What Do You Call A Massive Boehner Who Laughs At The Total Collapse Of Our Economy? Speaker Of The House, Of Course!

It's Monday in America, meaning it's a brand new week for the very mature adults in Congress to flitter about like special needs schoolchildren, while our nation teeters towards the brink of catastrophic self-induced collapse.

Hooray!?

Of course, being the mature, weeping, unnaturally orange-tinted Republican House Speaker that he is, John Boehner has naturally decided to stop speaking to anyone and everyone and write his own terrible debt plan instead.

Conversely, boring, normal flesh-colored Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has also decided to stop talking to everyone and opted to craft his very own $2.7 trillion deficit reduction plan, too. So there!

The good news is that both plans do effectively raise the debt limit on or before August 2, avoiding a catastrophic default and turning America into one great big deadbeat dad who refuses to pay child support, so he can watch the game on his new flat screen teevee and drown his sorrows in 40oz of whatever kind of beer it is they package in troughs and sell to poor people wearing wife beaters in the middle of the day.

In fact, the only major difference is whether the debt limit should be raised all the way into 2013, or whether Congress should redo this entire hellish debate again early next year to force Democrats and Republicans to pass entitlement and tax reforms because total dysfunction and the possible financial meltdown of America is one helluva good time! Amiright??

The bad news, however, is that each side is expected to reject the other's plan and we'll continue to be royally fucked, which is pretty much what happens when a bunch of immature asshats are put in positions of power and tasked with handling very important issues.

TPM reports:

Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Reid said Boehner's plan can't pass the Senate and even if it could Obama would veto it.

"The Republicans' short-term plan is a non-starter in the Senate and in the White House," Reid said. Schumer called Reid's plan a fair compromise. "At this point there is no alternative other than default, and no basis for Republicans rejecting the proposal other than that they want a default," Schumer added. 

Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, Chuck! Don't put words into their mouths! It's not the economy they're desperately trying to gut like a fish and plunge down a filthy, slimy chute into the toilet. It's the president, silly!

What is so hard to understand here, people??

According to Politico:

A day after breathless news reports that a deal was imminent, John Boehner jokingly told his conference that he had reached a sweeping agreement with President Barack Obama to slash trillions of dollars in government spending.

“I’m just kidding,” he added, drawing a laugh from rank-and-file Republicans, according to those in the room.

Oh, hahahahahaha! Since everyone, or at least that one huge Boehner, looooooves jokes so much, here's one: Republicans are NOT going to crash our economy, destroy our credit rating, and cost us trillions in extra interest on the national debt.

Just kidding!

They'll just fire more teachers and tell more old people to go to hell.

Ya know, compromise!

Don't Worry America, Congress Will Still Get Paid During Government Shutdown Over Ladies & Their Lady Parts

Just in case you were concerned about how Michele Bachmann, John Boehner, John McCain, Joe Wilson, that Nelson nutjob from Nebraska, and all the rest of the lunatic wingnuts comprising America's esteemed 112th Congress are going to survive the Great Government Shutdown of 2011, fear not my friends! They can still get paid, and probably will too, because unpaid furloughs are for losers and poors like teachers and police officers, not millionaire legislators charged with the difficult task of deciding what a woman can and cannot do with her sinful, lust-filled body.

About 800,000 federal workers would be sent home without pay if Congress fails to negotiate a budget deal by Friday night. But whether lawmakers would require themselves to take the same medicine is unclear.

Under House rules, lawmakers have the authority to determine who on their staffs would remain at work as "essential'' employees and who would be furloughed during a shutdown."

Oooh, oooh, please say prostitutes, mistresses, exotic escorts, and underage senate pages qualify as essential!

Lawmakers would continue to get paid during a shutdown, unless the full Congress voted otherwise. Both the House and Senate have voted to suspend their own pay during a shutdown, but as part of legislation that has not passed the other chamber, the Wall Street Journal reports.

Well I should certainly hope so! What the hell does this look like, Soviet Russia or something?

But just in case of the off chance that filthy rich, striking politicians continuing to get paid while shutting down operations may look bad to the average schlub, some noble legislators have suggested doing something else with the money (they don't need anyway), like skipping their salaries, shooting the paycheck with a .308 Winchester rifle, or maybe even giving it to gross "charity" or whatever.

On Thursday, some lawmakers said they didn’t believe they should keep their salaries during a shutdown. West Virginia Sen. Joe Manchin, a Democrat, urged his colleagues to return such pay to the Treasury or give it to charity. “I can’t imagine that the president, vice president or any member of Congress—Republican or Democrat—thinks they should get paid when the government has shut down,” Mr. Manchin said.

Poor U.S. representatives! How on God's once-green Earth will they make do on their stock dividends, corporate speaking fees, PAC petty cash accounts, and trust funds alone? Oh, the humanity!

Luckily, their "essential" staffers will still be around to sign for the unmarked boxes of freshly squeezed poor people's tears, tightly packed placentas fresh from the womb, and plentiful stacks of oil-dipped hundred dollar bills courtesy of the Koch brothers.

From TPM:

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has laid a final offer at Republicans' feet, and it will require them to drop their insistence on defunding Planned Parenthood, and accepting what Reid insists is an agreed upon level of spending cuts. If Republicans don't take it, and if Reid's not bluffing, the government will shutdown.

"The number we're not bending on," he told reporters in a press briefing Friday morning. "We're not bending on that and we're not bending on women's health."

The ball is effectively now in House Speaker John Boehner's court. Republicans have signaled a willingness to drop the Planned Parenthood rider in exchange for more spending cuts. But Reid says they've agreed on cut number — $78 billion below President Obama's budget request last year, or about $38 billion off current spending.

Not that it's even about budget cuts or reducing spending at this point. A few billion here, a few billion there. Yawn. What's the diff, right?

C'mon, didn't you people learn anything? It is always about abortion! Even if the Democrats do the unthinkable and cave in to the ludicrous amount of cuts Republicans want to make, everyone knows the GOP will still insist on using it's big orange Boehner to stick in policy riders to defund Planned Parenthood, cripple health care reform, and inform the slutty environment it's not a rape victim when corporations pummel it because it was totally begging for it with its skimpy, half-naked ozone and come drill me mantle.

Another Day, Another Weeping Orange Boehner Wets Himself For No Reason

Democrats and Republicans might be on the verge of shutting down the big, bad gubmint (hooray?) due to some alleged financial dispute, but beloved members of both of our nation's dumb political parties can at least still agree on one thing: even House Speaker John Boehner's inappropriate, borderline hysterical booze tears won't be enough to save the nation now.

After meeting with his Senate majority counterpart (minus the drinking problem), Harry Reid, to discuss always-riveting budget negotiations, John Boehner once again returned to his House Republican caucus to deliver what's come to be known as the sob heard 'round the world.

"Yes. He cried, but only briefly," said one person at the meeting.

Phew! I mean we wouldn't want the ol' Boehns to waste all his glowing moisture droplets in one fell swoop, now would we? Let's just hope he can better budget his tear ducts than he can the actual budget!

So yes it looks like the government is going to shut down tomorrow night because, like, who needs law and order anyway? Certainly not Libya...or the United States!

Because Republicans will NOT do anything, I repeat anything until Obama and the God-awful Democrats agree to withhold all funds for anyone not still connected to a placenta or serving in unnecessary military invasions or occupations overseas.

Ya know, the important people.

But leave it to those pesky Democrats to refuse the Republicans' asinine demands and instead do something really crazy like actually stand up for spending money on some stuff, just to keep the ol' government coiffers filled and humming dysfunctionally along.

The nerve!

The one-week stopgap drafted by House Republicans would provide money through Sept. 30 for the Pentagon, which has said the budget fight is causing considerable problems for the military. The inclusion of the military spending should win support for the bill even from House conservatives who had previously said they would not back any more temporary spending measures. It also allows Republicans to say they are making certain that troops fighting overseas do not miss a paycheck.

Oooh, thank heavens Republicans don't have to worry about people saying they don't sufficiently love the troops with all their ice cold, corporate-sponsored, oil-soaked li'l hearts, since this is pretty much the only thing that concerns the Grand Old Party, other than legislating what a woman can or cannot do with her hooha.

