The Jesus Christ moral patrol on the right and assorted other Earthly messengers of God are always prattling on and on about how wicked gays are sashaying across America trying to gay marry and gay soldier, and basically spread their gross gayness on decent, upstanding straights from San Francisco to Soho.
This aggression cannot stand!
Before we know it, sacred altars will be flooded with deviant tuxedo-clad queers, Army bunkers will be overrun with camouflaged-clad homosexuals singing Streissand in the shower, and Civilization as we know it will come to a sinful, screeching halt. If you think Glenn Beck weeping Vick's VapoRub tears is insufferable, just wait 'til you're forced to watch Glennda Beck crying "its" baby blue eyes out on the teevee every night!
It's true! I mean just look at terrible Massachusetts where, with one stroke of his gay-lovin' gavel, some rainbow-tinged Commie judge, Joseph L. Tauro, ruled that the federal Defense of Marriage law prohibiting Adam and Steve from tying the knot (to eternal hellfire?) violates the Constitutional rights of married same-sex couples to equal protection of the law, and reverses the big, bad government’s long history of allowing states to set their own marriage laws.
Err, sort of.
Tauro's decision doesn't actually force Real Heterosexual American States to recognize the ungodly sodomarriages contracted in the five or so gay hell states (phew!), but what it does do is rule that the federal government cannot discriminate between legally contracted straight and gay marriages, because according to the Teabaggers favoritest Tenth Amendment, only state governments get to decide what a legitimate marriage is.
Meaning gays married in the states that condone their awful gay marriedness can go ahead and file joint tax returns, receive Social Security and Medicare benefits for their same-sex spouses, and do all those other horrible, culture-destroying perversions on the wicked gay agenda.
Wonder how the 'baggers like them Tenth Amendment apples now?
But don't get too excited with your "blessed" state-sanctioned marriage-y thing, gays! Because the decision will almost certainly be appealed, likely when some closet case hiding under one of those "sanctity of marriage" groups starts wailing about moral fabric and/or the imminent collapse of society courtesy of activist liberal judges doling out marriage certificates to couples with the wrong penis-vagina ratios. In which case, it will then go all the way to the Supreme Court, where it will be inevitably overturned in a decision written by Antonin Scalia or Clarence Thomas (if he could write), while Samuel Alito and Chief Justice Roberts giggle in the background, poking each other, and arguing over who is the bigger "faggot." (Let's just call it a tie?)
But even if our Supreme Leaders decide that both God and our founding fathers (wait, you mean they're not the same thing??) never intended for marriage to be anything but the miserable union and sacred (soon-to-broken) vow of faith & fidelity between one man, one woman, and one Elvis impersonator/accredited minister in Las Vegas, there's still the other pressing issue of what to do with those pesky guys just dying to defend their country and the very freedoms not extended to their wretched kind, in the remote deserts of Iraq, Afghanistan, or whatever oil rich A-rab country the U.S. of A is currently dropping freedom on via bullets and smart bombs.
So, while the whole world awaits the results of the Pentagon's Don't Ask, Don't Tell questionnaire to assure the entire military doesn't collapse all because Sergeant Smith prefers his sexytime with Corporal Johnson, the gays appear poised to spring from military closets and barrack floorboards to spread their gross gay germs all over the pristine, pure American Armed Forces.
But first they must ask some 400,000 troops obnoxious middle school questions like how they would react if they had to shower or share a tent with a weirdo gay person (if we can even call them that).
Just to make sure they don't melt from all the hot, steamy gayness going on, or go insane, or God forbid, maybe even go gay themselves (gasp!).
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There are tons more questions about how serving with an icky gay might (definitely!) negatively impact the lives of good, decent, upstanding straight-as-an-arrow servicemen who are simply trying their very hardest to spread freedom while making sure that freedom doesn't extend to spreading their own two legs so their burly bunkmate Jim can have his merry way with them.
Which is ridiculous because there is more than enough cootie spray ready and available to go around, should Don't Ask Don't Tell be repealed, and every gay and lesbian solider immediately starts raping the nearest same-sex being in brown and green fatigues, as is likely the case with these sex-crazed deviants.
That is, if there were actual gay people already serving in the Armed Forces, which everyone knows is currently 100 percent homo-free, just like the good Lord intended when writing about that whole freedom to have a well-regulated militia thing back in 1776.
But on the bright side, if the Pentagon decides there is no room for well-dressed men who like Broadway musicals, bright fuchsia gingham button downs, and buff, broad-shouldered brutes, I hear George Rekers is always looking to hire a few good men who know a thing or two about handling large, heavy loads...of luggage.
No questions asked.