When Not Crying, Glenn Beck Does Important Things Like Mocking 11-Year-Old First Daughters Named Malia

No one really expects fallen drunkard turned born again Moron Mormon rodeo clown Glenn Beck to act like anything other than a circus sideshow freak who just got his hands on the miraculous twin inventions of the chalkboard and accompanying white tube with which to write.

So it really comes as no surprise that America's chubby, blue-eyed, blond-haired angel of teary-eyed truth took his one-man monologue on the ravages mental illness to the airwaves to rant about the newest enemy of freedom, 11-year-old Malia Obama for her hilariously naive "preteen" question about BP's oil leak catastrophe, "Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?"

Hahahahahah! OMG, can you believe how stupid that Malia girl is? What is she like 11 or 12 or something? God, where did she get that education? Some terrible place like Chicago or Kenya? If only she had someone smart and intelligent, without any formal college education (elitist!) like Glenn Beck to teach her the ways of the world.

Maybe then she wouldn't be such a loser!

Good thing Glenn's own kids wouldn't say anything stupid and childish like that! Probably because they don't even know how to speak or formulate an actual question, but hey let's not rip on anyone's off-limits family because that wouldn't be very nice or sensitive. But then again, his Foxy ratings may go up, i.e. the opposite way of his IQ! You with me? Huh? I can't hear you! I said who's with me, people??

Apparently, the central tenets of Glenny's "leave the families alone" motto only applies to people Glenn Beck doesn't particularly care for, including stillborn babies and the incompetent mothers who miscarried them. Especially when the mother happens to be guilty of the terrible crime known as being married to the host of a rival morning show in the same market as a certain principled pillar of integrity, a Mr. Glenn Lee Beck.

Otherwise, like in the case of say, sexy, former half-governors named Sarah Palin, it is absolutely unacceptable to attack a person's rather large family, whether they--unwed teenage mother with newborn miracles of God (special needs and otherwise) in tow--are paraded all over town, or not.

"Leave my family, leave people's families alone...When it was Bill Clinton, you don't go after Chelsea Clinton," Beck said. "You don't talk about the Bush kids. Now, the minute they get into politics, that's a different story. You leave the families alone."

Except of course when that family happens to be of the terrible Socialist Kenyan Obama variety. Then by all means. The sky's the limit!

BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy? Daddy? Daddy, did you plug the hole yet? Daddy?
PAT GRAY (co-host): (imitating Obama) No I didn't, honey.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy, I know you're better than [unintelligible]
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Mm-hmm, big country.
BECK: (imitating Malia) And I was wondering if you've plugged that hole yet.
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Honey, not yet.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Why not, daddy? But daddy--
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Not time yet, honey. Hasn't done enough damage.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Not enough damage yet, honey.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yeah?
BECK: (imitating Malia) Why do you hate black people so much?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) I'm part white, honey.
BECK: (imitating Malia) What?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) What?
BECK: (imitating Malia) What'd you say?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Excuse me?
BECK: (laughing) This is such a ridiculous -- this is such a ridiculous thing that his daughter-- (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: It's so stupid.
BECK: How old is his daughter? Like, thirteen?
GRAY: Well, one of them's, I think, thirteen, one's eleven, or something.
BECK: "Did you plug the hole yet, daddy?" Is that's their -- that's the level of their education, that they're coming to -- they're coming to daddy and saying 'Daddy, did you plug the hole yet?' " Plug the hole!
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yes, I was doing some deep-sea diving yesterday, and--
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I was doing--
BECK: (imitating Malia) Why--
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yeah, honey, I'm--
BECK (imitating Malia) Why, why, why, why, do you still let the polar bears die? Daddy, why do you still let Sarah Palin destroy the environment? Why are -- Daddy, why don't you just put her in some sort of a camp?

Oh, daddy why did that awful, fat effeminate buffoon on Fox news, Glenn Beck's daddy not love him? Why did his mommy have to go kill herself and leave li'l Glenny all by his lonesome with nothing but a bottle of Jack Daniels to keep him warm 'n cuddly at night? Why does a 46-year-old "newscaster" feel the need to put Vick's Vapo Rub in his eyes to feign tears, or publicly bash a sweet, 11-year-old girl's innocent question about how to stop 50 million gallons of delicious oil from spewing into the Gulf of Mexico?

Daddy, why do brain-dead people with no tact, no sense, and no class find a way to get super rich and famous by being that one token idiot people like because it makes them feel better about their own miserable, pathetic lives.

Why can't I grow up to be a hypocritical, blathering butt of late night jokes and SNL skits who contradicts every word he utters, while selling his soul to the highest bidder? No not God, silly, Rupert Murdoch!