Priorities, people!

“There is an intent on both sides to continue to work together to try to resolve this. No one wants the government to shut down," Boehner said, his lower lip once again quivering and eyes filling with faux warm wet droplets. Wink, wink.

Haha, dumb Democrats didn't even realize his fingers were crossed behind his back, which everyone knows is the universal sign for psyching out Democratic congressmen (and women!).

Which isn't all that hard when all you have to do is demand a bunch of outrageous, nonsensical concessions from the party in power and call it a comprise, stockpile some tear ducts, gather a crowd of lamestream jourrnalists, and scare the bejesus out of caring Democrats by making yet another half-hearted, ill-intended promise to shutdown the terrible, no-good government everyone hates except when Republicans are running it.

 “I’ve got to tell you all that I like the president personally,” John Boehner said. “We get along well. But the president isn’t leading. He didn’t lead on last year’s budget, and he clearly is not leading on this year’s budget.”

Unlike a certain Speaker Leaker of the House, whose unparalleled leadership skills can clearly be seen by the trail of bourbon-flavored tear drops leading to the one place America can't afford to shut down: the local tanning salon, duh!

Which is still a helluva lot better than the latest, greatest GOP "compromise" the Republicans will cook up next, if they want to avoid government shutdown another two weeks: the immediate killing of the first born child in every Democratic family.

See, told ya governing is easy!

Deck The Halls With Greed & Sorrow, Santa Clause-Killing Repubs Are Coming To Town!

Forget the pesky equal-rights demanding gays or the gross poors, this time the ever-righteous, morally pure Grand Old Prophets of Divinity here on Earth have turned their seething, beautifully white hot, perfectly rational rage towards a much more cunning adversary: the Godless n'er-do-well Democrats.

Ugh, the nerve of those bastards trying to actually get critical legislation passed during what was supposed to be a lame duck Congress of fun and  frivolity!

Luckily for the rest of us in real America, fearless leaders heroes like Republicans Senators Jim DeMint of South Carolina and Jon Kyl of Arizona will not just stand idly by while Democrats' desecrate the Holy Spirit of Halo III and insufferable, recycled RomCom box office busts with such legislative tomfoolery, like the silly omnibus spending bill to fund dumb government for another year, repealing the discriminatory Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy permitting gross gays and lezzies to get blown up by roadside IEDs like normal, decent, straight Americans, or signing some terrible, pussy new START nuclear arms treaty with Russia.

This aggression cannot stand!

Enraged by the Democrats' pre-Christmas push to actually get some shit accomplished for once in their miserable, pathetic lives, Sen. Jim DeMint  blasted the move as "sacrilegious," and warned he'd draw the process out to wage his objections.

"You can't jam a major arms control treaty right before Christmas," the less-than-fresh, increasingly bitter Sen. Jim DeMint told POLITICO. "What's going on here is just wrong. This is the most sacred holiday for Christians. They did the same thing last year - they kept everybody here until (Christmas Eve) to force something down everybody's throat. I think Americans are sick of this."

Of course, they could be sick from all the toxic smoke and debris inhaled by 9/11 First Responders lacking adequate health care since Republicans simply cannot justify funding these freeloaders while poor, suffering millionaires, barons and heiresses face the terrifying injustice of a marginal tax increase they'll never need, miss nor so much as notice anyway.

This is a matter of principles, God damn it, and if there's one thing Republicans don't compromise on, it's principles!

Principles like the dignity of denying 9/11 emergency workers adequate care for their heroic efforts during a national tragedy, compassion for billionaire CEOs in danger of losing their cushy billion dollar bonuses, and of course deep concern for their own, hard-earned, well-deserved paid vacation time to celebrate the miraculous birth of their favoritest immaculately conceived precious li'l bundle of divinity, baby Jesus.

Like Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.) who simply cannot stay silent while dastardly Democrats try to complete a busy lame duck agenda by dancing like wild Injuns around the swaddled Savior in his miracle manger.

"It is impossible to do all of the things that the majority leader laid out," Sen. Jon Kyl said, "frankly, without disrespecting the institution and without disrespecting one of the two holiest of holidays for Christians and the families of all of the Senate, not just the senators themselves but all of the staff."

So true! But even a dumb old Mormon like Harry Reid knows disrespecting baby Jesus is better than disrespecting the Resurrected Jesus because HE is no longer Jewish, and thus infinitely better.

"As a Christian, no one has to remind me of the importance of Christmas for all of the Christian faith, all their families across America," Harry Reid said. "I don’t need to hear the sanctimonious lectures of Sens. Kyl and DeMint to remind me of what Christmas means."

"Where were their concerns about Christmas [when they were posing] filibuster after filibuster of every piece of legislation during this entire Congress?" Reid asked on the Senate floor this afternoon.

Ummm, probably out getting plastered with Santa and the rest of those red-nosed reindeer sluts, colored savages, and sodomite soldiers spreading Seasons Greetings, smart bombs, and STDs across the land in sinful secular spirit.

Forget What Jesus Would Do. I'll tell you What Jesus Wouldn't Do. And that's enact some pussy Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty that would bring us closer to 'peace on earth,' or do anything to help ease the pain and suffering of those less fortunate than, say, the Fortune 500.

After all, 'tis the Season to be Jolly Wretched.

Fa la la la la, la la la la!

Sharron Angle's PAC Questionnaire Proves Republicans Aren't The Party Of NO, They're The Party Of LuNOtic!

Check 'Yes' For Crazy! 

You may remember Sharron Angle, the crazy Teabag lady from Nevada hoping to unseat meek ol' Mormon Harry Reid as Senate Majority Leader with her wonderful, forward-thinking ideas like how to make deliciously refreshing lemonade out of getting incestuously raped and impregnated by your father (eat one of her famous zesty lemon squares and call her in the morning?), and dismantling the terrible, no-good government she hates so much, she's dropped millions of dollars desperately trying to be a part of. Ya know, for freedom 'n stuff! What a gal!

Well lucky for us, the arugula-eating, Jew-run media elites over at the AP have dug up a questionnaire filled out by Sharron Angle from the Government Is Not God PAC, with 36 yes-or-no answers, so thankfully Sharron was able to fill it out without hitch. Unlike incestuous rape and lemonade, short answers and Sharron do not mix!

The PAC, Government Is Not God, which not surprisingly has endorsed Angle's campaign, may sound like it opposes legislating based on religion and/or religious beliefs, as the name would imply, but apparently they're as brilliant as their lovely candidate because their mission "to seek the election to Congress of men and women who hold conservative beliefs on both moral and economic issues" suggests that "God Should Be Government" would be a better, and certainly more appropriate name, for such an organization.

And much like their prized candidate, the Government Is Not God PAC  have some, umm, shall we say, "interesting" beliefs about social issues, especially those involving the gays (gross!) and unborn fetuses (great!), as can be seen by Sharron answering "yes" to every single one of their questions.

Social Issues-Abortion:

"2. Do you believe that an unborn child is a person under the 14th amendment?" She most certainly does! Every last one of 'em is a precious li'l miracle of God just waiting to be sprung from the oppressive womb and onto the Earth to fulfill their divine destiny ending the tyranny of government, while safeguarding the indescribable beauty of free-market capitalism.

"3. Do you believe that abortion is the taking of a human life?" Yes, 100% without a doubt...unless of course that fetus happens to be a dirty Mexican fetus! Then feel free to do as you will. She doesn't much care either way, so long as it lands on their side of the fence.

"8. If a pregnant woman is murdered, should the perpetrator face an additional count of for the unborn child?" Yes, definitely! So long as that child is perfectly Christian and pure snow-white with no trace of Black, Hispanic, or icky Jew in their undeveloped system that is.

Social Issues-Other:

"10. Do you oppose the recognition of 'same-sex marriages'?" HAHAHAHA! Is the Pope Catholic? Is the sky blue? Is grass green? Do you even need to ask? Ugh, **Shudder!**

"11. Do you oppose adding 'sexual orientation' as a protected minority under existing civil rights laws?" Duh! As if the eternally-damned sodomites deserve special protections. Puh-lease! Those are reserved for special respectable kinds of people who deserve them like White Anglo-Saxon Protestants and fiscal conservatives.

