A Quitter Never Wins & A Winner Never Quits, Which Is Why Sarah Palin Will Just Go Ahead & Be A Loser Who Always Quits

Take a deep breath, America. Sarah Palin's awful, vomit-inducing, toxic reign of idiocy is officially over. It's true! On the momentous 5th day of October in the 2011th year of mankind, the nation's, no, no, make that the world's, most famous grifter-quitter-grandma from hell (aka Wasilla), Sarah Louise Palin, aka Lou Sarah aka Mama Grizz aka Barracuda aka lipstick wearing pitbull hockey mom aka ‘Orora’ announced SHE IS NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT of Fox News, short-lived reality teevee shows, making Mittens Romney actually look electable, getting humiliated by Barack Obama for the second time in four years.

Terribly sad, I know. Now what will we do when we want to feel all dead and empty inside? Who can America turn to to lower our collective IQ with little more than a kiss, wink, inverted syntax, a you betcha or two, and all the faux victimhood Sarah Palin can cram into one grammatically incorrect sentence?

I guess, there will still be Fox News!

But perhaps the most fitting tribute comes from former McCain adviser Nicolle Wallace, who was assigned by the McCain '08 campaign to help Sarah get through her day without ruining everything, only to discover you can't control crazy!

Could it be this very experience with the Wasilla wonder herself, that inspired Wallace's new political novel that "explores what would happen if a woman were plucked from relative obscurity and elected Vice President of the United States - only to find herself completely unprepared for the job."

Hmmm...

“The idea of a mentally ill vice president who suffers in complete isolation was obviously sparked by the behaviors I witnessed by Sarah Palin.”

Not the Sarah Palin, the awesomest, most quittingest human being that has ever hunted moose from helicopters!

Well, first let me just say that the novel is by no means meant to build a case against Sarah Palin. However, to the extent that the people around [the fictional vice president] Tara watched in this troubled state of confusion, despair and helplessness as she flailed around — that was something I experienced. Palin vacillated between extraordinary highs on the campaign stage — she ignited more enthusiasm than our side had seen at any other point — to debilitating lows. She was often withdrawn, uncommunicative and incapable of performing even the most basic tasks required of her job as McCain’s running mate.

Wait, what? I thought the whole point was to make John McCain look less like a fossilized Alzheimer's victim and more like elder statesman who is aware that Africa is an actual continent not a country or that Toto song she totally rocked out to in the '80s.

What if somebody who was ill-equipped for the office were to ascend to the presidency or vice presidency? What would they do? How long would it take for people to figure it out? I became consumed by this question.

Lucky for us all, Nicolle, it didn't take "people" that long to figure it out, which is probably why the McCain-Palin ticket scared the bejesus out of everyone not insane or incarcerated.

The system works, sort of!

"After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States," Sarah Palin said in a statement.

So, there is a God!

"I believe that at this time I can be more effective in a decisive role to help elect other true public servants to office and because "a third party would guarantee Obama's re-election, and that's the last thing that our Republic can afford."

Probably because its already spent everything funding Sarah Palin's personal cash-for-clunkers program, her presidential ponzi scheme/perma-victim tour across the US of A.

"As always, my family comes first..."

That is unless they are sick or pregnant or in the hospital or or makin' precious li'l miracles in the back of Levi's pickup or need something while I am Tweeting or Facebooking or traveling or sleeping or awake or hunting or rocking on my front porch watching Russia or anything important like that.

"From the bottom of my heart I thank those who have supported me and defended my record throughout the years, and encouraged me to run for President."

Well there you have it! The Earth-shattering news (other than that Sarah Palin does indeed have a heart), is that a person no one likes announced they are not running for a job they didn't want, couldn't do, and wouldn't get anyway.

"Know that by working together we can bring this country back – and as I've always said, one doesn't need a title to help do it."

A functioning brain, on the other hand, is pretty much required.

