Stupid Is As Stupid's Taught:The Texas Two-Step Through History

Welcome to the Lone Star state, where everything is bigger, badder, and likely, beer-battered and deep fried, including the impressionable young brains of the good ol' boys and gals in Texas' already stellar public school system.

That's right, folks! Thanks to a 9-5 vote by the Republican-dominated Texas State Board of Education, the new, improved high school textbooks will now be rewritten from the more accurate point-of-view of Jesus Christ, white plantation owners, and other oft-unsung heroes typically discarded by the liberal, Jew-run media elites. Hooray!

After months of contentious debate and national controversy over making our portly neighbor to the South even more educationally challenged than it already is, the wingnuts, Jesus freaks, and secessionists comprising Texas' Board of Education finally passed new textbook standards that would make any bible thumpin', gun totin', cowboy hat sportin' Texan happier than a heapin' pile of BBQ pulled pork between two egg-dipped, butter-smothered pieces of Texas toast.

"The partisan board has amended or watered down the teaching of the civil rights movement, slavery, America's relationship with the U.N. and hundreds of other items. ... They dictate how political events and figures will be taught to some 4.8 million schoolchildren in Texas and beyond for the next decade."

Which means no more boring lectures about silly, irrelevant things like "civil rights," stubborn, lazy, old, colored ladies who refused to move to the back of the bus, or dumb dreams about equality and true freedom for all by some Doctor who thinks he's a King.

Finally, Texas schoolchildren can learn about what's really important: Jesus Christ, the friendly neighborhood gatherings of white hoods and robes, the Evil North's War of Aggression on the always-perfect South, the financial benefits of cotton pickin' slaves, and how America is the bestest, strongest, most perfect, God loving  country ever to grace the face of the Earth. Best. Ever!

Woohoo! 

Just like Republican board member Cynthia Dunbar always dreamed it would be.

"I believe no one can read the history of our country without realizing that the Good Book and the spirit of the Savior have from the beginning been our guiding geniuses. Whether we look to the first charter of Virginia, or the charter of New England ... the same objective is present: a Christian land governed by Christian principles," she said.

AMEN?

Err, at least once we, Christians, got rid of those pesky heathens in feathers and loincloths, painting their faces and passing around a peace pipe like a bunch of, uh, umm, uh...wild Indians??

But now that big, beautiful Texas is back to being in good, civilized (albeit blood-soaked) Christian hands, with its big, beautiful school board once again well-stocked with brilliant Christian scholars who understand humans descended from God sprinkled with Adam's rib, not some dumb apes in the Congo, and that slavery was nothing more than good business sense, the next generation of Texas' movers 'n shakers, future leaders, lawmakers, and professors will be well-equipped to face real 21st century challenges with a perfect blend of factual evidence and critical thinking.

During the months-long process, conservatives also have successfully strengthened the requirements on teaching the Judeo-Christian influences of the nation's Founding Fathers and attempted to water down rationale for the separation of church and state. If adopted, the standards will refer to the U.S. government as a "constitutional republic," rather than "democratic," and students will be required to "discuss alternatives regarding long term entitlements such as Social Security and Medicare, given the decreasing worker to retiree ratio."

Like get a job, poors!

But that's not it!

"The board has added language heralding "American exceptionalism" and the U.S. free enterprise system, suggesting it thrives best without excessive government intervention. It also required students learn to about the Second Amendment right to bear arms specifically, in addition to the Bill of Rights. And they removed a suggestion that students learn about hip-hop as an example of a significant social movement."

Does Michael Steele know about this?? The friggin' Chairman of off-the-hook, hip-hop youth is not gonna like this one, for reals yo! Dude's gonna be piiiiiiiiiissed! Wonder if he'll quit stay on as Chairman to really stick it to 'em.

They also agreed to delete a requirement that sociology students "explain how institutional racism is evident in American society."

Whoa, whoa whoa!! Racism, what racism!? All those "alleged" KKK round ups and public lynchings, Jim Crow laws, and segregation myths are nothing more than propaganda and lies manufactured by the liberal lamestream media (not to mention Barack HUSSEIN Obama!) to keep the Christian White Man down or feel "guilty" for nothing more than helping escort industrious young Africans over to the New World, complete with shackles and chains (at no extra cost!), without the added hassles of having to own anything...except four sturdy limbs for lifting!

A win-win situation all around, right?

Another clause says students must "describe the causes and key organizations and individuals of the conservative resurgence of the 1980s and 1990s, including, the Contract with America, the Heritage Foundation, the Moral Majority, and the National Rifle Association."

What about the national right-to-life Committee, the Westboro Baptist Church, and all the rest of the wonderful organizations doing God's work by murdering abortion doctors (baby killers!) and picketing slain gay soldiers' funerals with "God Hates Fags" signs. For freedom!

One of the board's most outspoken conservatives, offered an amendment requiring students to evaluate efforts by global organizations including the U.N. to undermine U.S. sovereignty, saying they threatened individual liberty and freedom.

Dang right they do! If we wanna bomb the bejesus out of some dumb A-rab nation (cause they have a lot of oil and once tried to kill daddy) and send the whole lot of 'em back to the Stone Age, then who the hell is the entire, stupid  "international community" to stop them? They're not God! God only speaks to born-again white American presidents who almost flunk college and choke on pretzels and distinguish themselves by driving around drunk and jobless well into their 30s, before becoming leaders of the free-world! Got it??

But all you Godless ignoramuses who didn't learn to reed, rite, and 'rithmetic down in God's country, aka good ol' Texas, probably wouldn't know nuthin' about it!

But if you think about it, I guess ignorance is bliss, because at least they (ivy-league educated liberals, Democrats, Socialists, Homos, Jews, Blacks, Mexis, Abortionists, and other sinners) won't know when the Rapture is upon us and they suddenly find themselves thrust into the seventh circle of hell, burning in eternal hellfire, screaming in agony, while Dick Cheney sodomizes them from behind, Michael Steele dances naked around a poll, and $arah Palin reads a passage from her new, bestselling book The Devil Wears Prada, winkin', laughin', and shrieking you betcha! until the Damned too repent for their sins and beg for mercy.

Hahahaha! Everyone knows real, Texas men don't forgive. They rewrite. Poorly.