John Ensign Is Nothing Like Bill Clinton, Except For Cheating On His Wife

One thing we know for certain about John Ensign is that he is not Bill Clinton.

Sure, he was banging his buddy's wife and former campaign aide Cynthia Hampton for a good six months or so before getting caught (oops!) and begging his megarich, stud parents to bail his philandering ass out by paying the Hampton Family $96,000 in hush money. Or, as the Ensign's like to call it, "generous gifts in the form of eight $12,000 checks to Doug, Cindy and two of their children out of concern for the well-being of long-time family friends during a difficult time" and also so the sum wouldn’t have to be declared as taxable income. Neat trick!

But unlike that slimeball Bill Clinton who absolutely deserved to be impeached as President of the United States for his sordid affair, Ensign's sexual indiscretion is totally cool because he "didn’t lie under oath like Clinton did and hasn't done anything legally wrong."

Thus, he is fully justified in voting to throw Clinton's sleazy ass out of office for getting blown in the White House in '98 but refusing to do the same now that it's his charming sexcapades and resignation everyone is talking about!

Sometimes sorry is just not good enough!

"President Clinton stood right before the American people and he lied to the American people," Ensign said. "You remember that famous day he lied to the American people, plus the fact I thought he suborned perjury. That's why I voted for the articles of impeachment."

Not because he's a lying, two-faced fraud and pathetic hypocrite who had to have Mommy and Daddy save him from the consequences of letting li'l Johnny down there run things instead of the morally crusading, 51-year-old beloved Nevada senator, who as a former member of the House, crucified Bill Clinton because his impeccable character, pure heart, and honorable conduct qualified him to make such weighty moral judgments about others.

Another Day, Another Republican Senator's Innocent Airport Meltdown

Louisiana's Own Sen. David Vitter

Uh-Oh, looks like the Republicans have found themselves in another pickle involving an esteemed colleague acting like a total jackass in a (very public) U.S. airport.

Fortunately, this little incident doesn't include the words "soliciting gay sex" and "men's bathroom," thanks to Louisiana Sen. David Vitter whose recent airport temper tantrum was more of the arrogant a**hole than closeted gay Republican senator variety.

Sen. Vitter's latest run-in since getting busted with hookers in the "DC madam" escort service scandal in 2007, came last Thursday after missing a flight from Washington to New Orleans.

After being told that the door had been closed twenty minutes prior to departure, Vitter proceeded to do what any normal person would do in the situation, which is attempt to open the the armed security door anyway, set off the alarm, and scream "do-you-know-who-I-am" to anyone wearing wings on their lapel.

The airline worker then told Vitter he was summoning security who would perhaps be more impressed by his senatorial pin than the other airline employees.

But Vitter must have been in quite a rush, because by the time the agent returned with a security guard, the senator was long gone.

He had a lot to do, like issue a statement about how he worked so hard "on the Senate floor ensuring a vote on my anti-pay-raise amendment and was in such a rush to make my flight home for town hall meetings the next day, I accidentally went through a wrong door at the gate."

He then accidentally scrammed the hell out of the airport just like any other rational, clear-thinking senator with nothing to hide.