"12. Do you oppose laws allowing homosexuals to adopt children?" Yes, of course she does! Screw you dumb orphans! Either find yourself a nice, loving STRAIGHT (preferably White and Christian) family who will love you, or wake up and smell the coffee: clearly you are simply too ugly and too stupid for any parents to ever love your abandoned li'l behind. So, sorry? Sure, it may sound harsh, but trust me, you'll thank her later.

"13. Do you favor laws that restrict the production, sale, and distribution of pornography?" You better believe it! Because any sex not done for the sole purpose of procreating is evil and an affront to God and should never, ever be recorded or documented in any way, under any circumstances, let alone so much as participated in like wild beasts with no moral compass or restraints to speak of.

"16. Do you support the right of students and teachers to publicly acknowledge the Creator?" Yes she does! But since which "Creator" is never specified, we can only assume she means all creators, so ummm, praise Xenu, God of Tom Cruise!

Education:

"18. Should federal involvement in public education be eliminated, including eliminating the U.S. Department of Education?" Of course she does! If your one-man-one woman-only parental units (as the good Lord intended) cannot afford to send you to a proper Jesus school like St. Mary of the Angels or Immaculate Conception, then screw you you and your child's inquisitive li'l mind! You don't even deserve to have an education, for Pete's Sake! The free ride is over!

"22. Do you oppose federally funded school-based health clinics?" Yes she most certainly does! Either find a way to stay germ-free and healthy (perhaps say a prayer or two?) or deal with the consequences. So have fun dying, kiddies! She's never much cared for those naive mini-adults anyway.

Politics:

"35A. Would you refuse PAC money from those who are fundamentally opposed to your views on social issues?" Would you sucker-punch an unsuspecting passerby? Kick an injured man when he's down? Hurl money and insults at a wheelchair-bound Parkinson's sufferer? Steal candy from the mouth of a babe? YES, YES, YES, YES, and YES!!!

"35B. In reference to question 35A, Intel Corporation supports 'equal rights for gays' and offers benefits to 'partners' of homosexual employees. Would you refuse funds from this corporate PAC?" Of course she would! C'mon taking money from the dirty (who-knows-where-they've-been!) hands of actual homosexuals?? She'd sooner flog herself bloody, get nailed to a cross on a sweltering summer day in the middle of the Vegas Strip and wait for the vultures to have their way with her then ever accept the sullied-currency of Godless Sodomites and Sapphos. Ewwwwwww, perish the thought!

Asked about Angle's answers, her spokesman Jarrod Agen said, "this nation has a long history of clergy speaking their conscience, whether you're talking about the Founding Fathers or Martin Luther King. As a strong believer in the First Amendment, Sharron Angle believes it is improper for the federal government to use the threat of revoking tax exempt status against churches and pastors."

"Sharron Angle believes that ideally, children should have a relationship with both a mother and a father and our adoption policy should reflect that."

"As a grandmother of ten and a former teacher, nobody is more concerned about our kids' education than Sharron Angle. As Sharron has said many times, education is best handled at the local level, not by bureaucrats in Washington, D.C. delivering unfunded mandates like 'No Child Left Behind,'" Jarrod Agen added.

Wow, thanks for totally clearing that up, Mr. Spokesman with a similarly misspelled name as Sharron Angle. We feel sooooooo much better (totally comfortable, in fact!) with her awesome, sensible beliefs now that you've explained them so well.

Truth is, we don't need another weirdo with an unnecessarily added consonant in their names to show us that Sharron Angle just answered "yes" to every question (probably without even reading them first) because she wanted this crazy PAC's Jesus-blessed money.

We're just happy to know that Sharron Angle is bringing to Washington the kind of savvy leadership of a troubled kid who randomly marks "C" for every answer on his Scantron sheet.

Wooohooo! America is back where it should be my friends: metaphorically shooting spitballs at the teacher (big, bad gubmint) from the back of a Special Ed classroom (Senate) in the hopes that their behavioral problem plagued, unstable, ADHD-suffering, glue-eating resident dunce (Sharron Angle) is elected as class Preznent!

And you thought Republicans were the party of "No!" when they're really the party of "Yes!" but only if the question is absolutely the most batsh*t crazy, nonsensical, insane thing your ears have ever heard!

Sharron Angle Knows When Life Hands You Lemons, Make Lemonade & Thank Jesus For Giving You Anything, Even If It's Spoiled Rinds Or Li'l Miracles Of Incestuous Rape

Ooooh, another adorable wingnut surprise from the parched West, dem parts where they don't take too kindly to strangers, like dirty Mexicans in their backyards or Kenyans in their White House.

But, who is this new delicious desert-fried bite of unbridled crazy, and where in God's scorched desert landscape did she come from?

Why, it's Sharron Angle, straight from the bright, big city lights of America's favoritest place to bet their life savings and booze away their sorrows, the sparkling state where it's cool to hit the strip scouring for strippers to bang, Nevada baby!

But, other than a certifiable crazy person, just who is this awesome new darling of human bags o' caffeinated herbs 'n spice, who beat out that (equally insane) Chicken Lady to win the Nevada Republican primary and the one-of-a-kind opportunity to face none other than Dear Leader Harry "Mason" Reid for the chance to become the next, freedom-loving patriot to head to our nation's capital to serve the evil, terrible government her entire campaign is based on destroying. Yay?

One may refer to the irony of an outspoken anti-government zealot attempting to become part of said terrible government by using the well-known phrase "turning lemons into lemonade." This would almost be an appropriate use of the popular metaphor. But not if your Sharron Angle, who prefers to use this simple, ubiquitous cliche when waxing psychotic poetic about how young, teenage girls raped by their fathers shouldn't be able to have abortions, but instead deal with the "horrific situation" by turning "lemons into lemonade."

STOCK: What do you say then to a young girl, I am going to place it as he said it, when a young girl is raped by her father, let’s say, and she is pregnant. How do you explain this to her in terms of wanting her to go through the process of having the baby?

ANGLE: I think that two wrongs don’t make a right. And I have been in the situation of counseling young girls, not 13 but 15, who have had very at risk, difficult pregnancies. And my counsel was to look for some alternatives, which they did. And they found that they had made what was really a lemon situation into lemonade. Well one girl in particular moved in with the adoptive parents of her child, and they both were adopted. Both of them grew up, one graduated from high school, the other had parents that loved her and she also graduated from high school. And I’ll tell you the little girl who was born from that very poor situation came to me when she was 13 and said ‘I know what you did thank you for saving my life.’ So it is meaningful to me to err on the side of life.

Oh, Sharry! It's one thing to be an insane crazy person who happens to equate abortion with the murder of an innocent life. From a purely ideological perspective, one should not feel compelled to say sugarcoated, not-so-politically-suicidal statements you don't really mean just to make yourself sound electable instead of imbalanced. But at the same time, one should also not try to pretend these tragic incidents are some positive, life-changing affirmations when they're really just hellishly bad nightmares.

It's just not done. It's called class, got it, Angle?

Of course, this isn't the first time Sharry baby has found herself in scalding hot water for saying bizarre, crazy lady things, like oh, turning incestuous rape victims into delicious lemon meringue pie, or encouraging the assassination of her Democratic election foe, incumbent Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid while appearing on conservative talk radio "The Lars Larson Show:"

You know, our Founding Fathers, they put that Second Amendment in there for a good reason and that was for the people to protect themselves against a tyrannical government. And in fact Thomas Jefferson said it’s good for a country to have a revolution every 20 years.
I hope that’s not where we’re going, but, you know, if this Congress keeps going the way it is, people are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies and saying my goodness what can we do to turn this country around? I’ll tell you the first thing we need to do is take Harry Reid out.

To a really fancy restaurant?? Why, that's awfully nice of you to offer, Sharron, but he's been super busy trying to actually run this terrible government you're always ranting about, while trying to avoid being "taken out" by some heat-packin' Sharron Angle supporter with Jesus on his side, and extra bullets in his swastika decorated fannypack.

"I meant take him out of office, and taking him out of office is a little different," Sharron later clarified. "I changed my rhetoric."

Of course! Oooooh, won't it be great once she's elected and decides to take out every ranking senator until there's no one left but Senate Majority Leader Angle and a congressional floor full of bullet-riddled corpses. Then America will really be free!

