True Men Don't Kill Coyotes, They Crush Hopes & Destroy Dreams

Yeehaw, Cowboy!

Gun totin', fiercely heterosexual, 100% pure all beef patty of hunky manhood, Texas Governor, slick Rick Perry rarely feels what the rest of us non-laser-sighted pistol carrying losers call fear, deep within his chiseled, manly chest.

But there are times when even a rough 'n tumble, real Texas man like Rick Perry feels a creeping sense of dread, like, for instance, when a charming black man moves into the White House, or say, when enjoying a jog and suddenly finds himself face-to-face with a slithering, poisonous reptile-monster who just so happens to be the slimy bastard responsible for getting Adam and Eve tossed out of Eden. Wandering naked and alone, forever.

Of course, Texans, particularly male Texans, aren't normally permitted to admit these terrible feelings of vulnerability or express gay, womany emotions of any sort, except as part of a hilariously amusing tale about how said strapping male cold shot some dumb living thing in the head and left its pathetic corpse to rot in the blazing sun and scorching heat of the acacia-dotted wasteland he calls home.

Like some stupid, evil coyote who had the misfortune of crossing paths with the Texas Terminator Governor while he was out jogging with his daughter's dog and his loyal .380 Ruger loaded with hollow-tip bullets strapped to his leather hide belt.

"I'm enjoying the run when something catches my eye and it's this coyote. I know he knows I'm there. He never looks at me, he is laser-locked on that dog," Perry said.

"I holler and the coyote stopped. I holler again. By this time I had taken my weapon out and charged it. It is now staring dead at me. Either me or the dog are in imminent danger. I did the appropriate thing and sent it to where coyotes go," he said. (The Cartoon network??)

Perry said the laser-pointer helped make a quick, clean kill.

"It was not in a lot of pain," he said. "It pretty much went down at that particular juncture."

That "particular junction" of course referring to the precise spot where a certain locked 'n loaded state leader pumped rounds of hollow-tipped lead, and laid to waste an a mangy coyote hellbent on destroying dear leader Rick and his loyal canine companion.

And for what??? To satiate his natural predatory instincts and fill his belly with the blood and flesh of a famous Republican hero and his favoritest freedom-loving dog?

How dare he??

Perhaps Mr. Wile E. Coyote should have heeded Gov. Perry's warning: "Don't attack my dog or you might get shot...if you're a coyote."

Oh, so suddenly Mr. soft-on-crime over here refuses to shoot other non-Canis dog menaces like humans??

Buck up, Ricky! This is Texas, not the gay, pussy North!

"I knew there were a lot of predators out there. You'll hear a pack of coyotes. People are losing small cats and dogs all the time out there in that community," Perry said.

"They're very wily creatures."

Much like secret Muslim terrorists from Kenya masquerading as widely respected, wildly popular, progressive, half black, rock star-like Democratic Presidents. Who don't even carry concealed weapons when they jog.

Ugh, arugula-eating liberal elitists! Don't they just make you sick??

Good thing Laura Bush knows true men don't kill coyotes, they destroy entire countries instead!

In the newest, very important contribution to the literary world, former first lady and soft-spoken librarian Laura Bush's gut-wrenching memoir, Spoken From the Heart, hit shelves this week and is causing quite a stir with its juicy revelations...

Like that one time when Laura ran through a stop sign and killed her high school boyfriend, then slept through the funeral, and stopped believing in God.

Until another time, when she was a bored, lonely 30-year-old school librarian, and God suddenly reappeared in the form of a dumb, rich screw-up by the name of George W. Bush, luckily before that other time in Germany when Laura is absolutely positive someone tried to poison her and W with the common stomach flu.

Good thing God had other plans!

"Most of how I ultimately coped with the crash was by trying not to talk about it, not to think about it, to put it aside. Because there wasn't anything I could do. Even if I tried," she writes.

Kinda like what all of America tried to do following the eight year disaster known as her loving hubby, and divine messenger, Georgey Poo's Presidency.

But much like scavenging desert predators, man-slaughtered former loved ones, Heaven sent Icelandic volcanoes erupting in protest of health care reform, megaton rigs exploding in the Gulf, and other oily stuff we can't keep from destroying the planet, no matter how hard we try and forget our almost-decade-long cowboy nightmare, we just can't shake the terrifying sense that UH OH, THERE'S NO WAY TO STOP THIS!!

