Yay! Republicans Heroically Vote To Keep Our Military Safe From Scary Ladies In Meat Dresses & Even Scarier Ga-Ga Gays!

OMG! Guess what little gay and lezzy monsters across America?? Your little "rights" struggles are over! Done, dunzo, finito, Ga-Ga-gonzo!

Oh, wait never mind, you're all still totally screwed, despite Lady Gaga donning a hotttt meat dress, and p-p-p-poking her face all around Maine, trying to convince the last two "moderate" (aka not completely insane) Senator ladies, Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe, not to be ignorant homophobic wretches, on the wrong side of equality everything, like the rest of their Grand Obstructionist Party of dinosaurs and elderly Klansmen. But they politely declined!

Ooops, guess crazy really is all the rage these days!

Not even Gaga's sexy steak dress was enough to convince the Bangor Sisters, Susan and Olympia, that indeed gays and lesbians should have as much right to senselessly die in a remote parched desert mountainside as the rest of decent, heterosexual America.

"Equality is the prime rib of America, but because I am gay, I don't get to enjoy the greatest cut of meat my country has to offer," Lady Gaga said, referring to the MTV Video Music Awards dress she wore last week made out of cuts of steak.

"Shouldn't everyone deserve to wear the same meat dress I do?" she said.

Yes, totally! Err, make that everyone who is not a gross gay person! They can have the scraps, or maybe the random discarded bits 'n parts that go into a hotdog. The gays like those, right? I would say lesbians too, but everyone knows dykes despise (man)meat, and much prefer Garden Burgers or Tofu instead. They should probably just go ahead and stick to that Kermit the Frog frock. It is much more their style, being green & vegetarian and all.

Oh yeah, and since when is Lady Gaga g-g-g-g-gay?? We were totally waiting for her to invent a new form of sexuality (steakuality? Bad Romancuality?) instead of declaring herself just another boring, ho-hum homo!

Sorry gays, maybe next year never?

But at least the rest of good, heteroperfect America can sleep soundly knowing that our nation's servicemen will not be secretly servicing one another (or at least not asking or telling anyone about it), for a few more months at the earliest! Phew!!

Thanks to the inability of Democrats to get the 60 votes needed to break a Republican filibuster and keep debate alive on a defense authorization bill — including a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" repeal and the DREAM Act, which would provide a path to citizenship for children of illegal immigrants via military service or higher education — the 17-year-old policy that legally bars gays and lesbians from being their fabulous selves while donning military fatigues and devoting their lives to protecting the very freedom they're denied, will continue indefinitely.

Woohoo! Who needs dumb equality anyway?? Certainly not this country! Not mighty, straight America: Land of the (sort of) free and home of the bravely discriminating against deviant queers for almost two decades. Hooray!

The Senate—leery of being steamrolled into a pre-election vote on abolishing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" before the Pentagon completes its study on the impact of its repeal—decided Tuesday against lifting the 17-year-old law. Senators voted 56-43, failing to get the 60 votes needed to end a Republican filibuster and allow an actual vote on ending the ban.

Republican senators, including Sens. John McCain (AZ) and Susan Collins (ME), argued that passing repeal now would undermine the Defense Department’s review of the policy, which won’t be completed until December.

Repeal supporters believe it will be years before another plausible effort can be mounted to allow openly gay men and women serve in the U.S. military.

Two Democratic senators from Arkansas (where the F else??), Mark Pryor and Blanche Lincoln, voted with Republicans to block the bill, likely because Blanche Lincoln wants her children to remember that she stood firmly against equality just before being soundly defeated in her final, desperate bid for re-election, against whatever even more repulsive, backwards, gay bashing bag of Earl Grey hijacked the GOP nomination now.

Go Blanche! You're an inspiration to all who abandon their principles, still get unceremoniously tossed out by mobs of racist white people, and end up as a big, fat, unemployed loser with nothing but a suspiciously dyke-y haircut to comfort you!

And of course, special kudos to ancient fossil and everyone's favorite bigoted, senile grandfather John McCain, whose tireless efforts to ensure the military is free of terrible gays, and instead filled with convicted felons, repeat offenders, and hotheaded airmen who skillfully crash their planes deep in enemy territory, only to get captured alive and wallow in a Vietnamese prison as a fool-proof(?) plan to get some real political power. By losing various presidential bids, along with his mind, integrity, soul, and tons o' Cindy's money along the way, for freedom!

Yes, the same John McCain who wanted to put FREAKIN' SARAH PALIN in the White House, is concerned that a gay man in uniform could harm the country. But a special needs moose as vice president? Ha ha, no worries! CUNTry first, my friends!

