Don't Ask Don't Tell Repeal Finally Goes Into Effect As Society Welcomes Republicans Into The 21st Century Of Basic Human Dignity

Congratulations, America! The moment we've all been waiting for—and Republicans have been warning us about—is finally here, and it's most definitely queer.

At the stroke of midnight on Tuesday, the terrible, nearly two decades old discriminatory policy banning gays and lezzies from being all they can be as loud 'n proud members of the U.S. military is officially as dead as poor people would be if the GOP had anything to say about it.

It's true! So now that Don't Ask Don't Tell is just another one of America's most cherished, nostalgic Clinton-era memories (right up there with Monica Lewinsky's semen-stained blue dress, and all the wild 'n crazy things you can do with a cigar), what does this mean for the rest of us?

Where's the hellfire, the brimstone, the unraveling of America's moral fabric, the total collapse of civilized society, and the vengeful fury of God's wrath that every Republican knows comes from no longer regulating whether our nation's servicemen and women are servicing each other with the proper penis-vagina ratios?

Even the usually reliable ol' gay panic standby Fox News is uncharacteristically silent on the issue, with nary a peep about how letting gross gay and lesbians openly serve will quickly and irreversibly transform America's once-lean, mean, hetero fighting Marine Corps machine into one big camouflaged Chorus Line, except with less ensemble dance numbers and more anal gang rapes in the shower.

So while Michele and Marcus Bachmann, Lindsay Graham, and the rest of the Grand Old Closet Cases anxiously wait for Armaggedon to come in the form of fatigue-wearing Eltons and Ellens, the rest of America can feel Ga-Ga Great knowing their country's military policy towards gay people is officially no longer on par with North Korea, Uganda, Syria, and Iran, but instead as wonderfully enlightened as Albania, Estonia, and Malta's.

From the AP:

Gay advocacy groups planned a series of celebrations across the country.
At a San Diego bar, current and former troops danced and counted down to midnight. “You are all heroes,” Sean Sala, a former Navy operations specialist, said. “The days of your faces being blacked out on the news — no more.”
The head of Pentagon personnel, Clifford Stanley, put out a memo to the work force at 12:01 a.m. EDT. “All service members are to treat one another with dignity and respect regardless of sexual orientation.”

OMG, what a crazy, novel idea!!

THE GAYS WIN! Hooray! Doesn't the liberal destruction and moral decay of our nation just feel faaaaaabulous!?

No One Asked But McCain's Still Telling...He's A Bitter Old Man Who Hates The Gays Almost As Much As NObama & His Own Pathetic, Miserable Life

Rejoice America because John McCain's deranged, one-man stinky rotten loser, raging bull destroy-Obama crusade to keep awful gay and lesbian soldiers from admitting they're in fact awful gay and lesbian soldiers is now as dead as the old man's last remaining neurons and synapses.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of the usually insufferable but occasionally decent, ol' Independent Joe Lieberman and scrappy, hard-fighting, justice-seekin' Mormon Majority Leader Harry Reid, the Senate finally achieved its first successful repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell after only 500 pathetic attempts, and like, 17 shameful years, by an official vote of 65 decent human beings to 31 bitter, bigoted old white men.

Hooray!

But just because a policy granting decency and basic human rights to members of our Armed Forces is good for equality, good for justice, and good for America, does not mean it is good for John McCain. We wouldn’t want to have too many civil rights in a gloriously free society such as our own, now would we?

No, no we certainly wouldn't! Unless you're a hippie dippie queer-lovin' Democrat!

“I don’t care who you love,” Senator Ron Wyden, Democrat of Oregon, said as the repeal debate opened. “If you love this country enough to risk your life for it, you shouldn’t have to hide who you are.” [...]

“I’m not here for partisan reasons,” Carl Levin, a Michigan Democrat, said. “I’m here because men and women wearing the uniform of the United States who are gay and lesbian have died for this country, because gay and lesbian men and women wearing the uniform of this country have their lives on the line right now.”

Oh great, so now the line is gonna be all gross and gay now, too!

Good thing one rapidly deteriorating (though, not fast enough!) Senator by the name of John McCain will not stand silently by as desperately-needed civil rights are tossed around willy-nilly to every fatigue-clad homosexual spreading security and sin in every nook, cranny and underground bunker around the world.

Them gays will get rights over his (medically declared) dead body!

"So here we are about six weeks after an election that repudiated the agenda of the other side," McCain wheezed in a bizarre, rambling floor speech, one part argument and four parts temper tantrum.

"You think: 'what this bizarro world that the Majority Leader has been carrying us in of cloture votes on this, votes on various issues that are on the political agenda of the other side, you somehow think that beginning next January 5, we will all love one another and kumbaya?"

Yeah, suck it faggots!

"Today's a very sad day. The commandant of the United States Marine Corps says when your life hangs on the line, you don't want anything distracting," McCain insisted, doing his best impression of Miss Runner Up USA and devout one man+one woman advocate Carrie Prejean..."I don't want to permit that opportunity to happen and I'll tell you why. You go up to Bethesda Naval Hospital, Marines are up there with no legs, none. You've got Marines at Walter Reed with no limbs."

Hear that people?? Human torsos are literally piling up like limbless mannequin mountains all because U.S. soldiers are constantly distracted by all the hotttttt man-on-man action going on in every Iraqi foxhole and Afghan mountainside now that Ga-Ga gays are free to lose the p-p-poker face, put on their rainbow meat dresses and shimmy-shake their fabulous selves out of Army closets across the nation.

On the other hand, soldiers still possessing all their appendages are able to keep constant vigil over fellow servicemen, probably because their minds aren't stuck in the terrible, twisted gay gutter.

What else could possibly be distracting soldiers? Certainly not blessed straight, man-on-woman sex! In all of human history, men have never, ever been distracted by the thought of women and/or having sex with them, only by the thought of two guys in green and brown camouflage getting it on behind the barracks.

Hell, what do you think distracted John McCain when he crashed all those airplanes deep behind enemy lines? Certainly not Cindy McCain, who clearly wasn't yet old enough to be buying elections or posing naked with her mouth duct-taped to protest old white bigots like her wonderful Grandpa husband John wantonly discriminating against gay and lezzy people.

Bottom line is that John McCain is just trying to save innocent lives, innocent hetero lives, that is.

Despite the "thousands" of active and retired military personnel who tell him not to repeal DADT (in his head), McCain was resigned to the fact that it will be repealed, "and all over America, there'll be gold stars put up in windows, in the rural towns and communities all over America that don't partake in the elite schools that bar military recruiters from campus, that don't partake in the salons of Georgetown and the other liberal bastions here around the country, but there will be additional sacrifice."

“I have no idea what he's talking about and no one else does either," Harry Reid said with a shrug.

"All over America?" Technically, his best buddy Joe Lieberman repealed it "all over John McCain's face."

For the second time in as many years, John McCain FAILS to make history. Err, except maybe in the newly revised Texas schoolbooks. They seem to have a fondness for bitter old white men who prefer to go down with the ship.

After they toss the terrible gays overboard, that is.

U.S. Military Report Finally Asks & Tells, But Republicans Suddenly Can't Hear Or Speak

Oh no, not them pesky ne'r-do-well gays again!

Sure, more and more Americans are increasingly supportive of and comfortable with "gays" and "woman gays" aka "lesbians" serving openly in the military because, umm, last I checked this was the 21st century not the late cretaceous period when John McCain was still just a primordial twinkle in his mother's eye.

And also because much like John McCain's arthritis medicine, personal integrity, and mental capacity, wanton and unjust discrimination too has a half-life.

Pew has a new poll out today showing that the nation has shifted on Don't Ask Don't Tell, since the 1990s. Only 27 percent of Americans oppose gays and lesbians serving openly in the military, down from 45 percent in 1994. Fifty-eight percent of Americans support ending DADT. Even among Republicans, there is a narrow split: 44 percent oppose gays serving, while 40 percent favor.

