Like A Fine Wine, Rick Perry's Complex Nutty Tones Ripen With Age

Texas Two-Step: Right, Righter, Rightest

Everything's bigger in Texas, including the level of insanity in this year's GOP primary, with incumbent Governor and current beautifully-coiffed captain of the runaway Republican crazy train Rick Perry locked in a bloody battle against boring, old, Socialist health care lovin' Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson and surprise, new spicy teabag o' freedom, certifiable lunatic Debra Medina, who is in no way a dirty Mexican like her name would suggest. In fact, she'd like to round up the whole smelly lot and ship 'em off somewhere terrible like the Godless North.

Sure, no one has a job, health care, or even four walls and roof to call their own, but here in the great state of Texas, residents care about important, everyday things like seceding the hell out of this terrible Union, keeping creationism in our schools (none of that crazy monkey theory!), and of course figuring out which evil conspirator, be it gay, Jew, or public servant, is really responsible for the terrorist attacks of 9/11.

Ah yes, the furious fight for the future of the Grand Old Party in Grand Old Texas is quickly turning into a spectacle of Jerry Springer proportion, with Perry, Hutchinson, and Medusa Medina battling it out in a no-holds barred battle between the dapper, well-groomed far-right, the boring, sensible center-right, and the crackhead Wingnut-right, respectively, for the oversized heart of the confederacy, the one and only Republic of Texas.

But when the dust settles and the blazing sun sinks low on the horizon, which of these contenders will rise in glorious victory to become the next double-sized, extra thick toast of Texas?

Front-runner, incumbent Gov. Slick Rick Perry is already the longest-serving governor in Texas history, having inherited the post as a goodbye gift from that other Texas stud George W. Bush after he was democratically elected(?) to bring his savvy brand of law and order (like executing retarded people) to the cesspool of liberalism and homosexuality known as mainland U.S.A.

Of course, Perry wasn't always riding high atop the decaffeinated, spice 'n herb wave of hysteria sweeping across the Texas Plains. In fact, he was actually losing to his bleeding-heart rival Kay Bailey Hutchinson before cementing his status as the new folk hero of the right by flirting with such fan favorites as scramming the hell out of this God-awful union and ensuring the good Lone Star boys 'n gals continue to set the standard in education with their sound, scientific belief that "humans and dinosaurs lived at the same time" and healthy skepticism of such liberal hullabaloo as "humans developed from earlier species." (Unless of course 'humans' really means women and 'earlier species' is another way of saying Adam's rib).

Which brings us to Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson, whose fiscal conservatism coupled with a centrist approach to social issues like abortion, helped make her among the most popular political figures in the state. That is, until the great Tea Revolution of 2008, when throngs of uneducated men and women wearing 'Jesus Saves' t-shirts collectively lost their minds over the ominous black takeover of the once-pure White House, and Miss Kay Bailey suddenly found herself as electable as a homo-friendly, Christ-killing, Jewish cowboy singer-gone-Independent by the name of Kinky Friedman.

Despite endorsements from such conservative Lone Star luminaries as George and Barbara Bush and former Vice President Dick Cheney (kiss of death?), the 66-year-old senior senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson's fate as an elite Washington insider with wacky new-age ideas like a woman's right to choose and the evolution of man was effectively sealed, along with any and all chance of moving into the Governor's mansion.

Then, there is dark horse teabag darling, nurse-turned-nut, Debra Medina, whose gun-crazed, Jesus-obsessed, bloody secessionist war-cryin', anti-government, immigrant, gay, and non-white male hostile rhetoric enabled her to slip into the tiny vacuum that existed to Perry's right.

Of course, the fact that the woman is clinically insane and proudly aligns herself with 9/11 Truthers, Dentist-Realtor-Attorney Orly Taitz's Birthers crew, and the freakshow Oath Keepers is no problem to the good ol' boys in Texas. Until she made the unforgivable mistake of finding herself on the wrong side of Glenn Beck's good graces during an on-air confrontation and thus on the wrong side of Right.

The Right side of which just so happens to come in the form of the only non-elitist, Washington outsider INCUMBENT governor Rick "Yes, you can be conservative and metrosexual" Perry, whose fearless re-election crusade against the federal government's "oppressive interference with the affairs of our state" apparently does not include the roughly $67 billion (or 37 percent of all Texas state funds) that actually come from said socialist federal government.

Only charismatic black comrade's-in-chief who somehow weaseled their skinny, illegal li'l behinds right to the top of it.

Much like the first War of Northern Aggression.

Houston We Have a Problem: Annise Parker to be First Openly Gay Mayor in City History

Holy flaming cannoli! After stinging defeats in Maine and that godless cesspool New York, it seemed those feisty gays would be condemned to eternally wander, cold and alone, with nary a constitutional protection to call their own.