[image via Gawker]

Makin' Mama Proud: Bristol Palin Rides A Mechanical Bull, Gets Into Bar Fight With Angry Homosexual

Like most new 20-year-old single mothers, Bristol Palin spent her Thursday night riding a mechanical bull and screaming at some gay guy in a West Hollywood bar because that's what underage, abstinence-crusading hillbillies do when shamelessly grifting, err, filming themselves being idiots for some dumb reality teevee show nobody's going to watch anyway.

So there's Bristol, minding her own business, innocently flailing around on the one Saddle Ranch bar patron that wouldn't accidentally impregnate her, when suddenly, out of a nowhere, a homosexual appears. And not just any homosexual, but an angry, screaming, active homosexual who doesn't much care for Bristol's mother, Alaskan empress Sarah Palin, or her annoying, unemployed offspring either.

So Bristol did what most anyone would do when confronted by a drunk stranger, and marches over to the screamer, demanding to know if "he is a homosexual," because that is how you insult someone Alaska-style.

Good thing the cameras were still rolling!

From CBS LA:

“Did you ride Levi like that? Your mother is a whore! Your mother is a f***ing devil!” he shouts.
Palin approaches the man and asks, “Is it because you’re a homosexual and that’s why you hate her?”
“Pretty much … and why’d you say I’m a homosexual?” he responds.
“Because I can tell you are,” Bristol says.
“You’re f***ing white trash from Wasila!” he screams as she leaves with her production crew. “F*** you, you f***ing b***h!”
At one point, the man also tells Palin that he doesn’t believe in hell, but that if it exists, he believes her mother will go there.

Ummm, what do you think Alaska is? The freakin' Garden of Eden?

Anyway, I totally know what you're thinking, "Doesn't the bull usually ride the cow?"

Funny thing is, they had to give the mechanical bull a few stiff ones before it would let Bristol mount it.

Kinda like Levi.

The Great American Scheme: Send Sarah Money To See Sarah Run!

No one, I mean no one, knows how to make a killing from doing nothing quite like grifter-quitter-grandma extraordinaire Sarah Palin. Hell, it's not her fault, she was born that way!

And being the kind of psycho, narcissistic, fame whore who thinks she's entitled to moose piles of money for ridin' around the county yellin' crazy racist stuff at old white people in a custom-made, American flag-covered tour bus tribute to herself, Sarah Palin has devised yet another "fool-proof" way to bilk the hard-working public out of their hard-earned money by continuing to pretend anyone other than mindless zombie hockey moms and Wasilla's nursing home community would actually elect her president of the National Mushing Association, let alone the United States.

Seriously, who knew waiting around, doing nothing could be so profitable!? Other than SarahPAC treasurer Tim Crawford, of course!

As you may know, Gov. Palin is on the verge of making her decision of whether or not to run for office.
It’s one of the most difficult and important decisions of her life. And I want her to know that she has our support.
Gov. Palin is a proven leader. She’s a common-sense conservative who fights for the rights of Americans like you and me — not special interests or big corporations.
Meanwhile, Barack Obama’s presidency is a disaster. One in five working-age men are out of work. One in seven Americans are on food stamps. Thirty percent of our mortgages are under water. Parts of Michigan and California are suffering from unemployment numbers that are greater than during the depths of the Great Depression.
Someone must save our nation from this road to European Socialism. Do you think it should be Gov. Palin?
If so, can you send your best, one-time gift to SarahPAC today to help her elect more common-sense conservatives - and show her that we support her if she decides to run?

YES WE CAN!! YES WE CAN!! Because, yes, underlining random words and phrases does make it sound less like a shakedown, particularly if your choice for president also happens to be the one begging for your last twenty dollars.

It's your lucky day, America! You have the once-in-a-lifetime once-every-four-years opportunity to give Sarah Palin lots of money, so she can maybe think about keeping her streak of losing to better, more qualified candidates alive. Or not.

