Bristol Palin Is Taking A Break From Her Abstinence Crusade To Be The Yo-Yo Ma Of Bad After-School Specials

Like OMG! Did you hear the amazing, Twitterific news about America's favoritest knocked-up, unwed teenage hero and world-famous abstinence crusader, the voice of an entire generation (no, no not Kanye!), Bristol Palin??

Turns out, the famous daughter of Alaskan legend $arah Palin was soooooooo successful in her very important public service announcement warning horny, young teens across the US of A about what happens when you, the bored daughter of Alaskan royalty decide to get drunk, whip out the hooha, and make maverick sexytime every time Mama's off huntin' liberals, or on another one of her get-rich-quick tours in the mainland, that Hollywood has once again come-a-callin!

And Lord knows when Tinseltown calls, you betcha Bristol's pickin' up the phone! Like, duh!

Fresh off her Academy Award-deserving sexytime service announcement warning poor people to pause before having abortions, THE Bristol Palin will make her prime-time Hollywood debut on the new show The Secret Life of the American Teenager coming July 5th.

Oooh sounds sexy!

And what better way to celebrate America's freedom (from poor dental hygiene and terrible World Cup goalies) than with another sublime performance by legendary teenage baby mama Bristol Palin on America’s favorite and family-valuesiest teevee network, ABC Family?

Judging by the wonderful clip pre-released to the public, this one's got Emmy written all over it. I don't know if there is a time limit (like say, a one minute cut-off), but if there was ever a 38-second masterpiece, this baby is it!

Bristol: "Do you have a son or a daughter?"
Bristol look-alike: "I have a son."
Bristol: "Me too."
Look-alike: "Um, how did you know I had a baby, (nervous laughter)...and, and you have a son?"
Bristol: "We're all teen moms...and musicians!"
Look-alike: "Everyone in this program?"
Bristol: "The program is for teen moms!"
Look-alike: "So I didn't get here on my own?
Bristol: "Haha, of course you did!" "You're the world's greatest french horn player and I am Yo-Yo Ma...C'mon, we have to get going."

I know, I know, mesmerizing! You would have to be dead or a zombie (Bristol acting?) to not be positively blown away by this superb gift of acting genius that Bristol and ABC Family have so generously unleashed upon the good 'merican people!

It is so patriotic and thoughtful of Bristol to educate the whole, wide world about teenage moms who are also musicians at music camp, and all the awesome, fun stuff they do (that is, once the little rascal slipped the hell out of the ol' uterus) together like raising li'l miracles of God, all the while making beautiful music that pierces the soul!

Of course, sweet Bristol had no trouble memorizing all those difficult lines, since "I'm Yo-Yo Ma" is exactly what she tells li'l Trigger (Tripp knows who his mama is) every day, when the lamestream media's not around to blow up her spot.

Speaking of blowing, too bad Bristol had to play some weirdo Commie Red cellist Yo-Yo Ma or Blah or whatever, instead of what she really wanted to be, the world's greatest French Horn player!

She could have really used the practice. Would have saved her a heckuva lot of trouble! Like 9 whole months!

Plus another 18 years.

Thanks To Discovery, Sarah Palin's Reality Is Now The Whole World's Reality!

When magical Alaskan wonderwoman Sarah Palin was first thrust upon us, the unsuspecting masses, by a senile old man in the final throes of his desperate campaign to stave off creeping dementia and (not-so) early retirement, our immediate thoughts were who is this breathtaking woman and where the hell has she been our whole lives?

Truth is, sweet Sarah was already well on her way to fame and fortune as the well-respected, bright, shining star of local KTUU-TV in Alaska, until her obvious lack of talent and brainpower prevented her from assuming the coveted full time spot as Anchorage's fan favorite anchor of the snowy North, and our lovely maverick decided to try her hand at the whole "politics" thing instead. Ya know, for fun!

So, after her brief stint as mayor of the abandoned, former gun factory and methamphetamine lab known as Wasilla, before coming thisclose to completing a full elected term as governor of the entire majestic snow factory and stalwart Russian buffer, Alaska, Sarah Barracuda is back where she always wanted to be: in the spotlight and well on her way to capturing her first (of many) coveted basic cable versions of a Daytime Emmy award.

