Democrats Violate Obama's Personal Space As He Signs Away Wall Street's Ability To Dupe The Dumb Public Whenever They Want...For Freedom!

Democratic congressional leaders happily hover around President Barack Obama as he signs the Dodd-Frank financial regulatory reform bill, giving the big, bad government sweeping oversight powers to regulate just how much Big Business/Wall Street is allowed to screw over dumb, everyday schmucks like you and me. Which, as it turns out, is not so much anymore! Hooray!

The bill, a hard-earned culmination of two years of fierce lobbying and intense debate over how to deal (or if you're a Republican, how NOT to deal) with the financial excesses and terrible hands-off policies that thrust the nation into the worst recession since the Great Depression, is another huge legislative victory for Barry the Terrible, and another devastating loss for the Grand Obstructionist Patriots who would love nothing more than to watch the dumb, suffering public stay poor, unemployed, and homeless for another four years, at least!

During the exciting White House signing ceremony, President Obama hailed the new legislation as a enormous victory for consumer protections and Wall Street accountability, and major step towards a sensible financial system that doesn't prey on the least fortunate, while rewarding those who urinate in diamond-encrusted gold toilets by spearheading one of the worst financial collapses in recent memory (except for maybe, John McCain of course!).

“These reforms represent the strongest consumer financial protections in history. Because of this law, the American people will never again be asked to foot the bill for Wall Street’s mistakes," President Obama said. "There will be no more taxpayer-funded bailouts. Period.”

“If you’ve ever applied for a credit card, a student loan, or a mortgage, you know the feeling of signing your name to pages of barely understandable fine print. But what often happens as a result, is that many Americans are caught by hidden fees and penalties, or saddled with loans they can’t afford.”

He said the law would crack down on abusive practices in the mortgage industry, simplifying contracts and ending hidden fees and penalties, “so folks know what they’re signing.”

Ugh, then how will Morgan Stanley and Bear Stearns be able to hand out billion dollar bonuses courtesy of the dumb (now homeless) taxpayers, as a well-earned reward for all their hard work concocting various get-rich-quick-by-destroying-an-entire-economy-schemes??

Minds so white hot with scintillating brilliance, they even managed to melt an entire housing market. Wizards, I tell ya!

Let's just hope Cosmo model Scott Brown gets his usual cold feet and starts prattling on about hostile business climates, not spooking investors, and not $crewing over the nice men and women responsible for his wild oil-guzzling ride to Washington, and decides to rip that pen out of NObama's Socialist hands mid-stroke.

Oh no-zees! Guess that's not going to happen! NObama even gave those three traitors a collective shout-out—including Bangor Sisters Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe of Maine, and Scott Brown of nudie centerfolds—for breaking with their party to approve the bill, saying that they “put partisanship aside, judged the bill on the merits, and voted for reform.”

God damn those selfish bastards! Now, who's gonna get rich off the misfortunes of others? Who, I ask you, who?

No one!?!?!

Ugh, America is as good as dead.

Just like your portfolio.

The True Colors Of Massachusetts' Favorite Nudie Model $enator Scott "Birthday Suit" Brown

After holding up financial regulatory reform several times to umm, help make the bill more big-bank friendly and less common-citizen friendly like a good, real Republican, Scott Brown, the former Cosmo cover model turned faux teabagger turned Massachusetts Senator has finally agreed to stop being such a Grand Old Prick, and support the darn bill, instead of riding his big, oil guzzling pick up truck all over it for like the Constitution 'n stuff.

Which is great news!! Because now the bill's passage seems likely, or at least until the next big, Brown-like A-hole starts disingenuously whining about how beautiful business will suffer under the brutish hands of big, bad government, and the whole thing collapses once again.

Just like our nation's economy!

So, after taking his sweet behind time deciding whether it makes more sen$e for him to join the gross DEMONcrats to support a Wall Street reform bill (and risk biting the very hand that feeds him!) or stick with his own good-for-nothing, Grand Obstructionist Party and let the fat cats on Wall Street continue running roughshod all over the dumb schmucks on Main Street, Scott Brown has finally decided to do the right thing, and pretend to help his other, non-corpulent feline friends for a change, moving Democrats closer to the 60 votes they need to block another delightfully fun Republican filibuster for freedom.

