Rielle Goes Huntin' For Respect, Sans Pants, Amid Stuffed Kermit And Barney Dolls

Wholesome, American-as-apple-pie, love bunnies Johnny Edwards and Rielle Hunter's fairy tale romance of dull, cancer-stricken wives, reckless infidelity, unchecked hubris, mass delusions, unbridled lust, wild, sex-filled romps, and one surprise li'l bundle of joy by the name of Quinn is now available for your voyeuristic pleasure, courtesy of Rielle Hunter's classy yet sexy new interview with the National Enquirer of glossy men's fashion magazines, GQ.

With some 10,000 words and enough fun, care-free pantsless photos to keep us titillated, mistress-turned-baby mama Rielle Hunter finally decided to open up something other than her nice, toned legs and give America the real scoop about life, love, the wrath of Lizzy, scorned, and of course, her "relationship" with number one hunky hero, "Johnny."

Among the highlights, or lowlights depending on your taste for pathetic, bizarre love triangles involving fallen presidential candidates, snooty, terminally ill wives, and trashy, new age hippies:

-On her relationship with Edwards and their daughter, Quinn: "I love Johnny and I love my daughter more than anything in the world, and I don't want to ever do anything to hurt them or hurt their relationship."

Except for having daddy pretend the li'l bastard didn't exist for those first few formative years, lest the child feel confused, unloved, or like a big, fat, life-destroying mistake or anything.

-On her use of "Johnny": "Isn't that funny? You know, when I first met him, the first week of our relationship, I said to him, 'For some reason I cannot call you John, it doesn't come out. Could I call you Johnny?' And he said, 'That's my name.' And I didn't know that, but that's his actual birth name."

Right next to his other God-given full Christian name, smug, cheating, lying, no-good rat bastard.

-On Edwards' support of her GQ interview: "He's very supportive of me talking now. He believes that it's something that will help me be at peace with it. And he knows how important truth is to me. Factual truth as well as spiritual truth."

Okay, fine just incredible orgasms truth.

-On rumors that she initially hit on Edwards: "I'm not a predator, I'm not a gold digger, I'm not the stalker. I didn't have any power in that way in our relationship. He held all the power."

Trust me, the dude literally OWNS her.

-On Edwards' interview with ABC News, in which he reaffirmed his love for his wife, Elizabeth: "[I]t was very painful. Because I had this thing in my head like a lot of women, where you want your man to stand up on a cliff and scream, 'I LOVE HER.' You know, the knight in shining armor. And that wasn't what was going on."

Eh, more like the knight in shining armor who plunges his sword of chivalry and honor right through your maiden heart before chucking your lifeless body off said cliff onto the craggy rocks 5,000 ft below.

-GQ: "Did he call you after the interview?"

-Hunter: "Yes. And I said, 'Ouch, that hurt.' And he said, 'I'm sorry.' And 'It doesn't mean anything.' And it didn't. I know he loves me. I have never had any doubt at all about that. We love each other very much. And that hasn't changed, and I believe that will be till death do us part. The love doesn't go away. It's unconditional. It's unconditional on my part, but our connection is profound. There's a lot of passion there."

About 25 pounds of sweet passion who goes by the name of Quinn.

-On why she thinks Edwards loves her: "Um. How do I answer that? [long pause] I mean, I could give so many answers. I could give a spiritual answer, that I reflect back to him large parts of himself that were unconscious. Like, he's a huge, huge humanitarian. He is very kindhearted and sweet. He's very honest and truthful. And all of that was hidden."

An angel disguised as a deceitful egomaniac with a God-complex, and penchant for $500 haircuts, Italian leather shoes, and wild extramarital sex with weirdo videographers.

-On Edwards's fall from grace: "Everyone talks about how Johnny has fallen from grace. In reality, he's fallen to grace. He is integrated. He is living a life of truth. He has grown in awareness and humility. He had all these things within him, but they weren't the guiding, leading principles of his life. Now they are."

He just had to insert himself deep within Rielle first.

-On their future together: "I have no idea. I do know that I will love him and that love is till death do us part, and probably beyond. We have a child together, so at the very least we will be co-parents together."

