Herman Cain Likes His Women Like He Likes His Pizza: Dense, Round & Stuffed Full Of Manly Meat!

Charming black walnut Herman Cain may have a way with the ladies (open-hand ass slaps only!), an uncanny knack for finding new and exciting ways to contradict himself on whatever subject matter is currently being discussed (you name it, he'll waiver on it!), and the unparalleled ability to offend anyone and everyone with his constant buffoonery, outrageous blunders, and cartoonish lack of knowledge on anything not related to dough, sauce, cheese and sexually harassing whatever hot tits in a skirt he hired to ride the Cain train now.

Chug-a-Chug-a-Chug-a-Choo-Choo!!

But it seems no matter how many women he's sexually harassed, policy questions he's "answered" (knowledge is for pussies!) with some insane combination of monosyllabic grunts and nursery rhyme gibberish, the runaway freight train that is the Herman Cain Presidential Express refuses to be derailed.

Just the opposite, in fact. You see, Cain is sort of like the political equivalent of Bigfoot; the more science disproves its existence, the more people become convinced that this elusive, mythical creature is currentlycamped out in their backyards. Because whenever Hermy says or does something mind-blowingly dumb (pick your fave, cringe-worthy "OMG is he serious?" moment), his poll numbers actually go up.

So what in the name of 9-9-9 is the secret to Herman Caini-Caini-Caini-Cain-Cain's improbable rise to the top of the GOP pack? Desperation? Perhaps. He is not Mitt Romney? No doubt. He is a walking, talking comedy routine and the polar opposite of a viable presidential candidate? Cain I get a hell yes!?

Just look to the Cain-Wreck's recent GQ interview to see why, despite the whole electrocute Messicans, screw the poors, push ladies heads in his crotch stuff, America just can't resist the one-of-a-kind Cain you don't even need to snort to feel its crazy, mind-numbing effects.

Alan Richman: Do you eat pizza as much as people say you eat pizza?
Herman Cain: No, because I'm very particular about the pizza that I eat. Godfather's is still a premium-quality product, and I cannot always find that. It's got to be as good as Godfather's or I won't eat it.

Oh, so that explains his campaign! It just has to be as good as Godfather's, a brand so delectable, you can only find it in gas stations in the most podunk cities around the country. Not just quality, Herman Cain quality!

Alan Richman: I understand that you like lots of meat on your pizza. Is this true?
Herman Cain: Yes.
Alan Richman: We won't do it today, but we'll have to argue about this one day, because I'm a crust man.
Herman Cain: You like a thin crust?
Alan Richman: I like a crunchy crust. You just want the meat piled on?
Herman Cain: No, no, no. We balance the ingredients to achieve what we call "a harmony of flavor."
Alan Richman: This sounds like a Republican platform.
Herman Cain: [laughs] We don't just throw stuff on there. We actually test, "Do you have too much sausage? Too much beef?" Because we want to balance the flavor out. So it is more scientifically developed than it might appear.

Ugh science?? I think we can safely say there's clearly nothing Republican about that!

Chris Heath: What can you tell about a man by the type of pizza that he likes?
Herman Cain: [repeats the question aloud, then pauses for a long moment] The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is.
Chris Heath: Why is that?
Herman Cain: Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance. [laughs]
Devin Gordon: Is that purely a meat question?
Herman Cain: A manly man don't want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.

And Herman Cain ain't no sissy! C'mon, would a sissy continuously stuff his pie hole full of various carcinogenic pig parts after recovering from Stage IV colon cancer less than five years earlier? 9-9-9!! Manly Meat for president!!

Chris Heath: What's the best piece of pizza you've ever had?
Herman Cain: Obviously I'm going to say Godfather's.
Chris Heath: But is it true?
Herman Cain: It is true. It gets back to top-quality ingredients.

Obviously, I'm going to say you're full of shit because everyone knows Godfather's is the worst. Hell, not even Papa John will go near that shit.