On second thought, stop thinking at all and just hand over the fucking cash.

Oh, and if you choose to send a check instead, always remember to heed Sarah's advice and quit writing it halfway through. Ya know, common sense!

[image via AP]

The Wheels On The Bus Go Round & Round, Except In Sarah Palin's Case When They Get Dizzy & Quit

While the world was busy pouring over silly, trivial summer news stories like illegal wars in Libya, the Grand Old Party's Grand Old War on poor people, and esteemed members of Congress tweeting fuzzy pics of their own esteemed members, the rest of us were breathlessly waiting for real, important news stories about Sarah Palin getting back on her ridiculous Constitution-covered bus and driving through more states on some dumb RV road trip, grifter tour through the Lower 48, faux presidential campaign extravaganza.

Until, like so many of our fellow patriots with bills to pay but no job by which to pay them, our hopes and dreams were abruptly shattered in one fell swoop: Sarah Palin's wild bus ride adventures talking to old white people is no more!

Oh, the humanity!

Like every other task she starts, minus birthing precious li'l miracles of God, former half-term governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin decided to up and quit halfway through her bus ride for freedom, too.

WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY SEEN THIS COMING??

Ummm, anyone with a brain probably.

RealClearPolitics reports:

Though Palin and her staff never announced a timeline for the remaining legs of her trip, aides had drafted preliminary itineraries that would have taken her through the Midwest and Southeast at some point this month. But those travel blueprints are now in limbo, RCP has learned, as Palin and her family have reverted to the friendly confines of summertime Alaska, where the skies are currently alight for over 19 hours a day and the Bristol Bay salmon fishing season is nearing its peak.

As Palin enjoys her sojourn to the 49th state, she has not reconnected with key early-state figures like Iowa Gov. Terry Branstad and South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley, and she may have jeopardized whatever political momentum she gained from her recent reemergence in the 2012 discussion. Her political action committee's website still greets visitors with a stale banner, announcing the nationwide bus tour beginning "[t]his Sunday, May 29th."

More than a few of Palin's core supporters have grown impatient and confused about her strategy, venting their frustration on Internet fan sites.

Wait, what? "Palin's core supporters have grown impatient and confused?" Hahaha, that doesn't even make sense! Everyone knows they've never grown anything except maybe their waistlines, and have always been, currently are, and will forever be confused. It's pretty much a requirement.

As you'd expect America's most distinguished quitter Sarah Louis Palin is, of course, furious that the awful lamestream media simply assumed she quit her bus tour (because it's pretty much what she always does) and took to her favoritest Facebook to speak her mind.

"Imagine our surprise when reading media reports today that the “One Nation Tour” has been cancelled. Why didn’t anyone tell me? Oh, wait, that’s because it hasn’t been cancelled. (Good ol' media... you never cease to amaze!)"

Seriously, when will you media people learn that stopping her "Half Nation" bus tour and returning to Alaska does not mean "quitting." It means, snowbilly grifters get tired and stressed and need to take a vacation from their vacations sometimes.
Besides, if you nosy bastards must know, Palin was called home for "jury duty," which is Alaskan for salmon fishing and getting laid.

"As I said myself at the end of the east coast leg of the tour, the summer is long, and I’m looking forward to hitting the open road again. The coming weeks are tight because civic duty calls (like most everyone else, even former governors get called up for jury duty) and I look forward to doing my part just like every other Alaskan."

"I wouldn’t think it to be such a slow news day that, what with numerous wars and serious economic woes concerning Americans, a bus is driving news stories today. The next leg of the tour continues when the time comes. In the meantime, no one should jump to conclusions – certainly not the media with their long track record of getting things wrong or just making things up."

That's Sarah's job!

Wait, don't call it a job. If she knew being a talentless, scheming ne'er-do-well who steals attention from hard-working, struggling Americans was in itself a full-time job, she'd just quit that too.