But probably closer to the "I have no idea" part.

-On Edwards telling Hunter of his marital problems with Elizabeth: "Well, I was aware of it from the get-go. He doesn't lie to me...He discloses everything to me. And he has no fear of lying to me...He's not afraid of me. He'll tell me anything and everything. Even disclosing to me when women hit on him, and everything that was said, and if he flirted. He has no fear that I'm going to abuse him...

"... And I believe what happened in his marriage is, he could not go to his wife and say, 'We have an issue.' Because he would be pummeled. ... Most of his mistakes or errors in judgment were because of his fear of the wrath of Elizabeth. He's allowed himself to be pushed into a lot of things that he wouldn't normally do because of Elizabeth's story line. And the spin that she wants to put out there. He was emasculated. And you know, the wrath of Elizabeth is a mighty wrath."

See, it's all that bitch with the cancer Elizabeth's fault.

-On her empathy for Elizabeth: "Oh, my God, I have such compassion for her. I really do. I mean, especially when you have terminal cancer...I watched my father die of cancer. It's heart-wrenching to me. But it's also sad to me, her unwillingness to take responsibility for her part in the marriage. And her unwillingness to face the truth. We're all slaves to our unconscious, but she really believes that it's everyone else's fault. And that's heart-wrenching to me, too."

And that's why I stole her hubby, made a baby with him, and refuse to crawl back into the dank, dark D-List Hollywood hole I came from.

-On how Elizabeth discovered the affair: "And she came into the room or he heard her coming, so he hung up the phone abruptly...And then she confronted him and confronted him, and he finally confessed. He didn't confess like she claims in her book. You know, that he came in on December 30 and confessed that it was a one-night stand. That whole one-night-stand thing is not true."

It was many one-night-stands over the course of many passionate, love-making months, God Damn it!

-On when the affair ended: "My stint as a mistress ended July 2008. And then our relationship evolved into something different. ... That was when the National Enquirer — the whole Beverly Hilton thing. That changed our relationship. It changed him; it changed everything. And my stint as a mistress ended. And I was and am happy about that."

I mean a person can only whore around for so long before she starts getting restless, and demands a little more respect than wham bam thank you ma'am.

-On Edwards as a father to their daughter: "Um...he's sweet. He's very loving...She calls him Da-da...She's always known who Da-da is. Yeah. She's never had Da-da missing from her life...He very much wants to be in her life full-time, and he doesn't want to hide."

Shhhhhhh, I think Quinn's coming. Quick, get under the bed, try not breathe too much, and whatever you do, keep your stinkin' trap shut!

-On her being called "kooky": "Kooky. I think that I can give someone kooky, you know? I'm not conventional, I don't fit into a box. But I am grounded. Don't mistake...I am very grounded. People also say I'm crazy. And there's no crazy about me. At all...Perception is projection. Like, for instance, Josh Brumberger, who said in Game Change that I was at the Regency dressed more appropriately for a Grateful Dead concert. Because from Josh's perspective, I seemed weird and wacky. In reality, I was wearing a black TSE cashmere sweater, a Kenneth Cole suede jacket, and jeans. But in his mind, I'm dressed to go to a Grateful Dead concert. Total projection!"

Just like how everyone thinks I'm a dirty, good-for-nothing homewrecking whore who may or not be totally insane, is 100 percent total projection. An illusion, like Elizabeth and Johnny's marriage.

-On a potential Hunter/Edwards wedding: "To date [laughs], we have not spoken about any wedding plans."

Oh you know Johnny, he's such a romantic, I'm sure he's planning our nuptials now...right after he figures out the best way to send me on a way-one trip to becoming one with the heavenly spirit that flows freely from our third eye out to the cosmos and back again, in sweet divine harmony.

-On Andrew Young initially claiming paternity of Edwards' child: "It was Andrew's idea. The first time Andrew said it, I was on the phone with Johnny, and Johnny was screaming at me about the National Enquirer finding me and photographing me. He was very angry. And Johnny doesn't scream. He's not a screamer. But he was screaming at me that day, and Andrew suggested, right then and there, 'Hey, tell him that I'll claim I'm the father.'"