Hooray!?

I've spent the past week reviewing the Wall Street reform bill. I appreciate the efforts to improve the bill, especially the removal of the $19 billion bank tax. As a result, it is a better bill than it was when this whole process started. While it isn't perfect, I expect to support the bill when it comes up for a vote. It includes safeguards to help prevent another financial meltdown, ensures that consumers are protected, and it is paid for without new taxes. That doesn't mean our work is done. Further reforms are still needed to address the government's role in the financial crisis, including significant changes to the way Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac operate.

But the best news is that thanks to my changes, it doesn't really safeguard anyone anymore, except of course the only ones who matter: my hot cosmo self and my corporate cronies' cash flow.

Bottom line is I've done my job vacillating back and forth, stalling the bill's passage until after the July 4 recess to make Democrats look even more pathetic & incompetent (trust me, they're quite capable on their own!), not to mention stripping (reminds me of my young bachelor days!) the legislation of all its consumer-protecting strength like a real freedom-fighting, Grand Old Patriot of the all-mighty greenback. Dolla dolla bills ya'll!

But why the sudden change of heart from Mr. Nudie Heartbreaker himself?

Perhaps the Democrats dangled a cookie in front of Scott, ya know, something to really entice him to join the dark side, and vote on behalf of actually regulating the mammoth industry that helped cause the crisis, while at the same time continues to profit off the fiscal misery by duping the dumb public into believing that Republicans actually give one red cent about them, or their foreclosed home.

Something really tempting, like promising his daughter a slot on America's Next Top Model, or if he gets the urge to bare all in another beautiful birthday suit photo, maybe even him too. Like a special father-daughter spread or something super sweet like that.

What can Brown do for you? Other than show his true chameleon-like colors by being too yellow to stand up to glowing orange minority leaders and the rest of the pale white Republican patriots, and continue blue-balling the Dems' finance bill to keep struggling Americans in the red, so long as the poor, poor banks finally get back into the black, all to protect his favoritest, most beautiful shade in the whole wide world. No, not nude, silly! His other favoritest color in the all the world, freshly minted green, baby!

Tastes so delicious and refreshing, it's well worth the bitter taste it leaves behind. But hey, at least it's something to put in your mouth, since affording actual food isn't really an option.

On the bright side, there's probably enough for one of Scott's namesake brown bags, though.

Because the only thing better than a free lunch is the illusion of one.

Woohoo! Steve Forbes And Rich America Rejoice Over The Death Of Robert Byrd & Hopefully Finance Reform Too!

Malcolm Stevenson "Steve" Forbes, Jr, aka Steve Forbes, the snooty, silver-spoon fed son of inherited wealth and former Republican Presidential candidate no one remembers (pssst: he wasn't that good!) is once again in the spotlight for being ummm, well, the petty, pampered heir of the famed Forbes publishing empire, and mouthpiece for all of Mega-Rich Corporate America. Yay?

Well, Mr. Moneybags Forbes over here is absolutely tickled pink (but not gross gay pink!) to hear the wonderful news that 150-year old ancient fossil and longest serving member in the history of Congress, West Virginia Sen. Robert Byrd has finally kicked the ol' bucket. Phew! Dude was taking forever to die!

Because now that Byrd's ol' creaking bones are no longer around to ruin everything for everyone (or at least for those with billion dollar trust funds from daddy), America's fine banking institutions are once again free to screw over as many dumb, schmucky Americans as their cold, little hearts desire, without even having to worry about the big, bad government poking their stupid, consumer-protecting noses all over the place.

Hooray!

Steve Forbes is sooooooo ecstatic that Robert Byrd is dead that he just couldn't wait for the old man's body to turn cold before sharing the "good news" with all his fellow corporate billionaires, media moguls, Wall Street fat cats, and Grand Obstructionist Pals on his favoritest Twitter!