Devin Gordon: Let me ask you about your rivals. Recently, in response to a question about you being the new "flavor of the month," you said you weren't a flavor of the month, you were Häagen-Dazs black walnut, which "tastes good all the time." If Mitt Romney was an ice cream flavor, what flavor would he be?
Herman Cain: Oh, just plain vanilla. [laughs]... Do you guys really want to do this ice cream analogy?
Devin Gordon: We do. Rick Perry?
Herman Cain: Rick Perry: rocky road.
Devin Gordon: Michele Bachmann?
Herman Cain: Michele Bachmann... I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it.
(Please don't say tits, please don't say tits!)
Devin Gordon: Oh, come on!
Herman Cain: Tutti-frutti. I know I'm going to get in trouble!
(At least he didn't say tits!)
Chris Heath: Ron Paul?
Herman Cain: Let me finish chewing! [pointing to the Godfather's-inspired pie] This is my favorite by far. I love the sausage, the mushrooms, the sausage. Love it.
Alan Richman: You know it could go on the menu.
Chris Heath: This is testosterone-packed.
(And you know how Herman loves his hot male hormones!)
Herman Cain: Yeah, loaded. If you're worried about cholesterol and calories, don't go into a pizza place in the first place.
Chris Heath: I threw you off. Ron Paul?
Herman Cain: I just don't have a good description for Ron Paul, because he's just not an ice cream flavor.

What, crusty old balls isn't a flavor?

Chris Heath: Completely different subject. I'm interested in this Donna Summer song that you quoted in the debates and you quoted in your book.
[In an August debate, in his closing statement, Cain quoted a favorite lyric sung by Donna Summer in "The Power of One," though he described her only as a "poet."—CH]
Herman Cain: I heard the song in a collage that NBC put together following the 2000 Olympics. And as it turns out, the song comes from the Pokémon movie, and I didn't know that.
(I always thought that was secret code for banging David Bowie's wife Iman!)
Chris Heath: It's the theme of the movie.

Herman Cain: That's what I've been told. And so I fell in love with this song, fell in love with how she sang the song, and fell in love with the words. Committed it to memory. Now, why did I commit it to memory? Because one of the things that I did before I ran for president is I was a professional speaker. Not a motivational speaker—an inspirational speaker. Motivation comes from within. You have to be inspired. That's what I do. I inspire people, I inspire the public, I inspire my staff. I inspired the organizations I took over to want to succeed. I love the song: [almost singing] Life can be a challenge / Life can seem impossible / It's never easy, when there is so much on the line / But you can make a difference. [laughs]
Chris Heath: Are you a big Donna Summer fan?
Herman Cain: Yes.
Chris Heath: What are other songs of hers that you love?
Herman Cain: [long pause] Didn't she do "Work Hard for Your Money"?
Chris Heath: Yes. [A Freudian-Republican inaccuracy on his part; he means "She Works Hard for the Money."—CH]
Herman Cain: That's one of my favorite ones.

Herman Cain likes a woman who knows how to work hard for her money, if you know what I mean. Wink wink.

Devin Gordon: What did you think about the fuss around your comments about Muslims. [Cain said in March that, if elected, he wouldn't feel "comfortable" appointing a Muslim to his cabinet] Did you think that you were treated fairly in that conversation? 
Herman Cain: No, because a lot of people misrepresented what I said. I know that there are peaceful Muslims, and there are extremists. I have nothing against peaceful Muslims. Nothing whatsoever. But I also know that we must be careful of extremists and we must be careful of the tendency by some groups in this country to infuse their beliefs into our laws and our culture.
Devin Gordon: Do you think that there is a greater tendency among the Muslim faith for that kind of extremism?
Herman Cain: That would be a judgment call that I'm probably not qualified to make, because I can't speak on behalf of the entire Muslim community.

Oh fuck it, he's never let that stop him before!

Herman Cain: I have talked with Muslims that are peaceful Muslims. And I have had one very well known Muslim voice say to me directly that a majority of Muslims share the extremist views...I can't tell you his name, but he is a very prominent voice in the Muslim community, and he said that.
Chris Heath: I just find that hard to believe.
Herman Cain: I find it hard to believe.
Chris Heath: But you're believing it? 
Herman Cain: Yes, because of the respect that I have for this individual. Because when he told me this, he said he wouldn't want to be quoted or identified as having said that.
(And also because he's the same man who believes an electrified fence surrounded by an alligator-infested moat is a reasonable immigration policy).