But what else does Miss Angle believe other than assassinating elected Democratic officials from her native Nevada, and cooking lip-smacking lemon and incestuous rape-based cuisine?

Before she decided to stop gift-wrapping insane statements to the press and retreat into a safe, media-free zone where her ridiculous, frightening thoughts could remain private, Sharron Angle gave America a near-perfect stream of delightful, discretion-free lunacy 'round the clock.

Abortion: Divine interpreter Sharron Angle believes abortion should be illegal because of (who else?) God. When asked by radio host Bill Manders whether there is "any reason at all for an abortion," Angle answers: "Not in my book." For clarity, he says: "So, in other words, rape and incest would not be something?" And the always charming Angle replies with this reasoning: "You know, I'm a Christian, and I believe that God has a plan and a purpose for each one of our lives and that he can intercede in all kinds of situations and we need to have a little faith in many things."

Hear that, ya ungrateful heathen? God planned your terrifying (divine?) rape and subsequent pregnancy! And if God's plan is for you to get forcibly penetrated by your uncle and/or father, His plan is also that you keep your deformed, cognitively impaired baby, and take comfort knowing the Lord is watching over you. Just have a little faith here, people!

And while we're at it, why bother throwing the man in prison for doing God's work honorably raping women and children? After all, how could us mere mortals possibly understand the divine nature of planting a man's seed in his 12 year old daughter through forced, gruesome penetration?? Exactly.

Unemployment: Sure, Nevada may currently lead the nation in unemployment but that doesn't stop our Sharry from making mindblowingly insensitive, glib comments about poor, jobless Nevadans (laaaaaaazy!) enduring terrible hardships. You see, Sharron knows that those without employment are "spoiled" brats, and perfect Senators to-be like her (ooh, keep your fingers crossed!) are "not in the business of creating jobs."

Of course, what she really meant to say was that was that welfare "has spoiled our citizenry" and that "the system of entitlement has caused us to have a spoilage with our ability to go out and get a job," which apparently also extends to her ability to master obscure Old English phrases that went into extinction with the Dodo Bird, Polio, and John McCain's integrity. So, bravo?

Scientology: Sharron Angle is NOT a Scientologist, I repeat Sharron Angle is NOT a Scientologist! They are weird and mostly elitist liberal celebrity types, which Miss Angle is most certainly not. She is a down-to-Earth gal from the Wild West who simply believes that Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard had all the answers when it comes to curing addiction, and as a legislator, supported "a prison rehabilitation program promoted by the Church of Scientology and involving massage and saunas." Which is totally not Scientology! Far from it. It is simply a very reasonable psychiatric alternative invented by the same man who belives America was founded somewhere around 75 million years ago when the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy Xenu brought billions of humans ("thetans") to Earth, stacked them in volcanoes, and blew them up using hydrogen bombs, or maybe just had Sharron and her followers shoot them with their semiautamic machine guns 'til they all exploded. Point is, no one knows for sure!

The United Nations: That shriveled old thing? Is that ancient fossil still around? Ugh, Sharron Angle knows it's time to leave that old whining hag in the nursing home, or six feet under with Grandma where it belongs. It's high time America withdraws from that stupid world organization already, since it's nothing more than a cesspool of liberal ideology and "the umpire on fraudulent science such as global warming."

"I'm a clean-air proponent," Angle said in an interview. "I don't, however, buy into the whole...man-caused global warming, man-caused climate change mantra of the left. I believe that there's not sound science to back that up."

She only gets her science from reliable sources like L. Ron Hubbard, Tom Cruise and whatever the voices in her head tell her (kill Harry Reid?).

But alas, don't get too attached to wonderful Sharry and her enlightened positions because last week Angle launched a new website that "softens" her stances, by "removing them entirely," lest she come across as some unhinged nutjob or anything.

Oh and while we're on the subject, you might not want to get too attached to ol' Angle either because her and Harry are locked in a tight one in the polls, and our lovely unhinged heroine of Teabags and Freedom needs plenty more cash to catch Sir Moneybags Harry Reid's campaign chest, which has raised ten times as much.

But don't despair! Perhaps Sharron could put those Betty Crocker hands of hers to work with a delicious fundraising bake sale, and maybe whip up another delectable batch of everyone's favorite, sinfully scrumptious lemon-flavored dessert treat.

Because nothing helps brings a smile to the face of an incestuous rape victim quite like Famous Angle's Zesty Lemon Squares or Sunny Morning Lemon Muffins!

Not even justice.

Harry Reid's Dirty, Sexy Thoughts On Republicans' Dirty, Sexy, Money

Frustrated over the excruciatingly slow, molasses-like pace of financial reform in the Senate, courtesy of the Grand Obstructionist Party's reluctance to so much as even open debate (it only took three separate tries!) or move forward in any way, shape, or form (progress is evil!), sweet talkin' senate majority leader "Dirty" Harry Reid blasted the trick-turnin' Republicans for refusing to stop whoring themselves out to the big pimpin' high rollers on Wall Street, like one of Spitzer's many favorite high-class call girls.

Citing weeks-long talks between top negotiators Chris Dodd (D-Conn.) and Richard Shelby (R-Ala.) going nowhere, as well as the not one, not two, but three procedural votes needed to even open debate, as evidence of the Republicans' reluctance to move forward on the legislation, Reid slammed the corner-hustling street walkers comprising the Republican Party.

Guess even a meek ol' Mormon like Harry has a breaking point.

"The Republicans are having difficulty determining how they're going to continue making love to Wall Street," Reid said. "It's obvious that they do not want to put any decent restrictions on what Wall Street has done or are doing."

And why, on God's Green (for now) Earth, would they either? No one knows how to give 'em the full body rubdown quite like the strong, able hands of Goldman Sachs and Credit Suisse (with their exotic oils and blends, and those smooth European hands!).

Besides, the only other hands with the sweet touch the GOP craves was already booked by minister George Alan Rekers, who needed some sweet man handlin' himself while off pretending to be straight in Europe and Bermuda, with the hot piece of man tail he hired on a gay escort service site.

But not everyone, especially those the comments were specifically directed at, appreciates the sexytime thoughts of an old Mormon senator from Nevada.

"Considering Nevada's unemployment stands at 13%, Senator Reid would be well-advised to get his mind off sex and onto getting America's economy back on track," National Republican Senatorial Committee Communications Director Brian Walsh said.

Like a certain responsible, lesbian-bondage club thumpin' RNC Chairman, Michael "Balls Of" Steele?

But Harry don't care 'bout what lies those greedy ho's be pushin' on the American peeps, and is standing (firmly) by his comments.

Asked for clarification, Reid's spokesman Jim Manley said, "What can I say? It's true. Republicans are making love to Wall Street while Main Street is getting screwed.”

Ooooh, sounds sexy!

Now, that's not completely fair. I mean, if Main Street didn't want it so bad, how come they're always begging for it, with their low-cut tank tops, and black, lace-up, f**k-me boots?

Ugh, those mom 'n pop sluts on Main Street!

Either way, a Republican-version of a new Wall Street reform bill was voted down 38-61 on Thursday, with two Republicans joining all 59 Democrats to blue-ball the GOP's so-called consumer-protection bill, which President Obama blasted as "worse than the status quo."

"I will not allow amendments like this one written by Wall Street's lobbyists to pass for reform," Obama said.

But, Deputy Treasury Secretary Neal Wolin called talk of a possible veto "premature."

No doubt, a criticism the Grand Old Party of impotent white men have heard on more than one occasion.

"We're just trying to make sure consumers have the tools and information to make sensible choices with their financial resources," said Sen. Jack Reed (D-R.I.). "But unfortunately, it appears the other side of the aisle wants to make it appear they are strengthening consumer protection when they are really not doing much but just enforcing the status quo."

You mean like pretending they're packing more than just a semi-automatic 9mm Glock in their pants?

"We're doing this to provide a more rational and constructive alternative to what our Democratic colleagues are trying to slip by the American people," Sen. Richard Shelby said.

Ummm, don't you mean slip in the American people, Senator?

