Newt Gingrich Would Like To Wish You A Happy Valentine's Day By Ruining It Completely

It's Valentine's Day and naturally there's only one thing on everyone's mind: What hot, romantic, sexytime plans does ladykiller Newt Gingrich have for his beautiful, cancer (and brain!)-free third wife Callista?

Will he shower her with lavish Tiffany diamonds he can't afford? Will he feed her the finest chocolates from around the world? Haha, just kidding, everyone knows the only sweet delectables the Gingriches put in their mouths are made right here in the ol' Jesus-and-prosperity-blessed US of A, if delicious heart-shaped treats are still allowed in the vast COMMIE wasteland that is OBAMA's America.

But before Newt can do what he probably hasn't done in years, which is of course, to bed the alien woman he is actually married to, he must first satisfy his bloodthirsty lust to crush and devour anything and everything in his path, including flaming Godless liberals and their flaming Godless (*cough* Mormon *cough*) BFF Mittens Romney.

Like every other once-hope-and-love filled, now-toxic-and-grotesque thing Newt touches, his Valentine's Day well-wishes quickly transformed into his Valentine's Day massacre, aka, his new attack website, Liberals Love Romney.

There he points out all the little-known truths about how Romney and all his various liberal manfriends are all secret Muslim terrorists who do weird, secret homo things while plotting their ultimate dream of forcing every man, woman and child on Earth to get an abortion while masturbating with the holy bible.

Newt's got all the usual suspects, Barack Obama, George Soros, Saul Alinsky (gasp!), Al Gore, and ARGGH, OMG, wait, what is that weird looking thing next to him, oh right a woman. Gross, get that baby-producing, ovary-filled freak out of here before all the men start having weird things like feelings flutter through their perfectly stoic, emotionless bodies.

If Newt's lunatic site is any indication, looks like it's gonna be a lovely Valentine's for Mitt Romney. But what's about Newt's own heart-shaped box of love? Inquiring Insane minds would like to know! Warning: the following may induce nasea, vomiting, and an uncontrollable urge to rip your eyes and/or ears out of your head.

“What are you going to do for your beautiful wife tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?” a woman attending a Hispanic fundraiser asked the candidate. People in the audience hooted audibly.

Almost (but not quite) embarrassed, Gingrich looked around to supporters on stage and joked, “After that question, I need something a little stronger than water.”

“All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,” he continued. “And we’re going to have a nice, little private – I think the first time in a while, we have a private dinner, and just hopefully exchange gifts and, you know, reconnect a little bit, but she’s uh — “ Gingrich paused as cheers could be heard from the crowd, “You know?” A man behind him on the stage smiled knowingly.

Ummm, frigid as the winter air on the moon??

The candidate, grinning, held his hands up, “But I’m not going to get into — no more details!”

WHAT?? NOOOOOO! NO FAIR! Now we'll never get to hear all about the lovely, deliciously romantic whole suckled pig they feasted on before calling it an evening and retiring to their separate bedrooms to be with the one person they love more than anything else in the whole world: themselves.

Rick Santorum would be so proud!

Hey Kids, It's Gay Sex Time With New Hampshire State Rep. Nancy Elliott

America deserves to know a thing or two about the shining pillars of enlightenment handpicked by the people to speak on their behalf as their esteemed elected state representative.

Ladies and gents, without further ado, I give to you dedicated advocate of justice and freedom, New Hampshire's very own lovely State Representative Nancy Elliott.

Here, this fearless champion of equality discusses HB 1590, eloquently laying out her arguments to repeal the ghastly same-sex bill that just slutted its way through the New Hampshire state legislature.

And for a woman who doesn't seem to be overindulging in the sex department, she sure has a dirty mind!

"We're talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wiggling it around in excrement. And you have to think, I'm not sure, would I allow that to be done to me?"

"Would you let that happen to you? Is that normal? Is that something we want to portray as the same as the one flesh union between a man and a woman?"

Heavens no! Certainly not! The one flesh union of one man's hot throbbing love muscle thrusting in and out of one woman's slippery, juicy honey pie (as God intended) could never be the same as two men poking their swords in and around each others' genitals in some sick, twisted, unholy union of sin. Never, you hear!

Because this is what gay marriage is truly about people! Not love. Not equality. Not the freedom to choose who you marry, raise children or share your life with, but simple penis-vagina ratios.

Never mind that silly "union" nonsense. Everyone knows it's not who you love but where you "wiggle" your genitals that really matters!

Sorry, Mr. Elliot. Looks like the Valentine's Day surprise you were hoping for ain't happening this year. Or at least not from the wifey.

Good thing your secretary Kitty's idea of love is letting you 'wiggle' it wherever you want, even dirty "gay" places. Gasp!

Just like a modern-day Adam and Eve. Except in this fairy tale, substitute the Garden of Eden for the Royal Garden Motel.

K Street Cupid: Blue And Red Go Pink

When it comes to advice on how to be sexy and romantic, who knows better than the Casanovas on Capitol Hill?

Like Obama transition chairman John Podesta whose idea of a red-hot Valentines consists of a steamy evening at a Catholic Charity Ball. Then? Home to "spend some time with his wife." Johnny, you little rascal!

George W. Bush's former White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card has his own idea of a wild night with the missus: Dinner. Nice, quiet conversation and lots of hand-holding. Wink, wink.

Rep. Chris Van Hollen is throwing out all the stops this Heart Day. We're talking roses, chocolates, and who knows, maybe a little champagne. If all goes well, he might even read her part of the sexy legislation he's been working on. Congressional resolutions always get her in the mood. Hottttt!

But that's nothing compared to the wild weekend getaway Rep. Dan Lungren has planned for this V-Day. He and his wife will rendezvous in California, where they'll meet "two close friends" for a weekend to remember. Those crazy Californians!

Looks like these Beltway Don Juans know how to stimulate a few things other than economy!