Thank heavens Herman Cain is very close with the voice of the American Muslim, and he is finally able to use this anonymous unverified source to reach a broad, sweeping generalization about an entire group of people. Because we all know how much Herman Cain loooooves anonymous, unnamed sources making serious allegations!

Chris Heath: You've said that you find it hard to be politically correct. Why do you find it hard?
Herman Cain: When you learn how to be politically correct, you sound like all of the other politicians.
(In that you actually make sense?)
Herman Cain: People like my directness and my bluntness. What happens when you become so worried about being politically correct, you find yourself not saying anything. Because you're trying to offend the least number of people. I'm trying to attract the greatest number of people. Different strategy.

Ummm, ok, so how does that work exactly? He says whatever his red meat-engorged heart desires and doesn't give a hoot if people get mad or who he offends because that will make, umm, more people like him??

Ow, my ladybrain hurts.

Chris Heath: Are you at all worried that you could say something that could derail everything?
Herman Cain: Uh, no. I could, but not worried about it. And if I did, so be it.
("Que Sera, Sera, Whatever Will Be, Will Be...")

Devin Gordon: So what's the final score card here? Which pizza was your favorite?
Herman Cain: The man pizza! The manly pizza! That was great. It was loaded; it had the great sausage on it. It had the mushrooms on it.
(But really it was the sausage.)
[Everybody rises to leave.]
Herman Cain: Hey, guys, I've enjoyed it. But it's been stressful. [laughs] That probably wasn't politically correct, was it?
Devin Gordon: Compared to Meet the Press?
Herman Cain: That was stressful!
Devin Gordon: We at least gave you pizza.
Herman Cain: Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did.

But you Herman Cain gave us much much more. All the manly sausage we ladyfolk could stomach. Oh, and whatever "meat" topping was on the pizza was pretty good too.

Guess you could say it was an offer we couldn't refuse.

Or at least if we wanted to keep our job, that is.

[image via Lisa F. Young/Shutterstock]

Rielle Goes Huntin' For Respect, Sans Pants, Amid Stuffed Kermit And Barney Dolls

Wholesome, American-as-apple-pie, love bunnies Johnny Edwards and Rielle Hunter's fairy tale romance of dull, cancer-stricken wives, reckless infidelity, unchecked hubris, mass delusions, unbridled lust, wild, sex-filled romps, and one surprise li'l bundle of joy by the name of Quinn is now available for your voyeuristic pleasure, courtesy of Rielle Hunter's classy yet sexy new interview with the National Enquirer of glossy men's fashion magazines, GQ.

With some 10,000 words and enough fun, care-free pantsless photos to keep us titillated, mistress-turned-baby mama Rielle Hunter finally decided to open up something other than her nice, toned legs and give America the real scoop about life, love, the wrath of Lizzy, scorned, and of course, her "relationship" with number one hunky hero, "Johnny."

Among the highlights, or lowlights depending on your taste for pathetic, bizarre love triangles involving fallen presidential candidates, snooty, terminally ill wives, and trashy, new age hippies:

-On her relationship with Edwards and their daughter, Quinn: "I love Johnny and I love my daughter more than anything in the world, and I don't want to ever do anything to hurt them or hurt their relationship."

Except for having daddy pretend the li'l bastard didn't exist for those first few formative years, lest the child feel confused, unloved, or like a big, fat, life-destroying mistake or anything.

-On her use of "Johnny": "Isn't that funny? You know, when I first met him, the first week of our relationship, I said to him, 'For some reason I cannot call you John, it doesn't come out. Could I call you Johnny?' And he said, 'That's my name.' And I didn't know that, but that's his actual birth name."

Right next to his other God-given full Christian name, smug, cheating, lying, no-good rat bastard.

-On Edwards' support of her GQ interview: "He's very supportive of me talking now. He believes that it's something that will help me be at peace with it. And he knows how important truth is to me. Factual truth as well as spiritual truth."

Okay, fine just incredible orgasms truth.