OMG! Well there's that homosexual agenda for you. Fighting for acceptance, justice, and equality for years and years, until eventually, after decades of hard fought-struggle, bitter opposition, and sloooowly evolving attitudes, the wretched gays and lezzies finally gain said acceptance.

Whoa, whoa slow down queers! Ramming their God-forsaken, insidious agenda down our throats for the past half century or so years until our throats are so red, raw and sore that we can't even close our perfectly hetero jaws anymore.

Just look what's happening to the usually reliable bastion of homophobia and intolerance, the U.S. Military! The much-heralded, highly anticipated Holy Grail of Gay Studies, the Pentagon's several hundred-page report (which you can read all 267 pages of here, if you're insane) on whether allowing secretly gay soldiers to say "I'm gay" aloud would destroy the American military has been released. And turns out...wait for it...most soldiers do not think that allowing their fellow servicemen (and women) to be honest about their own, terrible sexuality (without fear of reprisal) would cause a sudden rainbow revolution where GI Joes and Janes throw off their fatigues, and come shimmy-shaking out of Army closets across the country singing "Honky Cat," ready to make deviant same-sex love, not pure, straight-as-a-bullet war.

- 70% of Service members said they would be able to "work together to get the job done" with a gay servicemember in their immediate units.
- 69% said they worked in a unit with a co-worker that they believed to be homosexual.
- 92% stated that their unit's "ability to work together," with a gay person was "very good, "good" or "neither good nor poor." (89% for those in Army combat arms units, 84% for those in Marine combat arms units.)
- 74% of spouses of military service-members say repeal of DADT would have no impact on their view of whether their husbands or wives should continue to serve.
- 30% overall (and 40–60% in the Marine Corps and in various combat arms specialties) expressed negative views or concerns about the impact of a repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

But it's not just the right to fight and die for their country as out 'n proud members of the U.S. military that the wicked gays are after. They want all the rights and privileges of normal people who have God-approved sex with the proper (1:1) penis-vagina ratios, the nerve!

And just look what the terrible gays are doing to America's moral fabric! Turning us into a bunch of rainbow colored, mostly divorced sissies, I tell ya!

A minority of Americans in 2010 (43 percent) think it is bad for society to have more gay couples raising children, while a majority think it is either a good thing (12 percent) or it makes no difference (41 percent) to have gay couples in parenting roles.

Umm, hello?? Need I remind you of a cozy li'l community called Sodom and Gomorrah? Fire, brimstone, but not a discothèque to be found in all the land. Coincidence, I think not!

What is truly tragic is that so many otherwise good, decent citizens are being swayed by this homosexual cabal and special interest minority always trying to shove freedom and equality down innocent, homophobic Americans' throats, but thankfully we still have heroes like John McCain around to ensure this great nation remains at the mercy of the will of the people.

Err, the will of the non-gay and non-gay-supporting people, that is. The real people.

Like say, congressional Republicans, whose initial enlightened response to the Pentagon's painstaking, months long study unequivocally proving that repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell won't damage troop readiness, hurt troop morale, or cause the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to appear on the shores of Ellis Island, is to demand more hearings and "comprehensive oversight" of this study, preferably until they assume control of the House and can kill it off for good.

The bill, not the gays, that is.

America may be going to hell but hey at least it's riding in one hell of a stylish handbasket, amiright?

Republican Congressional Hopeful Sean Bielat Knows Short Is The New Gay, So Speak Softly & Carry A Big (Measuring) Stick!

Republican congressional candidate Sean Bielat believes in two simple truths: the power of his own digitally crafted campaign ads of Barney Frank gay dancing across Massachusetts propelling him to certain election victory over that no-good, tax-lovin' liberal queer with a lisp, and his uncanny ability to apply simple logic to solve complex problems facing the nation, like say, what to do with those pesky gays and lezzies fighting so hard for the right to die for America like normal, decent straight men and women, who aren't just too damn attracted to the same sex to be able to honorably defend their nation's freedom by killing Muslims in parched foreign deserts in faraway lands.

"There's no absolute right to serve. Men under the height of 5 feet, 2 inches can't serve - I don't see anybody protesting. Where are the people standing in front of the White House, the short guys standing in front of the White House? You don't see it," Bielat said.

Ummm, that could be because they're all just too darn vertically challenged for the naked eye to actually see at all. But, I'm sure being the mental giant that he is, Bielat has an even better explanation.

"We understand that there's no absolute right to serve in all these other areas," Bielat said, apparently unaware of the massive crowd of five, not vertically, but mentally challenged Birthers protesting whatever it is obese white people protest (black presidents in their White House?) on the National Mall with Hitler signs.

What we don't see, however, is any petite li'l fellas handcuffing themselves to the White House in protest, because even they know well enough that they are too damn short and gross to participate in any warring activities like the rest of the convicted felons, high school dropouts, former drug addicts and honorable normal-sized American citizens openly serving their country as proud members of the U.S. Armed Forces.

So the moral of the story is: short people should be allowed to serve, just so long as they're not *openly* short. Just like gay people should be allowed to serve, so long as they're not *openly* gay.

You've heard of Don't Ask, Don't Tell? Well, this is more like Don't Ask, Don't Measure!

Hard to argue with airtight logic like that...

Errr, except for the tiny, insignificant fact that one group is physically limited in their ability to serve, while the other isn't so much physically limited as physically enjoys banging people of the same sex in their free time. Unless gay also means you have no arms, no legs, marbles instead of eyes, and are going straight to hell for having deviant sex with all the wrong penis-vagina ratios.

Or as the Boston Herald put it:

Hmm. ... On the other hand, vertically challenged people are not forced to pretend they're tall, then drummed out once it's discovered they're short in spite of their service record.

Then again, coming out as a wee li'l teeny-tiny, itty-bitty shrimp man or woman never had the whole "whoa, whoa, whoa, OMG REALLY??" factor.

Not to mention, big, flamboyant hair styles, secret boot lifts, extra thick heels, and vertical stripes never were the recommended methods for hiding your total gayness.

A much more sure-fire, effective way to pretend you're somebody you're not is simply to join the Republican Party.

No questions asked. Or, for that matter, answers given.

Because why Ask and Tell when you can just Lie and Yell?

Campaign for Equal Rights? Ha ha, more like the Campaign for Equal Heights!

Mirror Mirror On The Wall, Will You Help Me Grow Some Balls & Fulfill My Promise Of Equality For All?

Look you gays, err guys, the Obama administration like totally wants to abolish that terrible, shameful, discriminatory Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, 100% for sure without a doubt. They are like totes behind you on that one!

But, here's the thing. They are very particular when it comes to actually putting this horrible joke of a policy they are always telling us how much they hate to rest, and being the fuddyduddys that they are, can and will only bring an end to this intolerance in the nicest, most polite way possible, complete with a pretty pink ribbon to really tie the whole discrimination look together.

This is just how Barack rolls!

Because the important thing here isn't of course ending the disgraceful 17-year-old unconstitutional policy unfairly targeting a group of people simply because of their weird, deviant same-sexuality, but rather how it is ended. Am I right? Who's with me?

And this is why the Obama administration, being the civilized, refined ladies and gentleman that they are will not simply let DADT be overturned the fast and ballsy, down 'n dirty way, in the courts, because that is not nice and neat and pretty, and certainly not something befitting of such distinguished, upstanding pillars of the community.

The Justice Department is asking a federal appeals court to lift a moratorium on the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” by the end of today, once again arguing that the injunction jeopardizes an ongoing Pentagon review of how to end the ban on openly gay and lesbian service members. [...]

In court papers, the Justice Department said Phillips’s injunction “is at odds with basic principles of judicial restraint” because it blocks the Pentagon from enforcing the gay ban across the military and not just among members of the Log Cabin Republicans, the group that filed suit challenging the constitutionality of the law.