Almost as if the "poison" still courses through the veins of our nation.

When The Only Cure Is...More Cowboy!

Like A Fine Wine, Rick Perry's Complex Nutty Tones Ripen With Age

Texas Two-Step: Right, Righter, Rightest

Everything's bigger in Texas, including the level of insanity in this year's GOP primary, with incumbent Governor and current beautifully-coiffed captain of the runaway Republican crazy train Rick Perry locked in a bloody battle against boring, old, Socialist health care lovin' Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson and surprise, new spicy teabag o' freedom, certifiable lunatic Debra Medina, who is in no way a dirty Mexican like her name would suggest. In fact, she'd like to round up the whole smelly lot and ship 'em off somewhere terrible like the Godless North.

Sure, no one has a job, health care, or even four walls and roof to call their own, but here in the great state of Texas, residents care about important, everyday things like seceding the hell out of this terrible Union, keeping creationism in our schools (none of that crazy monkey theory!), and of course figuring out which evil conspirator, be it gay, Jew, or public servant, is really responsible for the terrorist attacks of 9/11.

Ah yes, the furious fight for the future of the Grand Old Party in Grand Old Texas is quickly turning into a spectacle of Jerry Springer proportion, with Perry, Hutchinson, and Medusa Medina battling it out in a no-holds barred battle between the dapper, well-groomed far-right, the boring, sensible center-right, and the crackhead Wingnut-right, respectively, for the oversized heart of the confederacy, the one and only Republic of Texas.

But when the dust settles and the blazing sun sinks low on the horizon, which of these contenders will rise in glorious victory to become the next double-sized, extra thick toast of Texas?

Front-runner, incumbent Gov. Slick Rick Perry is already the longest-serving governor in Texas history, having inherited the post as a goodbye gift from that other Texas stud George W. Bush after he was democratically elected(?) to bring his savvy brand of law and order (like executing retarded people) to the cesspool of liberalism and homosexuality known as mainland U.S.A.

Of course, Perry wasn't always riding high atop the decaffeinated, spice 'n herb wave of hysteria sweeping across the Texas Plains. In fact, he was actually losing to his bleeding-heart rival Kay Bailey Hutchinson before cementing his status as the new folk hero of the right by flirting with such fan favorites as scramming the hell out of this God-awful union and ensuring the good Lone Star boys 'n gals continue to set the standard in education with their sound, scientific belief that "humans and dinosaurs lived at the same time" and healthy skepticism of such liberal hullabaloo as "humans developed from earlier species." (Unless of course 'humans' really means women and 'earlier species' is another way of saying Adam's rib).

Which brings us to Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson, whose fiscal conservatism coupled with a centrist approach to social issues like abortion, helped make her among the most popular political figures in the state. That is, until the great Tea Revolution of 2008, when throngs of uneducated men and women wearing 'Jesus Saves' t-shirts collectively lost their minds over the ominous black takeover of the once-pure White House, and Miss Kay Bailey suddenly found herself as electable as a homo-friendly, Christ-killing, Jewish cowboy singer-gone-Independent by the name of Kinky Friedman.

Despite endorsements from such conservative Lone Star luminaries as George and Barbara Bush and former Vice President Dick Cheney (kiss of death?), the 66-year-old senior senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson's fate as an elite Washington insider with wacky new-age ideas like a woman's right to choose and the evolution of man was effectively sealed, along with any and all chance of moving into the Governor's mansion.

Then, there is dark horse teabag darling, nurse-turned-nut, Debra Medina, whose gun-crazed, Jesus-obsessed, bloody secessionist war-cryin', anti-government, immigrant, gay, and non-white male hostile rhetoric enabled her to slip into the tiny vacuum that existed to Perry's right.

Of course, the fact that the woman is clinically insane and proudly aligns herself with 9/11 Truthers, Dentist-Realtor-Attorney Orly Taitz's Birthers crew, and the freakshow Oath Keepers is no problem to the good ol' boys in Texas. Until she made the unforgivable mistake of finding herself on the wrong side of Glenn Beck's good graces during an on-air confrontation and thus on the wrong side of Right.

