Like Husband, Like Trophy Wife...Cindy McCain Gets Bound & Gagged, Then Flip Flops On NOH8ing Fags

Everyone knows John and Cindy McCain have the bestest, most blissfully beautiful, perfectly God-blessed heterosexual marriage of convenience this great land has ever seen. It's true!

For her part, Cindy does bring plenty to the table, like her unique, one-of-a-kind rich trophy wife good looks, senile old man appeal, as much of daddy's hard-earned Anheuser-Busch beer money as Johnny's ice cold albeit ambitious li'l heart desires ($20 mil sounds about right!), and whatever else it takes to get that damn old man out of Arizona and back in Washington where he can fight for the freedom to keep gross gays in the closet and out of Army barracks for as long as it is politically expedient.

Hooray!

Plus, with gramps out of her adorable, blond new pixie length hair, Cindy is finally free to do as she pleases, like diddling the hunky pool boy and/or getting bound and gagged for gay rights before deciding eh, on second thought, my senile spouse might not appreciate this sexy stunt so ummm, sorry gays, screw you and your stupid struggles for equality. Find another washed up, hypocritical heiress to do your dirty work. Cindy Mac, out!

Which is certainly a far cry from just last week when sweet Cind found time to duct tape her celebrity mouth shut to shoot a spot for the anti-gay bullying PSA by the NOH8 campaign, where she basically accused her lovely husband of sharing the blame for gay kids offing themselves all over the place in record numbers, all because of the their own terrible homosinuality. Yay?

"Our political and religious leaders tell LGBT youth that they have no future," Cindy McCain says. ... "They can't serve our country openly ... Our government treats the LGBT community like second-class citizens, why shouldn't [the bullies]?"

Well for one thing, Cindy, the so-called bullies you so casually mention happen to be the same shriveled carcass who supposedly sleeps in your bed every night, but hey, you already knew that, right? Hence, the ol' pill habit??

But just in to clear up any confusion, just like her Mama Grizzly kindred spirit, SarBear, Cindy took to her favoritest Twitter to set the record straight (like the good sexuality!) about how she didn't really mean anything that she said in the NOH8 video, and totally supports her husband's one-man crusade against justice and equality for gross gays, now and forever. After all, blood is thicker than water gay teen suicide stranger blood:

"I fully support the NOH8 campaign and all it stands for and am proud to be a part of it. But I stand by my husband's stance on DADT."

Ummm, awkward? Apparently, Cindy and John did something they haven't done in years: held an actual conversation, not through their various handlers, spokespeople, and strategists.

And miracle of miracles, it worked!

Perhaps it was the lingering effects of her years of living in a prescription pill-addled haze or maybe it's just what happens after decades of living with an Alzheimer's ravaged, almost-octogenarian who resorted to selling his own decrepit soul once sugarmama's well-stocked coiffers ran out, but suddenly it was as if Cindy forgot who she was. Almost like she was two different people, even!

Luckily, thanks to the clean, Mexican-free, parched desert air, Cindy McCain suddenly returned to her good senses and remembered (I know, I know ironic!) who she is, was, and will always be.

And it certainly isn't some equal-rights defending, truth and justice-seeking progressive gay and lesbian activist. Heavens forbid! What does she look like a freakin' sellout Democrat or something? Ha!

No, no, don't be silly! Clearly, the arugula-eating elitist creators of the NOH8 campaign completely misconstrued what she really meant to say:

"Our political and religious leaders tell LGBT youth that they have no future, which is like totally true! They can't serve our country openly, thanks to God and my adorable dementia-addled, spineless hubby J. Mac, who will always be President of my heart. He treats the gross, dirty Mexicans like second-class citizens, why shouldn't everyone, with the help of our perfect government & wonderful DADT, do the same with the LGBT community, always bullying people into accepting their deviant, hellbound, abominable, rainbow Pride floating, tight speedo sportin' ways?"

So thank you Cindy for teaching us all (suicidal gay youth included) a very valuable lesson: when someone, especially the abusive, cranky old balls hubby you bankroll pressures you, you should always cave and give in to hate, particularly if it's a matter of basic human equality.

Or gay kids jumping off bridges. Either one really.

Cindy McCain Shows Her Support For Gays, Tries To Kill Husband In The Process

Much like hubby John and sassy daughter Megs, maverick blood courses thick through Cindy McCain's once pill-addled veins.

Sometimes, this rogue gene manifests itself on the campaign trail in the form of profanity-laced tirades directed at her dear old husband for "ruining her life" and forcing her into the smooth, chiseled, youthful arms of another with those silly presidential shenanigans of his.