Why can't I hit the big time by writing nonsense words and pretend flow charts on a chalkboard so people think I know what I am talking about when I am really just drawing random squiggle lines, circles, and fun geometric shapes like swastikas!

Perhaps somewhere in his pure (albino) white soul, Glenn may have felt a tinge of remorse for "impersonating" Malia by speaking in a little baby voice (different from his regular one!), questioning her education level, and insinuating that she asks her father why he hates black people.

In fact, Glenny poo is such a sweetheart that he released a statement apologizing for his actions:

"In discussing how President Obama uses children to shield himself from criticism, I broke my own rule about leaving kids out of political debates. The children of public figures should be left on the sidelines. It was a stupid mistake and I apologize—and as a dad I should have known better."

But as a 46 year-old man-child fluke of nature/one wild night of drunken unprotected passion, I didn't.

Just like Malia should have known better than to ask her pops a vague question like "Did you plug the hole yet, daddy?"

Cause when you put it that way, it could mean well, anything really. Like say the uncontrollable poison spewing hole between Glenn Beck's nose and chin. That shit's needed to be plugged for years.

But no matter what we do, we can't seem to stop the torrent of toxic waste and slime oozing from deep within his big fat pie hole.

Hmmm, the nuclear option's starting to sound better every day!

This Just In: Barack Obama's Entire Family Is Officially Black...Gasp!

OMG!! So, while we were off stuffing our fat faces full of marshmallow Peeps and Cadbury Creme Eggs in celebration of our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ's miraculous resurrection from the sweet hereafter, President Barack Obama was secretly filling out his evil Socialist Census, and what does Mr. Community Organizer go and do?

Finally 'fesses up and checks the box for "Black, African American or Negro." GASP!!

Which means, wait for it...our president, THE 44th president of the United States is...actually a person of color!? And to think, we were always under the impression he just had nice, deep glowing tan, like Italian prime minster Silvio Berlusconi is so fond of saying.

Well this just changes everything!

I mean who knows what else our President is hiding (other than his real birth certificate, of course!). Who knows if he even won the election by getting all those popular and electoral votes, or if he stole the darn thing right from under John McCain's old, maverick nose?? (With help from the elitist, arugula-eating, Jew-run liberal media, no doubt!)

What about his supposed white mom from Kansas? Does the guy even have a mom, or do they not do the whole "mom" thing over in Kenya? Maybe it's more of a two-daddy type thing over there. Like San Francisco, or Des Moines, Iowa (now that's its gone to the gays) or God forbid, even, Provincetown.

What we do know for sure is that President Barack Obama a). hates all white people, everywhere and b). filled out the Census for himself, alleged first lady Michelle Obama, their two, so-called "daughters" Sasha and Malia, and Michelle's mother Marian Robinson, who lives with the family in the White House. Which, one can only assume, is a custom unique to secret Muslim terrorists pretending to be Barry from the block.

Of course, this isn't the first time Obama's multiracial heritage has been front page fodder, the butt of late night talk show hosts, or a sure sign of the End of Days for wingnuts and assorted other patriots of white robes and matching hoods.

Even sassy host of last year's nerd prom (aka the White House Correspondents' Association dinner), comedian (and lesbian!) Wanda Sykes couldn't resist getting in on the hilarious multicolored action.

"The first black president!" she joked.

"I'm proud to be able to say that. That's unless you screw up. And then it's going to be, 'What's up with the half-white guy?'"

Not anymore, my friend, not anymore!

Birds, Birdbrains, and Barack: Presidential Turkey Pardons Through The Ages

Doesn't it seem like just yesterday when the leader of this fair country was a brave cowboy named George W. Bush, every day was filled with sunshine and rainbows, and there was nary a care in the world?

Ah yes, those lazy days when America was blessed with the maverick stylings of a certain Wasilla wonder before she ditched her political ambitions (and the state of Alaska) to Go Rogue ($7 million times over) and become the world's most famous star on Facebook!

But luckily we can all give thanks knowing we'll always have cherished memories of those glory days when nothing spread holiday cheer like a good, old fashioned turkey massacre, courtesy of our favorite Alaskan snowflake Sarah Palin, in all her true brilliance.

And to think it would be a whole year and 133 pages into Going Rogue to truly understand the sheer brilliance of a woman who feels most comfortable conducting holiday interviews amid a backdrop of blood, guts, and squawking turkeys shoved into meat grinders!


“If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?” Going Rogue, p.133

Or gave them beautiful ivory tusks and antlers, if He didn't intend for us to use them as office decorations? I mean there's only so many hides and horns and a room can handle before it just becomes downright gaudy!