Sure, Gramps McCain might have lost the presidency of the United States, but now Johnny can take solace in the fact that he is still officially President of Keeping America Safe From Gay Troops, though judging by this latest blow (no pun intended), Obama may soon be taking that job, too!

So surely they will vote to pass this when that Pentagon review comes out and says gays should be allowed to serve openly in the military. Right??? Surely! John McCain especially. Someone might need to jog his memory a bit to give the old man a little reminder he already won the Senate election, so no need to morph into whatever racist homophobic nutjob he thinks will help him win in Aryanzona, just like last time.

"One can only draw the conclusion that this is all about elections, not about the welfare, the well-being, the morale and the battle effectiveness of the men and women who are laying it on the line in Iraq and Afghanistan today," McCain said.

Laying it on the line, not taking it from behind, got it all you fags 'n dykes out there, dying and/or translating Arabic before getting dishonorably discharged for not having the decency to the Republican kind of gay: in denial, undercover, or secretly trolling for hot man tail in airport men's rooms only.

Meanwhile, the wonderful straights of this country can take solace in knowing they are still, temporarily, allowed to have sex with one another and serve openly in the military, now that their god-blessed heterosexual marriage is totally less threatened by keeping courageous homos out of Army barracks and back in supply closets & storage containers where they belong.

So remember America: Be all you can be, except who you really are: a disgusting, eternally damned big ball of homosinuality who listens to Lady Gaga, when not destroying the moral fabric of society.

Or better yet why not just require all the gross gays to enlist, ship the whole sick lot of 'em off to Iraq and Afghanistan, so America can once again be the strong, strapping, fiercely hetero nation it strives to be, where a person will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character their partner's genitalia.

Because, here in America, when putting your life on the line to serve your country, the only thing that really matters is that you shoot are straight!

Ga-Ga-got it?

Democrats Violate Obama's Personal Space As He Signs Away Wall Street's Ability To Dupe The Dumb Public Whenever They Want...For Freedom!

Democratic congressional leaders happily hover around President Barack Obama as he signs the Dodd-Frank financial regulatory reform bill, giving the big, bad government sweeping oversight powers to regulate just how much Big Business/Wall Street is allowed to screw over dumb, everyday schmucks like you and me. Which, as it turns out, is not so much anymore! Hooray!

The bill, a hard-earned culmination of two years of fierce lobbying and intense debate over how to deal (or if you're a Republican, how NOT to deal) with the financial excesses and terrible hands-off policies that thrust the nation into the worst recession since the Great Depression, is another huge legislative victory for Barry the Terrible, and another devastating loss for the Grand Obstructionist Patriots who would love nothing more than to watch the dumb, suffering public stay poor, unemployed, and homeless for another four years, at least!

During the exciting White House signing ceremony, President Obama hailed the new legislation as a enormous victory for consumer protections and Wall Street accountability, and major step towards a sensible financial system that doesn't prey on the least fortunate, while rewarding those who urinate in diamond-encrusted gold toilets by spearheading one of the worst financial collapses in recent memory (except for maybe, John McCain of course!).

“These reforms represent the strongest consumer financial protections in history. Because of this law, the American people will never again be asked to foot the bill for Wall Street’s mistakes," President Obama said. "There will be no more taxpayer-funded bailouts. Period.”

“If you’ve ever applied for a credit card, a student loan, or a mortgage, you know the feeling of signing your name to pages of barely understandable fine print. But what often happens as a result, is that many Americans are caught by hidden fees and penalties, or saddled with loans they can’t afford.”

He said the law would crack down on abusive practices in the mortgage industry, simplifying contracts and ending hidden fees and penalties, “so folks know what they’re signing.”

Ugh, then how will Morgan Stanley and Bear Stearns be able to hand out billion dollar bonuses courtesy of the dumb (now homeless) taxpayers, as a well-earned reward for all their hard work concocting various get-rich-quick-by-destroying-an-entire-economy-schemes??

Minds so white hot with scintillating brilliance, they even managed to melt an entire housing market. Wizards, I tell ya!

Let's just hope Cosmo model Scott Brown gets his usual cold feet and starts prattling on about hostile business climates, not spooking investors, and not $crewing over the nice men and women responsible for his wild oil-guzzling ride to Washington, and decides to rip that pen out of NObama's Socialist hands mid-stroke.

Oh no-zees! Guess that's not going to happen! NObama even gave those three traitors a collective shout-out—including Bangor Sisters Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe of Maine, and Scott Brown of nudie centerfolds—for breaking with their party to approve the bill, saying that they “put partisanship aside, judged the bill on the merits, and voted for reform.”

