Newt Gingrich Would Like To Wish You A Happy Valentine's Day By Ruining It Completely

It's Valentine's Day and naturally there's only one thing on everyone's mind: What hot, romantic, sexytime plans does ladykiller Newt Gingrich have for his beautiful, cancer (and brain!)-free third wife Callista?

Will he shower her with lavish Tiffany diamonds he can't afford? Will he feed her the finest chocolates from around the world? Haha, just kidding, everyone knows the only sweet delectables the Gingriches put in their mouths are made right here in the ol' Jesus-and-prosperity-blessed US of A, if delicious heart-shaped treats are still allowed in the vast COMMIE wasteland that is OBAMA's America.

But before Newt can do what he probably hasn't done in years, which is of course, to bed the alien woman he is actually married to, he must first satisfy his bloodthirsty lust to crush and devour anything and everything in his path, including flaming Godless liberals and their flaming Godless (*cough* Mormon *cough*) BFF Mittens Romney.

Like every other once-hope-and-love filled, now-toxic-and-grotesque thing Newt touches, his Valentine's Day well-wishes quickly transformed into his Valentine's Day massacre, aka, his new attack website, Liberals Love Romney.

There he points out all the little-known truths about how Romney and all his various liberal manfriends are all secret Muslim terrorists who do weird, secret homo things while plotting their ultimate dream of forcing every man, woman and child on Earth to get an abortion while masturbating with the holy bible.

Newt's got all the usual suspects, Barack Obama, George Soros, Saul Alinsky (gasp!), Al Gore, and ARGGH, OMG, wait, what is that weird looking thing next to him, oh right a woman. Gross, get that baby-producing, ovary-filled freak out of here before all the men start having weird things like feelings flutter through their perfectly stoic, emotionless bodies.

If Newt's lunatic site is any indication, looks like it's gonna be a lovely Valentine's for Mitt Romney. But what's about Newt's own heart-shaped box of love? Inquiring Insane minds would like to know! Warning: the following may induce nasea, vomiting, and an uncontrollable urge to rip your eyes and/or ears out of your head.

“What are you going to do for your beautiful wife tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?” a woman attending a Hispanic fundraiser asked the candidate. People in the audience hooted audibly.

Almost (but not quite) embarrassed, Gingrich looked around to supporters on stage and joked, “After that question, I need something a little stronger than water.”

“All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,” he continued. “And we’re going to have a nice, little private – I think the first time in a while, we have a private dinner, and just hopefully exchange gifts and, you know, reconnect a little bit, but she’s uh — “ Gingrich paused as cheers could be heard from the crowd, “You know?” A man behind him on the stage smiled knowingly.

Ummm, frigid as the winter air on the moon??

The candidate, grinning, held his hands up, “But I’m not going to get into — no more details!”

WHAT?? NOOOOOO! NO FAIR! Now we'll never get to hear all about the lovely, deliciously romantic whole suckled pig they feasted on before calling it an evening and retiring to their separate bedrooms to be with the one person they love more than anything else in the whole world: themselves.

Rick Santorum would be so proud!