-On rumors that she initially hit on Edwards: "I'm not a predator, I'm not a gold digger, I'm not the stalker. I didn't have any power in that way in our relationship. He held all the power."

Trust me, the dude literally OWNS her.

-On Edwards' interview with ABC News, in which he reaffirmed his love for his wife, Elizabeth: "[I]t was very painful. Because I had this thing in my head like a lot of women, where you want your man to stand up on a cliff and scream, 'I LOVE HER.' You know, the knight in shining armor. And that wasn't what was going on."

Eh, more like the knight in shining armor who plunges his sword of chivalry and honor right through your maiden heart before chucking your lifeless body off said cliff onto the craggy rocks 5,000 ft below.

-GQ: "Did he call you after the interview?"

-Hunter: "Yes. And I said, 'Ouch, that hurt.' And he said, 'I'm sorry.' And 'It doesn't mean anything.' And it didn't. I know he loves me. I have never had any doubt at all about that. We love each other very much. And that hasn't changed, and I believe that will be till death do us part. The love doesn't go away. It's unconditional. It's unconditional on my part, but our connection is profound. There's a lot of passion there."

About 25 pounds of sweet passion who goes by the name of Quinn.

-On why she thinks Edwards loves her: "Um. How do I answer that? [long pause] I mean, I could give so many answers. I could give a spiritual answer, that I reflect back to him large parts of himself that were unconscious. Like, he's a huge, huge humanitarian. He is very kindhearted and sweet. He's very honest and truthful. And all of that was hidden."

An angel disguised as a deceitful egomaniac with a God-complex, and penchant for $500 haircuts, Italian leather shoes, and wild extramarital sex with weirdo videographers.

-On Edwards's fall from grace: "Everyone talks about how Johnny has fallen from grace. In reality, he's fallen to grace. He is integrated. He is living a life of truth. He has grown in awareness and humility. He had all these things within him, but they weren't the guiding, leading principles of his life. Now they are."

He just had to insert himself deep within Rielle first.

-On their future together: "I have no idea. I do know that I will love him and that love is till death do us part, and probably beyond. We have a child together, so at the very least we will be co-parents together."

But probably closer to the "I have no idea" part.

-On Edwards telling Hunter of his marital problems with Elizabeth: "Well, I was aware of it from the get-go. He doesn't lie to me...He discloses everything to me. And he has no fear of lying to me...He's not afraid of me. He'll tell me anything and everything. Even disclosing to me when women hit on him, and everything that was said, and if he flirted. He has no fear that I'm going to abuse him...

"... And I believe what happened in his marriage is, he could not go to his wife and say, 'We have an issue.' Because he would be pummeled. ... Most of his mistakes or errors in judgment were because of his fear of the wrath of Elizabeth. He's allowed himself to be pushed into a lot of things that he wouldn't normally do because of Elizabeth's story line. And the spin that she wants to put out there. He was emasculated. And you know, the wrath of Elizabeth is a mighty wrath."

See, it's all that bitch with the cancer Elizabeth's fault.

-On her empathy for Elizabeth: "Oh, my God, I have such compassion for her. I really do. I mean, especially when you have terminal cancer...I watched my father die of cancer. It's heart-wrenching to me. But it's also sad to me, her unwillingness to take responsibility for her part in the marriage. And her unwillingness to face the truth. We're all slaves to our unconscious, but she really believes that it's everyone else's fault. And that's heart-wrenching to me, too."

And that's why I stole her hubby, made a baby with him, and refuse to crawl back into the dank, dark D-List Hollywood hole I came from.

-On how Elizabeth discovered the affair: "And she came into the room or he heard her coming, so he hung up the phone abruptly...And then she confronted him and confronted him, and he finally confessed. He didn't confess like she claims in her book. You know, that he came in on December 30 and confessed that it was a one-night stand. That whole one-night-stand thing is not true."

It was many one-night-stands over the course of many passionate, love-making months, God Damn it!

-On when the affair ended: "My stint as a mistress ended July 2008. And then our relationship evolved into something different. ... That was when the National Enquirer — the whole Beverly Hilton thing. That changed our relationship. It changed him; it changed everything. And my stint as a mistress ended. And I was and am happy about that."

