Hammer Time With Harry Reid: Public Option, Can't Touch This!

That other Mormon politician not named Mittens, frail Senate majority leader Harry Reid is getting ready to unveil his health care proposal this afternoon, despite urging from the White House and Nancy Pelosi to kindly disappear in the Nevada desert and keep his dirty paws to himself or risk getting the sh*t slapped out of him by a certain Madame Speaker.

But Harry has never been one to listen to others, especially in the form of advice from the President or dismal approval numbers in every public opinion poll, which is why he will announce plans to push ahead with a public option vote--one that includes an opt-out provision for states--since he's spent the entire weekend begging members to pretty please support his measure cause he really doesn't want to get sent back to that Nevada hell he came from, a sad, broken man.

But the White House is nervous that this wisp of a Senate leader may imperil their chances of a bipartisan health care bill by alienating some Snow(e) woman from Maine and the one Republican whose idea of health care reform isn't limited to euthanizing Obama.

"In case the White House hasn't noticed, Republicans in Congress are engaged in what amounts to a sitdown strike. They don't like anything about Obama or his policies; they have no interest in seeing him succeed," Newsweek's Howard Fineman writes. "Despite the occasional protestation to the contrary, the GOP has no intention of helping him pass any legislation. Snowe may very well end up voting for whatever she and Democrats craft, but that won't make the outcome bipartisan any more than dancing shoes made Tom DeLay Fred Astaire...Worse, the pursuit of Snowe isn't uniting Democrats; it is dividing them."

Yes, but at least the Dems have secured their own Ginger Rogers to help dance their health care reform through Congress, even if it ends up injured, limping and breathing on a respirator. Anything's better than Tom DeLay in sparkly tights and a unitard.

Fineman continues that "some form of a public option is favored not only by most Democrats in Congress but by most of the American people. If Obama and the Democrats really want such a plan, they may as well try to get tough. For inspiration, the president might consider a Longfellow poem: "'In this world, a man must either be an anvil or a hammer.'"

Otherwise, we all get screwed.

Luckily, this 70-year-old convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is just the man for the job. They don't call him Harry "Mason" Reid for nothing.

Déjà Vu? Barry Talks Health Care, Republicans Talk Trash

Wah Wah. Barry NObama has had a rough couple of weeks trying to get America to see the benefit of having health care options beyond what color stain they'd like on the shoddy wooden casket used to host their pathetic, broke-ass, decrepit bodies.

It's never easy convincing people to let you help them, especially when the Republican half of the nation's lawmakers are ever so responsibly filling the airwaves with lies, fears, and a whole lot of crazy. But that's okay. Barry is used to doing things the hard way.

So once again, President Obama takes to the teevee Wednesday night to give his billionth speech to "make sure that the American people are clear exactly what it is that we're proposing."

Apparently, his failure to enumerate each and every point in the oh, hundreds or so pages of the health care reform bill "left too much ambiguity" and as a result, allowed his opponents to "fill up the airwaves with a lot of nonsense." Which they would NEVER have done if it weren't for Obama confusing everyone with his big words and bold plans for creating a health care system that makes sense, actually helps people and doesn't throw your bleeding, broken, half-dead ass out the door because you have food stamps not Visa Platinum in your wallet.

Please excuse him for thinking that Congress was actually capable of acting like a functional legislative body instead of a mob of bratty teenagers and making "an effort to give Congress the ability to do their thing and not step on their toes."

This time, Obama will make sure that Democrats and Republicans (and Americans!) understand that "I'm open to new ideas, that we're not being rigid and ideological about this thing, but we do intend to get something done this year." Like pronto. And that something happens to include a public option (gasp!) so that the only choice isn't which private insurer will rip you off less.

"I continue to believe that a public option within the basket of insurance choices would help improve quality and bring down costs."

And turn this country into a Socialist nightmare where those who are satisfied with their current insurance wouldn't be affected (except perhaps to be relieved of sky-rocketing rates) and those without or unsatisfied with their insurance provider could opt for the more affordable public or government-run option. Total insanity! Still sounds suspiciously Russian to me...

Good thing the Republicans are busy preparing a response strategy to steal some of the President's thunder and help clear up those nasty rumors still swirling around all because they hate Obama and love America that much.

They even found a doctor--a Republican doctor (surgeon!) and congressman all the way from Louisiana--to deliver the rebuttal. Surely, this rising star by the name of Charles Boustany will be better than the last bayou stud dork they brought in called Bobby or Piyush or something like that.

"Dr. Boustany’s response will be a new and more prominent venue to highlight what Republicans have been saying all along," House Minority Leader John Boehner's press secretary said. "We want to work with the president on bipartisan health care solutions, especially regarding rising health care costs."

NOT!!! HAHAHAHAHA OMG STOP!! You guys are too funny! No, seriously I...I...can't breathe...and I could never afford health insurance. Oops.

Perhaps Dr. Charles Boustany Will Save Me?