So just to get this straight (and we don't mean the good, military kind of straight), the Log Cabin REPUBLICANS are in favor of ending Don't Ask, Don't Tell now; the Obama administration is not. Hmmm, nothing weird here, no sir-ee!

The appeal for a stay of Phillips’s injunction is meant as a stop-gap while the Justice Department prepares to appeal the judge’s September ruling that “don’t ask” is unconstitutional. The government is appealing the law despite President Obama’s stated opposition to the 17-year gay ban. Obama has urged Congress to repeal the law through legislation.

"It happens every once in awhile at the federal level when the solicitor general, on behalf of the U.S., will confess error or decline to defend a law," said ex-George W. Bush administration solicitor general Ted Olson, who has renounced his formerly evil ways and is now leading the legal challenge of California's ban on same-sex marriage.

"I don't know what is going through the [Obama] administration's thought process on ‘don't ask, don't tell,'" Olson said. "It would be appropriate for them to say ‘the law has been deemed unconstitutional, we are not going to seek further review of that.'"

Yes, yes, civil rights, eventually. Justice for all, eh, maybe at some point. Awesome smart bombs dropped by gay soldiers, sure when the time is right. That is, when the whole world is ready to embrace their inner queer, join hands, and skip to my loo around the Pentagon, led by Carl Paladino in a rainbow colored speedo, riding atop his favorite Stallion from the hot girl-on-horse-flick he's always emailing, surrounded by all his ol' Buffalo boys from the gay nightclub he owned, flanked on both sides by the two hot chicks from his other favorite girl-on-girl lesbo porn, and of course the beautifully decorated "Teabaggers For Queers" float bringing up the rear.

But until then, I'm sorry gays and lezzies, it's too bad for you! You'll have to pardon their reluctance to rudely force equality and justice on those (bigots, fearmongers, black presidents?) unwilling to do it themselves.

Why, you ask??

Well, because they're a little gay. But not gay in the fluent in Arabic, bravely fighting side-by-side with your fellow soldiers defending your nation's freedom while secretly hiding who you are kind of way. Gay in the too scared and cowardly to do what's honorable and just, but instead letting this irrational, hypocritical fear of all things hopey-changey (including their own shadow!) triumph over the moral, right and good.

Because justice delayed isn't justice denied, it's justice deferred.

And what's more dignified than that? Certainly not cool missiles patriotically exploded or machine guns fired by bilingual fags instead of bipolar felons, at least until the Pentagon and Defense Dept. finishes trying on all its different outfits to figure out which camouflaged color combo is most flattering when blown to bits in the remote parched desert wilderness of the Afghan mountains!

"The whole point of the ongoing Pentagon study is how to repeal 'don't ask, don't tell'- as if we don't know how to do it," Aaron Belkin said, director of the Palm Center, a military think tank in California. "But look what happened last week? The military suspended it last week with no training and guess what? Nothing happened."

"You don't need to teach the troops how to interact with gays anymore than you need to train them how to deal with Jews," Belkin said. "People know how to behave with one another."

Of course they do, silly! But we're talking about gays, not people!

Besides, at least with Jews, we know what to expect: a weak-kneed, sniveling coward who may not squeeze a trigger, but won't hesitate to squeeze a buck or two out of any hapless schmuck unlucky enough to cross their path.

They gays, on the other hand, could be anyone and anywhere! You just never know what you're gonna get with that "kind." Except, most likely a college degree, highly specialized skills, good hygiene, and if all goes well & the Obama administration has their way, a dishonorable discharge and immediate dismissal from duty.

As nicely and politely as possible.

Because in America, at least when we discriminate, we do it with a wink, smile, and slap on the ol' behind (but not in a gross gay way or anything!).

It's called class.

Breaking News: White House Appeals Don't Ask, Don't Tell Because Who Needs Hope & Change When You Can Have Fear & Injustice Instead?

ANSWER: NONE OF THE ABOVE!

Gay soldiers don't die, silly, they simply deny!

This just in: President Obama is too pussy to end Don't Ask, Don't Tell, a policy he thinks is morally reprehensible, constitutionally illegal, and a mockery of justice and equality, but is simply too in love with to be able to quit anyway.

Ummm, hooray??

So, rejoice gays! Even, your supposed biggest defender, the President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama, hates your repulsive, gross gay guts.

So much so that he won't even let you spill yours all over the battlefield because of it!

The Obama administration took legal action Thursday to stop a judge’s order striking down the Pentagon’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy prohibiting gays from openly serving in the military — a politically awkward move that effectively continues the Justice Department’s fight to preserve a policy that President Barack Obama has said he wants to dismantle

In its injunction request, the DOJ writes, "As the President has stated previously, the Administration does not support the DADT statute as a matter of policy and strongly supports its repeal. However, the Department of Justice has long followed the practice of defending federal statutes as long as reasonable arguments can be made in support of their constitutionality, even if the Administration disagrees with a particular statute as a policy matter, as it does here."

All the while, White House Press Secretary and discriminatory policy procrastinator extraordinaire Robert Gibbs continued to insist that "don't ask, don't tell" is "going to end" -- it's just a matter of how.

Ooooh, hopefully in the most painfully slow, ass backwards, infuriatingly illogical manner possible. Multiplied by infinity.

So far, so good?

Yay! Republicans Heroically Vote To Keep Our Military Safe From Scary Ladies In Meat Dresses & Even Scarier Ga-Ga Gays!

OMG! Guess what little gay and lezzy monsters across America?? Your little "rights" struggles are over! Done, dunzo, finito, Ga-Ga-gonzo!

Oh, wait never mind, you're all still totally screwed, despite Lady Gaga donning a hotttt meat dress, and p-p-p-poking her face all around Maine, trying to convince the last two "moderate" (aka not completely insane) Senator ladies, Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe, not to be ignorant homophobic wretches, on the wrong side of equality everything, like the rest of their Grand Obstructionist Party of dinosaurs and elderly Klansmen. But they politely declined!

Ooops, guess crazy really is all the rage these days!

Not even Gaga's sexy steak dress was enough to convince the Bangor Sisters, Susan and Olympia, that indeed gays and lesbians should have as much right to senselessly die in a remote parched desert mountainside as the rest of decent, heterosexual America.

"Equality is the prime rib of America, but because I am gay, I don't get to enjoy the greatest cut of meat my country has to offer," Lady Gaga said, referring to the MTV Video Music Awards dress she wore last week made out of cuts of steak.

"Shouldn't everyone deserve to wear the same meat dress I do?" she said.

Yes, totally! Err, make that everyone who is not a gross gay person! They can have the scraps, or maybe the random discarded bits 'n parts that go into a hotdog. The gays like those, right? I would say lesbians too, but everyone knows dykes despise (man)meat, and much prefer Garden Burgers or Tofu instead. They should probably just go ahead and stick to that Kermit the Frog frock. It is much more their style, being green & vegetarian and all.

Oh yeah, and since when is Lady Gaga g-g-g-g-gay?? We were totally waiting for her to invent a new form of sexuality (steakuality? Bad Romancuality?) instead of declaring herself just another boring, ho-hum homo!

Sorry gays, maybe next year never?

But at least the rest of good, heteroperfect America can sleep soundly knowing that our nation's servicemen will not be secretly servicing one another (or at least not asking or telling anyone about it), for a few more months at the earliest! Phew!!

Thanks to the inability of Democrats to get the 60 votes needed to break a Republican filibuster and keep debate alive on a defense authorization bill — including a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" repeal and the DREAM Act, which would provide a path to citizenship for children of illegal immigrants via military service or higher education — the 17-year-old policy that legally bars gays and lesbians from being their fabulous selves while donning military fatigues and devoting their lives to protecting the very freedom they're denied, will continue indefinitely.

Woohoo! Who needs dumb equality anyway?? Certainly not this country! Not mighty, straight America: Land of the (sort of) free and home of the bravely discriminating against deviant queers for almost two decades. Hooray!