"It will create a massive new bureaucracy whose power and autonomy has no current equivalent to anywhere in the federal government. It can do whatever it wants, whenever it wants without any supervision or real check on its authority."

Just how the GOP likes it!

Huge, rough, insatiable, unprotected, and forced to take whatever Big Daddy shoves in their gagged-and-bound, leather mask-covered face.

"Alternatives that gut consumer protections and do nothing to empower the American people by cracking down on unfair and predatory practices are unacceptable, and I urge the Senate to vote no on weakening consumer protections and instead stand with the American people," President Obama said.

Only if you get down on both knees and beg. But you might want to steer clear of the words "urge" and "predatory."

Otherwise, they could be (mis)construed as something waaaaaay different than Wall Street reform.

Like say a Republican donor meeting, or something perverted like that.

GOP Bands Together To Form Wall Of "No" To Preserve Their Favorite Wall Of "Ye$"

Oh No, Not Again!

New "bipartisan" financial legislation, supported by the vast majority of poor, hardworking losers like you and me, to help reign in Wall Street and put an end to not-at-all-selfish, bad-mortgage derivatives and other "fun" number games used by major banks to bet against their own investors, and screw over the rest of us Main Street schlubs, has been unanimously blocked by shrewd Republicans for the second straight day.

A very reasonable and politically tenable position, given the soaring popularity of massive, publicly bailed out banks, billionaire brokers, Wall Street fat cats, and big business these days, one that will likely lead to massive gains for the GOP in November's congressional elections.

Similar to the massive gains felt by most of the public, courtesy of Wall Street's very patriotic, likely illegal, get-rich-quick schemes to rake in billions in profits by duping the dumb American people out of their (now worthless) homes.

Hooray for Capitalism!

Of course, it makes perfect $ense for the Grand Old Party of rich, white men to block even simple debate on a publicly-popular bill to at least monitor said rich, white men because if that happens, how will they continue enabling some of Wall Street's most deviant practices (like robbing the poor and giving to the rich) in order to fatten their wallets and keep the campaign coffers stuffed to the brim with cold, hard corporate cash?

"The Senate voted 57-41 on a procedural measure allowing lawmakers to move toward debate on financial regulatory overhaul legislation, falling short of the 60 votes needed. All GOP senators present voted against invoking cloture, joined by at least one Democrat, Sen. Ben Nelson (D-NE)."

Hmmm, Ben Nelson. Sounds so familiar, where have I heard that name before?

Ohhhhh right! That Ben Nelson, the same insufferable pro-life fetus whore who also voted no on beginning the whole health care reform debate because he likes to see poor people suffer (so long as their not in Nebraska), and now has to keep up his esteemed image as a greedy, selfish, grumpy pants, (corn)flake, who must now do whatever the Republicans tell him ever since his notorious about-face, joining his fellow Democrats to vote in favor of affordable, quality health care, automatic death-by-shovel sentences for Granny and baby Trig, and mandatory abortions for every fifth Republican senator, forever.

Oh, the beauty of Democracy!

But despite failing to open debate on Wall Street reform for the second consecutive day, the rascally Democrats vowed to remain on the offensive, charging that the GOP's latest obstruction of even simple debate on the legislation, puts them squarely on the side of Wall Street and against the will of the people.

What, what, what!? Republicans against the will of the people?? Surely, you jest with such blasphemy!

Not this Dirty Harry, who, while speaking on the Senate floor, said the vote "reveals who believes we need to strengthen oversight of Wall Street, and who does not [and] forces each Senator to publicly proclaim whether party unity is more important than economic security."

And the problem with that is?

"The Senate is a body where we proceed to legislation and then offer amendments and then debate takes place," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said. "But the Republicans have set a new standard, and that is they want to negotiate. Negotiate—that is the new banner. I wonder when the end of the negotiation takes place?"

Ummm, when the Democrats stop being little pussies, too afraid of their own scary majority status, and the GOP stops being greedy a**holes?

In other words, never.

"They're claiming that only a fully negotiated and agreed-upon bill can come up for debate. That is absurd, stunning, unheard of. They want all the details to be worked out beforehand behind closed doors, not in the view of the public," Reid said. "That's unprecedented in the more than 200 years we've been a Senate."

Oh, Harry, you're not that old!

What's so hard to understand here, anyway? The GOP simply doesn't care for bills that are made "behind closed doors," "open doors," or "any doors," for that matter, when it has to do with health care reform, financial reform, or any positive, Democrat-led reform that actually tries to help the American people not get screwed more times than Bristol Palin at the Wasilla high school prom.

In the end, this all means nothing really, because no matter what, Republicans will continue to find some terrible reason, excuse, or worst case scenario, just make up some lies, about how there's no way, come hell or high water, the dirty, no-good Soviet DEMONcrats will ever pass this elitist, COMMIE legislation to regulate Wall Street, and ruin America on their watch.

Their platinum and gold, diamond encrusted, special edition Rolex watch, that is. A gift of gratitude from their very generous, very powerful, very FAT friends of the feline variety.

Sarah Palin Knows We Need Constitutional Shredders, Not Scholars, As President Of America

It is no secret the Tea Party movement and its loyal herb 'n spice obsessed 'baggers live, breathe, and procreate solely for the Constitution of the United States.

In fact, the teabaggers' undying affection for our nation's founding charter is soooooo strong, that the very constitution of their entire movement is strict adherence to and devoted worship of the original sacred document of freedom, the U.S. Constitution.

So, naturally, the weekend's Burning Man festival for disgruntled wingnuts in Harry Reid's hometown of Searchlight, Nevada was teeming with overweight, middle aged white men donning colonial garb and carrying signs, posters, and slogans expressing their deepest devotion to the only God they answer to, the 4,543-unamended-word document known as the Constitution.

Not to mention, all the homages, reverence, and idolization for the document they've never read (waaaay too long!) you'd expect from the freedom-fightin', public-speaking abortion and common sense holocaust known as one of Sarah Palin's keynote addresses to everyday, average American Joe's and Jane's dressed like 18th century revolutionaries complete with breeches, stockings, waistcoats, and three-cornered felt hats, while sipping cider and snacking on Johnnycake and molasses in the middle of some desert town in 21st century Nevada.

"Our vision for America is anchored in time-tested truths that the government that governs least governs best, that the Constitution provides the path to a more perfect union — it's the Constitution," Sarah exclaimed.

"By the way, it's within our own borders and homeland where we we should feel so safe and not condone...err...umm...any type of violence...it's within the homeland that we should feel safe and that makes me want to say:

In these volatile times when we are a nation at war, now more than ever is when we need a commander-in-chief, not a constitutional law professor lecturing us from a lectern.

WOOOOOHOOOO!! Yeah!!! Hear that NObama?? We don't need your stinkin', elitist knowledge of the Constitution to tell us what's actually in the Constitution and what is simply a figment of our deranged pea brains.

What America NEEDS is another semi-literate "MBA" President who doesn't know the difference between Constitution and Constipation to save us from this one-year Socialist hell, and lead the nation back into dual economic and international crises, like a true freedom-loving, teabagging patriot.

Just like our founding fathers intended.

Secret RNC FUNdraising PowerPoint Features Cool Cartoons, Contempt For Constituents

Ummm yeah, this is getting slightly awkward. I mean, it's one thing to accuse the GOP of employing their usual three-pronged strategy of lying, manipulating and deceiving their way into power. But, much like Obama's illegal takeover of America, without definitive proof like an actual Kenyan birth certificate, such suspicions are forced to remain just that: suspicions.

It is quite another, however, to actually find said playbook full of secret, evil GOP strategies that have been glaringly obvious to anyone with half a brain who's watched at least a half-second of any news coverage at any point in the last oh, half century or so. Minus the Cruella DeVille and Scooby Doo imagery, which in all fairness to the creative ingenuity of the GOP, had not been considered as effective political propaganda by average Americans. Until now, that is.

Yes, the holy grail of Republican fundraising has finally been unearthed--all 72 neat, colorful PowerPoint pages for your viewing pleasure, America. Hooray!

The Republican National Committee plans to raise money this election cycle through an aggressive campaign capitalizing on "fear" of President Barack Obama and a promise to "save the country from trending toward socialism."

