Democrats Violate Obama's Personal Space As He Signs Away Wall Street's Ability To Dupe The Dumb Public Whenever They Want...For Freedom!

Democratic congressional leaders happily hover around President Barack Obama as he signs the Dodd-Frank financial regulatory reform bill, giving the big, bad government sweeping oversight powers to regulate just how much Big Business/Wall Street is allowed to screw over dumb, everyday schmucks like you and me. Which, as it turns out, is not so much anymore! Hooray!

The bill, a hard-earned culmination of two years of fierce lobbying and intense debate over how to deal (or if you're a Republican, how NOT to deal) with the financial excesses and terrible hands-off policies that thrust the nation into the worst recession since the Great Depression, is another huge legislative victory for Barry the Terrible, and another devastating loss for the Grand Obstructionist Patriots who would love nothing more than to watch the dumb, suffering public stay poor, unemployed, and homeless for another four years, at least!

During the exciting White House signing ceremony, President Obama hailed the new legislation as a enormous victory for consumer protections and Wall Street accountability, and major step towards a sensible financial system that doesn't prey on the least fortunate, while rewarding those who urinate in diamond-encrusted gold toilets by spearheading one of the worst financial collapses in recent memory (except for maybe, John McCain of course!).

“These reforms represent the strongest consumer financial protections in history. Because of this law, the American people will never again be asked to foot the bill for Wall Street’s mistakes," President Obama said. "There will be no more taxpayer-funded bailouts. Period.”

“If you’ve ever applied for a credit card, a student loan, or a mortgage, you know the feeling of signing your name to pages of barely understandable fine print. But what often happens as a result, is that many Americans are caught by hidden fees and penalties, or saddled with loans they can’t afford.”

He said the law would crack down on abusive practices in the mortgage industry, simplifying contracts and ending hidden fees and penalties, “so folks know what they’re signing.”

Ugh, then how will Morgan Stanley and Bear Stearns be able to hand out billion dollar bonuses courtesy of the dumb (now homeless) taxpayers, as a well-earned reward for all their hard work concocting various get-rich-quick-by-destroying-an-entire-economy-schemes??

Minds so white hot with scintillating brilliance, they even managed to melt an entire housing market. Wizards, I tell ya!

Let's just hope Cosmo model Scott Brown gets his usual cold feet and starts prattling on about hostile business climates, not spooking investors, and not $crewing over the nice men and women responsible for his wild oil-guzzling ride to Washington, and decides to rip that pen out of NObama's Socialist hands mid-stroke.

Oh no-zees! Guess that's not going to happen! NObama even gave those three traitors a collective shout-out—including Bangor Sisters Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe of Maine, and Scott Brown of nudie centerfolds—for breaking with their party to approve the bill, saying that they “put partisanship aside, judged the bill on the merits, and voted for reform.”

God damn those selfish bastards! Now, who's gonna get rich off the misfortunes of others? Who, I ask you, who?

No one!?!?!

Ugh, America is as good as dead.

Just like your portfolio.

Woohoo! Steve Forbes And Rich America Rejoice Over The Death Of Robert Byrd & Hopefully Finance Reform Too!

Malcolm Stevenson "Steve" Forbes, Jr, aka Steve Forbes, the snooty, silver-spoon fed son of inherited wealth and former Republican Presidential candidate no one remembers (pssst: he wasn't that good!) is once again in the spotlight for being ummm, well, the petty, pampered heir of the famed Forbes publishing empire, and mouthpiece for all of Mega-Rich Corporate America. Yay?

Well, Mr. Moneybags Forbes over here is absolutely tickled pink (but not gross gay pink!) to hear the wonderful news that 150-year old ancient fossil and longest serving member in the history of Congress, West Virginia Sen. Robert Byrd has finally kicked the ol' bucket. Phew! Dude was taking forever to die!

Because now that Byrd's ol' creaking bones are no longer around to ruin everything for everyone (or at least for those with billion dollar trust funds from daddy), America's fine banking institutions are once again free to screw over as many dumb, schmucky Americans as their cold, little hearts desire, without even having to worry about the big, bad government poking their stupid, consumer-protecting noses all over the place.

Hooray!

Steve Forbes is sooooooo ecstatic that Robert Byrd is dead that he just couldn't wait for the old man's body to turn cold before sharing the "good news" with all his fellow corporate billionaires, media moguls, Wall Street fat cats, and Grand Obstructionist Pals on his favoritest Twitter!

Yes, sir-ee, Forbes got his grave-dancing boots on and he's not ashamed to let the whole world know it! And not just because Steve's jealous that a dead 92-year-old Robert Byrd is still a more appealing, viable presidential candidate than he is, either!

Because now that Byrd is cooked (ha ha, sucker!), the prospects for financial reform may be buried with the ol' bastard too!

Mwwahahahahaha!

In fact, the only thing better than sayin' Bye Bye Byrdie would be if every other Democrat in the Senate also died, and maybe Scott Brown too, if Mr. Cosmo is even so much as thinking about voting in favor of regulating Wall Street.

They're perfectly capable of (not) doing that all by themselves, thank you very much!

