Hooray! America's Downfall Is Officially Postponed As House Passes Awful Debt Deal Everyone Hates

Rejoice, my fellow Americans, the Debtpocalypsegeddon is almost over! America is back on top (of its flaming pile of unpaid bills, bounced checks, borrowed loans, crumpled receipts, IOUs, and angry post-it threats from China!) Woohoo! USA#1! USA#1! USA#1!

After weeks of alternately fucking with, psyching out, and pissing off President Obama by acting like a bunch of rabid, syphilis-ravaged meth head vampires, Republicans and Democrats in congress finally reached a debt deal, avoiding turning America into one big deadbeat dad like Tea Party House freshman scumbag Joe Walsh currently representing the 8th district of Illinois, not his $117,437 financial (or paternal) obligation to his three lazy, good-for-nothing school-age children. Get a job, junior!

Oohoh, but what sort of awesome "party favors" will the American people take home from this weeks-long, non-stop Boehnerific congressional coke-n-hookers-n-corporate-loopholes Teabagger rage fest?

Umm, how about $2.4 trillion in spending cuts with no guaranteed revenue raisers, but a coupon for a free bag of pork rinds instead? Okay? Okay!

“The result would be the lowest level of annual domestic spending since Dwight Eisenhower was president,” Obama explained.

Yay! So does that mean a return to Eisenhower-level taxes for the richest 1% of the population?

No, don't be silly! Democrats volunteered their balls to be cut off, dipped in delicious beer batter, fried to golden perfection and served to the hungry Republicans working round-the-clock to destroy any semblance left of this God-awful, 235-year-old experiment in Representative Democracy, formerly known as the United States of America.

Okay, what else?

America gets another bipartisan debt commission that everyone will ignore because they get one of those every year.

But that's not all!

The American people are also the lucky recipients of the horribly dangerous and reckless Teabagger tactics of holding the country hostage, as well as the failed "one party says this, the other party says that" media  machine that treats Fox News as Journalism and crazy people like human beings.

Hooray!

So congrats America! For all your hard work and dedication to electing some of the worst human beings in history to steer the country, your reward is a little note that says, “the global economy will not collapse tomorrow, you’re welcome.”

Pending final passage, the agreement marked a dramatic reach across party lines that played out over six months and several rounds of negotiating, interspersed by periods of intense partisanship.
“Sometimes it seems our two sides disagree on almost everything,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said in floor remarks.
“But in the end, reasonable people were able to agree on this: The United States could not take the chance of defaulting on our debt, risking a United States financial collapse and a world-wide depression.”

Silly people! Think about all the money they just left on the table in prozac sales alone. Actually don't. It's kind of depressing.

According to a new Washington Post/Pew Research poll: 

Americans give overwhelmingly negative reviews to the fierce budget debate that has transfixed Washington over the past few weeks, and large numbers now think less favorably about the country’s political leaders.
Asked for single-word characterizations of the budget negotiations, the top words in the poll — conducted in the days before an apparent deal was struck — were “ridiculous,” “disgusting” and “stupid.” Overall, nearly three-quarters of Americans offered a negative word; just 2 percent had anything nice to say.
“Ridiculous” was the most frequently mentioned word among Democrats, Republicans and independents alike.

While the word ridiculous was commonest among both Democrats and Republicans, the most frequent word used by Tea Party Republicans was "Niggardly," followed closely by "huh?"

"If I were a Republican, this is a night to party," said Democratic Rep. Emanuel Cleaver, who bashed the new-fangled bipartisan deal as a "sugar-coated Satan sandwich."

Which come to think of it, pairs perfectly with a nice pipin' hot mug of tea.

"The Democratic Party, no less than the Republican Party, is at a very serious crossroads at this moment...This deal weakens the Democratic Party as badly as it weakens the country," Arizona Democrat Rep. Raul Grijalva said. "We have given much and received nothing in return. The lesson today is that Republicans can hold their breath long enough to get what they want."

The end of civilization as we know it?

Lord knows, they'll drink to that!

What Do You Call A Massive Boehner Who Laughs At The Total Collapse Of Our Economy? Speaker Of The House, Of Course!

It's Monday in America, meaning it's a brand new week for the very mature adults in Congress to flitter about like special needs schoolchildren, while our nation teeters towards the brink of catastrophic self-induced collapse.

Hooray!?

Of course, being the mature, weeping, unnaturally orange-tinted Republican House Speaker that he is, John Boehner has naturally decided to stop speaking to anyone and everyone and write his own terrible debt plan instead.

Conversely, boring, normal flesh-colored Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has also decided to stop talking to everyone and opted to craft his very own $2.7 trillion deficit reduction plan, too. So there!

The good news is that both plans do effectively raise the debt limit on or before August 2, avoiding a catastrophic default and turning America into one great big deadbeat dad who refuses to pay child support, so he can watch the game on his new flat screen teevee and drown his sorrows in 40oz of whatever kind of beer it is they package in troughs and sell to poor people wearing wife beaters in the middle of the day.

In fact, the only major difference is whether the debt limit should be raised all the way into 2013, or whether Congress should redo this entire hellish debate again early next year to force Democrats and Republicans to pass entitlement and tax reforms because total dysfunction and the possible financial meltdown of America is one helluva good time! Amiright??

The bad news, however, is that each side is expected to reject the other's plan and we'll continue to be royally fucked, which is pretty much what happens when a bunch of immature asshats are put in positions of power and tasked with handling very important issues.

TPM reports:

Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Reid said Boehner's plan can't pass the Senate and even if it could Obama would veto it.

"The Republicans' short-term plan is a non-starter in the Senate and in the White House," Reid said. Schumer called Reid's plan a fair compromise. "At this point there is no alternative other than default, and no basis for Republicans rejecting the proposal other than that they want a default," Schumer added. 

Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, Chuck! Don't put words into their mouths! It's not the economy they're desperately trying to gut like a fish and plunge down a filthy, slimy chute into the toilet. It's the president, silly!

What is so hard to understand here, people??

According to Politico:

A day after breathless news reports that a deal was imminent, John Boehner jokingly told his conference that he had reached a sweeping agreement with President Barack Obama to slash trillions of dollars in government spending.

“I’m just kidding,” he added, drawing a laugh from rank-and-file Republicans, according to those in the room.

Oh, hahahahahaha! Since everyone, or at least that one huge Boehner, looooooves jokes so much, here's one: Republicans are NOT going to crash our economy, destroy our credit rating, and cost us trillions in extra interest on the national debt.

Just kidding!

They'll just fire more teachers and tell more old people to go to hell.

Ya know, compromise!