But then like a beautiful rainbow after the storm, a glimmer of light broke through the dark menacing clouds, and there, deep in the Red-blooded heart of Texas, history was made.

Much like its fellow unlikely Defender of Queer, Iowa, America's fourth-largest city, Houston, figured why the hell not join the progress party and elect their very own gay to public office. For fun!

Despite the double edged-sword of being both a woman and a sinful lesbian in a state not known to be particularly fond of either, City controller Annise Parker handily defeated her Democratic challenger, former city attorney Gene Locke, 53 percent to 47 percent, to claim victory as the first openly gay (and second openly female) mayor in Houston's history.

Other cities such as Providence, Rhode Island, and Portland, Oregon, have picked openly gay mayors, but they don't really count since neither state has ever prided themselves on being a bunch of homophobic racists hellbent on seceding from the God-awful Union of sin called America. Turns out, ignorance, bigotry and deep-seated aversion to change does bring with it certain advantages.

Like making it extra special when the very city that just a few years ago rejected offering benefits to same-sex partners of city workers, in a state that already banned gay marriage, suddenly votes to elect a member of this dreaded species into power as its fabulous new mayor.

"There's a certain segment of Houston, there's a certain segment of society that has problems with the issues around sexual orientation," 53-year-old Annise Parker said. "But the citizens of Houston have elected me six consecutive times to public office. They know me, they trust me."

"Houston is a multiracial, multicultural, international city. And I think my election will send a message to the world that Houston is a city that might surprise a lot of folks."

“Tonight the voters of Houston have opened the door to history," Parker said, standing by her partner of 19 years, Kathy Hubbard, and their three adopted children. "I acknowledge that. I embrace that. I know what this win means to many of us who never thought we could achieve high office."

"I have always stood up for the fact that I am gay. It's part of the resume that I bring to the table, but it's just a piece of the package," she said.

The real problem isn't the fact that this proud Texan's a Democrat, woman, or even a gay. But something much, much worse: a Rice alum (gasp!).

Which effectively means the Republic of Texas' days of being the reliable outpost of backwards-thinking cowboys, confederates, and Jesus freak secessionists we've come to know and laugh at, are officially on life support.

Guess Grandma isn't the only one who needs to be worried about plug-pulling death squads.

Rick Perry's Riding The Republican Crazy Train Right Off The Tracks

Hey look kids, its batsh*t crazy Governor of Texas Rick "I'm not a homosexual" Perry! You remember ol' Rick don't you? The beautifully-coiffed leader of Texas' secessionist movement and frequent special guest at many a Nazi teabagger rally to protest Comrade Barry's destruction of these beautiful United States.

Now, under normal circumstances, Gov. Perry isn't exactly what you'd call a friend to progress, or rational thought for that matter. But in the face of his upcoming gubernatorial primary against Kay Bailey Hutchinson, the man known affectionately as The Hair (sorry, Blago!) has officially hopped aboard the Republican crazy train. Full steam ahead!

In between wandering around the vast wilds of Texas trying to appeal to the lowest common denominator (you can usually find 'em wearing crotch-hugging jeans, a grease-stained bandana, and an "I Love Jesus" t-shirt), Slick Rick has pretty much lost his freakin' mind!

You see, Rick clearly just loves his state and his Confederacy country too much to let some swarthy man with a funny name and winning smile who's hellbent on Socialism turn this bountiful land into some Soviet wasteland.

As he explained to the lovely ladies at Midland County Republican Women's Luncheon:

"This administration, I think, is past doesn’t care about Texas — I think this administration is interested in punishing Texas…" (Eh, we'll just give you Bush back and call it even. Besides, another four years of Gov. Perry should do the trick.)

"I think it’s time to stand up. I say it’s time to make Tea Parties twice as big as what they were. I think it’s time for us to stand up and say [unintelligible] to Washington, DC, "we’re no longer going to accept that kind of stuff sitting down and being quiet." (Instead, we'll just shout unintelligible nonsense standing up!)

"This is an administration hell-bent on taking America towards a socialist country, and we ought not be afraid to say that, because that’s what it is…" (We ought not be afraid of calling them racist nutjobs either because that's what they are.)

"I think one of our greatest challenges and greatest works in front of us right now is to stop this administration in Washington, using whatever tools we have in our disposal…" (Like Hitler signs and graphic photos of Nazi concentration camp victims??)

"I am not bashful to get up and say I believe in the Tenth Amendment…" (Stop teasing us with secession threats Ricky, it gets our hopes up!)

"They’re talking about here’s how you’re going to deliver health care in your state…this is how it’s going to be…that scares me greatly…" (The nightmare of health care that's actually affordable--gasp!)

"This plan that they are putting before us will devastate this country and bankrupt our state, and if that ones not bad enough, go look at that cap and trade legislation that passed. You want to shut down Midland, Texas — that ought to be the shut down Midland, Texas legislation, not cap and trade. It’s going to cap something alright — it’s going to cap the economy of the entire southern United States."

