Don't Worry America, Congress Will Still Get Paid During Government Shutdown Over Ladies & Their Lady Parts

Just in case you were concerned about how Michele Bachmann, John Boehner, John McCain, Joe Wilson, that Nelson nutjob from Nebraska, and all the rest of the lunatic wingnuts comprising America's esteemed 112th Congress are going to survive the Great Government Shutdown of 2011, fear not my friends! They can still get paid, and probably will too, because unpaid furloughs are for losers and poors like teachers and police officers, not millionaire legislators charged with the difficult task of deciding what a woman can and cannot do with her sinful, lust-filled body.

About 800,000 federal workers would be sent home without pay if Congress fails to negotiate a budget deal by Friday night. But whether lawmakers would require themselves to take the same medicine is unclear.

Under House rules, lawmakers have the authority to determine who on their staffs would remain at work as "essential'' employees and who would be furloughed during a shutdown."

Oooh, oooh, please say prostitutes, mistresses, exotic escorts, and underage senate pages qualify as essential!

Lawmakers would continue to get paid during a shutdown, unless the full Congress voted otherwise. Both the House and Senate have voted to suspend their own pay during a shutdown, but as part of legislation that has not passed the other chamber, the Wall Street Journal reports.

Well I should certainly hope so! What the hell does this look like, Soviet Russia or something?

But just in case of the off chance that filthy rich, striking politicians continuing to get paid while shutting down operations may look bad to the average schlub, some noble legislators have suggested doing something else with the money (they don't need anyway), like skipping their salaries, shooting the paycheck with a .308 Winchester rifle, or maybe even giving it to gross "charity" or whatever.

On Thursday, some lawmakers said they didn’t believe they should keep their salaries during a shutdown. West Virginia Sen. Joe Manchin, a Democrat, urged his colleagues to return such pay to the Treasury or give it to charity. “I can’t imagine that the president, vice president or any member of Congress—Republican or Democrat—thinks they should get paid when the government has shut down,” Mr. Manchin said.

Poor U.S. representatives! How on God's once-green Earth will they make do on their stock dividends, corporate speaking fees, PAC petty cash accounts, and trust funds alone? Oh, the humanity!

Luckily, their "essential" staffers will still be around to sign for the unmarked boxes of freshly squeezed poor people's tears, tightly packed placentas fresh from the womb, and plentiful stacks of oil-dipped hundred dollar bills courtesy of the Koch brothers.

From TPM:

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has laid a final offer at Republicans' feet, and it will require them to drop their insistence on defunding Planned Parenthood, and accepting what Reid insists is an agreed upon level of spending cuts. If Republicans don't take it, and if Reid's not bluffing, the government will shutdown.

"The number we're not bending on," he told reporters in a press briefing Friday morning. "We're not bending on that and we're not bending on women's health."

The ball is effectively now in House Speaker John Boehner's court. Republicans have signaled a willingness to drop the Planned Parenthood rider in exchange for more spending cuts. But Reid says they've agreed on cut number — $78 billion below President Obama's budget request last year, or about $38 billion off current spending.

Not that it's even about budget cuts or reducing spending at this point. A few billion here, a few billion there. Yawn. What's the diff, right?

C'mon, didn't you people learn anything? It is always about abortion! Even if the Democrats do the unthinkable and cave in to the ludicrous amount of cuts Republicans want to make, everyone knows the GOP will still insist on using it's big orange Boehner to stick in policy riders to defund Planned Parenthood, cripple health care reform, and inform the slutty environment it's not a rape victim when corporations pummel it because it was totally begging for it with its skimpy, half-naked ozone and come drill me mantle.

Another Day, Another Weeping Orange Boehner Wets Himself For No Reason

Democrats and Republicans might be on the verge of shutting down the big, bad gubmint (hooray?) due to some alleged financial dispute, but beloved members of both of our nation's dumb political parties can at least still agree on one thing: even House Speaker John Boehner's inappropriate, borderline hysterical booze tears won't be enough to save the nation now.

After meeting with his Senate majority counterpart (minus the drinking problem), Harry Reid, to discuss always-riveting budget negotiations, John Boehner once again returned to his House Republican caucus to deliver what's come to be known as the sob heard 'round the world.

"Yes. He cried, but only briefly," said one person at the meeting.

Phew! I mean we wouldn't want the ol' Boehns to waste all his glowing moisture droplets in one fell swoop, now would we? Let's just hope he can better budget his tear ducts than he can the actual budget!

So yes it looks like the government is going to shut down tomorrow night because, like, who needs law and order anyway? Certainly not Libya...or the United States!

Because Republicans will NOT do anything, I repeat anything until Obama and the God-awful Democrats agree to withhold all funds for anyone not still connected to a placenta or serving in unnecessary military invasions or occupations overseas.

Ya know, the important people.

But leave it to those pesky Democrats to refuse the Republicans' asinine demands and instead do something really crazy like actually stand up for spending money on some stuff, just to keep the ol' government coiffers filled and humming dysfunctionally along.

The nerve!

The one-week stopgap drafted by House Republicans would provide money through Sept. 30 for the Pentagon, which has said the budget fight is causing considerable problems for the military. The inclusion of the military spending should win support for the bill even from House conservatives who had previously said they would not back any more temporary spending measures. It also allows Republicans to say they are making certain that troops fighting overseas do not miss a paycheck.

Oooh, thank heavens Republicans don't have to worry about people saying they don't sufficiently love the troops with all their ice cold, corporate-sponsored, oil-soaked li'l hearts, since this is pretty much the only thing that concerns the Grand Old Party, other than legislating what a woman can or cannot do with her hooha.

Priorities, people!

“There is an intent on both sides to continue to work together to try to resolve this. No one wants the government to shut down," Boehner said, his lower lip once again quivering and eyes filling with faux warm wet droplets. Wink, wink.

Haha, dumb Democrats didn't even realize his fingers were crossed behind his back, which everyone knows is the universal sign for psyching out Democratic congressmen (and women!).

Which isn't all that hard when all you have to do is demand a bunch of outrageous, nonsensical concessions from the party in power and call it a comprise, stockpile some tear ducts, gather a crowd of lamestream jourrnalists, and scare the bejesus out of caring Democrats by making yet another half-hearted, ill-intended promise to shutdown the terrible, no-good government everyone hates except when Republicans are running it.

 “I’ve got to tell you all that I like the president personally,” John Boehner said. “We get along well. But the president isn’t leading. He didn’t lead on last year’s budget, and he clearly is not leading on this year’s budget.”

Unlike a certain Speaker Leaker of the House, whose unparalleled leadership skills can clearly be seen by the trail of bourbon-flavored tear drops leading to the one place America can't afford to shut down: the local tanning salon, duh!

Which is still a helluva lot better than the latest, greatest GOP "compromise" the Republicans will cook up next, if they want to avoid government shutdown another two weeks: the immediate killing of the first born child in every Democratic family.

See, told ya governing is easy!