Other times, Cindy's inherent need to rebel comes in the form of getting her mouth duct-taped shut for a soft pornography shoot, as the newest, surgically-enhanced face of a pro-gay marriage campaign. Yay!

"Posing with tape over her mouth and a "NOH8" logo on her face, Cindy McCain was photographed for the NOH8 Campaign, which protests Proposition 8, the California proposition passed in 2008 banning same-sex marriage, and currently being challenged in federal court."

Naturally, John is perfectly fine with both beautiful blondes in his life coming out to support the gays by dabbling in some light S&M and thus crushing any remaining shreds of the old man's chances to ever reach the Oval Office.

"The McCains are one of the most well-known Republican families in recent history, and for Mrs. McCain to have reached out to us to offer her support truly means a lot," the NOH8 Website says.

"Aligning yourself with the platform of gay marriage as a Republican still tends to be very stigmatic, but Cindy McCain wanted to participate in the campaign to show people that party doesn't matter - marriage equality isn't a Republican issue any more than it is a Democratic issue."

It is simply an electability issue. Which is why it is to be spoken by no one, but certainly not by anyone with any real presidential aspirations.

In that case, what are you so worried about John? No one is voting for you either way, silly!

But just in case, America is gripped by collective Alzheimer's and forgets all about the great Palin-McCain trainwreck of '08, Johnny Mac over here is hedging his bets on one thing most people will always remember: to discriminate against that one flamboyant and/or flannel clad group of sinners, them fightin' gays.

Ooooh, and maybe just maybe he'll finally be able to ride that senior citizen wave of fear and ignorance into power, where his supreme white male authority as head of house, the White House that is, will finally go unchallenged.

John McCain’s office said in a statement that the Arizona senator respects the views of members of his family but remains opposed to gay marriage.

"Sen. McCain believes the sanctity of marriage is only defined as between one man and one woman."

A loveless, miserable union between one shriveled old man, his much younger, hotter, richer wifey, and whatever strapping young gent she's boning on the side. Just like God intended.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Game Change Reminds Us Anyone But Obama Would Mean Game Over For America

Guess what America?? Even though our country is broke, no one has a job, health care is on the skids, and it is getting painfully obvious that Mother Nature wants us gone for good, there's still something to be thankful for: that those other lunatic nutballs trying to win the White House back in '08, didn't.

At least, according to hoity-toity New Yorker book critic Hendrik Hertzberg in his review of the hottest election tell-all to hit the shelves, Game Change, by veteran reporters John Heilemann and Mark Halperin. (Sorry to all those Sarah fans out there, but the fictional children's book Going Rogue didn't meet the requirements of "not being total bullsh*t").

After devouring all 464 pages of this profanity-laced, dysfunction laden presidential free-for-all, Hertzberg, like the rest of us, was able to make a number of conclusions.

Some, like the fact that "presidential candidates and the members of their entourages are inordinately fond of the word 'fuck' and its derivatives," isn't exactly earth-shattering but mere reminders that politicians are human too (albeit foul-mouthed ones) and as such, like to sound cool and powerful by showering their speech with as many F-bombs as they can possibly cram into a sentence.

"When he first learned the outcome from his number crunchers, what he thought was, Well, we’re fucked," John Edwards' reaction to losing in Iowa.

"Why the fuck do you think I'd want to go sit outside a Wal-Mart and hand out leaflets?" John Edwards' wife, Elizabeth, objecting to a campaign assignment.

"Unfuckingbelievable!" Clinton said, upon being accused of citing the assassination of Robert Kennedy as a reason for her to stay in the contest.

"Fuck you! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!" John McCain, with "both middle fingers raised," scolding his wife, Cindy, for interrupting him.

"No fucking discipline." Obama's diagnosis of the chaos in McCainland.

But beyond our leaders' proclivity for potty talk, Game Change, does reveal some deeper, darker secrets about the sanity, intelligence, and character of our beloved candidates.

Some of course less shocking than others.

"The portrayals of the rest of the cast are reasonably consistent with what informed readers already knew, with flaws and foibles usefully filled out. Palin emerges as even more ignorant than one supposed, and considerably more unstable." Nothing surprising here.

Under the pressure of debate preparation, she regularly retreated into a "catatonic stupor," prompting the McCain campaign to discuss the "threatening possibility that Palin was mentally unstable." It was decided that if it looked like McCain might actually win in November, they would have to relegate Ms. Palin "to the largely ceremonial role that premodern vice presidents inhabited, considering it to be inconceivable that if McCain fell ill or died, the country be left in the hands of a President Palin."