Unless of course, someone can pop a cap in Barry's scrawny, socialist-lovin' ass first. Not that he would endorse such a move or anything. Violence is never the answer!

Just lightly veiled threats, inciting words and riding the wave of unfounded mass hysteria right into the governor's mansion. You know for Freedom!

There Will Be Blood...In Texas

The secessionist nutjobs (patriots of the Confederacy, former slaveowners and so forth) held a HUGE rally (like 10 people!) in front of the Texas State Capitol last week to show the nation how a Real American acts: By gearing up for a war against their sworn enemy the HATED United States.

But there was something decidedly absent from last weekend's "Sovereignty or Secession" rally other than brain cells: Gov. Rick Perry and his 70-plus pretend secessionist allies from the state legislature were nowhere to be found!

But why would the freedom-loving, secessionist governor of the second most populous state fail to make an appearance to support the cause he holds so dear: dissolving the God-awful Union?

Certainly not because he was, dare I say, embarrassed to be seen hobnobbing with such fine company. I'm sure Rick and Co. have a perfectly reasonable explanation for their absence, like not wanting to commit total political suicide quite yet.

Which means it was up to plump Texas Nationalist Movement leader Daniel Miller to fire up the crowd and give the people what they came for (besides seeing Fox News in real life!): to demand Texas legislators "immediately move for the restoration of the complete and unadulterated Sovereignty of Texas...or move immediately for complete Secession from the United States of America."

In the absence of actual politicians like Rick Perry, the protesters instead made do with Christian activist and deranged Gov. hopeful Larry Kilgore, whose enlightened policies include executing homosexuals and carrying out other deranged versions of the Lord's commandments, as well as Melissa Pehle-Hill (who??), member of the self-appointed "Citizens Grand Jury" investigating Barack Hussein Obama aka Barry Soetoro aka Obama bin Laden.

Oh, and plenty of tattooed bikers sporting Confederate memorabilia of all kinds, lots of older men in Texas flag shirts wearing too-tight blue jeans (complete with the obligatory crotch-hug), conspiracy theorists wandering around with various Obama-as-Joker, Obama-as-Hitler signs, and just enough cowboy hats, facial hair, and rotting teeth to make a normal person very uncomfortable.

"I hate that flag up there,” Kilgore said pointing to the American flag flying over the Capitol. "I hate the United States government...They’re an evil, corrupt government. They need to go. Sovereignty is not good enough. Secession is what we need!"

To which the patriotic crowd roared in approval, "We hate the United States!"

One Ron Paul nut lady chimed in: "We are aware that stepping off into secession may in fact be a bloody war. We are aware that the tree of freedom is occasionally watered with the blood of tyrants and patriots."

Or the blood of a handful of psychotic renegades after the evil US empire invades their new homeland, the "country" of Texas, obliterates its entire population, and levels the whole freaking place in less than a New York minute.

Southern States Love America So Much They Want To Dissolve It

North Vs. South, Redux

Red states are movin' out! America's cuckoo southern friends have finally tired of the snooty, upper crust ways of us northern heretics and have decided to press their luck alone, without us slave-hating states to keep them down.

First, it was Texas who threatened to secede from this godless Union on account of the suffocating tyranny of taxing rich people at slightly higher rates. That coupled with Barack Obama and his negro army's deviant plot to march into the Lone Star state to steal their guns and slay all the white people was enough to send the good people of Texas packing.

Much like the swine flu or gay-marriage virus, a brilliant idea like seceding from the union and starting your own crackpot Republic cannot be contained long. Which is why the proud states of Georgia, South Dakota, and Oklahoma wasted no time passing their own secession resolutions, declaring their state's sovereignty and freedom from enslavement by the Northern aggressors.

So congratulations to Georgia, Oklahoma, South Dakota, and of course, sassy ringleader Texas, for hearkening back to the glory days of the civil war by once again fighting the "conspiracy to create a single North American country" in favor of an "independent South unburdened by it's alien occupier."

I guess 143 years of captivity is long enough. And yet somehow it still doesn't get any easier!

Gasp! The Lone Star State Threatens To Go It Alone...

Texas Gov. Rick Perry is so fired up from Wednesday's tea party protests that he just might take his Lone Star state and secede from the god damn U.S. of A now that it's been overrun by a bunch of big-spendin' Commies!

"Texas is a unique place. When we came into the union in 1845, one of the issues was that we would be able to leave if we decided to do that...We've got a great union. There's absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, who knows what may come of that."

That's right America! Keep it up and you just might find yourselves without George W. Bush, tea party protesters who dress up as Jesus, patriotic taxpayers fed up with being "the Jews for Obama's ovens," and other assorted delights from the Republic of Texas, no longer suffering from the brutal, illegal occupation by the tyrannical United States.

All Class These People