Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Elton Asks Rush "Can You Feel The Love Tonight?" Or At Least Until The Next Gold Digging Trophy Wife Comes Along

Adorable cuddlebug and melodious voice of right-wing nutjobs, teabaggers, and retired Klansmen from sea to shining sea, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III finally achieved his life-long dream to be married more times than numbers in his name. Woohoo!!

This is no easy feat, my friends! But Rushy couldn't have reached this impressive once-in-a-lifetime once-every-couple-of-years milestone without the help of some good friends, a few fine li'l numbers, a handful of scorned shrews (aka ex-wifey's uno, dos, and tres), and of course a couple hundred mil to make the thought of bedding an obese 59-year-old pill addict more than just a terrifying nightmare that jolts you from your sleep, sweaty and trembling, and thanking sweet Jesus that it was all just a terrible dream.

Guess some gals just have all the luck!  

But that's not it! Limbaugh's newest lucky ladyfriend--wooed by a sudden Rush of $exy $tudness while divorcing his third wife--is a lovely 33-year-old party planner from Florida by the name of Kathryn Rogers.

And party plan she sure did! To the tune of a cool ONE MILLION DOLLARS to have a super famous, super homosexual (gay-married!) British piano player, singer, songwriter, and AIDS activist (ewww, gross!) known as Sir Elton John don a skin-tight unitard, platform shoes, star-studded shades, and serenade the equally hideous star-studded crowd with "The Bitch Is Back," "I'm Still Standing," and "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" into the wee hours Saturday night at Florida's fabled Breakers hotel in Palm Beach.

How exciting!

But the sexiest part (aside from the flamer in sunglasses and space suit, and lovable, bloated groom kissing his 4th true love), was of course the stars, celebs, and scumbags invited to the blowout bash, all 400 of Rush's nearest and dearest!

Cool famous types and upstanding citizens of humanity like Karl Rove, Fred Thompson, Sean Hannity, James Carville, Rudy Giuliani, Clarence Thomas and assorted other oily remnants of the catastrophic disaster washin' up Florida's coast.

A wedding bonanza that couldn't have been any more fabulous if God Himself (no not Rush, the other all-powerful one...in the sky) decided to unleash fire and brimstone fury upon the lucky attendees in a spontaneous moment of joyous apocalyptic poetry.

After tying the noose knot and enjoying their personal Elton John concert, the newlyweds hopped Limbaugh's private Gulfstream jet for a honeymoon in Mexico, Africa and a couple other spots.

Please, please say the Bermuda Triangle...please, please we beg you! Ok, how about a few war zones, at the very least!?!
Not surprisingly, the new love-struck bride also had some very interesting, wise words to say about the couple's 26-year age gap: "I'm sometimes not able to relate to the average person my age." 

Or the average human her species, for that matter.

Either way, I think I can speak for all of America, no, make that the world, when I say a deep, heart-felt congratulations to Rush on his special 4th wedding day—very likely the 4th happiest day of his wonderfully charmed oxycodone-fueled life.

We're sure this time, he really means it. After all, love is the second best Rx there is!

So Oxycongratulations Rush! We wish you many months of bliss.

In other words, same time next year?

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