Supreme Court Chief
And not just cause ol' blue eyes misses his favoritest mentor and surrogate pop George W. Bush, who handpicked him of all the lawyers in the land to become the new, non-ancient, unqualified, straight-shootin' son of a right-wing gun the administration needed to fill the big, spit-shined shoes left by William Rehnquist upon his passage to the sweet kingdom in the clouds. Not even!
But because of that terrible meany Barack Obama, who unlike Georgy pants, never wants to have fun or play in the sandbox with Scalia out back, or do anything cool like they used to when Bush was still roaming the Oval Office, looking for someone to arm wrestle besides Laura and Miss Beazley. He's already beat Laura like a million times, and paws don't really count as arms!
It all started when President Obama, in a break from tradition, called out the stoic black robes in the front row for their recent Citizens United ruling that allows corporations and unions to freely spend money to run political ads for or against specific candidates during his annual State of the Union Address.
"With all due deference to the separation of powers the Supreme Court reversed a century of law to open the floodgates for special interests — including foreign corporations — to spend without limit in our elections," Obama said.
"Well I don't think American elections should be bankrolled by America's most powerful interests, or worse, by foreign entities. They should be decided by the American people, and that's why I'd urge Democrats and Republicans to pass a bill that corrects some of these problems."
How dare the leader of the free world suggest Congress use our constitutional system of checks and balances to attempt to put together a legislative fix to rectify the Supreme Court's reckless decision to give Pringles, Coca Cola, Exxon Mobil, Doritos, and Mr. Clean more political sway than any poor schlub with a voting card but no corporate one??
Naturally, Chief Justice John WAHberts is crying foul over President NObama's horrifying decision to single out the recent Supreme Court decision to reverse a century of legal precedent, allowing companies and other special interests to spend as much as their greedy little corporate-branded hearts desire in our elections.
Apparently, Mr. Goody Two-Shoes Obama doesn't think it is such a good idea to let Uncle Ben (of rice fame) be able to spend the same amount as Ben's Uncle (of repairman fame) in deciding who gets to be the next U.S. president. Party-pooper!Of course, Captain of the High Court, Dread Justice Roberts believes anyone is welcome to criticize the court, and some even have an obligation to do so because of their positions. Just not the President, and not during highly publicized events like State of the Union Addresses when people might actually see the President belittle the good justices of the court, holding all nine accountable for their decisions affecting every citizen in the country.
"So I have no problems with that," Roberts said in response to a University of Alabama law student's question.
Except for that one robot-in-Justice-clothes, Samuel Alito, who protocol be damned, just couldn't control his petty human urges to protest being chastised by the president on prime-time teevee, and resorted to a Joe Wilson-like temper tantrum, complete with furious head-shaking and silent shouts of the words "not true, not true" in the hopes that someone would see the humanity obscured by layers of tight terrycloth and a deep disdain for the rest of the dopey public not bright enough to snag a coveted spot on the bench.
Indeed, John Roberts is shocked (shocked!) over how much the State of the Union address has "degenerated to a political pep rally." Which everyone knows is only permissible when it is Republicans doing the pepping.
In fact, Roberts doesn't even understand why the Supreme Court Justices have to attend these long, boring State of the Union speeches at all.
"I'm not sure why we're there," he said.
Of course, he could always go the Justice Antonin Scalia route and refuse to attend such things because the justices "sit there like bumps on a log" while all the attention is hogged by Mr. Hot Shot President.
And also because Scalia a total dick, second only to that other former vice presidential Dick. And as such, can't stand being around actual humans, 'cept that one beautiful reflection he sees in mirrors and windows.
Well, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs isn't about to sit back and let some mannequins dressed in legal drag say what is troubling and what is not.
"What is troubling is that this decision opened the floodgates for corporations and special interests to pour money into elections - drowning out the voices of average Americans," Gibbs said. "The President has long been committed to reducing the undue influence of special interests and their lobbyists over government. That is why he spoke out to condemn the decision and is working with Congress on a legislative response."
I mean why should they be held responsible for their disastrous ruling that rapes years of legal precedent, and the very democratic process this country was founded upon?
Just because they make the law, doesn't mean they have to follow it. Silly NObama, don't you know anything?
Like how their motto, "Equal Justice Under Law" really means "Every Justice Above Law."
After all, Justice For Life=Life Without Justice.
'Tis the golden rule. Unless they feel like changing it. Or doing away with it altogether.
That's what makes them Supreme.