New Poll Finds 58 Percent Of Republicans Are Actually Insane Birthers

It is no secret that the Republican Party is in the midst of a severe identity crisis. They just can't decide who they are or what they want to be! Are they a proud group of fiscal conservatives with a healthy aversion to big, bad government? Or are they the party of kooks and wingnuts who hate the coloreds so much they'll do anything to prove Barack Hussein Obama isn't a real citizen of White, Christian America, even if it means listening to a blue-eye shadow loving Jewish dentist-lawyer-real estate agent...from Russia (gasp!)?

Turns out they're the latter. Surprise!

A whopping 58 percent of self-identified Republicans (yes, they still make those) either think President B. Hussein Obama wasn't born in the United States (28 percent) or aren't quite sure (30 percent) where the hell this secret Muslim elitist came from (Hint: Kenya). You can never trust those certificates of live birth nowadays!

True, 42 percent of loyal GOPers do concede Obama is a natural born citizen of the U.S. of A, but no one cares what these pseudo-Republicans think anyway since they obviously don't care about America being hijacked by a Muslim socialist.

Perhaps the biggest surprise from this fun little poll of craziness is the farther South you go and older you get, the more you start believing the crazy, (not) lightly-veiled racist rantings of pill-popping talk radio god Rush Limbaugh and insane Fox News host Glenn "Madman" Beck.

Luckily, 77 percent of Americans in general think the president is actually a U.S. citizen and not a migrant Kenyan. Which means not everyone in the country is a Republican or a 75-year old former Klansmen with two-teeth, a loaded shotgun, hair-trigger temper, and a zero-tolerance policy for any Negro, Jew or Homo who wanders onto his front lawn.