The Senate—leery of being steamrolled into a pre-election vote on abolishing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" before the Pentagon completes its study on the impact of its repeal—decided Tuesday against lifting the 17-year-old law. Senators voted 56-43, failing to get the 60 votes needed to end a Republican filibuster and allow an actual vote on ending the ban.

Republican senators, including Sens. John McCain (AZ) and Susan Collins (ME), argued that passing repeal now would undermine the Defense Department’s review of the policy, which won’t be completed until December.

Repeal supporters believe it will be years before another plausible effort can be mounted to allow openly gay men and women serve in the U.S. military.

Two Democratic senators from Arkansas (where the F else??), Mark Pryor and Blanche Lincoln, voted with Republicans to block the bill, likely because Blanche Lincoln wants her children to remember that she stood firmly against equality just before being soundly defeated in her final, desperate bid for re-election, against whatever even more repulsive, backwards, gay bashing bag of Earl Grey hijacked the GOP nomination now.

Go Blanche! You're an inspiration to all who abandon their principles, still get unceremoniously tossed out by mobs of racist white people, and end up as a big, fat, unemployed loser with nothing but a suspiciously dyke-y haircut to comfort you!

And of course, special kudos to ancient fossil and everyone's favorite bigoted, senile grandfather John McCain, whose tireless efforts to ensure the military is free of terrible gays, and instead filled with convicted felons, repeat offenders, and hotheaded airmen who skillfully crash their planes deep in enemy territory, only to get captured alive and wallow in a Vietnamese prison as a fool-proof(?) plan to get some real political power. By losing various presidential bids, along with his mind, integrity, soul, and tons o' Cindy's money along the way, for freedom!

Yes, the same John McCain who wanted to put FREAKIN' SARAH PALIN in the White House, is concerned that a gay man in uniform could harm the country. But a special needs moose as vice president? Ha ha, no worries! CUNTry first, my friends!

Sure, Gramps McCain might have lost the presidency of the United States, but now Johnny can take solace in the fact that he is still officially President of Keeping America Safe From Gay Troops, though judging by this latest blow (no pun intended), Obama may soon be taking that job, too!

So surely they will vote to pass this when that Pentagon review comes out and says gays should be allowed to serve openly in the military. Right??? Surely! John McCain especially. Someone might need to jog his memory a bit to give the old man a little reminder he already won the Senate election, so no need to morph into whatever racist homophobic nutjob he thinks will help him win in Aryanzona, just like last time.

"One can only draw the conclusion that this is all about elections, not about the welfare, the well-being, the morale and the battle effectiveness of the men and women who are laying it on the line in Iraq and Afghanistan today," McCain said.

Laying it on the line, not taking it from behind, got it all you fags 'n dykes out there, dying and/or translating Arabic before getting dishonorably discharged for not having the decency to the Republican kind of gay: in denial, undercover, or secretly trolling for hot man tail in airport men's rooms only.

Meanwhile, the wonderful straights of this country can take solace in knowing they are still, temporarily, allowed to have sex with one another and serve openly in the military, now that their god-blessed heterosexual marriage is totally less threatened by keeping courageous homos out of Army barracks and back in supply closets & storage containers where they belong.

So remember America: Be all you can be, except who you really are: a disgusting, eternally damned big ball of homosinuality who listens to Lady Gaga, when not destroying the moral fabric of society.

Or better yet why not just require all the gross gays to enlist, ship the whole sick lot of 'em off to Iraq and Afghanistan, so America can once again be the strong, strapping, fiercely hetero nation it strives to be, where a person will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character their partner's genitalia.

Because, here in America, when putting your life on the line to serve your country, the only thing that really matters is that you shoot are straight!

Ga-Ga-got it?

Is the Teabagger's Favorite Tenth Amendment Turning The United Straights Of America Into The United States Of Gaymerica?

The Jesus Christ moral patrol on the right and assorted other Earthly messengers of God are always prattling on and on about how wicked gays are sashaying across America trying to gay marry and gay soldier, and basically spread their gross gayness on decent, upstanding straights from San Francisco to Soho.

This aggression cannot stand!

Before we know it, sacred altars will be flooded with deviant tuxedo-clad queers, Army bunkers will be overrun with camouflaged-clad homosexuals singing Streissand in the shower, and Civilization as we know it will come to a sinful, screeching halt. If you think Glenn Beck weeping Vick's VapoRub tears is insufferable, just wait 'til you're forced to watch Glennda Beck crying "its" baby blue eyes out on the teevee every night!

It's true! I mean just look at terrible Massachusetts where, with one stroke of his gay-lovin' gavel, some rainbow-tinged Commie judge, Joseph L. Tauro, ruled that the federal Defense of Marriage law prohibiting Adam and Steve from tying the knot (to eternal hellfire?) violates the Constitutional rights of married same-sex couples to equal protection of the law, and reverses the big, bad government’s long history of allowing states to set their own marriage laws.

Err, sort of.

Tauro's decision doesn't actually force Real Heterosexual American States to recognize the ungodly sodomarriages contracted in the five or so gay hell states (phew!), but what it does do is rule that the federal government cannot discriminate between legally contracted straight and gay marriages, because according to the Teabaggers favoritest Tenth Amendment, only state governments get to decide what a legitimate marriage is.

Meaning gays married in the states that condone their awful gay marriedness can go ahead and file joint tax returns, receive Social Security and Medicare benefits for their same-sex spouses, and do all those other horrible, culture-destroying perversions on the wicked gay agenda.

Wonder how the 'baggers like them Tenth Amendment apples now?

But don't get too excited with your "blessed" state-sanctioned marriage-y thing, gays! Because the decision will almost certainly be appealed, likely when some closet case hiding under one of those "sanctity of marriage" groups starts wailing about moral fabric and/or the imminent collapse of society courtesy of activist liberal judges doling out marriage certificates to couples with the wrong penis-vagina ratios. In which case, it will then go all the way to the Supreme Court, where it will be inevitably overturned in a decision written by Antonin Scalia or Clarence Thomas (if he could write), while Samuel Alito and Chief Justice Roberts giggle in the background, poking each other, and arguing over who is the bigger "faggot." (Let's just call it a tie?)

But even if our Supreme Leaders decide that both God and our founding fathers (wait, you mean they're not the same thing??) never intended for marriage to be anything but the miserable union and sacred (soon-to-broken) vow of faith & fidelity between one man, one woman, and one Elvis impersonator/accredited minister in Las Vegas, there's still the other pressing issue of what to do with those pesky guys just dying to defend their country and the very freedoms not extended to their wretched kind, in the remote deserts of Iraq, Afghanistan, or whatever oil rich A-rab country the U.S. of A is currently dropping freedom on via bullets and smart bombs.

So, while the whole world awaits the results of the Pentagon's Don't Ask, Don't Tell questionnaire to assure the entire military doesn't collapse all because Sergeant Smith prefers his sexytime with Corporal Johnson, the gays appear poised to spring from military closets and barrack floorboards to spread their gross gay germs all over the pristine, pure American Armed Forces.

But first they must ask some 400,000 troops obnoxious middle school questions like how they would react if they had to shower or share a tent with a weirdo gay person (if we can even call them that).

Just to make sure they don't melt from all the hot, steamy gayness going on, or go insane, or God forbid, maybe even go gay themselves (gasp!).

*Click for Larger

There are tons more questions about how serving with an icky gay might (definitely!) negatively impact the lives of good, decent, upstanding straight-as-an-arrow servicemen who are simply trying their very hardest to spread freedom while making sure that freedom doesn't extend to spreading their own two legs so their burly bunkmate Jim can have his merry way with them.

Which is ridiculous because there is more than enough cootie spray ready and available to go around, should Don't Ask Don't Tell be repealed, and every gay and lesbian solider immediately starts raping the nearest same-sex being in brown and green fatigues, as is likely the case with these sex-crazed deviants.