The Right side of which just so happens to come in the form of the only non-elitist, Washington outsider INCUMBENT governor Rick "Yes, you can be conservative and metrosexual" Perry, whose fearless re-election crusade against the federal government's "oppressive interference with the affairs of our state" apparently does not include the roughly $67 billion (or 37 percent of all Texas state funds) that actually come from said socialist federal government.

Only charismatic black comrade's-in-chief who somehow weaseled their skinny, illegal li'l behinds right to the top of it.

Much like the first War of Northern Aggression.

Rick Perry's Riding The Republican Crazy Train Right Off The Tracks

Hey look kids, its batsh*t crazy Governor of Texas Rick "I'm not a homosexual" Perry! You remember ol' Rick don't you? The beautifully-coiffed leader of Texas' secessionist movement and frequent special guest at many a Nazi teabagger rally to protest Comrade Barry's destruction of these beautiful United States.

Now, under normal circumstances, Gov. Perry isn't exactly what you'd call a friend to progress, or rational thought for that matter. But in the face of his upcoming gubernatorial primary against Kay Bailey Hutchinson, the man known affectionately as The Hair (sorry, Blago!) has officially hopped aboard the Republican crazy train. Full steam ahead!

In between wandering around the vast wilds of Texas trying to appeal to the lowest common denominator (you can usually find 'em wearing crotch-hugging jeans, a grease-stained bandana, and an "I Love Jesus" t-shirt), Slick Rick has pretty much lost his freakin' mind!

You see, Rick clearly just loves his state and his Confederacy country too much to let some swarthy man with a funny name and winning smile who's hellbent on Socialism turn this bountiful land into some Soviet wasteland.

As he explained to the lovely ladies at Midland County Republican Women's Luncheon:

"This administration, I think, is past doesn’t care about Texas — I think this administration is interested in punishing Texas…" (Eh, we'll just give you Bush back and call it even. Besides, another four years of Gov. Perry should do the trick.)

"I think it’s time to stand up. I say it’s time to make Tea Parties twice as big as what they were. I think it’s time for us to stand up and say [unintelligible] to Washington, DC, "we’re no longer going to accept that kind of stuff sitting down and being quiet." (Instead, we'll just shout unintelligible nonsense standing up!)

"This is an administration hell-bent on taking America towards a socialist country, and we ought not be afraid to say that, because that’s what it is…" (We ought not be afraid of calling them racist nutjobs either because that's what they are.)

"I think one of our greatest challenges and greatest works in front of us right now is to stop this administration in Washington, using whatever tools we have in our disposal…" (Like Hitler signs and graphic photos of Nazi concentration camp victims??)

"I am not bashful to get up and say I believe in the Tenth Amendment…" (Stop teasing us with secession threats Ricky, it gets our hopes up!)

"They’re talking about here’s how you’re going to deliver health care in your state…this is how it’s going to be…that scares me greatly…" (The nightmare of health care that's actually affordable--gasp!)

"This plan that they are putting before us will devastate this country and bankrupt our state, and if that ones not bad enough, go look at that cap and trade legislation that passed. You want to shut down Midland, Texas — that ought to be the shut down Midland, Texas legislation, not cap and trade. It’s going to cap something alright — it’s going to cap the economy of the entire southern United States."

Unless of course, someone can pop a cap in Barry's scrawny, socialist-lovin' ass first. Not that he would endorse such a move or anything. Violence is never the answer!

Just lightly veiled threats, inciting words and riding the wave of unfounded mass hysteria right into the governor's mansion. You know for Freedom!

Gasp! The Lone Star State Threatens To Go It Alone...

Texas Gov. Rick Perry is so fired up from Wednesday's tea party protests that he just might take his Lone Star state and secede from the god damn U.S. of A now that it's been overrun by a bunch of big-spendin' Commies!

"Texas is a unique place. When we came into the union in 1845, one of the issues was that we would be able to leave if we decided to do that...We've got a great union. There's absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, who knows what may come of that."

That's right America! Keep it up and you just might find yourselves without George W. Bush, tea party protesters who dress up as Jesus, patriotic taxpayers fed up with being "the Jews for Obama's ovens," and other assorted delights from the Republic of Texas, no longer suffering from the brutal, illegal occupation by the tyrannical United States.

All Class These People