Livin' On a Prayer: Please God Let Robert Byrd Die So We Can Bury Health Care With Him

Remember Sen Tom Coburn's (R-OK) uplifting holiday message instructing everyone to pray for some dumb Democrat (that old bag Robert Byrd should do) to drop dead, or at the very least, get mangled in some freak accident so as to miss the early morning procedural vote on health care, thereby leaving the Democrats one vote shy of breaking the GOP filibuster:

Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK): What the American people ought to pray is that somebody can’t make the vote tonight. That’s what they ought to pray.

As it turned out however, all 100 U.S. senators showed up intact to vote on the measure, which passed on a party-line 60-40 vote. And on Tuesday morning, the Senate health care bill jumped the next procedural hurdle, with all 60 Democratic senators voting to pass the measure. However, only 39 Republicans voted against the passage, meaning one Republican was apparently missing in action. Uh-oh.

Gasp!! Could it be Coburn's death wish backfired and claimed one of its own members, fellow Oklahoman Republican Sen. James Inhofe as victim instead of the intended Democrat in some terrible, ironic twist of fate?

Now, as with most teabagger-related stunts, it is very hard to distinguish reality from an SNL skit, but either way, a certain self-identified Republican from Georgia, let's call him "Jesus" shall we, was so distraught his prayers for Sen. Robert Byrd to please die before the health care vote had backfired and accidentally killed beloved Republican Sen. James Inhofe instead of that ancient artifact from West Virginia, that he made this hysterical call into C-SPAN:

CALLER: Yeah doctor. Our small tea bag group here in Waycross, we got our vigil together and took Dr. Coburn's instructions and prayed real hard that Sen. Byrd would either die or couldn’t show up at the vote the other night.

How hard did you pray because I see one of our members was missing this morning. Did it backfire on us? One of our members died? How hard did you pray senator? Did you pray hard enough?

Republican Sen. John Barrasso, who took the tearful call, didn't really answer the question (as Republicans are naturally gifted at avoiding straightforward answers) but reassured the distressed teabagger that while he didn't know why Inhofe missed the vote, it didn't matter anyway since Republicans are completely irrelevant at this point.

So, Inhofe being there or not doesn't really make one iota of difference in the long run, short run or any run for that matter.

'Cept maybe a beer run. Ya know, make him feel like he's actually useful. But other than that, nah, no reason for him to show up. Seriously. No one will mind.

But for the record, Inhofe is still quite alive and plans to return to the Senate for later votes this week.

We're all very excited about it! Especially Inhofe. Death by decree is a terrible way to go.

Unless you're a Democrat. Then by all means. It's how God would've wanted it.

Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies (Quick Before ObamaCare Ruins America!)

"What the American people ought to pray is that somebody can't make the vote tonight."

--Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK), on the cloture vote for the health care reform bill

As the United States stands on the brink of a staggering legislative victory the likes of which no president has achieved in decades, Republicans across the land are weeping in agonizing despair, knowing that their artfully crafted and beautifully executed plan of TOTAL OBSTRUCTION is just hours away from resounding defeat, thanks to a determined Democratic supermajority.

But could it be that the Republicans' ingenious strategy of acting like a bunch of racist nutjobs who literally do not know what to do with themselves ever since that colored Kenyan Muslim became president, is part of the very reason the Democrats were able to succeed??

Yes, according to most rational beings (no, this doesn't include Fox News) like Jonathan Chait in his article, The Republican Health Care Blunder:

The United States is on the doorstep of comprehensive health care reform. It's a staggering achievement, about which I'll have more to say later. But the under-appreciated thing that strikes me at the moment is that it never would have happened if the Republican Party had played its cards right.

At the outset of this debate, moderate Democrats were desperate for a bipartisan bill. They were willing to do almost anything to get it, including negotiate fruitlessly for months on end. We can't know for sure, but Democrats appeared willing to make enormous substantive concessions to win the assent of even a few Republicans...

But Republicans wouldn't make that deal. The GOP leadership put immense pressure on all its members to withhold consent from any health care bill...And if they did succeed, the bill would be seen as partisan and therefore too liberal, too big government. The spasm of anti-government activism over the summer helped lock the GOP into this strategy -- no Republican could afford to risk the wrath of Tea Partiers convinced that any reform signed by Obama equaled socialism and death panels.

And so Democrats found themselves all alone.

The Republicans eschewed a halfway compromise and put all their chips on an all or nothing campaign to defeat health care and Obama's presidency. It was an audacious gamble. They lost. In the end, they'll walk away with nothing. The Republicans may gain some more seats in 2010 by their total obstruction, but the substantive policy defeat they've been dealt will last for decades.

Meanwhile, on the Senate floor yesterday, Rhode Island Democrat, Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (coincidence?) slammed Republicans for their "desperate, no-holds-barred mission of propaganda, falsehood, obstruction and fear," which he said will result in a "day of judgment" by the American people.

When it turns out there are no death panels, when there is no bureaucrat between you and your doctor, when the ways your health care changes seem like a good deal to you, and a pretty smart idea, when the American public sees the discrepancy between what really is, and what they were told by the Republicans, there will be a reckoning. There will come a day of judgment about who was telling the truth.

There will come a day of judgment, and our Republican friends know that. That Mr. President, is why they are terrified.

Hahaha, don't be silly! Considering they've already faced their biggest nightmare--not just any black man, but a black man with a brain in the White House--a few "harmless" lies doesn't scare 'em one bit.

Or at least not like the terrifying soon-to-be reality of granting millions of Americans access to the same affordable, quality health insurance they already enjoy. Now that's S-C-A-R-Y! **Shudder**

Sen. Coburn's Chief Of Staff: Playboy Will Make You A Gay!

Whoever said the Republicans were out of ideas, obviously never met Sen. Tom Coburn's delightful chief-of-staff Michael Schwartz whose bold, groundbreaking solutions for curing homosinuality sent shock waves through this weekend's Values Voters Summit.

Of course everyone knows the evils of homosexuality, but what you probably don't know is that pornography is directly linked to contracting the queer bug because ALL porno is GAY porno. It is!

“Pornography is a blight,” Schwartz told the audience. “It is a disaster. It is one of those silent diseases in our society that we haven’t been able to overcome very well. Now, I may be getting politically incorrect here. And it’s been a few years, but not that many, since I was closely associated with pre-adolescent boys, boys around 10 years of age…”

Ummm, please tell me he's not about to go all Pee-Wee Herman on us now?

“But it is my observation that boys of that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuality. And that’s because they don’t want to be that way. They don’t want to fall into it.”

Schwartz told the crowd about Jim Johnson, a friend of his who turned an old hotel into a hospice for gay men dying of AIDS. “One of the things he said to me,” said Schwartz, “that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark… he said ‘All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.”

There were murmurs and gasps from the crowd. “Now, think about that,” said Schwartz. “And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants! You know, that’s a good comment, it’s a good point, and it’s a good thing to teach young people.”

Ya hear that Johnny??? All those nudy mags under your mattress? Take one look, one look my young friend and it's leather pants, feather boas, and nothing but Barbara Streisand and Broadway shows for you. Got it flamer?

So eat well, exercise, be kind to others, and for the love of God, whatever you do, always remember the golden rule, son: tits and ass=faggot!