That is, if there were actual gay people already serving in the Armed Forces, which everyone knows is currently 100 percent homo-free, just like the good Lord intended when writing about that whole freedom to have a well-regulated militia thing back in 1776.

But on the bright side, if the Pentagon decides there is no room for well-dressed men who like Broadway musicals, bright fuchsia gingham button downs, and buff, broad-shouldered brutes, I hear George Rekers is always looking to hire a few good men who know a thing or two about handling large, heavy loads...of luggage.

No questions asked.

Gen. Stanley McChrystal Turns On The Real Enemies: The Lame, Non-War Loving Wimps In The White House

Oh no-zees! Did you hear the wild, earth-shattering news broken by that liberal elitist rag for hippie-dippie stoners and druggie rockstars, Rolling Stone?

No, no not what Lady Gaga wasn't wearing under her latest hideous ensemble that fashion experts are calling some sort of "dress."

The one about that psychotic commanding officer of all U.S. troops in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal whose obnoxious, petty, schoolgirl statements to Rolling Stone may just have cost his skinny, traitorous ass his job overseeing our entire "Kill Muslims" operation in the parched desert mountains of Tora Bora. Crazy, I know!

I mean who knew Rolling Stone still existed as an actual published magazine, read by real carbon-based, oxygen breathing human subscribers!?!

Well, turns out one of their intrepid reporters was taken off his very important Kei$ha beat to go to bumblef**k Afghanistan to get the scoop on all those He-Man GI Joe military macho types running around huntin' for Taliban and Osama bin Laden while spending their spare time bashing the recently elected DEMONcratic Obama administration, and all the arugula-eating liberal pussies prancing around the Oval Office in their silk robes and bunny slippers who comprise it.

Especially that no-good, terrible, weak Commander-in-Chief, Barack Hussein NObama who was “uncomfortable and intimidated” during a meeting with a bunch of generals.

"It was a 10-minute photo op,” said an adviser to McChrystal. “Obama clearly didn’t know anything about him, who he was. Here’s the guy who’s going to run his fucking war, but he didn’t seem very engaged. The Boss was pretty disappointed."

Wait, Bruce Springsteen was at the White House??

Oh, you mean their Boss man, the "Runaway General" Stan McChrystal Meth, I get it now!

Ha ha, what kind of loser nerd doesn't feel completely relaxed and totally at ease around a bunch of hot headed, career fatigues sportin' AK-47s strapped across their chests, whose professional goals include trying to kill as many dark skinned, turban-wearing people as is (in)humanly possible.

Probably a big gay wad that's who! Not as "fucking gay" as say the prospect of General Stanley "100% Pure All-Beef " McChrystal having to meet with some pansy French government officer or what not, but still!

But that's not all the meany comments McChrystal's posse of strapping, red-faced warmongers had to say about top White House officials, who don't even have the balls to go around murdering people for a living!

Like National Security Advisor James Jones who McChrystal's gang lovingly referred to as a "clown stuck in 1985" or the administration’s Afghan-Pakistan envoy, Richard Holbrooke, who one McChrystal thug aide is quoted as saying: "The Boss says he's like a wounded animal. Holbrooke keeps hearing rumors that he's going to get fired, so that makes him dangerous."

Oooh, sounds sexy!

They even make fun of Holbrooke's boring, dumb emails who no one, least of all McChrystal, ever wants to open, let alone read! It makes him feel dizzy and then his eyes start to get blurry and it looks like he's crying. And he NEVER, EVER cries under ANY circumstance, you got that? That's for girls and gays, only!

And just wait til you get a load of the hilarious stuff they said about legendary comedian and current Vice President Joe Biden, who we were under the mistaken impression is positively adored by every human being living on this planet. Not so, my friends, not so!

Asked about his feelings on the war strategy emphasized by a military NOBODY like ol' Joe, which focuses on the border region of Afghanistan and Pakistan with fewer troops and more drone attacks, Gen. McChrystal scoffed at such pussy talk, struggling to come up with a solid one-liner that would really make him look cool in front of his subordinates.

"Are you asking about Vice President Biden," Gen. McChystal reportedly jokes. "Who's that?"
And then one of his equally funny aides says, “Biden? Did you say ‘Bite me?’”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG, GET IT?? Because it like almost rhymes, and also proves they don't much care for smarty bookworm types who think of war in terms of strategy and action plans instead of blowing sh*t up and shooting Muslim motherf**kers every darn, stinkin' chance they get.

But the real question now becomes, what the hell is Barry gonna do with America's favoritest, unstable "Runaway General" who talks smack about his superiors in the White House, such as the actual President of the United States, when talking on the record to reporters at national pop culture magazines?

Of course, one would think this might be the exact time to act like an actual, reasonable adult not a childish buffoon, especially with all the scary death and destruction that usually accompanies working in a nightmarish war zone hellhole.

Well not Mr. Crazy-Ass McChrystal, whose daily grind of sleeping four hours a night, running seven miles every morning, and eating just one measly meal a day makes him less of an actual human being and more of a terrifying robot war machine. Dare I even say, a predator drone?

So, anyway Barry is lucky enough to get to go mano-y-mano with this camouflaged nutjob and explain very calmly why he is being publicly skewered and privately fired for acting like a smug third grader with severe ADHD, and a disturbing history of torturing small animals, and probably babies too.

From Rolling Stone's Runaway General:

"The dinner comes with the position, sir," explained his chief of staff, Col. Charlie Flynn.
McChrystal turns sharply in his chair.
"Hey, Charlie," he asks, "does this come with the position?"
McChrystal gives him the middle finger.

A real charmer, that Stan! How can you not love this guy?

Hopefully, President Obama will decide to send McChrystal somewhere desolate and deserted, where they welcome dangerous rogues who defy their superiors, and live for the delicious smell of scorched flesh, smart bombs, and freshly spilled blood in the morning.

Wasilla?? Or perhaps somewhere nice 'n warm like Arizona or Guantanamo, if it makes him feel more comfortable and at home?

Errr, at least as comfortable as possible for a cold-blooded assassin whose only friend is a shiny metal tube and handle that goes "BOOM!" when you pull that cute li'l button sharing the same adorable name as $arah Palin's youngest and special neediest miracle of God, Trigger!

"Besides, the public eye has never been a place where McChrystal felt comfortable: Before President Obama put him in charge of the war in Afghanistan, he spent five years running the Pentagon’s most secretive black ops."

OMG, this guy sounds like a complete and utter lunatic! Quick, someone alert Michael Steele, I think we've found the perfect Grand Old Psychopath to lead the Grand Old Party back from the brink of extinction to a place they know and love so well: the brink of war.

But thanks to dovey NObama, there probably won't even be such a thing as war anymore.

Then what will poor McChrystal do for the rest of his twilight years? Join the Peace Corps and take up crocheting?

Ugh, and to think some people actually think war is hell! Ha, more like hella awesome!!

At Least Mark Kirk Still Wins The Coveted Award For Best Republican Impersonation Of A Moderate, Straight Man!

It's been several days, (weeks even!) since the last prominent, vehemently anti-gay Republican got outed as a secret, terrible homosexual. This is highly unusual!

So, naturally the time has come to unveil the latest member of the "is-he-or-isn't-he-a-secret-gay-hypocrite-club," Illinois Republican and military award exaggerator extraordinaire, the one, the only, Mark Steven Kirk. Hooray!

It's already been one tough week for poor, ol' Mark, who just the other day found himself in the less-than-admirable position of being forced to admit he never really won that super-exclusive, awesome Navy award he was always bragging about, basing his entire campaign on as concocted proof of his military prowess, etc., rather some no-name group award thingy no one's ever heard of or cares even remotely about. But good try, Mark, you were thisclose, thisclose, my friend!

Well now, Marky Mark once again finds himself in the umm, shall we say, compromising position of being the latest token Gay Old Party hypocrite who votes against the interests/rights of gay people, while secretly preferring his sexytime be with other, equally terrible, homosexual men.