Even trigger-happy Dark Lord of the GOP, Dick Cheney, called McCain's VP pick, a "reckless choice," believing the Alaska governor was unprepared for high office, though apparently still better than that illegal Kenyan terrorist with the funny name, winning smile, and ability to actually relate to everyday people, other than those with the last name Bush.

You know, "normal" people, like the unbelievably dysfunctional duo of John Edwards and wifey Elizabeth, who staffers described in such glowing terms as "abusive, intrusive, paranoid, condescending, crazywoman." The two fought openly over John's alleged affair (and lovechild!) with Rielle Hunter. But that's not it!

You see, Dame Elizabeth viewed herself as a "worldly intellectual" and publicly called her husband "a hick" and his parents "rednecks," snazzy $400 haircut or not.

"She was forever letting John know she regarded him as her intellectual inferior," mocking her husband as somebody who "doesn't read books."

Well it's a good thing Lizzy's literate enough to read aloud to poor, dumb Johnny all about how it feels to be married to an insufferable, egomaniacal asshole like him!

Speaking of healthy, stable marriages, the only thing shakier than John McCain and Sarah Palin's political "marriage" was the real one between the old man and Cindy.

According to the authors, McCain strategist John Weaver suspected the rumor that Cindy McCain had a "long-term boyfriend in Arizona was rooted in truth." Hmmm, perhaps the fact that the pair had been sighted all over town in the last few years was a tip-off?

But either way, our delightful almost-First Family "fought in front of others, during small meetings and before large events, to the amazement and discomfort of the staff."

Apparently, Cindy McCain accused the senator of ruining her life, that she never wanted him to run again for president, and that "when it came time to film campaign videos of the couple, the camera crews had to roll for hours to capture a few minutes of warmth." Adorable!

Compared to the other candidates' trainwreck lives, the Clintons' unique relationship almost seems like a functional one. Almost.

Turns out, Hillary Clinton, or Hillaryland as the former First Lady's inner circle was known, was full of distrust, secrets, betrayals, and a more than sneaking suspicion that hubby Bill's sporadic outbursts and unnaturally red face may not be the only issues the campaign need worry about.

Could Billy's Willy be once again rearing its ugly head?

Clinton's "war room within a war room"--which she put together to deal with questions about her husband's "libido"--became convinced in 2006 that Billy boy was having a serious extramarital affair, prompting Hillrod to instruct her aides to be prepared to combat the story (should for some crazy reason it be proven true).

Bill's wandering eye, followed by Lord knows wandering what-else, was also apparently the reason Hillary came thisclose to turning down the Secretary of State job, until a late-night call between her and Obama convinced her to take the gig, despite her concerns over that incorrigible hubby of hers, Bill.

"You know I can't control him, and at some point he'll be a problem" Clinton told Obama who assured her that he was willing to take that risk.

A gamblin' man, eh? Truth is, he's handled bigger dicks than that before (usually with the last name Cheney), but then again Cheney never belittled Barry by scoffing that "a few years ago, this guy would have been getting us coffee."

Which brings us to the coffee-fetcher turned commander-in-chief, Barack Hussein Obama.

The authors describe the Obamas' marriage as a model one, "Obama adored his wife and didn't even bother to pretend that he enjoyed anyone else's company remotely as much as he relished being with her and their daughters." The weasel!

Wait, it gets worse.

"Barack Obama is the only principal whose aides do not experience moments of suspicion--or, in the cases of Edwards and Palin, weeks of certainty--that their candidate is unfit for the office that he or she seeks. Only the future President is exactly what he seemed to be: calm, determined, a little aloof, immune to the snares of anger or vengefulness."

"Game Change leaves one reassured that the voters, given the choices before them, chose well."

Yeah, if they wanted a boring, smart, sane man who loves his wife and family, and makes decisions based on fact and rationality, not to cover up the demented sh*tshow that is their lives, as leader of the free world.

Guess you could say normal is the new rogue.

Meghan McCain Can't Understand Why Hollywood Doesn't See War as Playful Romp Through Gum Drop Forest

Meghan McCain is very upset. And this time, it's not even 'cause of a bad hair day or 'cause everyone is talking about her bountiful breasts which she took a picture of and posted on Twitter because she loves America that much. Nope, not even close. This time it's even worse: Hollywood.

