Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Cure For The Common Conservative: Dr. Ron Paul, M.D.

The only thing that makes Republicans angrier than gays and black presidents combined is apparently every potential Republican candidate.

They can't even find a decent frontrunner to win a meaningless straw poll at Woodstock for Wingnuts, the Conservative Political Action Conference, for crying out loud!

So instead of a respectable candidate like Mittens Romney, who usually cleans up at these things because he's such a handsome Mormon and great at capturing the conservative spirit of acting like a complete a**hole, the CPAC crowd chose Libertarian darling, Doctor Ronald Ernest "Ron" Paul as their 2012 GOP nominee for president. Hooray!

Winning nearly 31% of the nearly 2,400 votes at the conference, Dr. Paul's literal vasectomy of perennial meaningless straw poll victor Mitt "Mittens" Romney, whose meager second place finish with 22 percent of the vote proved, once again, no one--not even a room filled exclusively with Republicans--likes Mittens enough to actually vote for him.

But what do they think of their shining new libertarian hero and foe of big, bad government, Ron "Less is More" Paul?

"When Mr. Paul's name was announced in the packed ballroom of a Washington hotel, it elicited hoots and boos along with applause. Although Mr. Romney won fewer votes, he seemed to draw stronger applause," the New York Times writes.

CNN added that a majority of participants "said they wished the Republican Party had a better field of candidates to choose from."

"CPAC organizers were plainly embarrassed by the results, which could have the effect of reducing the perceived impact of a contest that was once thought to offer a window into which White House hopefuls were favored by movement conservatives," Politico reported.

Lookin' brisk Teabaggers!

Of course, the biggest loser of the night (or winner by CPAC's 'everything is backwards' standard) was none other than world famous satirist, skilled palm reader, and fearless defender of special needs babies everywhere, Facebook guru Sarah Palin, whose pretty face was only enough to garner a patriotic 7%. But on the bright side, at least she didn't have to show up!

Too bad, we can't say the same about the rest of 'em.

The complete loser breakdown:

  • Haley Barbour: 1% ("If you see me losing 40 pounds that means I'm either running or have cancer." Either way, he's still fat, a loser, and not leaving Mississippi's Gov. mansion for 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. anytime soon)
  • Mitch Daniels: 2% (No relation to Jack Daniels, thus no one cares about Indiana's Governor. At all)
  • Newt Gingrich: 4% (Still not gonna run, still tweetin' like a MoFo. How do you say "What Do You Morons Not Understand About The Words Not Interested" in 140 characters or less?)
  • Mike Huckabee: 4% (What the Huck? Thought the 'bee was supposed to be a straw poll master, not bass-playing, occasionally obese disaster)
  • Tim Pawlenty: 6% (Who??? Even a cool nickname like T-Paw isn't enough to rescue this Minnesota has-been. Our aPAWLogies!)
  • Mike Pence: 5% (Who??? May be the No. 3 Republican in the House, but still just another Hoosier loser)
  • Rick Santorum: 2% (Still crazy, still not going anywhere, 'cept maybe a place that sounds like his name, and the walls are padded)
  • John Thune: 2% (As hot as Mittens, and by the looks of it, is slated to be just as successful, too!)
So there you have it folks. The 2012 GOP landscape in a nutshell. Emphasis on the nut.

But don't worry, we're sure Doctor Paul has just the cure for what's ailing the Grand Old Party!

Do Not Resuscitate?

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