Ooooh, this could be juicy!

Apparently, Mike Rogers, the Blogactive blogger famous for his work "outing" closeted, duplicitous politicians thinks Captain Kirk over here has taken one hypocritical step too many, in the wrong direction, and it's time to set the record straight (even if our friend Mark isn't).

Of course, this isn't the first time the dapper Illinois bachelor's sexual orientation has come under public scrutiny. Rumors about the supposed extra spring in his step have circulated since the Republican primary when Mark found himself the unfortunate target of his teabagger opponent's apparent knack for sniffin' out secret gays, as only a homophobic right-wing nut job can.

But it wasn't until Kirk's recent treachery against his fellow(?) rainbow brethren, voting against repealing the military's wonderful, discriminatory Don't Ask Don't Tell policy denying the pesky gays the coveted right to die defending the very country whose freedom they themselves don't enjoy. Yay!

So gay superhero, blogger Mike Rogers, decided to do some investigative digging of his own into the (possibly) pink-tinged preferences of Illinois Republicans' Great White Hope to snag Barack Obama's old senate seat and take back America from evil, no-good, half-black DEMONcratic presidents who may or may not be Hitler or Satan. Maybe even both!

Hmmm, good luck with that! As if an upstanding, moral Republican paradigm of beautiful heterosexuality would ever put himself in as compromising a position as being an actual gay (gasp!) trying to win an election by pretending to be anything but.

C'mon, that would be standard shocking!

Rogers writes:

Within hours of the DADT repeal vote I was contacted by two people who knew Kirk from his college days. "In law school in DC everyone knew Mark was gay," the first source told me. I explained that the information was intriguing, it would not be enough to go on. He continued, "But I had sex with him a number of times."

Well, now we're onto something I thought. "Could someone verify for me that you knew Kirk and went to school with him?" I asked. "Yes" was the swift reply. "Could you recall personal details about Kirk that others may not know?" "Yes," he said.

And he did.

The next source claimed to have gone to undergraduate school with Kirk. I asked for proof that he and Kirk were in school together and once that was shared with me, I met with the source. The source introduced me to a man whom had also been friends with Kirk in college. They both shared with me their interactions with Kirk, including one sexual in nature. The source who claimed to have sex with Kirk described personal details about the House, um, er, "member." The description was the same as the first source.

And in DC, Kirk wasn't all THAT closeted. You see Mark Kirk told me he was gay...It was early 2004 when I was at a social gathering on Capitol Hill. I'm guessing there were 35-40 people present, including the guy who brought me as his guest.

While the party was no means a "gay" party, I'd guess that of the men at least 75% were overtly gay. The others present were either straight men or their women friends.

It was at that party that I met Mark Kirk. I was introduced to him by the person I came with and at the time did not realize he was a member of the House. As my friend walked away, Kirk asked me if the man who introduced us was "single or attached." When I said that he had a partner Kirk replied disappointingly, "oh, well."

At the end of that interaction I walked away and didn't think much of it at the time.

The time of course being before Mark Kirk decided to sell his fabulous, Streisand-lovin' soul to the Grand Oppressive Party of dinosaur fossils and ancient artifacts en route to bringing (hetero)sexy back to the Republican party in Illinois by painting its senate race a nice, rosy right-wing red, instead of traditional, boring "Barry" blue.

"Now, for the first time in his congressional career, Mark Kirk really had the chance to stand up and do what is right with the power of a vote," Rogers writes. "When I heard that five GOPers voted to lift the Don't Ask Don't Tell ban I instinctively though Kirk would be one of them."

Whoops!

But don't feel too bad. When I heard Mark Kirk brag about the super-exclusive, highly impressive U.S. Navy's Intelligence Officer of the Year award all these years, I also assumed that was true.

Silly me!

Wonder what his arugula-eating Democratic rival Alexi Giannoulias thinks of Kirk's mysterious sexual orientation?

"Here's someone who has said he is against the repeal of DADT, is against the repeal of DOMA, and he doesn't believe in same-sex marriage and I just believe that flies in the face of what our important issues are...it doesn't make sense to me."

Well, Mr. Giannoulias, maybe that's because you're not a desperate, closeted queerball trying to win the nomination in a party of 100% moral, Jesus-approved, God-lovin', heterosexual purity.

Next time, perhaps you'd be well-advised to do a little more of what your rival Mark Kirk's so skilled at doing: playing make believe.

Like say, a "military hero" who's as honest and open about his sexuality (straight-as-an-arrow!) as he is his esteemed "service" awards.

No, not the Navy's "Intelligence Officer of the Year" award, silly! The "Tickle-Me Eric Massa Salty Sailor" award for outstanding Seamen Service.

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are...To Tempt Right Wing Republicans & Destroy America With Toxic Gay Blood!

On this darkest of days when freedom died all because evil, liberal lawmakers threatening to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell went ahead and did just that, voting 16-12 to let deviant homosexuals come ever closer to openly serving as an out 'n proud queer in the United States military, A Few Good Men are bravely standing up to this most terrifying threat to humanity since that gay Teletubby Tinky Winky tried to turn America's children into raging mini Eltons and Ellens.

A Few Good (straight, Christian) Men like the patriots and prophets comprising the not-at-all-tainted Family Research Council, now that George Rekers (who?) is persona non grata for hiring persona non straighta for an all-expense paid 10-day European sexcation.

So, now that all that's behind them (ha ha behind!), and the Family Research Council is once again seen as morally superior, mentally stable, strapping pillars of heterosexuality with nothing to hide, listen up America, and heed their warning!

For if thee liberals and socialists cast their vile DEMONcratic will upon the good, decent American people by repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell, the last remaining defense against the terrible temptation scourge of homosinuality will be felled, and America will suddenly be left to its own sexually confused devices, with nary a closeted right-wing minister to guide them!

And then who knows what kind of fiendish, depraved, cesspool of sin will become of the United States Armed Forces, once the DADT sacred seal of sexual purity is lifted?

Straight, petrified soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines getting fellated in their sleep, forcibly against their will. Terrified commanders too scared of being labeled homophobes to do anything about Sergeant Stripes gettin' grabbed, groped, or even Tickle-Me-Eric'd while stationed in some abandoned desert outpost in the middle of Afghanistan.

Pretty soon, the entire U.S. Army will be teeming with rainbow-colored gays, since all the straights will have already quit, out of fear of catching the dreaded gay virus of fabulousness and fashion sense rampaging through the barracks.

Well, the concerned, God-fearing minds on the Family Research Council and fellow freak fringe group America's Survival are not about to sit back (like a bunch of sissy fags) and let the liberal/homosexual cabal turn their precious U.S. military into a "terrifying free-rape zone" where "disease-tainted gay blood" courses through the ranks, threatening the very one woman+one man heterosexual fabric this nation was founded upon!

Sure, their "Asking For Trouble" video warning against the hideous blight of homosexuality may have been removed from YouTube and every other major, (liberal-run) media outlet because its insane, viciously homophobic perpetuation of stereotypes, myths, and lies demonizing gays has no basis in science or reality, but that's never stopped 'em before!

Who needs science when you've got scripture or facts when you've got faith??

Everyone knows that repealing DADT will lead to “transgendered individuals who want to dress up as members of the opposite sex and would cry ‘discrimination’ if they are not allowed to do so.”

Which may be slightly difficult considering both genders wear identical uniforms, but hey a person can dream, right?

"We are today releasing an analysis of publicly available documents which show that homosexuals in the military are three times more likely to commit sexual assaults than heterosexuals are relative to their numbers," FRC Senior Fellow for Policy Studies Peter Sprigg said, based on his very scientific "analysis" of pulling things out of his ass. "We believe this problem would only increase if the current law against homosexuality...were to be repealed."

