these terrorists and socialists masquerading as "moderate" Republicans.

"Candidates who live in moderate to slightly liberal districts have got to walk a little bit carefully here, because you do not want to put yourself in a position where you’re crossing that line on conservative principles, fiscal principles, because we’ll come after you," Steele told ABC’s Top Line in response to a question about Republicans who support the White House’s stimulus and health care plans.

"You’re gonna find yourself in a very tough hole if you’re arguing for the president’s stimulus plan or Nancy Pelosi’s health plan. There’s no justification for growing the size of government the way this administration and this Congress wants to do it."

Awww, snap! Steele ain't playing, yo! He will straight up go Joe Wilson on anyone who dare reach across the aisle to help America.

While Steele didn't name names, dem fightin' words could be taken as a warning to governors Charlie Crist and Arnold Schwarzenegger for supporting NObama's terrible stimulus (like a bunch of Barry-whipped pansies) and Sen. Olympia Snowe for being the lone Republican senator to side with the Democratic grandma slayers and Nazis trying to reform health care.

He also hinted that the RNC will move further right and try to capture the support of tea partiers because, "We still are and remain the conservative party."

"The challenge now, as you see the emergence of the 9/12 movement and the tea parties and so forth, is to help them appreciate that we're with them, we're walking that walk with them," he said. "We're making the same arguments they're making about government intrusion into health care and the economy, stripping our freedoms, and that is a very difficult walk."

Of course it's difficult! The road to nowhere always is.

New GOP Website Functions Much Like The Party: It Doesn't!

Yo, yo waaaasup America? It's your off-the-hook, resident GOP dancing avatar Micheal Steele welcoming you to the hottest website on the block, the fresh, new GOP.com baby!

RNC Chairman Michael Steele promised to "take this party to the streets" and God damn it, he wasn't messin' around!

The sweet, newly redesigned GOP website has everything a hip, young teabagger could want like a "What up?" greeting from hip-hop youth liaison Michael Steele, a bright red, star-spangled banner (communist China?) on the homepage that reads "GOP Faces" and alternates snapshots of different proud members of the GOP every time the page is refreshed. That sh*t is tight!

With all this youth and diversity and color, not only is this not your grandmother's Republican Party, it's also not any Republican Party that exists in any reality to speak of. (Try the Twilight Zone??)

Of course like any great transformational moment in history, the GOP's newly launched secret weapon has not been without hitch, with the website's much-anticipated(?) unveiling plagued by intermittent crashes, broken links, and the usual growing pains like the site's "Future GOP leaders" page linking not to fresh-faced rising Republican stars but to "404 Error: This page could not be found."

Ummm, ooops.

"The RNC’s big relaunch of its website has not gone so well today. In the last hour or so, the site has been crashing periodically. Reporters found holes in the site's content this morning, and lately visitors have found the site to be down altogether or, at best, extremely slow."

"You know your web program is in trouble when your site can't even handle the traffic bump from people making fun of your web program," the Obama campaign's former online guru, Joe Rospars of Blue State Digital joked to Talking Points Memo.

Well, Mr. Balls of Steele has a few words for those naysayers and haters out there.

"It's not even really a web site," Steele said. "It's a new platform for us." Boo-ya!

It's "a beta site" (he's been dying to use that new word he learned!), "So we're working out a lot of the kinks and the bugs. So the Democrats can have some fun," he said.

Need he remind you that when he ran for chairman he promised to "take this party to the streets?"

"We've done that, I think, in a very creative way," Steele said, adding that the site is "a new tool to communicate the new GOP."

Well, well no wonder it worked so well then!

Republicans Call Secret Meeting To Get Michael Steele To Stop Acting "All Kanye"

Off-the-hook hip-hop RNC Chairman Michael Steele is trying very hard to do his job by humiliating himself and his party in every conceivable way, but some people just won't let the man be. For reals, yo!

Like the orange boner in charge of House Republicans, Minority Leader John Boehner, who called an emergency closed-door Republican meeting to discuss what exactly to do about the loose-lipped freedom-fighter from the 'streets' they've regretted ever since deciding to drop the whole Klansman act, and grudgingly elect the first (and last) black chairman of the Republican National Committee.

But since the GOP is now stuck with a dark-hued menace of their own, the pertinent question becomes what the hell to do about it?

The most popular solution to the Michael Steele Experiment appears to be prohibiting the man from saying anything ever about policy matters of any kind since every time he opens his mouth, it is akin to dropping the A-bomb on Hiroshima if Hiroshima was made up of middle-aged white men with no ideas to call their own, except bringing down a certain charming Democratic president named Barry.