Yes, this darling defender of both 'special needs' children and 'special' adults who scribble cheat sheets on their hand, has struck a deal with the evil, arugula eating elitists at the Discovery Channel to make a reality teevee show about the only Alaskan thing anyone cares about: its favoritest export, the one, the only, multi-talented maverick herself, Sarah Barracuda Palin.

Woohoo!

Now the whole wide world can learn all about the wondrous land of helicopter hunts and moose stew, where nothing comes between God and man except a fur-lined parka and whatever hapless creature (or liberal) happens to wander into the cross hairs of Sarah's Remington rifle, and ends up decoratively hanging on the wall of her home office.

Even better than this new, educational teevee show starring Caribou Barbie on a fishing boat, is the cha-ching! little Miss Conservationist will make for her small-screen primetime debut, meaning her patriotic efforts to help the nice oil companies "drill, baby drill" wherever good, old-fashioned AMERICAN oil is found may no longer be necessary.

"Sarah Palin's Alaska will center on interesting characters, traditions and attractions in the 49th state -- with the ex-VP candidate as a guide. Producer Mark Burnett and Palin pitched the show to all four major networks -- but given the travelogue nature of the series, cable expressed more interest in the project."

The show is believed to have fetched more than $1 million an episode--not bad for someone whose longest work experience consists of posting on Facebook, has a small habit of quitting EVERYTHING she ever starts, and not doin' so hot when asked actual questions, instead of relying on her usual repertoire of winks, snaps, and hilarious ghostwritten witticisms she had Meg Stapleton tattoo her palm before she upped and quit too! Those crazy rogues!

Perhaps also influencing her decision to choose Discovery over A&E (other than an actual contract), was Palin's concern over being lumped in with some of A&E's other luminaries such as Gene Simmons or Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Lest the public get the wrong idea she actually works for her money and has expertise on anything other than how to have your high school teenage daughter get knocked up, abandoned by her baby daddy (so he can follow his porn star dreams), and in charge of her brand new PR firm and abstinence-only education crusade about how you too can have your very own precious miracle of God drunken one night stand sans the jimmy hat.

Besides, doesn't Sarah already have her own reality TV show? Think it's called the news.

And The Academy Award For Best Conservative Actor Goes To...Sen. John McCain!

On this wondrous night of a thousand stars, when the most important people on the face of the Earth grudgingly agree to drape millions of designer dollars on their ears, wrists, and necks, while making their fabulous red carpet stroll to show the rest of the uglies in the world how much more beautiful, rich, and important they are than common, non-Hollywood schlubs like you and me.

Yes, Ladies and Germs, it is once again the annual, most important night in the history of mankind when shining stars and luminous legends of the silver screen remind the world why they deserve to be worshiped and celebrated by all of humanity, during The Industry's special gift to Earth, "The Academy Awards."

That very special night of Hollywood Movie Magic, where it is an honor just to be nominated, except if you lose because your name is not Meryl. Then you suck and everyone hates you. Or if you win and your name is Sean Penn and everyone still hates you because you cause too much trouble with your crazy activism, and say terrible, scary political things like gays deserve equal rights and it's nice to have an elegant black president, not an autistic white one, and assorted other liberal lies.

But with the glittering costumes, megawatt smiles, and all the lists and categories, titles and names, and best this and best that, it's hard to keep tabs on whose soft, finely manicured hands got to feel the golden warmth emanating from their very own glimmering Oscar statuette, as an official Academy Award (TM) winner. Yay!

While Hollywood anxiously awaits whether this year's coveted Best Picture Award will go to James Cameron's "controversial," $500 million, ten-hour mega-blockbuster about the blue man group from another planet, Avatar, just across the desert, and away from the bright lights of Hollywood, one politician is seeing red over being painted blue in a new online fundraising ad for Arizona's hotly-contested Republican Senate primary.

Sen. John McCain, who you may remember for his supporting role as the senile, old guy next to Sarah Palin in last year's presidential election, is once again outraged, this time over a new ad from his Republican opponent, former Rep. and current teabagger J.D. Hayworth, which mocks Gramps McCain by defacing his adorable mug with some sort of Avatar-ish blue warpaint and the words: "John McCain: Nominee for Best Conservative Actor" (Sorry, Ronnie!) in some sick, twisted, Academy Awards spin off.