"Taken together, these figures suggest that homosexuals in the military are about 3x as likely to commit sexual assaults as heterosexuals are." Especially the "most common type of homosexual assault in which the offender fondles or performs oral sex on a sleeping victim."

Oooh, like Rip Van Twinkle?

"If open homosexuality was permitted in the military, these numbers can only increase," Sprigg said. "The number of homosexuals would grow, the threat of discharge for homosexual behavior would be eliminated and protected class status for homosexuals would make victims hesitant to report assaults and make commanders hesitant to punish them for fear of appearing homophobic."

The next thing you know, straight soldiers will be tied, bound, and beaten to a bloody pulp all because they have the good, moral, kind of sex (missionary only!), not the going-straight-to-hell Adam and Steve kind.

"In a number of these cases the victim was sleeping or intoxicated," Sprigg said.

"Under those circumstances, their memory may be clouded and so the evidence may not be strong enough to stand up in a court-martial and actually prove guilt on a charge of forcible sodomy for example. Nevertheless, something inappropriate may have happened...and the victim will think twice about coming forth."

Think twice??? More like two thousand times!

Because then people might think he too is a terrible gay (gasp!), and nothing is worse than that, not even nightly anal rapings by his bunkmate to keep it that way!

Good thing retired Col. Dick Black, who served in the Pentagon during the creation of DADT in 1993, understands these sorts of things.

"We faced this when we started tightening up on rape," Black said. "Women were intimidated about coming forward -- they'd be called sluts or you know they hung out in bars or whatever."

"When it comes to homosexual assaults, if the perpetrator is allowed to serve openly, it will be the straight men who find themselves facing embarrassing questions about what they were wearing the night they were attacked," Black said.

OMG! Then men would be the stupid whores who "asked for it," instead of women, and everything would be upside-down, and life as we know it would be forever destroyed.

See, things were much better when everyone was allowed to rape who they wanted, and no one made a big fuss about it! Women wouldn't have to be embarrassed by testifying against their accuser, and run the risk of being labeled "loose" and men could continue having their forcible way with the hot li'l numbers begging for it by dressing all sexy-like in mini-skirts and stiletto heels.

"I think we're going to see the opposite direction when it comes to homosexual assaults," he said. "You've got typically a one-on-one situation and there would be tremendous political pressure placed on the victims to remain silent. It will be very similar to the situation we had with women 50 years ago when they were reluctant to come forward and report rape because they would be mislabeled."

And that was just slutty women! Who cares about those tramps anyway? But, imagine the stigma if a strapping young manly man had to step forward and accuse a fellow male soldier of giving him the business (while he slept like a li'l angel) after a drunken night at the mess hall? Just think of all the pain and suffering he would go through once people found out about his late-night male bonding bondage sessions and started calling him a gross gay?? It's simply outrageous! Is there any worse fate?

Other than being an uncloseted homo, of course!

Well, that, or a Republican. But then again, aren't they pretty much the same thing?

Minus that one tiny "closet" detail, that is!

Much Like The Dodo Bird & The GOP, Don't Ask Don't Tell May Soon Be Relegated To Museums' Extinct Relics Collections

OMG! Did you hear the amazing, Earth-shattering news? Barack Obama has finally given the ol' presidential stamp of approval on a compromise to repeal the Pentagon's wonderful "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy, which effectively bars gross gay people from risking their pathetic, sinful lives and serve in the United States military, like the rest of us normal, straight people not condemned to eternal hellfire.

For those of you who don't listen to Barbara Streisand while wearing camouflaged fatigues, "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is the horrible result of President Clinton's attempt to lift the ban on terrible gays and lesbians serving (openly) in the military, way back in 1993 when doing anything to help the dreaded homosexuals be treated like actual American citizens, likely meant the abrupt end of one's promising political career, even more than any secret Oval Office blowjobs ever could.

The whole premise of DADT is you "don't ask" if someone is a gay (like say your flaming bunk mate who prances around the barracks in high heels and a feather boa), and if you are a gay, you "don't tell" anyone your disgusting secret. This means, if you are really good at being all sketchy and secretive about who you are, and love using general, generic pronouns when describing the person with whom you share your life, you are legally allowed to get blown up by an improvised explosive device on the side of a road in Iraq or Afghanistan, in order to defend the very freedom you, yourself do not have the privilege of enjoying. So ummm, sorry about that?

Judging from this summary alone, it is of course very difficult to see how such a flawed policy could lead to rampant discrimination, marginalization, and severe psychological distress (and this is all before facing actual combat!). So naturally, Republicans are just in loooooove with this policy!

Fortunately, Republicans are now basically irrelevant, and Democrats haven't completely sold out their rainbow-colored compatriots, which means there's still a shimmering pink glimmer of hope!

Now that a good 17 years have gone by, and America has moved, kicking and screaming, into the 21st century, most Democrats believe that gays and lesbians should leave the collective closet and finally Be All They Can Be without being forced To Be Someone They're Not.

Even hardened, old military brass like Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Adm. Mike Mullen and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates think Don't Ask Don't Tell is a terribly outdated legislative dinosaur that should definitely probably be appealed. The question now being when exactly is the best time to let the queer cat out the brown and green camouflaged bag?

You may recall back in February when Staff Adm. Mike Mullen testified before Congress, saying, "I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens."

But turns out, even more troubling to these manly military men is how to plan the perfect coming out party for these loud 'n proud men and women soon-to-be sashaying, shimmying and shaking their frisky selves out of boot camp barracks and Army storage closets around the country.

And by big, bad coming out party, we of course mean waiting almost a whole year so military officials can complete their very important study to make sure letting GI Joe or Jane be their fabulous selves won't destroy the delicate morale of the troops, whose cohesion may just be hanging by a single, sexually straight thread.

Because everyone knows you don't want to just hastily rush in and uproot an embarrassing blight on equality and justice in one fell swoop. There needs to be order, discipline, and a slow, steady pace when righting an almost two-decades long wrong. It's the American way!

After all, the 1948 order for racial integration in the military took a whole 5 years to implement, and that was just plain ol' black people, which is waaaaaay less terrifying than a real, live homo in combat boots.

So, what we get is a nice ol' compromise: The Obama administration has given its blessing in the form of an amendment to the defense spending measure, which goes through Congress this week, that would repeal the policy. In exchange, the DADT repeal won't go into effect until Secretary Gates and Adm. Mullen complete their study to ensure giving gays the right to die for their country, won't result in sudden apocalyptic doom and the end of civilization as we know it.

Since the study is due to Congress by Dec. 1, rest assured that flamboyant, fashionably dressed, sexually deviant men and women won't officially start helping their fellow countrymen kill Taliban or capture bin Laden until sometime next year, at the earliest. Phew!

Not surprisingly, for their part, the Grand Old Party of racist old people and closeted white men secretly trolling for hot man-tail in airport mens rooms, has vowed to defend the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy—one which they originally opposed (oooh, does that count as progress??), and that scores of current and retired generals and admirals have said is outdated, ineffective, and compromises national security.

Those Republicans, always on the side of justice!
 
Like ancient fossil/living legend John McCain, who can't remember exactly what he thinks of the policy, but after a quick game of "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe" has decided that while the legislation is "imperfect but effective," "we should not be seeking to overturn."

Just like Gramps himself, as well as a certain one-time maverick's Arizona senate seat?

Or Indiana Republican House member Rep. Mike Pence, who knows, "The American people don't want the American military to be used to advance a liberal political agenda. And House Republicans will stand on that principle."

And yes, they do consider wanton discrimination against a single minority as principle.

Even if that principle happens to be thousands of dishonorably discharged, capable young men and women with valuable Arabic speaking and translating skills getting used to the feeling of a whole herd of dumb fat elephants trampling around on top of them until they can find a new, terrible group to discriminate against for political gain.

Too bad they already sent all the Mexicans back to Mexicanland or Mexicopolis or wherever it is those pesky browns come from.