Meggy just doesn't understand why the stars and elitists over in Hollywood hate our troops so much. She, for one, adores them. They're so cute, cuddly and heroic, how could you not just wanna squeeze 'em and kiss 'em?

Which is why she is terribly upset, no make that outraged, that the new Tobey Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, Natalie Portman film "Brothers" she saw over the weekend about a Marine serving in Afghanistan didn't portray our war heroes as realistically as you'd expect from a big Hollywood Blockbuster.

Meghan asked her mother Cindy if she would come see the movie with her, but naturally Cindy said "she didn't want to give any money to a movie in which the preview showed the soldier coming back home and waving a gun at his family in their driveway." Hits too close to home or something.

I mean how ridiculous is that? Such obscene things would never happen. If anything, he would just divorce his now crippled wife and leave his old family for a fresh start with a much younger, richer blond heiress who still has use of her legs.

While Meghan was also deeply disturbed by the preview, her curiosity about Hollywood's take on our soldiers and the current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan triumphed and Meggy was forced to endure "Brothers" all by her lonesome.

This is where the plot thickens my friends! So Megs and her popcorn are just chilling at the theater waiting to see what crazy perversion of war Hollywood's come up with now. Like showing our soldiers as deserters or whackjobs instead of the perfect specimens of humanity Meghan knows they really are.

In Brothers, not only does one of the Marines captured by the Taliban actually say that he "realized we shouldn’t be there," but Maguire’s character Sam beats a fellow soldier to death with a lead pipe. Sam then returns home to his family and goes AWOL trying to kill both his wife and his brother.

Can you believe the nerve of these Hollywood hotshots, portraying soldiers as real human beings with feelings whose experience in war is sometimes so traumatic that they actually have trouble readjusting to civilian life afterward?

Well, Megan cannot.

"I don’t care if every producer, director, and screenwriter in Hollywood is against the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq (and presumably most are), what offends me is the portrayal of soldiers as cowards and lunatics—driven to such lengths that they come home and try to kill their families," Meghan writes.

"Obviously, post-traumatic stress disorder has become more prevalent in the military and clearly this is a problem that needs to be seriously addressed. But I believe these films add to the damage when they portray soldiers as disloyal, unwilling to serve, and against the missions themselves. In my experience, this couldn’t be further from the truth."

After all, she is the daughter of a onetime POW turned politician, so she knows everything there is to know about war.

In other words, Meghan knows post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) exists and all, but still doesn't understand why we have to focus on the "ugly" side of war, when everyone knows war is mostly about having a good time and also shooting some people.

"How many deserters do you actually hear about on the news? Not very many. Unfortunately, the thousands of stories about heroism and courage that could be told about our soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan are not in the interest of many Hollywood filmmakers, and so a real disservice is being done to these troops. These films only perpetuate negative stereotypes about soldiers and the military. At a time when support for the war in Afghanistan is dividing this country, I simply don’t understand why Hollywood insists on portraying our soldiers in such a negative light. If Vietnam taught us anything, it was hate the war, love the warrior."

Right on Meggy! Hate the war but love the warrior. By sending them to die in some proxy war in the Vietnamese jungle (or mountainous desert terrain). And if they're "brave" enough to actually come back in one piece, don't provide them with any mental and or physical support for their injuries or sacrifices. But whatever you do, certainly don't acknowledge the heavy burden many of them now carry as a result of their dedicated service to America or in any way help them put the pieces of their shattered lives back together.

Because that shows weakness. And strong, brave American soldiers are NEVER weak, understand? NEVER! They are brave courageous men and women whose haunting memories of the horrors of war gently fall off them like leaves fall from trees in autumn.

It's just a shame Hollywood still has the silly notion that war is hell, when it's really helloooo opportunity, or in Daddy's case, helloooo presidency. Almost.

Johnny Mac Says Cindy's Dancing Future Not In The Stars

Ugh, John McCain ruins everything!

First he ruined that lovely Sarah woman's vice-presidential hopes. Now he's ruining things for his number one lady love, socialite trophy-wife Cindy McCain, whose life-long dream is apparently to traipse around half-naked in a unitard before millions of Americans on the hit show "Dancing With The Stars."

Rumor has it that Cindy was in talks with producers just before Thanksgiving to appear as a dancer on the show, which she wanted to do very badly.

But then the honorable John S. McCain "put the kibosh on it" because he knows a few things about bad decisions.

Including letting his hot, rich young wife cavort with some sexy stud muffin mancer (that's what Johnny calls men dancers, hehe) for hours on end before having to come home to her 72-year-old NOT-president hubby with mild-to-severe arthritis.