And Johnny stopped shrieking and crying just long enough to say "good idea, Drew. You pretend to be the unstable asshole father and I'll pretend to be a presidential candidate."

-On an alleged sex tape: "I'd love to answer that. But I filed papers and we're in a lawsuit, and I just can't talk about it. [Having sought and won a temporary restraining order to prevent the distribution of the tape, Hunter is suing the Youngs for invasion of privacy.] But I do look forward to talking about it in court, under oath. The truth of all that will come out in court."

Let's just say Johnny knows a thing or two about what women want. Trashy, sleazy home-wrecking hell women. It's like he almost is one of them.

-On the National Enquirer's Pulitzer potential: "To me it shows, as a society, how cut off from the truth we are, that a magazine that pays their sources and every once in a while gets something factually correct is now eligible for a Pulitzer. Wow, we're all going to hell."

No, just you and your angel-in-disguise soulmate Johnny!

-On what she would have done differently: "The only big thing that sticks out is, I never would have gone along with Andrew Young claiming paternity. I would have stood up to that and said, 'Absolutely not. I don't care what the consequences are, I'm done.'"

Well, actually that's not the only thing that sticks out, but I am a respectable woman, and mama always said a real lady never kiss and tells.

-On knowing the very first night that you were something special to him: "I did know, yes. I did know the first night. We had an extraordinary night, and I did know that this was unlike anything either of us had ever experienced. And as we have all learned, that was accurate! [laughs] He in fact did say to me the first night, "Falling in love with you could really fuck up my plans for becoming President."

On the other hand, fucking you is a sure-fire path to the presidency.

To which Rielle of course said, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

Or just have Him spend some alone time with Rielle.

It's great for relieving tension. When you're with her, it's like the weight of the world just sort of washes away, right along with your judgment, dignity, self-respect, marriage, and any chances of being the next great commander-in-chief to catch a couple BJs in the Oval Office by someone other than the wifey.

It's called respect.

Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee, Lousy With Virginity...

Game Change Reminds Us Anyone But Obama Would Mean Game Over For America

Guess what America?? Even though our country is broke, no one has a job, health care is on the skids, and it is getting painfully obvious that Mother Nature wants us gone for good, there's still something to be thankful for: that those other lunatic nutballs trying to win the White House back in '08, didn't.

At least, according to hoity-toity New Yorker book critic Hendrik Hertzberg in his review of the hottest election tell-all to hit the shelves, Game Change, by veteran reporters John Heilemann and Mark Halperin. (Sorry to all those Sarah fans out there, but the fictional children's book Going Rogue didn't meet the requirements of "not being total bullsh*t").

After devouring all 464 pages of this profanity-laced, dysfunction laden presidential free-for-all, Hertzberg, like the rest of us, was able to make a number of conclusions.

Some, like the fact that "presidential candidates and the members of their entourages are inordinately fond of the word 'fuck' and its derivatives," isn't exactly earth-shattering but mere reminders that politicians are human too (albeit foul-mouthed ones) and as such, like to sound cool and powerful by showering their speech with as many F-bombs as they can possibly cram into a sentence.

"When he first learned the outcome from his number crunchers, what he thought was, Well, we’re fucked," John Edwards' reaction to losing in Iowa.

"Why the fuck do you think I'd want to go sit outside a Wal-Mart and hand out leaflets?" John Edwards' wife, Elizabeth, objecting to a campaign assignment.

"Unfuckingbelievable!" Clinton said, upon being accused of citing the assassination of Robert Kennedy as a reason for her to stay in the contest.

"Fuck you! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!" John McCain, with "both middle fingers raised," scolding his wife, Cindy, for interrupting him.

"No fucking discipline." Obama's diagnosis of the chaos in McCainland.

But beyond our leaders' proclivity for potty talk, Game Change, does reveal some deeper, darker secrets about the sanity, intelligence, and character of our beloved candidates.

Some of course less shocking than others.

"The portrayals of the rest of the cast are reasonably consistent with what informed readers already knew, with flaws and foibles usefully filled out. Palin emerges as even more ignorant than one supposed, and considerably more unstable." Nothing surprising here.