Yes, sir-ee, Forbes got his grave-dancing boots on and he's not ashamed to let the whole world know it! And not just because Steve's jealous that a dead 92-year-old Robert Byrd is still a more appealing, viable presidential candidate than he is, either!

Because now that Byrd is cooked (ha ha, sucker!), the prospects for financial reform may be buried with the ol' bastard too!

Mwwahahahahaha!

In fact, the only thing better than sayin' Bye Bye Byrdie would be if every other Democrat in the Senate also died, and maybe Scott Brown too, if Mr. Cosmo is even so much as thinking about voting in favor of regulating Wall Street.

They're perfectly capable of (not) doing that all by themselves, thank you very much!

Better stick to your other job wowing the ladies as a birthday suit coverboy, if you know what's good for you, Scotty!

And Steve Forbes will go back to his other job gleefully gettin' jiggy wit it on old men's graves in 140 thrilled characters or less, as Rich America's #1 classiest ghoul, and fearless defender of the only thing deader than Byrd's corpse, financial reform, and Forbes' flat tax:

His presidential chances, of course!

Besides, Steve's already done all the financial reforming America needs by wasting millions of dollars on his own two epically-failed presidential campaigns. For Freedom!

Or at least the freedom to be a complete douchebag and the sleaziest Grand Oil Puppet since Joe Barton, Joe Wilson, Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, EVER!

Great Scott! Anything Can Happen When Brown Turns Blue...

Oh no, the end is near! Republican Great White Hope, one-time nude model, Scott Brown, who was supposed to ride his freedom truck to Washington, DC to save America from its socialist death slide, has instead voted with the tyrannical Democratic majority to destroy a Republican filibuster of the terrible, new $15 billion 'Jobs Bill' to bring the Bushwhacked economy back from the abyss.

Okay, so maybe we should have been slightly suspicious when he refused to wear clothes for that hoity-toity, elitist magazine cover, Cosmo something or other. But seriously Scott, aligning with the DEMONcrats on only your second Senate vote? For shame!

Is this what you think the good Teabaggers of Massachusetts had in mind when they trampled Teddy Kennedy's ol' bones, destroying decades of hard work and dedication in a revolutionary wave of racism and insanity, to ensure the rest of America doesn't have the kind of terrible, Socialist, government-run health care they currently enjoy?

I should certainly hope not!

But here we are, once again thisclose to condemning another one of evil Barry's awful bills to create jobs for Americans to slow death in filibuster hell (where it belongs), and this bleeding-heart hippie in Teabagger's clothes jumps ship, joining Democrats in order to move forward and allow actual debate on the bill. Gasp!

And as if that wasn't bad enough, four other alleged Republicans suddenly decided they too care about creating jobs for poor Americans who need them, even more than creating tax cuts for rich Americans who don't, and decided to join Brown over on the dark side called progress.

Republican turncoats, Sens. Susan Collins, Olympia Snowe, Kit Bond, and George Voinovich also bucked GOP leadership, instead siding with Democrats and rational thought, by giving Dems the 60 votes they needed to support the bill--and thus destroy everything we love about America, like unemployment, inflation, and rising costs of living.

But fear not Republicans, there's still plenty Brown can do for you! Especially when wearing a suit, refraining from inhaling the exhaust fumes from his truck, and flexing his brain instead of just his biceps.

In other words, when not forced to prove his conservative street cred to a bunch of morons named after the sexual act of choice of drunken frats and high school house parties, and dressed like Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Alexander Hamilton if they were about to shoot a Snapple ad, in order to win a special election against a piece of driftwood by the name of Martha.

I came to Washington to be an independent voice, to put politics aside, and to do everything in my power to help create jobs for Massachusetts families. This Senate jobs bill is not perfect. I wish the tax cuts were deeper and broader, but I voted for it because it contains measures that will help put people back to work.

Hopefully, the kind that requires clothing.

What About Us?? Obama Assures Neglected Dems He Loves Them Too (In Spite of Being Massive Failures)

Jealous that the Socialist president everybody despises but secretly wants to jump into bed with, Barack Obama, spent some Quality Time alone with the terrible House Republicans during their group sex therapy rehab session policy retreat, the Democrats are now demanding Barry come to their powwow and bash them for being a bunch of pussy failures who ruin everything, too!

