Barackalypse Now: Teabaggers Lose Their Minds, While The Rest Of Us Get Health Care!

While our evil commander in chief rolls through DC with his tyrannical posse of limo-ridin' hookers, hos, and enough health care votes to go around en route to his victory party tonight, the really BIG news was that a couple hundred anti-Semites, homophobes, Neo-Nazis, and straight up Jim Crow lovin' racists loitered around Capitol Hill shrieking about how NObama is Hitler because he's always trying to help the poors get health care.

Turns out, Adolf Obama managed to convince neonatal crusader Bart Stupak and his ever shrinking, now-six or so strong, pro-life disciples that a nice letter saying "abortion is bad" (and ending the ten-month standoff) is probably a better idea than outlawing abortion entirely. So, good job Bart! Obama will indeed draft a sternly worded letter about what happens when ladies aren't careful with their hoohas, and you can agree to go back to complete obscurity except for those fleeting 15 minutes when everyone knows your name for being that one Democratic douchebag who loves babies in their mothers' wombs too much to care about the rest of us poor schmucks unlucky enough to be born.

But the freedom-fightin' tea connoisseurs aren't about to take a shovel to Grandma without showing the whole Fox News-watching world just how patriotic they can be by shouting "n*gger" and "f*ggot" at the evil socialist government, and its elected representatives for putting their grubby hands all over the good American people.

Which is why they're here to make a statement(?) about the beloved country they're so concerned about losing the second NObamaCare is shoved down our throats through normal legislative procedures by actual elected lawmakers.

"Kill the Bill! Kill the Bill! Kill the Bill! It's called Slavery! They are using you!"

And I always thought that slavery was when you own another human being as your possession, not when you're on the brink of passing arguably the most historic piece of legislation in recent memory.

Not so my friends, not so! Gosh, what else have I been missing all these years?

"Our country is going down the toilets really fast because our leaders are refusing to listen to us, they're being like tyrannical dictators."

Tyrannical dictators who won't stop 'til every last America is properly insured! Mwwwwaaahhaaaa!

"Why push health care on people that have with excellent health care? We have the best health care in the world!!"

As long as you don't get sick, fatty!

Besides, "It is all about bureaucracy and control. It is NOT AT ALL about people's health."

We simply don't like black people telling us how to do anything, let alone receive better, more affordable medical care! What do we look like idiots or something?

Just listen to the man wearing the Mickey Mouse wizard hat, wool scarf, and psychedelic tie-dyed shirt with a giant eyeball. He knows the truth: "the government can't run anything effectively and to think that they can run health care is smoking the funny stuff."

And judging by the get-up, this dude knows a thing or two about what funny stuff will do to a person's mind, not to mention fashion sense.

Speaking of minds...

"Three words: Not Good For The Country."

Eh, that's five words, but who cares? Everyone knows numbers are just another made-up government plot to fool the unsuspecting people.

So, what are some of the problems with the health care bill that Congress is trying to pass now?

"That's not a bill. That's socialized." **Shrug**

Ha ha, natives who can't speak English, adorable!

Okay, let's try this again: What are some of the things in it that you have a problem with?

"Oh, I don't know, I don't know." Translation: I can't read.

Fine, let's ask the nice, young lady in tasteful "I survived Roe v. Wade" t-shirt. She looks like she actually knows something about what she's protesting on the Capitol about.

"Yeah, that nice little death tax. Where they would rather send you a $50 check for a blue pill, an end-of-life pill, than pay for the necessary medical expenses."

Whoa, whoa, sex must be really bad for you to refer to that magic blue tablet that helps the hubby get hot for you as an end-of-life pill!

Maybe the guy wearing the impeach Obama (and obligatory Hitler mustache) sign can help clear things up.

"ObamaCare is euthanasia. It's rationing."

"They have a curve, where as you start out as a baby you become more and more important, 'til you get to a certain age you're not important anymore."

Hmmm, wonder why I never heard about this secret curve of death. Must be another liberal lie from the mainstream media.

And where would people find such horrors in the bill?

"I don't even know what's in the bill per se."

Or what that weird French(ish) sounding word even means, but I'll say it anyway cause I'm a teabagger and I don't need the tyranny of the English language telling me what I can or cannot grammatically say!

"Kill The Freaking Bill! Socialized medicine! Rationing! We don't want it!!" Grrrrrrrrrr!

Hello crazy lady, why don't you tell us about your "Ameristan" signs here.

"Okay well, to me he (Barack Hussein Obama) is creating Ameristan: of the government, by the government and for the government."

Why "Stan" though?

"Well, I just think that...um...just creating...eh, just um...there's been a lot, uh..." what's that word I'm looking for again?

Oh yeah, foreign! It sounds foreign, yeah, that's it! Foreign! Gross.

"We think the government should adhere to the constitution. When Barack Obama...I don't believe Barack Obama believes in the constitution."

Even though he was a constitutional scholar?

"Eh, so, they say." Just like they say 9/11 wasn't an inside job, Hussein Obama wasn't born in Kenya, and America really landed on the moon.

"It is against our U.S. Constitution, they way these guys are gonna backdoor this health care bill, it's not in...and I have a pocket of, I have a pocket, err, constitution here somewhere...umm..it's in the other pocket."

Okay, so maybe I just have a pocket, but that's not the point.

The point is the same hole Obama used to shove health care down our throats is the very same one that let the damn constitution fall out of my pocket in the first place!

So what would you guys like to see our health care reform look like?

"Tort reform! Tort reform! Tort reform!"

"Stop suing the pants off the doctors, that's why medical bills are so high!"

But independent sources say tort reform would only lower the medical costs by about 1.5 percent? What do you think of that?

Blech. Tort reform! We like AMERICAN cakes, not fancy schmancy European pastries!

Crazy guy who looks like the Unabomber in a sombrero: "I believe that Jesus, Yeshua, the Messiah actually in Hebrew, is our great physician. If we pray to him we can be healed."

Even for people who don't have insurance?

"Natural herbs and remedies have been found even by the Indians, and by the Hindus and by the Chinese to take care of a lot of our ills in a very inexpensive, affordable manner."

Tea for instance?

But, what do you think should happen with the 30 million who don't have insurance?

"I don't believe there's 30 million people that don't have insurance. There's always going to be people who need help. Always, that's a fact of life. There's always gonna be poor people."

Look, they said Hitler killed 6 million of them Jews and we all know what a crock that is.

"I challenge anybody to read that 2,000 plus page bill--the first one that came out and essentially everything they want to do is roughly the same."

Really? But the bill remakes, rather re-regulates the largest industry in our country and it is still only the size of a couple of Harry Potter books.

"Oh, hahahahaha! That's a great analogy because I think if we go into that bill, that's the kind of world we'll be living in, a Harry Potter world."

Where the evil wizard Lord Voldemort (Barack Obama) wants to enslave the rest of the powerless Muggles and it is up to brave Hogwarts like you, me, and the guy carrying the Hitler poster to save humanity.

Why isn't the media covering this?

Ugh, arugula eating elitists!

"We recommend Fox News. Fair and balanced, everyone else is on Obama's side."

Fox News!!

It's like real news, 'cept for dumb racists who don't like big words or smart brown people telling them what to do.

Like drop dead. Or get health care.