Under the pressure of debate preparation, she regularly retreated into a "catatonic stupor," prompting the McCain campaign to discuss the "threatening possibility that Palin was mentally unstable." It was decided that if it looked like McCain might actually win in November, they would have to relegate Ms. Palin "to the largely ceremonial role that premodern vice presidents inhabited, considering it to be inconceivable that if McCain fell ill or died, the country be left in the hands of a President Palin."

Even trigger-happy Dark Lord of the GOP, Dick Cheney, called McCain's VP pick, a "reckless choice," believing the Alaska governor was unprepared for high office, though apparently still better than that illegal Kenyan terrorist with the funny name, winning smile, and ability to actually relate to everyday people, other than those with the last name Bush.

You know, "normal" people, like the unbelievably dysfunctional duo of John Edwards and wifey Elizabeth, who staffers described in such glowing terms as "abusive, intrusive, paranoid, condescending, crazywoman." The two fought openly over John's alleged affair (and lovechild!) with Rielle Hunter. But that's not it!

You see, Dame Elizabeth viewed herself as a "worldly intellectual" and publicly called her husband "a hick" and his parents "rednecks," snazzy $400 haircut or not.

"She was forever letting John know she regarded him as her intellectual inferior," mocking her husband as somebody who "doesn't read books."

Well it's a good thing Lizzy's literate enough to read aloud to poor, dumb Johnny all about how it feels to be married to an insufferable, egomaniacal asshole like him!

Speaking of healthy, stable marriages, the only thing shakier than John McCain and Sarah Palin's political "marriage" was the real one between the old man and Cindy.

According to the authors, McCain strategist John Weaver suspected the rumor that Cindy McCain had a "long-term boyfriend in Arizona was rooted in truth." Hmmm, perhaps the fact that the pair had been sighted all over town in the last few years was a tip-off?

But either way, our delightful almost-First Family "fought in front of others, during small meetings and before large events, to the amazement and discomfort of the staff."

Apparently, Cindy McCain accused the senator of ruining her life, that she never wanted him to run again for president, and that "when it came time to film campaign videos of the couple, the camera crews had to roll for hours to capture a few minutes of warmth." Adorable!

Compared to the other candidates' trainwreck lives, the Clintons' unique relationship almost seems like a functional one. Almost.

Turns out, Hillary Clinton, or Hillaryland as the former First Lady's inner circle was known, was full of distrust, secrets, betrayals, and a more than sneaking suspicion that hubby Bill's sporadic outbursts and unnaturally red face may not be the only issues the campaign need worry about.

Could Billy's Willy be once again rearing its ugly head?

Clinton's "war room within a war room"--which she put together to deal with questions about her husband's "libido"--became convinced in 2006 that Billy boy was having a serious extramarital affair, prompting Hillrod to instruct her aides to be prepared to combat the story (should for some crazy reason it be proven true).

Bill's wandering eye, followed by Lord knows wandering what-else, was also apparently the reason Hillary came thisclose to turning down the Secretary of State job, until a late-night call between her and Obama convinced her to take the gig, despite her concerns over that incorrigible hubby of hers, Bill.

"You know I can't control him, and at some point he'll be a problem" Clinton told Obama who assured her that he was willing to take that risk.

A gamblin' man, eh? Truth is, he's handled bigger dicks than that before (usually with the last name Cheney), but then again Cheney never belittled Barry by scoffing that "a few years ago, this guy would have been getting us coffee."

Which brings us to the coffee-fetcher turned commander-in-chief, Barack Hussein Obama.

The authors describe the Obamas' marriage as a model one, "Obama adored his wife and didn't even bother to pretend that he enjoyed anyone else's company remotely as much as he relished being with her and their daughters." The weasel!

Wait, it gets worse.

"Barack Obama is the only principal whose aides do not experience moments of suspicion--or, in the cases of Edwards and Palin, weeks of certainty--that their candidate is unfit for the office that he or she seeks. Only the future President is exactly what he seemed to be: calm, determined, a little aloof, immune to the snares of anger or vengefulness."

"Game Change leaves one reassured that the voters, given the choices before them, chose well."

Yeah, if they wanted a boring, smart, sane man who loves his wife and family, and makes decisions based on fact and rationality, not to cover up the demented sh*tshow that is their lives, as leader of the free world.

