Sex, Lies, And Videotape

America's original $400 hair cut, philandering Southern gentleman John Edwards thought he was sitting pretty after Vegas playboy Sen. John Ensign and lovestruck Latina lothario Gov. Mark Sanford recently admitted their own extramarital affairs.

Certainly this will make everyone forget all about Johnny's little sexual indiscretion while his wife battled cancer and he ran for president of America, right?

Well maybe. If, in addition to repeatedly sowing his political oats in former mistress Rielle Hunter's fertile womb and likely impregnating her in the process, he didn't also decide to be DC's answer to Paris Hilton and videotape one of their hot sex romps for all the world to see.

That is, according to former Edwards aide Andrew Young in his new book proposal ($) with St. Martin's Press, which offers a decidedly different approach than wifey Elizabeth's scorned-but-forgiving media tour across America.

Like how Young's belief in Edwards "ran so deep that he agreed to take the fall for the candidate" even pretending to be the baby daddy and inviting the mysteriously pregnant Miss Hunter to live with him, his wife, Cheri, and their three children. He even agreed to be resettled with his family all the way to California where Rielle and her bastard child could live in comfortable anonymity, away from the prying eyes of Elizabeth, the media, and other unsavory types trying to catch Johnny in a, shall we say, compromising position.

It was while unpacking in his new home in sunny California that Young discovered the said videotape featuring John Edwards and Rielle Hunter, who had been hired by the Edwards campaign to record the candidate’s movements, engaging in some positions not exactly on his official platform.

Young also said that Rielle confided to him that she and Edwards talked about getting married should the candidate’s cancer-stricken wife, Elizabeth god-forbid pass away, even discussing what music they’d play at their wedding. How adorable!

But that's not it. Young's "impossible to put down" proposal also claims that Sen. Edwards frequently clashed with boring, long-faced running mate John Kerry during their doomed, arugula eating 2004 race, and that John Edwards told him that Barack Obama promised to make him attorney general if he didn’t pick him as his 2008 running mate.

Instead, Elizabeth got John and we got Joe Biden. Everyone wins!

Don't Cry For Me Argentina

Another day, another Republican politician caught with his pants down (gasp!). What is the Grand Old Party of traditional family values to do?

When we first heard the terrible news that South Carolina governor Mark Sanford was missing, we like the rest of the nation, were praying for his safe return from wherever he was. Off writing alone on the Appalachian Trail or something...

But turns out he wasn't simultaneously writing and hiking at all, unless of course you, like his office staff, consider sleeping with a sexy Argentinian babe who isn't his wife roughing it in the wilderness.

So after going AWOL for seven days and giving South Carolina its second heart attack since that secret Muslim terrorist was elected President, Gov. Mark Sanford finally admitted that those "projects" he'd been so diligently working on was really a beautiful Argentinian woman named Maria.

My apologies to Kitty and Monica. Guess we were waaaaay off...

"I've developed a relationship with what started as a dear, dear friend from Argentina. It began very innocently as many of these things do. A couple of e-mails back and forth...But recently over this last year it developed into something much more than that."

You know how those crazy Internets work! One minute you're emailing a friend, the next thing you know you're going incognito to have an illicit sex romp with your Latina mistress 4,797 miles across the Atlantic.

“What I did was wrong, period,” he said. “I spent the last five days crying in Argentina.”

Oh we bet you did, Governor! Until not a drop of fluid remained.