But how do you tell the man you personally brought to the party to get the hell out of your house before he burns the whole place down?

Apparently, you call a really awkward, super-secret Republican meeting to beg your idiot Chairman to please stop involving himself in policy in any capacity. Or at the very least stop saying mind-blowingly stupid things like "the American Medical Association doesn't have credibility on healthcare reform" in a lame attempt to downplay the significance of throngs of doctors and medical experts in the AMA (who traditionally align with the Republicans in opposing major reform) showing up at the White House on Monday in support of NObama's terrible health care plan. The nerve of those backstabbing white coats with their MDs and PhDs thinking they know anything about health and medicine!

But by all accounts the meeting went well! So well in fact that no one would say anything other than "Closed-door meetings are closed-door meetings."

Luckily, someone leaked Michael's brilliant response to the GOP smack-down explaining how his "upbringing in the 'streets' made him a fighter and that he was determined to continue fighting and aggressively defending the party."

When pressed by reporters whether the conversation was heated, Sen. Lamar Alexander of Tennessee would only say, "It was a good discussion. Both of us are grown-ups and are experienced in politics, and I don’t think either one of us has thought very much about it."

How very Republican of them!

Michael Steele Declares War On Rush Limbaugh For Being So "Entertaining"

Rush Vs. Steele

Right-wing radio czar and de facto leader of conservative cretins everywhere, Rush Limbaugh is not someone you want to mess with.

Unfortunately, RNC Chairman Michael Steele must have missed the memo. Apparently, Mr. Steele was so busy attracting the nation's youth with his off-the-hook self that he forgot the single most important Republican commandment, "Thou Shalt Not Insult Rush."

Mr. Balls of Steele broke the cardinal rule by saying that as the head of the Republican National Committee, he, not Limbaugh, was in charge of the party and that he wanted to put the right-wing talker “into context.”

“Rush Limbaugh is an entertainer,” Steele said. “Rush Limbaugh, his whole thing is entertainment. Yes it’s incendiary, yes it’s ugly.”

UH-OH. Did he just drop the E-bomb? Aside from wimpy liberals and their Socialist messiah Barack Obama, there's nothing Rush hates more than being called a dreaded "entertainer."

You wanna call him a fat pathetic pill-popping slob who couldn't get it up if his life depended on it, fine. No hard feelings.

But call him an entertainer and he'll rip your f**king throat out and feed it to his 20 million loyal bloodthirsty followers just waiting for some dumb schmuck to insult the last great hero of the Republican party.

Keyser Söze Or Rush Hudson Limbaugh III?

Hip-Hop Michael Steele Goes Off The Hook

You remember Michael Steele don't you? The newly elected Republican National Committee Chairman who beat out those other two Klansman in a surprise upset to become the first black head of the RNC?

Well that's not the only surprise Mr. Steele has in store.

First comes the "off the hook" public relations offensive to attract younger voters, especially blacks and Hispanics, by applying the party’s principles to “urban-suburban hip-hop settings.”

Translation: convince young minority city-dwellers that the party of rich white Southerners really has their best interests in mind.

Then Mr. Steele will “surprise everyone” by updating the party's image using the Internet and advertisements on radio, television and print. Very avant garde stuff.

But he wouldn't elaborate too much, saying he would be an idiot to give his opponents too much information. Don't be silly, Michael. You're already an idiot.

But, we'll give you one thing. If there's anyone who knows the Republican Party needs to shake things up and reach "beyond our comfort zones," it is this man of Steele.

"We need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets." How can you argue with brilliance like that?

Courtesy Of Wonkette: Hip-Hop Michael Steele

Republicans Remind Us Why No One Really Likes Them

“Barack the Magic Negro"

I don't know about you, but I for one can not understand why the Republican party has fallen so out of favor with the American people.

Okay, so maybe racism, fear, and greed didn't play out so well this election year, but since when do Republicans care about what most Americans think anyway?

So why all the big fuss just because the front-runner for the next RNC chairmanship, Chip Saltsman, sent out a Christmas CD to committee members called "We Hate The USA," featuring such family favorites as “Barack the Magic Negro,” "John Edwards' Poverty Tour," "Ivory and Ebony" and "The Star Spanglish banner?"

Let's ask current Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan, who is also running for the position, what he thinks.

“The 2008 election was a wakeup call for Republicans to reach out and bring more people into our party. I am shocked and appalled that anyone would think this is appropriate as it clearly does not move us in the right direction.”

Well, guess what Mike? I'm shocked and appalled too. Shocked that someone who's chaired the Republican party for the last few years would actually believe they'd do anything else.

RNC Rumble: Duncan Vs. Saltsman