John Boehner's Brain's Been So Fried From Barry's Star Power, He Doesn't Even Feel The Need To Try Anymore!

Oh look, 24 hours have passed since terrible Democrats voted in favor of financial reform, which means glowing orange House Minority Leader John Boehner should have endorsed some new, untenable policy in bad faith, umm, about twenty minutes ago at least!

And like the total boner he is, he did not disappoint. His brilliant idea, this time coming in the form of a moratorium on all new federal regulations for an entire year, for reals.

Here's how it all went down:

Earlier this week, the Senate voted 60-39 to pass Congress’s financial regulatory reform bill, which Obama will likely sign into law next week. The bill, which is a response to the economic crisis started in 2008, largely thanks to the bad behavior by the world's most powerful financial institutions, provides new safeguards and consumer protections so as to help the American public avoid once again being screwed over and thrust into destitution by said financial institutions.

So John Boehner did what any desperate Grand Old Puppet of Big Business/Wall Street would do and held an emergency meeting with business and trade lobbyists asking them what they would like him, their humble House minority servant, to do.

After emerging from this fab little session with fellow fab fashionista, fuchsia wearing Illinois Republican Aaron Schock and his homely, heterosexual, less fashionable compatriot Peter Roksam, John Boehner could hardly wait to tell the whole world "his" great idea to enact a moratorium on new federal regulations for a year, just like the lobbyists told him to do for like freedom 'n stuff. Apparently, they don't much care for NObama's terrible Socialist policies preventing them from continuing their thriving business of finding new and creative ways to screw the American people out of their hard-earned money, and if all goes well, their foreclosed homes, too. Yay!

House Minority Leader John A. Boehner on Friday endorsed a one-year moratorium on almost all new federal regulations, an idea he said would create jobs by ending uncertainty among businesses fearful of new federal mandates.

Boehner made the suggestion in the Capitol after a 90-minute session with a group of business leaders gathered as part of America Speaking Out, the House Republicans' effort to solicit ideas across the country for a fall campaign platform.

One of the participants at the roundtable raised the idea and Boehner said afterward, "Having a moratorium on new federal regulations is a great idea. It sends a wonderful signal to the private sector that they'll have some breathing room."

Phew! Because all these rules and regulations by lame-o NObama, protecting dumb schmucks like me and you, were really starting to make them feel all claustrophobic, almost as if they were no longer allowed to cause housing meltdowns, stock market collapses, or anything fun and reckless anymore. Nada!

Ugh, when will Barry the Terrible end his all-out war on all businesses everywhere, until our once-shining pillar of unbridled Capitalism has been completely pulverized, and is nothing but a skyscraper-less, sustenance based shadow of its former self?

Why can't we have more fearless, UV fried frauds of freedom like Major Boner to come up with awesome ant metaphors and hold secret lobbyist meetings to help protect the poor, poor investment bankers and oil conglomerates from having to pay so much as one measly penny for callously destroying an entire economy and ecosystem, respectively?

Thanks goodness, at least someone has the tangelos big enough to stand up and demand this terrible, consumer protecting legislation be repealed, this time even before it has actually been signed into law, which is like even better!

Ladies and gents, I give you House Minority Tanning Bed Salesman, John Boehner:

"I think it ought to be repealed. There are common sense things that you should do to plug the holes in the regulatory system that were there, and to bring more transparency to financial transactions, because transparency is like sunlight. Sunlight is the best disinfectant."

Oh warm, delicious, radiant sunlight! It is also like beautiful oxygen, and the ultimate panacea for all the world's ills including pasty white politicians with no spine and no principles, whose passion for delicious artificial, electrically-generated pigment darkening, cancer causing ultraviolet rays is matched only by his zealous commitment to showering even more toxic, cancerous policies all over the American people.

Because the only thing worse than getting burned by the Sun is getting burned by a sun-scorched Boner that's been cooked so many times, it's one Solar 3000 session from being sliced up, seasoned, and served with a side of dipping sauce, at the congressional cafeteria.