Of course in the dark ages before the Internets and YouTube, we were spared from such cruel and awkward moments, best captured by a single B&W or color photo, if anything at all, to be relegated to the dustbins of the Oval Office, when the U.S. president is forced to humor the rest of us simpletons by pardoning a turkey in some ridiculous presidential tradition.



But thanks all this off-the-hook youth technology, we now have full length videos capturing every painfully awkward moment of our very own president Barack Obama's best attempt to deal with the humiliating reality of granting freedom to fowl by "joking" about wishing he was "doing something other than pardoning a turkey and sending it to Disneyland."

But since duty calls, he was "pleased to announce that "thanks to the interventions of Malia and Sasha--because I was planning to eat this sucker--'Courage' will also be spared this terrible and delicious fate."

Not so for Sasha and Malia who were forced to alternately chill, squirm and occasionally rock back-and-forth in typical tween boredom while their Dad said some funny stuff, some stuff they didn't get but he found really funny (soooo embarrassing when he does that!), some smart, boring stuff, blah blah blah...did he say Bo? Bo wouldn't kill "Courage," Daddy, stop laughing, that isn't funny!...Wonder if he's ever gonna stop talking...blah blah blah for approx. 7 mins and 56 until he was done and they could finally go chow down on Courage's first-cousin, Cowardice.

Fine lookin' bird!

Westboro Baptist Church Doesn't Much Care For Homos or Bobbsey Twins of Sin Sasha & Malia

The freakshows and whackjobs who make up the Westboro Baptist Church, the redheaded stepchild of fringe anti-gay groups, famous for protesting at military funerals, carrying signs such as "Thank God for 9/11," and blaming the world's woes on the dreaded sin of homosexuality have set their sights on another deviant threat to humanity: those awful Obama girls.

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church, founded by original closeted(?) head case Fred Phelps and made up mostly of fellow nutballs with the last name Phelps (no relation to Michael Phelps, who will burn in hell for smoking pot and engaging in the homosexual activity known as the Olympic butterfly) have decided to take their miserable, hate-filled lives to Sidwell Friends, Sasha and Malia Obama's private school in DC, to protest their three favorite abominations of God: the gays, abortion, and (of course) black Muslim presidents.

The picketers, whose lives are so fulfilling they find it necessary to protest nearly every day around Washington, D.C., to stalk little girls while they're at school to warn them against the scourge of homosinuality, the terrible disease responsible for everything from the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, to the ensuing wars, and even the mass shooting at Fort Hood as God's punishment for tolerating queers.

As part of their GodHatesFags.com tour schedule, the group plans to picket the Fort Hood memorial service this Tuesday, a few more local schools and the White House throughout the week, and if they get really lucky, some flamer's funeral who died while serving their country, or as a result of contracting God's cure for fags, AIDS.

But today the lovely members of Westboro Baptist will take their sideshow circus to Sidwell Friends Lower School, the traditionally Quaker school attended by the Obama girls to fulfill Jesus' mission terrorizing others over their own suppressed homosexual desires to dress up in stiletto heels and a mini-skirt and be Queen for a day.

The posting for today's Sidwell Friends Westboro protest reads, "Quakers?! Are you frigging kidding me? You pretend to be all non-violent, and you allow the most bloody, deceitful, evil, murderous bastard and his shemale sidekick to place their satanic spawn within your four walls?"

"So, the Quakers are in favor of abortion, now? How is that nonviolent? Anything to keep the money rolling in, huh hypocrites? Antichrist Obama said for all the world to hear, "Look, I've got two daughters. Nine years old and six years old. I'm gonna teach them first of all about values and morals, but if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby...So, you have this bloody, deceitful, lying Antichrist admitting that he will happily slaughter any grand child who is an inconvenience for him. And you are taking his money? This place is NOT of God...Little children, keep yourselves from idols. Amen. Praise God for showing these vermin for just what they are. AMEN!

Yes, Praise the lord for revealing Sasha and Malia as the tween sewer rats they are, buff First Lady Michelle as the tranny sidekick of that bloody, lying Antichrist Barack Hussein Obama, and the decent God-loving folks in the Westboro Baptist Church as the pillars of the community.

The inbred, bigoted, low-life, redneck trash community, but hey a pillar is still a pillar, right?

Ellis Turner, the associate head of school at Sidwell Friends, said the school took no action to remove the protesters.

"We support the First Amendment here, so there was nothing we wanted to do about it," he said. "There was nothing they did other than offend those who didn't agree with their bigoted viewpoints."

Yes, but what about those who don't believe the public should be forced to look at snaggle-toothed trashballs with rolls of fat hanging out of their ill-fitting pants and yellow sweat stains every time they lift their blubbery arms to hold up some sign enumerating the various ways gays should die and how the pope is a lying whore who rapes children.

Hmmm, looks like the teabaggers have themselves some competition!