The good news is that if the whole presidential thing doesn't end up working out for Barack Obama, America's favorite joker-in-chief may want to consider a career change, perhaps replacing a one Jay Leno as the undisputed king of freakishly large chins and late night talk shows that nobody watches anyway.
"I am glad that the only person whose ratings fell more than mine is here tonight. Great to see you, Jay."
"I'm also glad that I'm speaking first -- because we've all seen what happens when somebody takes the time slot after Leno," Obama quipped.
Oh hahahahaha, get it?? 'Cause like anyone who has to follow Leno's lame-o routine is as screwed as a Mexican in Arizona!
And that includes former mavericks who can't remember just who the hell they are anymore! Must be the scorching desert heat. Or all the hot tea the Grand Old Party's been sippin' lately.
Who knows?
Point is, Barry delivered the goods per usual, sharing some words of wisdom at Saturday's (Do I really have to do this again?) White House Correspondents' Association dinner, saying there are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love.
"Well, love and a birth certificate," Obama joked.
"I happen to know that my approval ratings are still very high in the country of my birth."
Ugh, liberal elitists and their sense of humor!
Truth is Obama didn't even really want to be here entertaining y'all tonight, until good ol' Vice President Joe did the usual whispering in the ear to convince him.
"I work a lot so I wasn't sure that I should actually come tonight. Biden talked me into it. He leaned over and he said, 'Mr. President, this is no ordinary dinner. This is a big "f**king meal!"
Naaaaailed it!
Obama did acknowledge his sagging poll numbers (not as abysmal as Jay bomb over here, or say, retarded former presidents), but down nonetheless.
"Of course I may not have had the star power that I once had, but, in my defense, neither do all of you."
But, at least, he hears he's still popular on Twitter and Facebook.
"Or as Sarah Palin calls it, socialized media," he said.
That, or the only real job she's ever had.
On the subject of unqualified, attention-hungry party crashers...
"Odds are that the Salahis are here," Obama quipped. "There haven't been people more unwelcome at a party since Charlie Crist."
Well maybe a black man carrying a correctly spelled sign at a Tea Party, but let's not get crazy here.
Speaking of hip-hop brothas in charge of a bunch of white people...
"I saw Michael Steele backstage…aka, Notorious GOP," Obama told the crowd.
"Michael, who knows truly what plagues Americans today: Taxation without representin!'"
Aww, snap, playa!
"All the jokes here are brought to you by our friends at Goldman Sachs. But don't worry: They make money whether you laugh or not."
Even better is if you happen to choke while laughing from said jokes, and keel over dead from the half-eaten chicken bone still lodged in your throat.
"You wanna know what really tickles me? Eric Massa."
Referring of course to salty sailor and former Democratic New York Representative Tickle Me Eric.
"Apparently, Massa claimed that Rahm came up to him one day in the House locker room, stark naked, started screaming obscenities at him..."
"To which I say: Welcome to my world! I feel you! It's a tense moment."
It's like you don't know whether to be scared-stiff or just regular naked-man-in-shower-stiff, which is almost as awkward as grown men having post-caucus tickle fights.
Or washed-up late night comedians following hilarious keynote speeches by charming Presidents of the United States.
"As you know, a lot of Republicans couldn't be here tonight because it is $1 drink night at the bondage clubs," Leno said, giving a shout-out to GOP party chairman Michael Steele.
"This has got to be pretty boring entertainment for you, isn't it? I know what you guys are used to. That was my favorite story: Republicans in a lesbian bondage club. Republicans don't want lesbians marrying, but they do like to watch them tie the knot."
It's What Jesus Would Do!
If the Son of God just so happened to be as into lesbian S&M bondage clubs as he was about spreading the Gospel of love, forgiveness, and compassion to the people of the world.
Besides, Republicans have always had a thing for nooses. Call them voyeurs, but there's something incredibly arousing about watching two sexy li'l ladies prepare the very noose the GOP will be hanging themselves with later.
The Grand Orgasm Party, that is. Can you say hotttttttttttttt??
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