Mmmmm, a much tastier and more sensible use of the over-cooked, bone dry, orange-tinged, special slab of Grade-A meat.

The House's choicest cut!

The True Colors Of Massachusetts' Favorite Nudie Model $enator Scott "Birthday Suit" Brown

After holding up financial regulatory reform several times to umm, help make the bill more big-bank friendly and less common-citizen friendly like a good, real Republican, Scott Brown, the former Cosmo cover model turned faux teabagger turned Massachusetts Senator has finally agreed to stop being such a Grand Old Prick, and support the darn bill, instead of riding his big, oil guzzling pick up truck all over it for like the Constitution 'n stuff.

Which is great news!! Because now the bill's passage seems likely, or at least until the next big, Brown-like A-hole starts disingenuously whining about how beautiful business will suffer under the brutish hands of big, bad government, and the whole thing collapses once again.

Just like our nation's economy!

So, after taking his sweet behind time deciding whether it makes more sen$e for him to join the gross DEMONcrats to support a Wall Street reform bill (and risk biting the very hand that feeds him!) or stick with his own good-for-nothing, Grand Obstructionist Party and let the fat cats on Wall Street continue running roughshod all over the dumb schmucks on Main Street, Scott Brown has finally decided to do the right thing, and pretend to help his other, non-corpulent feline friends for a change, moving Democrats closer to the 60 votes they need to block another delightfully fun Republican filibuster for freedom.

Hooray!?

I've spent the past week reviewing the Wall Street reform bill. I appreciate the efforts to improve the bill, especially the removal of the $19 billion bank tax. As a result, it is a better bill than it was when this whole process started. While it isn't perfect, I expect to support the bill when it comes up for a vote. It includes safeguards to help prevent another financial meltdown, ensures that consumers are protected, and it is paid for without new taxes. That doesn't mean our work is done. Further reforms are still needed to address the government's role in the financial crisis, including significant changes to the way Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac operate.

But the best news is that thanks to my changes, it doesn't really safeguard anyone anymore, except of course the only ones who matter: my hot cosmo self and my corporate cronies' cash flow.

Bottom line is I've done my job vacillating back and forth, stalling the bill's passage until after the July 4 recess to make Democrats look even more pathetic & incompetent (trust me, they're quite capable on their own!), not to mention stripping (reminds me of my young bachelor days!) the legislation of all its consumer-protecting strength like a real freedom-fighting, Grand Old Patriot of the all-mighty greenback. Dolla dolla bills ya'll!

But why the sudden change of heart from Mr. Nudie Heartbreaker himself?

Perhaps the Democrats dangled a cookie in front of Scott, ya know, something to really entice him to join the dark side, and vote on behalf of actually regulating the mammoth industry that helped cause the crisis, while at the same time continues to profit off the fiscal misery by duping the dumb public into believing that Republicans actually give one red cent about them, or their foreclosed home.

Something really tempting, like promising his daughter a slot on America's Next Top Model, or if he gets the urge to bare all in another beautiful birthday suit photo, maybe even him too. Like a special father-daughter spread or something super sweet like that.

What can Brown do for you? Other than show his true chameleon-like colors by being too yellow to stand up to glowing orange minority leaders and the rest of the pale white Republican patriots, and continue blue-balling the Dems' finance bill to keep struggling Americans in the red, so long as the poor, poor banks finally get back into the black, all to protect his favoritest, most beautiful shade in the whole wide world. No, not nude, silly! His other favoritest color in the all the world, freshly minted green, baby!

Tastes so delicious and refreshing, it's well worth the bitter taste it leaves behind. But hey, at least it's something to put in your mouth, since affording actual food isn't really an option.

On the bright side, there's probably enough for one of Scott's namesake brown bags, though.

Because the only thing better than a free lunch is the illusion of one.

GOP Bands Together To Form Wall Of "No" To Preserve Their Favorite Wall Of "Ye$"

Oh No, Not Again!