Well, Johnny Mac and Co., do not find this Avatar abomination the least bit funny and are calling on Mr. Hayworth to immediately remove this offensive and insulting jab at one of America's most highly decorated, highly respected (aka still alive) POWs, John S. McCain.

"Ads like this have no place in the Republican primary, and J.D. Hayworth should immediately take it down and apologize, " Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl (R-AZ) told the Arizona Republic.

McCain campaign manager Shiree Verdone also blasted Hayworth, saying, "Ex-Congressman J.D. Hayworth should immediately apologize and and take down his latest online ad, which is an outrageous offense to John McCain's lifetime of honorable service to our state and nation, and insulting to Native Americans here in Arizona and across America."

Waaaaaaay worse than pillaging their land, raping their women, and forcing the rest of the feathered-heads to run casinos with cool, native names like Cherokee, Creek Nation, and Chinook Winds, so the white man has something to actually do in the god-forsaken desert, like pull flashing levers and spin colored wheels for money!

"Mr. Hayworth is welcome to debate the challenges facing our state and nation, but this kind of character assassination has no place in the Republican Party, and Mr. Hayworth should ashamed of his campaign for running it."

Naturally, being the rogue lover of tea (and freedom!) that he is, J.D. Hayworth agreed to alter the ad by putting McCain in "blueface"--more clearly making him look like a character out of "Avatar," lest the blue stripes confuse people into thinking 1992's "Last of the Mohicans" instead.

Responding to McCain's repeated requests to remove the offensive ad, Hayworth spokesman Jason Rose said, "We respectfully decline the request and would encourage Senator McCain to get a sense of humor. After all, if Sunday's show did have an award for best election year flip-flopping and transparent conservative conversion, the incumbent would surely win the Oscar."

Lol. They don't give the Oscar to old people! Gross. 'Cept of course to that nice, old, white lady who agreed to be driven around all day by that sweet, colored fellow with the cute freckles and soothing voice, before he was too busy running around with that crazy Joker who flew over the cuckoos nest, acting like madmen, while trying to fulfill that darned bucket list of theirs.

Sarah Goes Hollywood! Snags Swag While Shopping Reality TV Show On Her Favoritest Subject: Herself!

Oh Sweet Sarah, does your goodness know no bounds?

Sacrificing her precious time and energy to go to that terrible liberal cesspool Hollywood just to dazzle the Tonight Show crowd with the hilarious jokes she didn't write before heading over to the "Oscar gift suite" to scoop up piles of fancy clothes and cosmetics that somebody else paid for, and who knows maybe even get the guy who produced that Survivor game show to make a special reality show about her, Sarah Palin, to make even more money for, you guessed it, Sarah Barracuda Palin.

That's right, folks!

But first things first. Lest she be rude and offend her gracious hosts, Sarah must fulfill her patriotic duty as an American by partaking in all traditions Hollywood, like collecting even more free goodies she didn't earn or deserve. Hooray!

Palin and an entourage of 20 visited the Oscar gifting suite and "were like locusts" according to one eyewitness. "She kind of cleaned the place out, grabbing items like United Hair care products, jewelry from Pascal Mouawad, Skagen watches, and 40 pairs of AIAIAI earphones."

"She insisted every person in her huge entourage get something, and there were assistants, nannies, security - insanity!"

Sarah, insanity? No freakin' way!

Of course, darling, good Samaritan Sarah was supposed to donate $1,700 and all of her gift items to the Red Cross, but according to E! Online, "we can assure you she did not give up any of her swag."

Well, excuuuuse her if she doesn't believe in Socialism!

Besides, she's just trying to get her Kim Kardashian on to prepare for life on the small screen as the new star of her own reality TV show, The Alaska Experiment (We Now Regret).

Entertainment Weekly reports:

Multiple sources confirm that Palin and uber-reality show producer Mark Burnett have been making the rounds in Hollywood this week to pitch a TV docudrama about Alaska. One source called it a "Planet Earth-type look" at Palin’s home state.