I mean a person can only whore around for so long before she starts getting restless, and demands a little more respect than wham bam thank you ma'am.

-On Edwards as a father to their daughter: "Um...he's sweet. He's very loving...She calls him Da-da...She's always known who Da-da is. Yeah. She's never had Da-da missing from her life...He very much wants to be in her life full-time, and he doesn't want to hide."

Shhhhhhh, I think Quinn's coming. Quick, get under the bed, try not breathe too much, and whatever you do, keep your stinkin' trap shut!

-On her being called "kooky": "Kooky. I think that I can give someone kooky, you know? I'm not conventional, I don't fit into a box. But I am grounded. Don't mistake...I am very grounded. People also say I'm crazy. And there's no crazy about me. At all...Perception is projection. Like, for instance, Josh Brumberger, who said in Game Change that I was at the Regency dressed more appropriately for a Grateful Dead concert. Because from Josh's perspective, I seemed weird and wacky. In reality, I was wearing a black TSE cashmere sweater, a Kenneth Cole suede jacket, and jeans. But in his mind, I'm dressed to go to a Grateful Dead concert. Total projection!"

Just like how everyone thinks I'm a dirty, good-for-nothing homewrecking whore who may or not be totally insane, is 100 percent total projection. An illusion, like Elizabeth and Johnny's marriage.

-On a potential Hunter/Edwards wedding: "To date [laughs], we have not spoken about any wedding plans."

Oh you know Johnny, he's such a romantic, I'm sure he's planning our nuptials now...right after he figures out the best way to send me on a way-one trip to becoming one with the heavenly spirit that flows freely from our third eye out to the cosmos and back again, in sweet divine harmony.

-On Andrew Young initially claiming paternity of Edwards' child: "It was Andrew's idea. The first time Andrew said it, I was on the phone with Johnny, and Johnny was screaming at me about the National Enquirer finding me and photographing me. He was very angry. And Johnny doesn't scream. He's not a screamer. But he was screaming at me that day, and Andrew suggested, right then and there, 'Hey, tell him that I'll claim I'm the father.'"

And Johnny stopped shrieking and crying just long enough to say "good idea, Drew. You pretend to be the unstable asshole father and I'll pretend to be a presidential candidate."

-On an alleged sex tape: "I'd love to answer that. But I filed papers and we're in a lawsuit, and I just can't talk about it. [Having sought and won a temporary restraining order to prevent the distribution of the tape, Hunter is suing the Youngs for invasion of privacy.] But I do look forward to talking about it in court, under oath. The truth of all that will come out in court."

Let's just say Johnny knows a thing or two about what women want. Trashy, sleazy home-wrecking hell women. It's like he almost is one of them.

-On the National Enquirer's Pulitzer potential: "To me it shows, as a society, how cut off from the truth we are, that a magazine that pays their sources and every once in a while gets something factually correct is now eligible for a Pulitzer. Wow, we're all going to hell."

No, just you and your angel-in-disguise soulmate Johnny!

-On what she would have done differently: "The only big thing that sticks out is, I never would have gone along with Andrew Young claiming paternity. I would have stood up to that and said, 'Absolutely not. I don't care what the consequences are, I'm done.'"

Well, actually that's not the only thing that sticks out, but I am a respectable woman, and mama always said a real lady never kiss and tells.

-On knowing the very first night that you were something special to him: "I did know, yes. I did know the first night. We had an extraordinary night, and I did know that this was unlike anything either of us had ever experienced. And as we have all learned, that was accurate! [laughs] He in fact did say to me the first night, "Falling in love with you could really fuck up my plans for becoming President."

On the other hand, fucking you is a sure-fire path to the presidency.

To which Rielle of course said, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

Or just have Him spend some alone time with Rielle.

It's great for relieving tension. When you're with her, it's like the weight of the world just sort of washes away, right along with your judgment, dignity, self-respect, marriage, and any chances of being the next great commander-in-chief to catch a couple BJs in the Oval Office by someone other than the wifey.

It's called respect.

Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee, Lousy With Virginity...