Of course, the historic Newseum in Washington DC isn't nearly as exciting as the Republicans' secret (sex?) bunker in Baltimore, but what do you expect from the party who thinks having an overwhelming majority means acting like a petrified minority with nary a legislative trick to stop them from being completely steamrolled by the scary Republican minority juggernaut, whom they outnumber 59-41? Yikes!

So, Barry is forced to go before his very competent and functional, brave Democratic party members to remind them yet again that George W. Bush is no longer president and, as such, they no longer have to hide quivering behind the inflatable Ronny Reagan blow-up doll Rahmbo brought in case of emergency. Like John McCain in the midst of one of his signature meltdowns (after embarrassing himself on live teevee again!) or Chuck Grassely scouring desperately for another teet to suckle (watch out, Nancy!).

Special thanks to the bravery of Barney Frank, who so generously volunteered his services to ensure all Democratic men are safe (at least for the time being) from the wide-stance ways of notorious man-tail hunter, Sen. Larry Craig.

So, everybody was all excited about President Obama's lovely pep talk with the Dems (especially Fox News), urging them that "we still have to lead" and not to give up, even after losing the filibuster-proof supermajority (they were too s-s-s-s-scared to take advantage of anyway). Hooray!

"All that's changed in the last two weeks is that our party's gone from having the largest Senate majority in a generation to the second largest Senate majority in a generation," Obama said. "And we've gotta remember that."

Then please feel free to squander it as you normally would.

But it wasn't all lectures and disappointment on Obama's end. No sir-ee! Barry even found some way to work in some praise and a few, "job well dones" or at least "job well trieds."

Like thanking the Democrats for not giving up in the face of unrelenting Republican obstructionism (and idiocy), and praising them for overcoming "enormous procedural obstacles that are unprecedented" in modern times, noting the fact that they cast more filibuster-breaking votes last year than in the entire 1950s and 1960s combined (so, at least they have more balls than the hippies?).

"That's 20 years of obstruction packed into just one...We extend a hand and all we get is a fist in return."

Time to put up your dukes, boys...and Nancy!

"I've said this before to this caucus, I want to say it again: for me it is constantly important to remind myself why I got into this in the first place.... You don't get into this for the fame, for the title. You get into it because at some point in time there was an issue that made you want to stand up and be counted, to fight for something."

Ehhh, not really. Unless changing the BCS rules counts, cause if so, then yes, hell yes!

"One of those issues being healthcare (Doh!): Well here we are, with a chance to change it.... As we think about moving forward, I hope we don't lose sight of why we're here. We've got to finish the job on health care. We've got to finish the job on financial regulatory reform. We've got to finish the job even though it's hard."

"If everyone here turned off their CNN, their Fox, turn off the TV, blogs (no!) and go out and meet real people ... they don't care quite frankly about majorities and minorities. We've got to get out of the echo chamber. That was a mistake I made last year, I didn't get out of here enough."

Hear that? Away from you freakshows and your echo chambers. Away, awaaay, awwaaaayy, awwwaaaaaayyyyy, awwwwaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy...

"What I'm not open to is a decision to stay on the sidelines and then assign blame. I have little patience for the kinds of political calculations that says the benefit of blocking everything is greater than the cost of doing nothing. That basically says if you lose, I win."

Well, Barry don't play that game, biaaatch!

But before he bid adieu, President Obama urged Democrats not to shrivel up like a wilting flower after losing their magical 60th Senate seat in January's Massachusetts special "incompetence edition" election.

"If anybody's searching for a lesson from Massachusetts, I promise you, the answer is not to do nothing."

It is to run like hell, shrieking at the top of your lungs and hoping, no, make that praying, that a certain Cosmo model from Massachusetts by the name of Scott Brown, doesn't mow you flat over in his gas-guzzling, macho pickup truck careening through New England en route to Washington, DC, where he will sit proudly atop Teddy Kennedy's ol' bones and contemplate the best way to rape ride his legacy full steam into the White House Oval Office.