The strategy was detailed in a confidential party fundraising presentation, obtained by POLITICO, which also outlines how "ego-driven" wealthy donors can be tapped with offers of access and "tchochkes."

Wow, OMG, did you know that you can entice wealthy businessmen and other elite, arugula eating wealthy types to cut you a handsome check for little more than promises of tacky trinkets and cheap souvenirs with a weird Eastern European name from the airport duty free shop?? It's true!

But that's not it folks!

The presentation explains the Republican fundraising in simple terms.

"What can you sell when you do not have the White House, the House, or the Senate...?" it asks.

The answer: "Save the country from trending toward Socialism!”

SOCIALISM, ARGGGHHHH!! Smithers, fetch me my checkbook at once! Don't dither! This Socialist beast Barry must be stopped before it's too late! ARGGGHHH!!

The presentation was delivered by RNC Finance Director Rob Bickhart to top donors and fundraisers at a party retreat in Boca Grande, Florida on February 18, a source at the gathering said.

In neat PowerPoint pages, it lifts the curtain on the often-cynical terms of political marketing, displaying an air of disdain for the party’s donors that is usually confined to the barroom conversations of political operatives.

In other words, the GOP would like to extend their deepest gratitude for your support, now get the hell out of their face before they call the police to come move it for you, got it, asshole?

Manipulating donors with crude caricatures and playing on their fears is hardly unique to Republicans or to the RNC – Democrats raised millions of George W. Bush in similar terms – but rarely is it practiced in such cartoonish terms.

One page, headed “The Evil Empire,” pictures Obama as the Joker from Batman, while House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leaders Harry Reid are depicted as Cruella DeVille and Scooby Doo, respectively.

Awww snap! The GOP ain't playing, yo! Straight up disrespectin' Cartoon Network style. For reals!

The most unusual section of the presentation is a set of six slides headed "RNC Marketing 101," which divides fundraising into two traditional categories, direct marketing and major donors, and lays out the details of how to approach each group.

The small donors who are the targets of direct marketing are described under the heading "Visceral Giving." Their motivations are listed as "fear," "Extreme negative feelings toward existing Administration," and "Reactionary."

Major donors, by contrast, are treated in a column headed "Calculated Giving." Their motivations include: "Peer to Peer Pressure," "access," and "Ego-Driven."

The slide also allows that donors may have more honorable motives, including "Patriotic Duty."

Hahaha, that's rich! People actually giving to the Republican Party out of the goodness of their heart?? HAHAHAHAHA, stop, I c-c-c-an't b-b-b-reathe!

Of course, such a terrible, manipulative fundraising document preying on people's baser instincts has absolutely NOTHING to do with big-pimpin' Michael Steele, who as Chairman of the Republican National Committee, has struggled to retain the "trust and allegiance of major donors," or the respect of well, basically anyone with a working brain, for that matter.

"The document was used for a fundraising presentation Chairman Steele did not attend, nor had he seen the document," RNC Communications Director Doug Heye said in an email. "Fundraising documents are often controversial..."

Much like off-the-hook, balls of Steele Chairmen.

"Obviously, the Chairman disagrees with the language and finds the use of such imagery to be unacceptable. It will not be used by the Republican National Committee – in any capacity – in the future," Heye said.

He promises. Cross his heart and hope to die promises! Like there will even be a future by the time Michael Steele gets done with 'em.

Besides, no need to get all worked up, the RNC was just "Putting the Fun Back in FUNdraising."

Like "Putting the Public back in RePUBLICan. Ha ha, psyche!

Everyone knows they're poor and gross.

Friendly Kentucky Sen. Jim Bunning Does Not Share Elevators With Freak Journalists

Legendary Kentucky-fried anger ball and ruthless pariah, Sen. Jim Bunning took his furious, red-faced jihad against poor people to the Hart Senate Office Building where he showed all the poise and tact of a rogue hippopotamus under duress when asked a simple question about his own rogue, one-man crusade against extending unemployment benefits to poor, pathetic Americans who can't even hold onto a job. Losers!

Asked by ABC News reporters to at least attempt to explain his bizarre, solo decision to block a bill aimed at alleviated the suffering of those hardest hit by the recession, Jim Bunning acted just they way you'd expect a washed-up MLB pitcher turned U.S. Senator to act if he was beaned in the head one too many times by one of his own legendary fastballs: totally insane.

Refusing to answer a single question about his one-man filibuster of a bill extending health and unemployment benefits to struggling Americans, like whether he gives two sh*ts about those losing their benefits as a result of his wise choice, Bunning instead chose the high road by giving reporters the silent treatment.

"I'm not talking to anybody," Bunning huffed then "walked toward the elevator and shot the middle finger over his head."

This is of course what normal elected officials to the world's greatest legislative body do when asked simple questions about their legislative actions.

They also have near mental breakdowns when members of the terrible mainstream media or other subhuman invaders try to weasel their way into fancy contraptions that move vertically to deliver very important people and/or cargo from one floor to another, all without having to take a step. Like magic!

Like when ABC correspondent Jon Karl dared go near the precious Hart Senate office building up-and-down contraption thingamajig Bunning was already occupying.

"Excuse me! This is a Senator's only elevator!"

Same for the sweet li'l lady thinking her tight behind and flowing blonde locks might help soften Jim Bunning's industrial grade steel heart.

"Excuse me!" he yelled. "I've got to go to the floor!"

That's where all the cranky old baseball pitchers go to spend their twilight years, making other people's lives as miserable as their own. It's practically a GOP tradition!

"My republican colleagues came to the floor and talked about process," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said. "They had a right to do that. Well, under the rules, I guess that's true, Mr. president. If you can't afford to feed your kids, that doesn't mean anything."

Nor apparently does being mentally stable enough to serve in the U.S. Senate, as Bunning was more than happy to demonstrate to the good folks who he continues to gleefully screw over in their darkest time of need.

It's like Sen. John Kerry explained, "as long as the GOP leadership continues with the scorched-earth campaign, it will be tough to get done the things we know we need to do."

Send Mr. Bunning to ye olde big elevator in the sky?

"We need this to end. Debate big differences. Disagree. Use the filibuster when big matters of principle hang in the balance - and sometimes they do. But at the end of the day, Washington has to function - people are counting on it," Kerry said.

"When it comes to unemployment insurance for workers who have been laid-off through no fault of their own, stop playing games immediately, allow a vote, and then get to work trying to solve some problems, not playing tricks with the Senate rules. The framers invested the minority with rights to protect the Senate - not to destroy it."

Lol. So true, what do you think Jim Bunning's there for? Comedic effect? His breathtaking beauty?

Or maybe they're just trying to fill their quota for deranged, racist, old white men with the necessary warrior heart and athletic prowess to throw wicked, two-seam fastballs at poor struggling Americans who can't even afford a variety bucket of the Colonel's original recipe.

High Five America!

Great Scott! Anything Can Happen When Brown Turns Blue...

Oh no, the end is near! Republican Great White Hope, one-time nude model, Scott Brown, who was supposed to ride his freedom truck to Washington, DC to save America from its socialist death slide, has instead voted with the tyrannical Democratic majority to destroy a Republican filibuster of the terrible, new $15 billion 'Jobs Bill' to bring the Bushwhacked economy back from the abyss.

Okay, so maybe we should have been slightly suspicious when he refused to wear clothes for that hoity-toity, elitist magazine cover, Cosmo something or other. But seriously Scott, aligning with the DEMONcrats on only your second Senate vote? For shame!

Is this what you think the good Teabaggers of Massachusetts had in mind when they trampled Teddy Kennedy's ol' bones, destroying decades of hard work and dedication in a revolutionary wave of racism and insanity, to ensure the rest of America doesn't have the kind of terrible, Socialist, government-run health care they currently enjoy?

I should certainly hope not!

But here we are, once again thisclose to condemning another one of evil Barry's awful bills to create jobs for Americans to slow death in filibuster hell (where it belongs), and this bleeding-heart hippie in Teabagger's clothes jumps ship, joining Democrats in order to move forward and allow actual debate on the bill. Gasp!

And as if that wasn't bad enough, four other alleged Republicans suddenly decided they too care about creating jobs for poor Americans who need them, even more than creating tax cuts for rich Americans who don't, and decided to join Brown over on the dark side called progress.