Guess you could say normal is the new rogue.

Will The Red Window Help Elizabeth Edwards Shut The Door On The Nightmare That Is Her Life?

While her whole life goes to hell because of her scumsucking hubby John, his homewrecking whore of an ex-girlfriend Rielle Hunter and the mysterious love child that may or may not be part Edwards, poor old Elizabeth Edwards figured what better way to distract herself from the unrelenting media circus that is her life than by opening a new furniture store, Red Window, in Chapel Hill, North Carolina?

Yes, Mrs. Elizabeth Edwards is no longer just the forgotten wife of a onetime presidential candidate with a swank $400 haircut, but is now also a small business owner proudly offering "North Carolina furnishings at wholesale prices."

Calling the store a family endeavor, Elizabeth said the new business venture is an idea dating back to her childhood when her mother managed a charity store in Japan called The Red Door.

Of course, being a family establishment and all, on hand for the opening was dutiful husband John and their 11-year-old daughter Emma Claire. Sadly, neither Rielle nor the pint-sized culmination of their illicit love affair were there to celebrate the joyous occasion. Maybe the Two-Year Anniversary!

Neither John nor Elizabeth would address the nasty rumors swirling around about baby daddies and blonde former lovers or any of that made-up media nonsense.

"Tabloid news is tabloid news," Elizabeth said. "We just have a family to run and now a business to run as well, so we just keep our eye on that ball and try to ignore what supermarket tabloids have to say."

Good plan Liz! But perhaps hubby John has something to say on his future plans aside from "doing the things I need to do with my family, helping Elizabeth, support what she's doing here."

Yeah buddy, cause anyone's buying that. But he does try to help out where he can.

"I do more moving furniture than anything else," John said. "This is Elizabeth's deal, but everybody in the family is trying to help support her."

In all fairness, he did get plenty of practice helping his former lady friend Rielle Hunter and her fatherless baby move into a house close to the Edwards' waterfront home in Wilmington. That's just the kind of guy he is.

A real southern gentleman that John!

Sex, Lies, And Videotape

America's original $400 hair cut, philandering Southern gentleman John Edwards thought he was sitting pretty after Vegas playboy Sen. John Ensign and lovestruck Latina lothario Gov. Mark Sanford recently admitted their own extramarital affairs.

Certainly this will make everyone forget all about Johnny's little sexual indiscretion while his wife battled cancer and he ran for president of America, right?

Well maybe. If, in addition to repeatedly sowing his political oats in former mistress Rielle Hunter's fertile womb and likely impregnating her in the process, he didn't also decide to be DC's answer to Paris Hilton and videotape one of their hot sex romps for all the world to see.

That is, according to former Edwards aide Andrew Young in his new book proposal ($) with St. Martin's Press, which offers a decidedly different approach than wifey Elizabeth's scorned-but-forgiving media tour across America.

Like how Young's belief in Edwards "ran so deep that he agreed to take the fall for the candidate" even pretending to be the baby daddy and inviting the mysteriously pregnant Miss Hunter to live with him, his wife, Cheri, and their three children. He even agreed to be resettled with his family all the way to California where Rielle and her bastard child could live in comfortable anonymity, away from the prying eyes of Elizabeth, the media, and other unsavory types trying to catch Johnny in a, shall we say, compromising position.

It was while unpacking in his new home in sunny California that Young discovered the said videotape featuring John Edwards and Rielle Hunter, who had been hired by the Edwards campaign to record the candidate’s movements, engaging in some positions not exactly on his official platform.

Young also said that Rielle confided to him that she and Edwards talked about getting married should the candidate’s cancer-stricken wife, Elizabeth god-forbid pass away, even discussing what music they’d play at their wedding. How adorable!

But that's not it. Young's "impossible to put down" proposal also claims that Sen. Edwards frequently clashed with boring, long-faced running mate John Kerry during their doomed, arugula eating 2004 race, and that John Edwards told him that Barack Obama promised to make him attorney general if he didn’t pick him as his 2008 running mate.

Instead, Elizabeth got John and we got Joe Biden. Everyone wins!