God damn those selfish bastards! Now, who's gonna get rich off the misfortunes of others? Who, I ask you, who?

No one!?!?!

Ugh, America is as good as dead.

Just like your portfolio.

Michael "Heart Of" Steele Vows To Teabag His Party Into Extinction

Yo yo what up America? It's your off-the-hook hip-hop Republican National Committee chairman coming to you live after the great Republican Renaissance of 2009, courtesy of a certain tough-as-Steele cow on the tracks. Moo, motherf**kers Moo!

You see, after the RNC-backed endorsement of a "moderate Republican" in the NY-23 special election was eaten by rabid throngs of teabaggers, the old "big tent" Michael Steele decided he no longer liked those middle-of-the-road candidates he'd already selected to run in various 2010 races. In fact, he now despises these disgusting traitors and would do everything in his power to "come after" these terrorists and socialists masquerading as "moderate" Republicans.

"Candidates who live in moderate to slightly liberal districts have got to walk a little bit carefully here, because you do not want to put yourself in a position where you’re crossing that line on conservative principles, fiscal principles, because we’ll come after you," Steele told ABC’s Top Line in response to a question about Republicans who support the White House’s stimulus and health care plans.

"You’re gonna find yourself in a very tough hole if you’re arguing for the president’s stimulus plan or Nancy Pelosi’s health plan. There’s no justification for growing the size of government the way this administration and this Congress wants to do it."

Awww, snap! Steele ain't playing, yo! He will straight up go Joe Wilson on anyone who dare reach across the aisle to help America.

While Steele didn't name names, dem fightin' words could be taken as a warning to governors Charlie Crist and Arnold Schwarzenegger for supporting NObama's terrible stimulus (like a bunch of Barry-whipped pansies) and Sen. Olympia Snowe for being the lone Republican senator to side with the Democratic grandma slayers and Nazis trying to reform health care.

He also hinted that the RNC will move further right and try to capture the support of tea partiers because, "We still are and remain the conservative party."

"The challenge now, as you see the emergence of the 9/12 movement and the tea parties and so forth, is to help them appreciate that we're with them, we're walking that walk with them," he said. "We're making the same arguments they're making about government intrusion into health care and the economy, stripping our freedoms, and that is a very difficult walk."

Of course it's difficult! The road to nowhere always is.

Hammer Time With Harry Reid: Public Option, Can't Touch This!

That other Mormon politician not named Mittens, frail Senate majority leader Harry Reid is getting ready to unveil his health care proposal this afternoon, despite urging from the White House and Nancy Pelosi to kindly disappear in the Nevada desert and keep his dirty paws to himself or risk getting the sh*t slapped out of him by a certain Madame Speaker.

But Harry has never been one to listen to others, especially in the form of advice from the President or dismal approval numbers in every public opinion poll, which is why he will announce plans to push ahead with a public option vote--one that includes an opt-out provision for states--since he's spent the entire weekend begging members to pretty please support his measure cause he really doesn't want to get sent back to that Nevada hell he came from, a sad, broken man.

But the White House is nervous that this wisp of a Senate leader may imperil their chances of a bipartisan health care bill by alienating some Snow(e) woman from Maine and the one Republican whose idea of health care reform isn't limited to euthanizing Obama.

"In case the White House hasn't noticed, Republicans in Congress are engaged in what amounts to a sitdown strike. They don't like anything about Obama or his policies; they have no interest in seeing him succeed," Newsweek's Howard Fineman writes. "Despite the occasional protestation to the contrary, the GOP has no intention of helping him pass any legislation. Snowe may very well end up voting for whatever she and Democrats craft, but that won't make the outcome bipartisan any more than dancing shoes made Tom DeLay Fred Astaire...Worse, the pursuit of Snowe isn't uniting Democrats; it is dividing them."

Yes, but at least the Dems have secured their own Ginger Rogers to help dance their health care reform through Congress, even if it ends up injured, limping and breathing on a respirator. Anything's better than Tom DeLay in sparkly tights and a unitard.

Fineman continues that "some form of a public option is favored not only by most Democrats in Congress but by most of the American people. If Obama and the Democrats really want such a plan, they may as well try to get tough. For inspiration, the president might consider a Longfellow poem: "'In this world, a man must either be an anvil or a hammer.'"

Otherwise, we all get screwed.

Luckily, this 70-year-old convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is just the man for the job. They don't call him Harry "Mason" Reid for nothing.