Republican turncoats, Sens. Susan Collins, Olympia Snowe, Kit Bond, and George Voinovich also bucked GOP leadership, instead siding with Democrats and rational thought, by giving Dems the 60 votes they needed to support the bill--and thus destroy everything we love about America, like unemployment, inflation, and rising costs of living.

But fear not Republicans, there's still plenty Brown can do for you! Especially when wearing a suit, refraining from inhaling the exhaust fumes from his truck, and flexing his brain instead of just his biceps.

In other words, when not forced to prove his conservative street cred to a bunch of morons named after the sexual act of choice of drunken frats and high school house parties, and dressed like Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Alexander Hamilton if they were about to shoot a Snapple ad, in order to win a special election against a piece of driftwood by the name of Martha.

I came to Washington to be an independent voice, to put politics aside, and to do everything in my power to help create jobs for Massachusetts families. This Senate jobs bill is not perfect. I wish the tax cuts were deeper and broader, but I voted for it because it contains measures that will help put people back to work.

Hopefully, the kind that requires clothing.

Democrats Yay, Republicans Nay On Merry Christmas Eve Day!

In the wee hours of morning, the Senate, err rather, the socialist Democratic Senate passed on a 60-39 party line vote a sweeping health care bill that will tighten insurance regulations, provide coverage for 31 million more Americans and cost $871 billion over the next decade.

"This is for my friend Ted Kennedy, aye," said Sen. Robert Byrd, who much to the dismay of Sen. Tom Coburn and heartbroken teabaggers countrywide, was able to stave off joining his old pal just long enough to roll his ol' bones down to the chamber to cast his vote with the rest of the meanie Dems who want to help insure Americans out of some weird, inexplicable desire to help people.

Then just for laughs and also delirium from lack of sleep, Master Harry Reid mistakenly voted no before changing his vote to yes, which caused quite a hoot in the chamber, especially from Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell.

Until it vanished without a trace, leaving only the tattered remnants of a frumpy sad sack minority leader with a history of bad judgment and a penchant for screwing the American people.

After the awkward vote, Reid joked, "I spent a very restless night last night trying to figure out how I could show some bipartisanship and I think I was able to accomplish that for a few minutes."

Yeah, cause now we all believe you don't want to shoot yourself in the face over that little faux pas. Thanks, totally not awkward now.

In case anyone cares or knows who the hell he is other than a washed-up MLB pitcher turned washed-up Kentucky Senator, Jim Bunning was absent for the vote. Not like he was voting for that unchristian piece of sh*t anyhow.

So with Vice President Joe Biden presiding over the session (presumably to make sure he was the only one f**king things up...ahem, Harry) to prove for the fourth time in as many days, that the Democrats could muster the necessary majority and stop being the kind of blubbering pansies that Dick Cheney gets off on.

Channeling Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid opened the floor saying, "The work goes on. The cause endures… and yet here we are, minutes away from doing what others have tried but none have achieved."

Republican leader Mitch McConnell responded, "This fight isn't over. My colleagues and I will work to stop this bill from becoming law. That's the clear will of the American people — and we're going to continue to fight on their behalf."

Umm, yeah about that...You've all been working so hard, why don't you boys go and take yourself a break. You've earned it! Get some rest. Spend some time with Grandma and the kids. Shoot some quails. Roast some chestnuts. Sip some eggnog. Tend the fire. Sing some good holiday cheer and thank the Lord Jesus for making you a real freedom-loving American unlike the sorry SOBs and miserable wretches who keep electing you to office.

Hahahaha all those pathetic povs, just one honey glazed ham bone away from death and/or bankruptcy.

But either way, Merry Christmas and God Bless America!

Divine Intervention (and Plenty of Pork) Keeps Health Care Reform From Being FiliBUSTED!

Are you there God? It's me, Harry

Please God, let Joe Lieberman be struck down by some terribly contagious rash that then makes its way into the brain of that insufferable pro-life fetus whore Ben Nelson so we can finally look like a legislative body capable of getting something accomplished other than giving Glenn Beck one more reason to have a hysterical breakdown and weep like a baby on national TV. Because I don't think anyone, myself included, wants to explain to dungeon master Nancy Pelosi why exactly we can't crack the whip like a certain lady speaker who shall remain nameless but isn't afraid to break out the big guns to bring the boys in line.

What's that you say, God? You offered that intolerable Nebraskan fellow a hearty chunk of pork (even though we all know your thoughts on that filthy animal) for his beloved home state and now he suddenly loves the health care bill even more than he loves unborn fetuses??

Wow, you really are all-powerful! To think you got a curmudgeon like Ben Nelson to sign on as the key 60th vote to stop a Republican filibuster and all it took was a nice slab o' swine for the Cornhuskers and a few tweaks to the ol' abortion language?

What's that, Lord? It was all in a day's work? And you already had plenty of clout with most congressmen (save for that one freak atheist socialist Bernie Sanders), not just the whole "I hate health care and womens' reproductive rights unless there's something in it for me" wing of the party? All you did was wave some porky perks and tasty abortion restrictions and Ben Nelson was suddenly putty in your hands?

Is there no limit to your awesomeness?

"I know this is hard for some of my colleagues to accept and I appreciate their right to disagree," said Nelson of the many changes made at his behest. "But I would not have voted for this bill without these provisions."

Hahaha, no wonder they call you God and not Harry Reid!

Joe Lieberman Wins His Millionth Consecutive Worst Person Award!

Seriously, I'm beginning to think the best public option for health care reform may be to kill Joe Lieberman and simply be done with the whole "Wah Wah nobody likes me because I'm a dishonest, deceitful, conniving, backstabbing, boring old fuddyduddy who sucks the oxygen from every room" routine. Because, quite frankly, it's getting a bit stale.

But the will of millions of Americans, and the 59 Democratic senators working hard to get something done other than desperately trying to get that chocolate-hued President tossed out on his behind, means nothing to ol' Joe! Nor does going back on his pledge to support the Medicare buy-in proposal HE insisted replace the so-called "public option" for no reason except the sheer enjoyment he gets from personally destroying other peoples' happiness.

It's just Joe's style.

From Talking Points Memo:

In a move that senior leadership aides say has left them stunned, Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) has told Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) that he will filibuster a tentative public option compromise unless it's stripped of its key component: a measure that would allow people aged 55-64 to buy insurance through Medicare.

The development casts substantial doubt on whether or not a health care reform bill can pass in the Senate, and even more doubt on whether a bill that does pass the Senate will be reconcilable with substantially more progressive House legislation in such a way that a final reform package can once again pass in both chambers of Congress.

Ummm yeah that's usually what happens when the key 60th vote suddenly decides he now absolutely despises and will have nothing to do with the very Medicare buy-in proposal HE SUPPORTED THREE MONTHS AGO simply because, well, it pains him terribly to do anything to help anyone except himself. Ever.

So, now the question becomes how will the White House and an enraged Harry Reid respond to the latest slap-in-the-face by professional turncoat Joe Lieberman? Shall they bring the smackdown and get his wayward ass back in line by threatening to strip him of his beloved chairmanships or continue the whole "Munich" approach since it worked so well with Hitler and all?

The White House is encouraging Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) to cut a deal with Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-Conn.) and eliminate the proposed Medicare expansion in the health reform bill, according to an official close to the negotiations.

But Reid is described as so frustrated with Lieberman that he is not ready to sacrifice a key element of the health care bill, and first wants to see the Congressional Budget Office cost analysis of the Medicare buy-in. The analysis is expected early this week.

“There is a weariness and a lot of frustration that one person is holding up the will of 59 others,” the official said. “There is still too much anger and confusion at one particular senator’s reversal.”

Which is why a really great idea would be to now change the bill, or at least get rid of the latest addition Joe insisted upon but now can't stand in order to appease the old coot until he comes up with the next pretend reason why he must ruin everything. For everyone. Again.

But hey, don't blame Joe. He's just doing what he does best!

After Monday evening's meeting with the White House to discuss how to proceed, Sen. Evan Bayh, a moderate Democrat, said, "To use an old cliche, the general consensus was we shouldn't make the perfect the enemy of the good."

Of course not! We should make the asshole its best friend instead.

