Woohoo! Steve Forbes And Rich America Rejoice Over The Death Of Robert Byrd & Hopefully Finance Reform Too!

Malcolm Stevenson "Steve" Forbes, Jr, aka Steve Forbes, the snooty, silver-spoon fed son of inherited wealth and former Republican Presidential candidate no one remembers (pssst: he wasn't that good!) is once again in the spotlight for being ummm, well, the petty, pampered heir of the famed Forbes publishing empire, and mouthpiece for all of Mega-Rich Corporate America. Yay?

Well, Mr. Moneybags Forbes over here is absolutely tickled pink (but not gross gay pink!) to hear the wonderful news that 150-year old ancient fossil and longest serving member in the history of Congress, West Virginia Sen. Robert Byrd has finally kicked the ol' bucket. Phew! Dude was taking forever to die!

Because now that Byrd's ol' creaking bones are no longer around to ruin everything for everyone (or at least for those with billion dollar trust funds from daddy), America's fine banking institutions are once again free to screw over as many dumb, schmucky Americans as their cold, little hearts desire, without even having to worry about the big, bad government poking their stupid, consumer-protecting noses all over the place.

Hooray!

Steve Forbes is sooooooo ecstatic that Robert Byrd is dead that he just couldn't wait for the old man's body to turn cold before sharing the "good news" with all his fellow corporate billionaires, media moguls, Wall Street fat cats, and Grand Obstructionist Pals on his favoritest Twitter!

Yes, sir-ee, Forbes got his grave-dancing boots on and he's not ashamed to let the whole world know it! And not just because Steve's jealous that a dead 92-year-old Robert Byrd is still a more appealing, viable presidential candidate than he is, either!

Because now that Byrd is cooked (ha ha, sucker!), the prospects for financial reform may be buried with the ol' bastard too!

Mwwahahahahaha!

In fact, the only thing better than sayin' Bye Bye Byrdie would be if every other Democrat in the Senate also died, and maybe Scott Brown too, if Mr. Cosmo is even so much as thinking about voting in favor of regulating Wall Street.

They're perfectly capable of (not) doing that all by themselves, thank you very much!

Better stick to your other job wowing the ladies as a birthday suit coverboy, if you know what's good for you, Scotty!

And Steve Forbes will go back to his other job gleefully gettin' jiggy wit it on old men's graves in 140 thrilled characters or less, as Rich America's #1 classiest ghoul, and fearless defender of the only thing deader than Byrd's corpse, financial reform, and Forbes' flat tax:

His presidential chances, of course!

Besides, Steve's already done all the financial reforming America needs by wasting millions of dollars on his own two epically-failed presidential campaigns. For Freedom!

Or at least the freedom to be a complete douchebag and the sleaziest Grand Oil Puppet since Joe Barton, Joe Wilson, Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, EVER!

Livin' On a Prayer: Please God Let Robert Byrd Die So We Can Bury Health Care With Him

Remember Sen Tom Coburn's (R-OK) uplifting holiday message instructing everyone to pray for some dumb Democrat (that old bag Robert Byrd should do) to drop dead, or at the very least, get mangled in some freak accident so as to miss the early morning procedural vote on health care, thereby leaving the Democrats one vote shy of breaking the GOP filibuster:

Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK): What the American people ought to pray is that somebody can’t make the vote tonight. That’s what they ought to pray.

As it turned out however, all 100 U.S. senators showed up intact to vote on the measure, which passed on a party-line 60-40 vote. And on Tuesday morning, the Senate health care bill jumped the next procedural hurdle, with all 60 Democratic senators voting to pass the measure. However, only 39 Republicans voted against the passage, meaning one Republican was apparently missing in action. Uh-oh.

Gasp!! Could it be Coburn's death wish backfired and claimed one of its own members, fellow Oklahoman Republican Sen. James Inhofe as victim instead of the intended Democrat in some terrible, ironic twist of fate?

Now, as with most teabagger-related stunts, it is very hard to distinguish reality from an SNL skit, but either way, a certain self-identified Republican from Georgia, let's call him "Jesus" shall we, was so distraught his prayers for Sen. Robert Byrd to please die before the health care vote had backfired and accidentally killed beloved Republican Sen. James Inhofe instead of that ancient artifact from West Virginia, that he made this hysterical call into C-SPAN:

CALLER: Yeah doctor. Our small tea bag group here in Waycross, we got our vigil together and took Dr. Coburn's instructions and prayed real hard that Sen. Byrd would either die or couldn’t show up at the vote the other night.

How hard did you pray because I see one of our members was missing this morning. Did it backfire on us? One of our members died? How hard did you pray senator? Did you pray hard enough?

Republican Sen. John Barrasso, who took the tearful call, didn't really answer the question (as Republicans are naturally gifted at avoiding straightforward answers) but reassured the distressed teabagger that while he didn't know why Inhofe missed the vote, it didn't matter anyway since Republicans are completely irrelevant at this point.

So, Inhofe being there or not doesn't really make one iota of difference in the long run, short run or any run for that matter.

'Cept maybe a beer run. Ya know, make him feel like he's actually useful. But other than that, nah, no reason for him to show up. Seriously. No one will mind.

But for the record, Inhofe is still quite alive and plans to return to the Senate for later votes this week.

We're all very excited about it! Especially Inhofe. Death by decree is a terrible way to go.

Unless you're a Democrat. Then by all means. It's how God would've wanted it.