Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Hilarious Future GOP President Mike Huckabee Never Met A Jew, Gay Joke, Or Heaping Plate Of Anything He Didn't Like!

Born again non-morbidly obese person Mike Huckabee has taken a hiatus from his previous job scarfing down double bacon cheeseburgers as the 400 lbs+ ex-Governor of Arkansas, to sit down with one of the hoity-toity, arugula-eating elitist magazines he's always shrieking 'bout at his current gig spewing nonsense for Fox News, to discuss some of his all-time favoritest topics like gross gay people, beautiful Jesus, and how he would totally be a Jew (go Moses!) if he weren't already an Evangelical Christian wingnut, who has taken Christ as his personal savior.

Oh, goody! Wonder if this self-proclaimed "nice guy" and God-blessed comedic talent will announce his candidacy to unseat that illegal Kenyan Socialist Barack Hussein NObama in 2012, or if he'll be too busy making hilariously offensive dirty jokes about the "ick" factor of banging gross old people and even grosser gay people?

In due time, my friends, in due time!

But first things first, what about those Jews everyone's always talkin' about, 'cept Sarah Palin who prefers twitterin' her two-sen$e in 140 nonsensical characters, indecipherable to those not born 'n raised in the abandoned meth lab of Wasilla. What about them?
“I worship a Jew!” Huckabee told the New Yorker. “I have a lot of Jewish friends, and they’re kind of, like, ‘You evangelicals love Israel more than we do.’”
Oh, hahahahahaha, so true! Errr, except for that one tiny little Jewy detail about Jesus not being the son of God, or the Messiah or anything, and not being saved when the Rapture comes as a result, but no big deal right? Heck, let's not let silly things like facts or details get in the way of a good discussion. On the bright side, they do like to kill Muslims, too, which is always a bonus!
"I’m, like, ‘Do you not get it? If there weren’t a Jewish faith, there wouldn’t be a Christian faith!'"
And then who would we persecute, slaughter, and vilify for having the blood of Christ on their hands??

Besides, if he really didn't love Israel sooooooooo much, why would he walk around wearing a yarmulke (which is a hat for Hebes, for those not as in touch with their Semitic roots as ol' Maccabee Huckabee), when it's convenient, from time to time?
“I think what I should do is convert,” Huckabee said, squinting in the sunshine. “This covers my bald spot completely.”
Oy vey! What an amazing idea Huck! Then all those other right-wing Jew-lovers throughout the heartland, who wave swastikas, buy your Jesus books, and vote for you in straw polls will be certain to keep supporting you and your wonderful work as God's true messenger and heaven-sent representative of the Chosen Ones here on Earth.

Sounds promising!

Not as promising as, say, Huck's stand-up career, but close enough!
Huckabee does deviate from Party orthodoxy on some issues. But what makes him even less predictable as a politician is his sense of humor. At times, he seems unable to resist the force of his own funniness. I joked with him once that I would write about his (fictitious) affair with Nancy Pelosi. He e-mailed back, “The only thing worse than a torrid affair with sweet, sweet Nancy would be a torrid affair with Helen Thomas. If those were my only options, I’d probably be FOR same-sex marriage!”
OH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is hilaaaaaaaarious! Everyone knows Huck loves his perfectly FEMALE wife and would never, ever, nerrrver, neverrrrrrrr have an affair, but if in some wild, crazy twist of fate, he had to be a terrible gross gay, he would probably be in favor of terrible, gross gay marriage, because it is almost as sinful and evil to be unmarried as it is to be a horrible homosexual. Not quite, but almost!

There is a special place in hell for those well-dressed, limp-wristed, Lady Gaga-adoring abominations before the Lord. The Constitution in his head says so!

Which would help explain why a sweetheart like Mike would ever compare homosexuality to incest and drug addictions, or spend his days as Governor of Arkansas doing important, Godly things like eating deep-fried lard, banning gay adoptions, and preventing gays from becoming foster parents.

Just Like Jesus Would Do!

But, it's not like Huck is homophobic or anything.
“I’ve had people who worked for me who are homosexuals,” he insists. “And I don’t walk around thinking, Oh, I pity them so much. I accept them as who they are! It’s not like somehow their sin is so much worse than mine.” 
Except of course that it is! Like ten billion times worse, even!

And it is not just because he is personally repulsed by these unnatural things, like the wrong penis-to-vagina ratios, or say, an entire family of obese Southern-fried wingnuts, or anything grotesque like that.
He has called homosexuality “sinful and unnatural” and is fond of amusing audiences with the witticism “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

“I do believe that God created male and female and intended for marriage to be the relationship of the two opposite sexes,” Huckabee said in his New Yorker profile. “Male and female are biologically compatible to have a relationship. We can get into the ick factor, but the fact is two men in a relationship, two women in a relationship, biologically, that doesn’t work the same.”
Of course, Huckabee was oh so surprised to hear that Arkansas state representative Kathy Webb, a lesbian from Little Rock, had said, “Huckabee doesn’t seem to have a whole lot of tolerance and good will for gay people.”
“It’s not personal,” he replied. “I could argue that people who want to change marriage are angry at me for wanting to keep it like it is!”
Which is of course the holy consecration of one huge, hideous man and one equally enormous woman in the eyes of God, Man, and Arkansas' fattest finest export, a one Mike Huckabee!

But what about some arguments that don't have to do with "God" or "ickiness," but rather that other made-up, nonsense concoction liberals are always squawking about, "Science?"
“There are some pretty startling studies that show if you want to end poverty it’s not education and race, it’s monogamous marriage,” he said. “Many studies show that children who grow up in a healthy environment where they have both a mother and a father figure have both a healthier outlook and a different perspective from kids who don’t have the presence of both.”
Well, well whoda thunk the key to ending poverty isn't education or even making everyone perfectly pure and white, as Huck's fellow Fox News friends would have you believe. No, no, it's to make everyone perfectly straight instead!

Of course, in light of the new, 25-year study published by the American Academy of Pediatrics concluding that children brought up by lesbians were actually better adjusted than their peers, one would think a sharp, scientific mind like ol' Mike would be even slightly curious to know whether allowing gay people to marry had a positive or negative effect on children and society, right?

“No, not really. Why would I be?” he said, and laughed. The ol' card!

Why, just look at the strapping paradigms of health and fitness that sprung from his sacred, bessed heterosexual loins!

One glance at his fine, hearty brood, and you'll understand where the man's coming from, too!

Other than a starring role at the circus sideshow or record-shattering performance at the local all-you-can-eat buffet!

But at least we know why Mike has such an appreciation for humor and jokes. His entire life is one! I mean, how else do you expect him to cope? God??

Ha ha, yeah right! Unless El Savior comes beer battered and deep fried, no thanks, Huck will take a pass. He just doesn't have the stomach for it!

Picture-Perfect: A Huckabee Family Portrait

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