Which, unlike NObama's hideous chocolate-hued mug, actually matches the lovely shape (not to mention color!) of his aesthetically beautiful, perfectly symmetrical face.

Is Scott Brown the White, Naked Version of Barack Obama the GOP's Been Waiting For?

Hahahahahahaha!!

What's that you hear? Oh, just the agonizing cries of Teddy Kennedy from six feet under as he watches his life's work be ripped to shreds by a male prostitute model who loves tea. Or is it bags?

Either way, the important thing here is that Massachusetts has taken a stand against America's precarious slide toward Socialism and the preposterous idea that every citizen deserves access to affordable, quality health care. Puh-lease! That's reserved for the good people of Massachusetts and them alone, thank you very much!

You see, here in the homo haven of Taxachussetts, they already have mandatory health coverage (the best in the nation!) so to be honest they don't really give a hootenanny what happens to the rest of you poor, pathetic schlubs. No offense or anything.

It's true! Why else would dumb Massachusetts want to replace its southern neighbor Connecticut as the worst thing to happen to these United States since unleashing that Joe Lieberman disease upon the world?

Certainly, there must be some reasonable explanation why the most liberal state in all the land just elected a gas guzzling, truck-drivin' Republican with a penchant for baring it all in glossy magazine spreads as the newest Senator to go to Washington to enact change by refusing to cooperate with that colored man on any plans he may have to achieve said change. This is a non-negotiable rule and oath every proud Grand Old Party member must take before serving the people as their elected obstructionist representative.

So the big question for Democrats becomes what to do now that their precious supermajority is no more? Should they simply concede victory to the Republicans and hand over complete control of the White House and Congress now instead of dithering around until the actual elections officially hand them their unceremonious exits?

In fact, since this means the end of health care reform as we know it (a retarded three-toed sloth), and certainly the end of that dismal FAILURE Barack Obama's 365-day disaster, why doesn't Scott go ahead and assume his rightful place as the exciting, new president of these United States?

He has all the necessary criteria: like our current commander-in-chief, he's a formerly unknown state senator catapulted into the national stage by getting elected to the U.S. Senate. He's got mad sex appeal, is young, fun, and knows a thing or two about wooing the ladies. Plus, unlike many of his Republican brethren, he is not a closeted homosexual trolling for anonymous man tail in Minneapolis airport men's rooms. Or at least, so far.

Clearly, his unprecedented success at defeating a terrible candidate in a wild, teabagger-fueled anti-incumbent (and anti-government) wave of hysteria means this man is ready to lead the country, effective immediately.

Hell, why not just swear the guy in now and save everyone the trouble of having to actually vote. That way, we can immediately begin repairing the 12-month catastrophe of Barack Obama and those terrible Democrats, and get things back to George W. Bush's blissful eight-year reign of peace and prosperity, nostalgically referred to as Pax Republicana.

Then I think we can all say Mission Accomplished!

Scott Brown Blames Those With Ears For Dumb, Stupid Scott Brown Comments

Pretend moderate and former Cosmo nudie model Scott Brown is doing his best to blow any and all chance of snagging Ted Kennedy's coveted senate seat, thus relieving the good people of Massachusetts from years of elite liberal oppression.

Being in the über-liberal queer paradise of Massachusetts, Scott Brown may be smart enough to pretend he's never so much as heard of that rag-tag group of freedom fighters affectionately known as teabaggers, but he's apparently too dumb to realize that calling the President of the United States a bastard may not be the best way to win a one-way to ticket to Washington to attend to the very important task of derailing health care reform and spitting on the grave of Ted Kennedy.

Here is the lovely, albeit fully-clothed, Mr. Brown during the 2008 Republican convention, defending the "good, core values" of Mother-of-the-Year Sarah Palin, whose savvy parenting skills include just one unwed, pregnant teenage daughter, out of three possible chances. Which Scott thinks is pretty darn good!

Unlike that illegitimate lovechild Barack Obama whose shadeball parents probably weren't even married when they popped out li'l Barry somewhere in the Kenyan wilderness.

BROWN: And quite frankly, Barack’s mom had him when she was, what, 18 years old?

