It Wouldn't Be A Health Care Debate Without A GOP Congressman Tossing Civil War Threats Around

Nevermind the millions of struggling Americans whose lives depend on the health care bill passing, the best part of this bill--and there are SO MANY good parts to choose from--is all the casual talk of violence and chaos that will be incited by confused, not-so-bright teabaggers all all across the mighty U.S. of A.

Surely, such wild-eyed fear and widespread panic couldn't be a result of the Republican National Committee's strategy of lies, deception, and crazed cartoons alone!

But from what shining well of wisdom could these apocalyptic visions of doom and destruction be coming from?

Usually, when looking for members of Congress who are likely to make unhinged, borderline-disturbed remarks, we tend to rely on old standbys like Reps. Steve King (R-Iowa) and Michele Bachmann to get the poor masses all fired up about whatever terrifying element is threatening their precious liberty now.

But then like a bolt of lightening in the night sky, out storms Rep. Paul Broun (he's too classy to spell Brown the normal way) to remind the good people of America, that when it comes to Conservative Crazies in Congress, those blue-eyed darlings Steve King and his lovely Queen Michelle ain't got nothin' on this deliciously deranged Georgian peach.

Well, Rep. Broun is very nervous--panicked in fact, over the dark, chocolate-colored menace threatening to wreak Socialist havoc all across hardworking WHITE America. You know of what he speaks. For it has happened before!

"The War of Yankee Aggression," or the Civil War, as its known to normal, 21st century people who don't hate black people, coming this time in the form of a health care system that actually helps people live, not insurance executives live the high life. Oh, the horror!

Thankfully, the same brilliant soothsayer who warned of the second coming of Hitler in the form of a lanky, smooth-talkin' charmer with a sweet jumpshot, is on the House floor to foretell of the hellish nightmare to be if evil health reform passes. Gasp!
"If ObamaCare passes, that free insurance card that's in people's pockets is gonna be as worthless as a Confederate dollar after the War Between The States -- the Great War of Yankee Aggression."

Which is almost as worthless as an American dollar after the War Between Good and Evil--the great War of Dick and Bush!

Ah yes, in the unstable, deluded mind of Mr. Broun, not only is the terrible North responsible for not one, but two civil wars (thanks to that notorious Northern Aggression), but everyone carries a "free insurance card," right next to their "get out of jail free" and "do not pass go" cards. Naturally.

Except for Grandma, who shovel ready or not (sorry, Michelle Bachmann), is going six-feet under, no ifs, ands, or buts about it! And same goes for that li'l Trigger fellow whose only "special need" once evil ObamaCare passes is to be tossed in a shallow grave next to Granny, as quickly, cheaply, and effortlessly as possible.

Think of it as the Republicans' election strategy: goners, either way.

Of course, it is worth noting that if by some miracle of God (or Satan), combined with a hearty dose of Democratic incompetence, the Republicans reclaim the House majority next year, Sir Paul Broun and his stunning intellectual prowess will be the Chairman of the House Science Committee's panel on investigations and oversight. Yay!!

Which means the South finally thwarts the evil Union's unwanted advances, humans evolved from Adam's rib, not disgusting apes in the Congo, the Sun once again revolves around the Earth, and America assumes its rightful place as the bestest, freest, most perfect country in the whole wide world, just like God intended.

Let freedom ring?

Southern States Love America So Much They Want To Dissolve It

North Vs. South, Redux

Red states are movin' out! America's cuckoo southern friends have finally tired of the snooty, upper crust ways of us northern heretics and have decided to press their luck alone, without us slave-hating states to keep them down.

First, it was Texas who threatened to secede from this godless Union on account of the suffocating tyranny of taxing rich people at slightly higher rates. That coupled with Barack Obama and his negro army's deviant plot to march into the Lone Star state to steal their guns and slay all the white people was enough to send the good people of Texas packing.

Much like the swine flu or gay-marriage virus, a brilliant idea like seceding from the union and starting your own crackpot Republic cannot be contained long. Which is why the proud states of Georgia, South Dakota, and Oklahoma wasted no time passing their own secession resolutions, declaring their state's sovereignty and freedom from enslavement by the Northern aggressors.

So congratulations to Georgia, Oklahoma, South Dakota, and of course, sassy ringleader Texas, for hearkening back to the glory days of the civil war by once again fighting the "conspiracy to create a single North American country" in favor of an "independent South unburdened by it's alien occupier."

I guess 143 years of captivity is long enough. And yet somehow it still doesn't get any easier!