Yay! Does this mean we get to see Sarah calling li'l Trigger a "retard" (satirically of course) while shooting endangered wolves from a helicopter as she gets her hair styled, and Todd hunts for moose on his snowmobile below, while Bristol and the rest of the Palin daughters continue to get knocked up and go on fun abstinence tours across America? Hey, whatever it takes to get the hell out of Wasilla, right?

Unfortunately, the elitist big suits over at the big three, ABC, NBC, and CBS, think the kind of low-budget reality programming she's shopping is better suited to basic cable, or wherever they air 'nature' shows starring psycho wingnuts who rape Mother Earth (drill, baby drill!) and know tasty sentient beings were created for our barbecuing pleasure because, "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?"

Now how you gonna argue with brilliance like that?

Besides, she'll just quit halfway through the first season. She's so rogue like that.

Meghan McCain Can't Understand Why Hollywood Doesn't See War as Playful Romp Through Gum Drop Forest

Meghan McCain is very upset. And this time, it's not even 'cause of a bad hair day or 'cause everyone is talking about her bountiful breasts which she took a picture of and posted on Twitter because she loves America that much. Nope, not even close. This time it's even worse: Hollywood.

Meggy just doesn't understand why the stars and elitists over in Hollywood hate our troops so much. She, for one, adores them. They're so cute, cuddly and heroic, how could you not just wanna squeeze 'em and kiss 'em?

Which is why she is terribly upset, no make that outraged, that the new Tobey Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, Natalie Portman film "Brothers" she saw over the weekend about a Marine serving in Afghanistan didn't portray our war heroes as realistically as you'd expect from a big Hollywood Blockbuster.

Meghan asked her mother Cindy if she would come see the movie with her, but naturally Cindy said "she didn't want to give any money to a movie in which the preview showed the soldier coming back home and waving a gun at his family in their driveway." Hits too close to home or something.

I mean how ridiculous is that? Such obscene things would never happen. If anything, he would just divorce his now crippled wife and leave his old family for a fresh start with a much younger, richer blond heiress who still has use of her legs.

While Meghan was also deeply disturbed by the preview, her curiosity about Hollywood's take on our soldiers and the current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan triumphed and Meggy was forced to endure "Brothers" all by her lonesome.

This is where the plot thickens my friends! So Megs and her popcorn are just chilling at the theater waiting to see what crazy perversion of war Hollywood's come up with now. Like showing our soldiers as deserters or whackjobs instead of the perfect specimens of humanity Meghan knows they really are.

In Brothers, not only does one of the Marines captured by the Taliban actually say that he "realized we shouldn’t be there," but Maguire’s character Sam beats a fellow soldier to death with a lead pipe. Sam then returns home to his family and goes AWOL trying to kill both his wife and his brother.

Can you believe the nerve of these Hollywood hotshots, portraying soldiers as real human beings with feelings whose experience in war is sometimes so traumatic that they actually have trouble readjusting to civilian life afterward?

Well, Megan cannot.

"I don’t care if every producer, director, and screenwriter in Hollywood is against the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq (and presumably most are), what offends me is the portrayal of soldiers as cowards and lunatics—driven to such lengths that they come home and try to kill their families," Meghan writes.

"Obviously, post-traumatic stress disorder has become more prevalent in the military and clearly this is a problem that needs to be seriously addressed. But I believe these films add to the damage when they portray soldiers as disloyal, unwilling to serve, and against the missions themselves. In my experience, this couldn’t be further from the truth."

After all, she is the daughter of a onetime POW turned politician, so she knows everything there is to know about war.

In other words, Meghan knows post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) exists and all, but still doesn't understand why we have to focus on the "ugly" side of war, when everyone knows war is mostly about having a good time and also shooting some people.

"How many deserters do you actually hear about on the news? Not very many. Unfortunately, the thousands of stories about heroism and courage that could be told about our soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan are not in the interest of many Hollywood filmmakers, and so a real disservice is being done to these troops. These films only perpetuate negative stereotypes about soldiers and the military. At a time when support for the war in Afghanistan is dividing this country, I simply don’t understand why Hollywood insists on portraying our soldiers in such a negative light. If Vietnam taught us anything, it was hate the war, love the warrior."