GUEST: And married!

BROWN: Hahahaha, well, I don’t know about that.

HAHAHAHAHAHA, a real hoot! Semi-black illegals don't do normal AMERICAN things like exchange vows, but okay, whatever you say about Obama's parents being "married" and all. Sure, he'll buy it. Wink, wink.

But wait! What's this latest response from Scott Brown spokesman Eric Fehrnstrom about Obama being born (or possibly even hatched) out of wedlock?

"He doesn’t believe that. This is more desperate campaigning from Martha Coakley. When she isn't calling for higher taxes, she's making things up about Scott Brown."

She's even transforming herself into a 51-year-old one-time supermodel in order to make Mr. Nice Guy Scott Brown look like some sort of mindless fool on national teevee!

It's all Martha's fault, of course! She's the one who dressed in drag and went on air to say those terrible things about Barry's family. Not sweet, Scott! COAKLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But for some strange reason, the Dems aren't buying what Scott's selling, with DNC spokesman Hari Sevugan firing back at the latest nonsensical claim by Republican strategists:

"Why did he say it then? Whether it's on this issue, or choice or taxes, Scott Brown has a disturbing and telling history of saying one thing at one time, and another thing later on. The only thing that's clear is that Scott Brown is not who he says he is."

You mean a male model?? Well, excuuuuse him for being humble and not wanting to make everyone else look bad.

Being really, really ridiculously good looking isn't his fault. Must be that dang Martha again!

Battle for the Bay: Martha Coakley vs. Scott Brown

What Can Brown Do For You? Other Than Kill Health Care and Ruin America...

Scott Brown, So Conservative, Yet So Cosmo!

Oh no-zees! Democratic nerves have hit an all-time high (at least for this year) over the ever-so-close Senate race in the original birthplace of the teabagger, Massachusetts.

These nervous nellie Dems have decided it's time to hit the panic button and break out the big gun to win next Tuesday's do-or-die Senate race in Massachusetts.

Translation: It's time for Barry to head down to the land of gays and taxes to once again save the Dems from a toxic combination of their own incompetence and a Republican wet dream by the name of Scott Brown.

You see, Martha Coakley, Ted Kennedy's heir apparent and supposed shoe-in for Massachusetts' now vacant Senate seat, is in danger of losing her fancy shmancy liberal laces--marking the first Democratic boot by Republicans since the 1950s. Gasp!

Because if Coakley loses, then Democrats lose their 60-seat majority (cause they've been so effective with it??) in the Senate, and health care will likely be nothing more than the dying gasps of opportunity lost and Grandma as her creaking, ol' uninsured bones are tossed out the hospital door.

So the Dems have decided to do what they always do when there's problem they can't solve (no, not Maria silly, Republican senate hopeful Scott Brown): call in Barry to make it all better!

Hooray!

In this case, that means stop the sudden momentum of thorn-in-the-side Republican impostor Scott Brown, who is hoping (and praying no doubt) that the good people of Massachusetts suddenly forget they don't do the whole "Republican" thing and come out en masse to vote for him next Tuesday. Or just the older, more racist Massachusetts crowd. That'd be fine too. Either way.

But wait, what's this you say, Scott? You're not a real Republican? Because no Republican would ever get elected from the gay mecca of Taxachusetts, especially with the Grand Old Party's insistence upon 'round the clock racism, homophobia, and lightly veiled threats of violence against the government.

"The allegation that I vote 96 percent of the time with Republicans is inaccurate, but I'm proud of the fact that I’ve stood up against out-of-control spending and taxation in Massachusetts," he said.

He also claimed that he was unfamiliar with the "Tea Party movement," when asked by a reporter. Ha ha, whatever you say, Scotty!

And when told that different people labeled him a conservative, moderate and a liberal Republican, he responded "I'm a Scott Brown Republican."

The kind who snags Cosmopolitan magazine's very important "America's Sexiest Man" centerfold almost three decades before running around trying to steal a dead man's senate seat so he can kill the one piece of legislation said dead person dedicated his entire life to achieving.

Ya know, the good kind of Republican.