Better stick to your other job wowing the ladies as a birthday suit coverboy, if you know what's good for you, Scotty!

And Steve Forbes will go back to his other job gleefully gettin' jiggy wit it on old men's graves in 140 thrilled characters or less, as Rich America's #1 classiest ghoul, and fearless defender of the only thing deader than Byrd's corpse, financial reform, and Forbes' flat tax:

His presidential chances, of course!

Besides, Steve's already done all the financial reforming America needs by wasting millions of dollars on his own two epically-failed presidential campaigns. For Freedom!

Or at least the freedom to be a complete douchebag and the sleaziest Grand Oil Puppet since Joe Barton, Joe Wilson, Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, EVER!

Harry Reid's Dirty, Sexy Thoughts On Republicans' Dirty, Sexy, Money

Frustrated over the excruciatingly slow, molasses-like pace of financial reform in the Senate, courtesy of the Grand Obstructionist Party's reluctance to so much as even open debate (it only took three separate tries!) or move forward in any way, shape, or form (progress is evil!), sweet talkin' senate majority leader "Dirty" Harry Reid blasted the trick-turnin' Republicans for refusing to stop whoring themselves out to the big pimpin' high rollers on Wall Street, like one of Spitzer's many favorite high-class call girls.

Citing weeks-long talks between top negotiators Chris Dodd (D-Conn.) and Richard Shelby (R-Ala.) going nowhere, as well as the not one, not two, but three procedural votes needed to even open debate, as evidence of the Republicans' reluctance to move forward on the legislation, Reid slammed the corner-hustling street walkers comprising the Republican Party.

Guess even a meek ol' Mormon like Harry has a breaking point.

"The Republicans are having difficulty determining how they're going to continue making love to Wall Street," Reid said. "It's obvious that they do not want to put any decent restrictions on what Wall Street has done or are doing."

And why, on God's Green (for now) Earth, would they either? No one knows how to give 'em the full body rubdown quite like the strong, able hands of Goldman Sachs and Credit Suisse (with their exotic oils and blends, and those smooth European hands!).

Besides, the only other hands with the sweet touch the GOP craves was already booked by minister George Alan Rekers, who needed some sweet man handlin' himself while off pretending to be straight in Europe and Bermuda, with the hot piece of man tail he hired on a gay escort service site.

But not everyone, especially those the comments were specifically directed at, appreciates the sexytime thoughts of an old Mormon senator from Nevada.

"Considering Nevada's unemployment stands at 13%, Senator Reid would be well-advised to get his mind off sex and onto getting America's economy back on track," National Republican Senatorial Committee Communications Director Brian Walsh said.

Like a certain responsible, lesbian-bondage club thumpin' RNC Chairman, Michael "Balls Of" Steele?

But Harry don't care 'bout what lies those greedy ho's be pushin' on the American peeps, and is standing (firmly) by his comments.

Asked for clarification, Reid's spokesman Jim Manley said, "What can I say? It's true. Republicans are making love to Wall Street while Main Street is getting screwed.”

Ooooh, sounds sexy!

Now, that's not completely fair. I mean, if Main Street didn't want it so bad, how come they're always begging for it, with their low-cut tank tops, and black, lace-up, f**k-me boots?

Ugh, those mom 'n pop sluts on Main Street!

Either way, a Republican-version of a new Wall Street reform bill was voted down 38-61 on Thursday, with two Republicans joining all 59 Democrats to blue-ball the GOP's so-called consumer-protection bill, which President Obama blasted as "worse than the status quo."

"I will not allow amendments like this one written by Wall Street's lobbyists to pass for reform," Obama said.

But, Deputy Treasury Secretary Neal Wolin called talk of a possible veto "premature."

No doubt, a criticism the Grand Old Party of impotent white men have heard on more than one occasion.

"We're just trying to make sure consumers have the tools and information to make sensible choices with their financial resources," said Sen. Jack Reed (D-R.I.). "But unfortunately, it appears the other side of the aisle wants to make it appear they are strengthening consumer protection when they are really not doing much but just enforcing the status quo."

You mean like pretending they're packing more than just a semi-automatic 9mm Glock in their pants?

"We're doing this to provide a more rational and constructive alternative to what our Democratic colleagues are trying to slip by the American people," Sen. Richard Shelby said.

Ummm, don't you mean slip in the American people, Senator?

"It will create a massive new bureaucracy whose power and autonomy has no current equivalent to anywhere in the federal government. It can do whatever it wants, whenever it wants without any supervision or real check on its authority."

Just how the GOP likes it!

Huge, rough, insatiable, unprotected, and forced to take whatever Big Daddy shoves in their gagged-and-bound, leather mask-covered face.

"Alternatives that gut consumer protections and do nothing to empower the American people by cracking down on unfair and predatory practices are unacceptable, and I urge the Senate to vote no on weakening consumer protections and instead stand with the American people," President Obama said.

Only if you get down on both knees and beg. But you might want to steer clear of the words "urge" and "predatory."

Otherwise, they could be (mis)construed as something waaaaaay different than Wall Street reform.

Like say a Republican donor meeting, or something perverted like that.