Dirty Harry to Outraged Republicans: Go Ahead, Make My Day!

For such a frail man, Senate Majority Leader and good-natured Mormon Harry "Mason" Reid sure manages to cause quite a stir. Especially when it comes to pissing off Republicans by saying things that are actually rooted in fact and reality and not just a figment of imagination from some teabagger's twisted mind.

Instead of joining us on the right side of history, all the Republicans can come up with is this:, 'slow down, stop everything, let's start over.' If you think you've heard these same excuses before, you're right. When this country belatedly recognized the wrongs of slavery, there were those who dug in their heels and said, 'Slow down, it's too early, let's wait, things aren't bad enough.'

When women spoke up for the right to speak up, they wanted to vote, some insisted they simply, slow down, there will be a better day to do that, today isn't quite right.

When this body was on the verge of guaranteeing equal civil rights to everyone regardless of the color of their skin, some senators resorted to the same filibuster threats we hear today.

Turns out Harry is one tough li'l Mormon. Not only will he not apologize for his comments likening Republicans' attempts to kill health care reform to the same obstructive tactics used to prolong slavery and stall womens' suffrage and civil rights, he doesn't even believe the GOP is mad at all, calling the Republicans' puffy, red-faced indignation nothing more than manufactured outrage not worth a second of his time.

It is hard to believe Senate Republicans are making these charges with a straight face.

For the past eight days they've done nothing but obstruct health care on the Senate floor and throughout this year have played politics with this and virtually every other issue of importance to the American people.

Today's feigned outrage is nothing but a ploy to distract from the fact they have no plan to lower the cost of health care, stop insurance company abuses or protect Medicare.

And for those who are counting, Republicans have now held one press conference on manufactured anger and have issued one manual on how to grind the Senate to a halt but have held zero press conferences and issued zero plans on how to help Americans afford to live a healthy life.

How dare you suggest the Republicans care more about stopping NObama and the terrible Democrats in charge than providing affordable health insurance to all Americans?

Have they not proved their sincerity and dedication by calling Obama Hitler, waving Nazi signs, spreading death panel and dead grandma rumors, and circulating memos about the best way to grind the health care debate to a halt, with the extra bonus of impeding any and all progress just 'cause they like being bastards?

Of course, always dignified Republicans were naturally very upset over such meany words. From the esteemed Senate Majority Leader no less!

Sen. John Thune called the remarks "inflammatory and irresponsible," Sen. Tom Coburn was "personally offended," and Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison said there's "no place for language like that."

Has Harry no decency?

But then again I guess it's not surprising coming from the party that duped the American people into electing a secret Muslim terrorist who may or may not be a natural born citizen of this great country as President of the United States of Socialism.

RNC Committee chairman Michael Steele said the comments were "absurd and offensive" and demanded an apology.

"This is inexcusable, deeply insulting and an arrogant abuse of the Democrat party's unchecked power in Congress," Steele said in a statement. He also called for Democrats to re-evaluate Reid's "fitness to lead."

Which is always convincing coming from the pinnacle of mental clarity and stability, off-the-hook cow-on-the-tracks, Michael Steele.

Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-Ga) couldn't agree more. "They are so desperate that it is unbelievable. And for Senator Reid to go out this morning and make such an outlandish statement like he made, just is another indication of the desperation that the Democrats are showing and the pressure that they're feeling."

It sure is! If there's one thing the Republicans know for sure it is that everyone hates a party but loves a party pooper.

Or is it the other way around?

Hmmm, I guess such small details don't matter when you're totally irrelevant!

Joe Lieberman See's Opportunity To Fulfill His Destiny As Biggest Buzzkill Ever

America's most boring, backstabbing, rat pariah Senator Joe Lieberman woke up this morning only to realize it was late October and he hadn't filled his "What can I do to piss everyone off?" quota for the month.

This made him very upset. So upset in fact that he was forced to quicken his slow, lumbering gait and hurry his droopy self over to reporters to hastily explain his reasons for wanting to screw up the whole health care reform thing. Perhaps a troubled childhood? Or maybe he's just jealous of that Harry Reid fellow for also being boring, old and annoying, yet oddly likable or at least compared to sniveling, self-serving frauds like himself.

"I told Senator Reid that I’m strongly inclined–I haven’t totally decided, but I’m strongly inclined–to vote to proceed to the health care debate, even though I don’t support the bill that he’s bringing together because it’s important that we start the debate on health care reform because I want to vote for health care reform this year. But I also told him that if the bill remains what it is now, I will not be able to support a cloture motion before final passage. Therefore I will try to stop the passage of the bill."

Of course, this man of honor (and the magic #60 for Democrats in a cloture vote) would totally side with Republicans to filibuster any health reform bill he doesn't agree with because that's basically what Democrat-turned-Independent-turned outcast congressional nuisances do when they aren't getting enough attention.

"I think a lot of people may think that the public option is free. It’s not. It’s going to cost the taxpayers and people who have health insurance now, and if it doesn’t it’s going to add terribly to the national debt…there’s so much in this health reform legislation that is so good, that I think they’re just putting an unnecessary burden on top of it by creating another Washington-based entitlement program."

Oh, Joe, Joe Joe! Just because you're still bitter about being embarrassed in the 2006 Democratic primary and having to switch parties (because no one likes you) doesn't mean you have to ruin everything and sell your soul all so some sketchy corporation continues to fund your pathetic campaign to desperately cling to power.

You may be a lot of things (whiny, petty, and mind-blowingly dull), but we all know you're not stupid. Or at least not in the Sarah Palin kind of way, which means you know very well the public option wouldn't be a government-funded entitlement for free health care like you claim, but a self-sufficient program financed by premiums and unable to draw on federal funds, with the whole concept being the opposite of difficult to understand and all.

Never mind the fact his statements are at great odds with the findings of most experts, who say that by lowering the government's subsidy burden, a public option will actually save money. Joe pays no mind to annoying trivialities like facts and truth.

Think about it. How else would he continue his impressive streak as the hands-down winner of the people's choice awards for douchiest senator ever? I mean you don't get to be the greatest mistake the public ever made for nothing!

Hammer Time With Harry Reid: Public Option, Can't Touch This!

That other Mormon politician not named Mittens, frail Senate majority leader Harry Reid is getting ready to unveil his health care proposal this afternoon, despite urging from the White House and Nancy Pelosi to kindly disappear in the Nevada desert and keep his dirty paws to himself or risk getting the sh*t slapped out of him by a certain Madame Speaker.

But Harry has never been one to listen to others, especially in the form of advice from the President or dismal approval numbers in every public opinion poll, which is why he will announce plans to push ahead with a public option vote--one that includes an opt-out provision for states--since he's spent the entire weekend begging members to pretty please support his measure cause he really doesn't want to get sent back to that Nevada hell he came from, a sad, broken man.

But the White House is nervous that this wisp of a Senate leader may imperil their chances of a bipartisan health care bill by alienating some Snow(e) woman from Maine and the one Republican whose idea of health care reform isn't limited to euthanizing Obama.

"In case the White House hasn't noticed, Republicans in Congress are engaged in what amounts to a sitdown strike. They don't like anything about Obama or his policies; they have no interest in seeing him succeed," Newsweek's Howard Fineman writes. "Despite the occasional protestation to the contrary, the GOP has no intention of helping him pass any legislation. Snowe may very well end up voting for whatever she and Democrats craft, but that won't make the outcome bipartisan any more than dancing shoes made Tom DeLay Fred Astaire...Worse, the pursuit of Snowe isn't uniting Democrats; it is dividing them."

Yes, but at least the Dems have secured their own Ginger Rogers to help dance their health care reform through Congress, even if it ends up injured, limping and breathing on a respirator. Anything's better than Tom DeLay in sparkly tights and a unitard.

Fineman continues that "some form of a public option is favored not only by most Democrats in Congress but by most of the American people. If Obama and the Democrats really want such a plan, they may as well try to get tough. For inspiration, the president might consider a Longfellow poem: "'In this world, a man must either be an anvil or a hammer.'"

Otherwise, we all get screwed.

Luckily, this 70-year-old convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is just the man for the job. They don't call him Harry "Mason" Reid for nothing.