Meanwhile, Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman (I-Conn.) and Rep. Patrick J. Murphy (D-Pa.), the lead sponsors
for repealing the legislation, vowed to pursue their goal quickly.

"It is our firm belief that it is time to repeal this discriminatory policy that not only dishonors those who are willing to give their lives in service to their country but also prevents capable men and women with vital skills from serving in the armed forces."

Ooooh, discriminatory policy that dishonors Americans while also preventing capable men and women from serving the country that they love!?

Sounds like the GOP just found themselves the perfect, new recruitment motto they've been searching for!

And to think, they didn't even have to go to lesbian S&M bondage clubs to find 'em!

Sarah Palin Wishes Barack Obama Would Love War Like A True American

Ugh, why can't Barack Obama start loving war like a real American?

A rough 'n tumble, real American, like Sarah Louise Palin, who understands America is only as strong as the number of civilians and non-combatants we kill with predator drones and unmanned aerial vehicles, preferably without either international or popular support.

Hello, this is America, home of the free and brave, not free and 'fraidy cat!

And sorry, NObama but one little war in Afghanistan is not good enough. NOT GONNA CUT IT, ya hear!?

Until Mr. Pussyfoot over here starts understanding we need to bomb MORE hospitals, MORE schools, and MORE unarmed gatherings of citizens like weddings and funerals, we will NEVER live up to our true potential, as the undisputed king of the jungle. The mighty lion, hear us Roarrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Instead, we're like little lambs to the slaughter. Bleat, bleat!

But, bomb, baby bomb, and we'll be strong like bull. Huff, huff!

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!!!!

Congrats, Gays! Now Slightly Less Than Half Of America Believes You're Going To Hell

Wow, America you should be swelling with pride. And by pride, I naturally mean the flamboyant, rainbowy gay kind.

That's because for the first time in the history of mankind and/or public opinion polls, less Americans think homosexuality is a morally repugnant abomination against the Lord than do. And it only took 238 years to get Jesus out of America's collective bedroom! Woohoo!

You see, for more than 30 years, a majority of respondents to the CNN/Time poll have said that a "homosexual relationship between consenting adults is morally wrong," while a minority have said homosexuality is "not a moral issue," proudly linking gays and eternal hellfire since 1978!

That is, until Presidents Day Weekend 2010, when for the first time ever, 50% of respondents said homosexuality is not a moral issue, and only 48% said that it was morally wrong. A small, two percent step for man, a giant leap for mankind's dependence on thousands-of-years-old scripture to determine the kinds of love God permits (one man, one woman) and the kinds that bring fire, brimstone and salt pillar wives (homosexuality).

Not surprisingly, the number of respondents calling homosexuality morally wrong has fluctuated since the 1978 poll, depending on a number of factors, namely which of God's chosen messengers on Earth is occupying the White House and/or if gays are being strung up on fences and left to die on the side of the road in the middle of bumblef**k Wyoming.

Back in '78, 53% of respondents said it was immoral to be in a gay or lesbian relationship, while in 2001, that number rose to 55%, likely thanks to George W. Bush's return to good, old fashioned American values like preemptive wars, torture, tax breaks for oil companies, Wall Street, big-time campaign contributors, and attributing 9/11 to God's wrath against the usual trifecta of sin: gays, Jews, and abortionists.

Other significant changes in attitude towards homosexuals in America include the very scary, life changing question of whether gay and lesbians should be free to be their fabulous selves when defending the very freedom they are currently denied themselves.

A whopping 69 percent, the highest number of supporters ever recorded for that question by far, said they favor allowing gays and lesbians the chance to leave the closet while fighting and perhaps dying as out 'n proud members of the U.S. armed forces.

Figures they would choose the one perverted, sexually deviant number when destroying the moral fabric of American society as we know it.

But, not all military brass are behind repealing the very sensible Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy prohibiting the ghastly gays from parading around the barracks in nothing but tighty whiteys and sunglasses a la Tom Cruise's Risky Business performance.

"I do have serious concerns about the impact of repeal of the law on a force that is fully engaged in two wars and has been at war for eight and a half years. We just don't know the impacts on readiness and military effectiveness," Gen. George Casey, the Army chief of staff explained to the Senate Armed Services Committee.

Yet, despite two old white men's homophobia and hesitation to embrace change, Joint Chiefs Chairman Adm. Mike Mullen has not budged on his opinion that the 17-year-old DADT policy is legally unconstitutional and morally reprehensible.

"No matter how I look at this issue, I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens," he said. "For me, personally, it comes down to integrity, theirs as individuals and ours as an institution."

So true! I mean imagine what the convicted rapists, armed robbers, and other violent offenders comprising our ranks would think if suddenly every Arabic-speaking queer with essential linguistic skills but no criminal record was suddenly allowed to shimmy shake right into their ranks?

What would that say to our highly impressionable troops?

I, for one, do not want to see the day when it's okay to be gay but shameful to have served 5-10 hard years for battering your ex-girlfriend with a sledgehammer.

Priorities people!

Be All That You Can Be When Forced To Be Someone You're Not

So what can we infer from this latest poll of braindead America other than the collective IQ of our fellow countrymen hovers somewhere between Forrest Gump and Joey Tribbiani? And that's being generous!

Well things are certainly much clearer now that we know America is all for letting plain ol' gays and lesbians serve in the military, as long as the dreaded homosexuals understand being 'all you can be' doesn't extend to their kind.

Heavens no!

Sure, a gay there, a lesbo there, everyone's happy and all is well in the world. No harm, no foul etc, etc. But throw a homo into the camouflaged mix and who knows what crazy rainbow-tinged mayhem might ensue?

The last thing America's armed servicemen and women need is an environment where those who are different are accepted, not bound, gagged and beaten to smithereens in a corner for being that one fag whose partner shares the same reproductive parts they do. Sickos!

Before you know it, you've got soldiers being honest, even tolerating (gasp!) the very same people entrusted with their lives.

So, after years of ignoring Don't Ask, Don't Tell until suddenly realizing there's no one left to translate Arabic, the military, at the behest of Barack Obama, has finally decided to repeal the sensible, decades-long policy that ranks rapists, drug addicts, and violent offenders well ahead of the dreaded sickness of fashion sense and fabulousness.

Which probably explains why, much like Barry, even the regular folk have suddenly taken a liking to those shiny happy people who were put on this planet solely for the constant amusement, and of course judgment, by their fellow citizens of humanity. And it only took 17 years!

In fact, a whopping 70% of Americans now say they support "gay men and lesbians" serving in the military, while just 59% feel the same way about the miserable "homosexuals."

Which can likely only be explained by people seeing the words lesbians and thinking "Whoa, hot girl on girl action?? Sweet, sign me up!"

Naturally, homosexuals fare worse than gays and lesbians in any scenario, but it's also the whole "openly" idea that makes people nervous. In the case of to closet or not to closet, just 44% favor allowing "homosexuals" to leave the dank, damp storage room that is their lives to serve openly in the military, while 58% favor allowing "gay men and lesbians" to loudly and proudly sacrifice their lives for country.

The last thing we need are a bunch of Ellens and Eltons bursting out of Army closets across the land, wearing their gay and lesbianess on their sleeves for all the world to see. What are we European or something? Ugh.

Why can't they just be ashamed of their sexuality like a normal person and go to any and all lengths to keep their dirty little secret to themselves?

What we need are more heterosexual heroes who aren't afraid to call out homosinuality as a pox on Earth, a blight upon humanity, an act as depraved and immoral as Judas himself.

Decent, god-fearing people like Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Charlie Crist, and Ted Haggard, who at least have the common courtesy to pretend they're straight, when not secretly cruising airport men's rooms, the ripe, supple Senate page program, highway rest stops, abandoned church parking lots, rat-infested warehouses, dark, garbage-strewn alleys, drug-fueled street corners, and the seedy prostitution ring behind the old, deserted Christian community center and bible studies class.

It's called tact.