Right on Meggy! Hate the war but love the warrior. By sending them to die in some proxy war in the Vietnamese jungle (or mountainous desert terrain). And if they're "brave" enough to actually come back in one piece, don't provide them with any mental and or physical support for their injuries or sacrifices. But whatever you do, certainly don't acknowledge the heavy burden many of them now carry as a result of their dedicated service to America or in any way help them put the pieces of their shattered lives back together.

Because that shows weakness. And strong, brave American soldiers are NEVER weak, understand? NEVER! They are brave courageous men and women whose haunting memories of the horrors of war gently fall off them like leaves fall from trees in autumn.

It's just a shame Hollywood still has the silly notion that war is hell, when it's really helloooo opportunity, or in Daddy's case, helloooo presidency. Almost.

Twitter Dee & Twitter Dum

God damn f**king Twitter! If it's not the stupidest, most idiotic 140-character waste of time ever invented, I don't know what is. It even makes those ridiculous Tamagotchis seem brilliant, which is no small feat for a digital, egg-shaped, hand-held pet that eats, pees and dies.

Yet, Twitter has officially managed to become the new crack of the technology world. Everywhere you look, someone is twittering something. The media can't stop buzzing about it, celebs love it, and politicians can't get enough.

Of course, anytime a new fad pops up (especially if it involves the Internets!), it is the media's job to endlessly discuss until any and all semblance of cool has been completely sucked out. Which in this case, didn't take very long.

Same for politicians, especially Republicans who have been dominating the Twitter scene, partially thanks to the off-the-hook PR blitz by RNC Chairman Michael Steele. A hip new way of communicating about nonsense with a bunch of teenyboppers is a sure-fire way to stave off political irrelevance. Nothing says cool like a House Republican twittering about how slutty Nancy Pelosi looked during the last filibuster debate.

Hollywood's also jumped on the Twitter train, with hot celebs like Kanye West, Brittney Spears, 50 Cent, and other A-listers keeping their fans up-to-date on important happenings like when their next album drops and why Pop-Tarts are so much better than Toaster Strudel.

But typing life updates in 140 characters or less can be quite challenging for these time-pressed stars. Which is why many have instead turned to outsourcing their Tweets by hiring so-called ghost Twitterers to do their dirty work writing one to two sentences about how rush hour traffic sucks and why McDonalds should sell Shamrock Shakes year round.

Which may strike some Twitter purists like Shaquille O'Neal as ridiculous.

“If I am going to speak, it will come from me. It’s 140 characters...If you need a ghostwriter for that, I feel sorry for you.”

Self-hating Twitterer John Mayer agrees. "If you really think that Twitter is the pathway to spiritual enlightenment, well...It’s one step away from sending pictures of your poop."

Now, you know brilliance like that doesn't come from no ghost Twitterer!

Slumming With The Stars!

This year's humbled-down "modest" Oscars were a slummin' success--from the totally reasonable $35,000 gift bags (Hollywood bargain!) to the rags-to-riches Mumbai darling Slumdog Millionaire snagging 8 Academy Awards including Best Picture and Best Director.

Heath Ledger rightfully won Best Supporting Actor and not just because he died, but because no one plays a psycho, demented scar-faced clown quite like him. Kate Winslet obviously won the Best Actress award because she is British and it's basically like a rite of passage for them. The whole Holocaust theme didn't hurt either.

The "commie, homo-loving sons of guns" in the Academy also apparently have a sweet-spot for all things not-straight, including Sean Penn's portrayal of San Francisco's openly gay mayor Harvey Milk, which earned him the Best Actor award.

This in turn earned the audience an earful from Penn, who showed you don't have to be gay to play gay, but you must love gay. Or else.

"It's a good time for those who voted for the ban on gay marriage to look into their minds and anticipate their great shame in eyes of their grandchildren. We've got to have equal rights for everyone."

What you thought Sean would come to some ritzy-ditzy Hollywood award show just to accept his gold statuette and walk off without saying something fiery and political? He's an activist first and an actor second, and he doesn't need Hugo Chavez to prove it.

Oh, and let's not forget the fabulous Hugh Jackman who flailed his hot host- self around just enough to keep 33 million Americans tuned in...and confused about their sexuality for three and a half hours.

Here's To Hugh!