New "bipartisan" financial legislation, supported by the vast majority of poor, hardworking losers like you and me, to help reign in Wall Street and put an end to not-at-all-selfish, bad-mortgage derivatives and other "fun" number games used by major banks to bet against their own investors, and screw over the rest of us Main Street schlubs, has been unanimously blocked by shrewd Republicans for the second straight day.

A very reasonable and politically tenable position, given the soaring popularity of massive, publicly bailed out banks, billionaire brokers, Wall Street fat cats, and big business these days, one that will likely lead to massive gains for the GOP in November's congressional elections.

Similar to the massive gains felt by most of the public, courtesy of Wall Street's very patriotic, likely illegal, get-rich-quick schemes to rake in billions in profits by duping the dumb American people out of their (now worthless) homes.

Hooray for Capitalism!

Of course, it makes perfect $ense for the Grand Old Party of rich, white men to block even simple debate on a publicly-popular bill to at least monitor said rich, white men because if that happens, how will they continue enabling some of Wall Street's most deviant practices (like robbing the poor and giving to the rich) in order to fatten their wallets and keep the campaign coffers stuffed to the brim with cold, hard corporate cash?

"The Senate voted 57-41 on a procedural measure allowing lawmakers to move toward debate on financial regulatory overhaul legislation, falling short of the 60 votes needed. All GOP senators present voted against invoking cloture, joined by at least one Democrat, Sen. Ben Nelson (D-NE)."

Hmmm, Ben Nelson. Sounds so familiar, where have I heard that name before?

Ohhhhh right! That Ben Nelson, the same insufferable pro-life fetus whore who also voted no on beginning the whole health care reform debate because he likes to see poor people suffer (so long as their not in Nebraska), and now has to keep up his esteemed image as a greedy, selfish, grumpy pants, (corn)flake, who must now do whatever the Republicans tell him ever since his notorious about-face, joining his fellow Democrats to vote in favor of affordable, quality health care, automatic death-by-shovel sentences for Granny and baby Trig, and mandatory abortions for every fifth Republican senator, forever.

Oh, the beauty of Democracy!

But despite failing to open debate on Wall Street reform for the second consecutive day, the rascally Democrats vowed to remain on the offensive, charging that the GOP's latest obstruction of even simple debate on the legislation, puts them squarely on the side of Wall Street and against the will of the people.

What, what, what!? Republicans against the will of the people?? Surely, you jest with such blasphemy!

Not this Dirty Harry, who, while speaking on the Senate floor, said the vote "reveals who believes we need to strengthen oversight of Wall Street, and who does not [and] forces each Senator to publicly proclaim whether party unity is more important than economic security."

And the problem with that is?

"The Senate is a body where we proceed to legislation and then offer amendments and then debate takes place," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said. "But the Republicans have set a new standard, and that is they want to negotiate. Negotiate—that is the new banner. I wonder when the end of the negotiation takes place?"

Ummm, when the Democrats stop being little pussies, too afraid of their own scary majority status, and the GOP stops being greedy a**holes?

In other words, never.

"They're claiming that only a fully negotiated and agreed-upon bill can come up for debate. That is absurd, stunning, unheard of. They want all the details to be worked out beforehand behind closed doors, not in the view of the public," Reid said. "That's unprecedented in the more than 200 years we've been a Senate."

Oh, Harry, you're not that old!

What's so hard to understand here, anyway? The GOP simply doesn't care for bills that are made "behind closed doors," "open doors," or "any doors," for that matter, when it has to do with health care reform, financial reform, or any positive, Democrat-led reform that actually tries to help the American people not get screwed more times than Bristol Palin at the Wasilla high school prom.

In the end, this all means nothing really, because no matter what, Republicans will continue to find some terrible reason, excuse, or worst case scenario, just make up some lies, about how there's no way, come hell or high water, the dirty, no-good Soviet DEMONcrats will ever pass this elitist, COMMIE legislation to regulate Wall Street, and ruin America on their watch.

Their platinum and gold, diamond encrusted, special edition Rolex watch, that is. A gift of gratitude from their very generous, very powerful, very FAT friends of the feline variety.