Michele Bachmann Signs "Marriage Pledge" To Stay Away From Porn, Gays & Revert To The Good Ol' Days Of Slavery

Aspiring Insane-Person-in-Chief and tragic illiteracy victim Michele Bachmann will not sign dumb, 1000+ page bills helping stupid poor people (or pesky sick kids) get health care, mostly because she's too busy channeling her lovely kindred spirit serial killing clown John Wayne Gacy and also because anything over three pages double spaced 16-point font makes her very uncomfortable. Like gay people uncomfortable!

What she will do, however, is sign one of those ridiculous pledge things, like say one called "The Marriage Vow," where she promises to never make sinful sexytime with her husband (haha like he has "straight people" sex anyway!), defend the sacred union of one miserable man to one miserable woman like Jesus intended, hate Islam, and pop out as many precious li'l miracles of God as a porn-less, loveless marriage with a closet case will allow.

Unfortunately, like most things Michele Bachmann is involved with, but has no idea what the hell she is doing or saying, this particular Marriage Vow pledge was also slightly problematic, probably because the very first point of the pledge makes some terribly racist statement about how it was better to be born a black child of slaves than a black child under Barack Obama.

“Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President,” is the first bullet point on the vow's preamble.

Nothin' wrong there, amiright?

Oh, what, like that's a big deal!

See the thing is all the distasteful, awful stuff about the advantages of slavery for black youth was only in the preamble, which apparently doesn't count as part of the actual document, because like, c'mon, who actually reads those silly things anyway?

Certainly not Michele Bachmann!

In her nutty world, "We the people...have no use for preambles."

From Politico:

A Bachmann spokeswoman said earlier Saturday that reports the congresswoman had signed a vow that contained the slavery language was wrong, noting it was not in the “vow” portion.
“She signed the ‘candidate vow,’ ” campaign spokeswoman Alice Stewart said, and distanced Bachmann from the preamble language, saying, “In no uncertain terms, Congresswoman Bachmann believes that slavery was horrible and economic enslavement is also horrible.”

But not quite as horrible as aligning yourself with a faux "family values" wingnut hate group that spells its name “FAMiLY LEADER.” Or for that matter, as horrible as being someone who is so against gay marriage, she ended up in one!

Either way, Michele Bachmann is officially the first presidential candidate (if we can even call her that) to sign this dumb thing, created by The Family Leader and it’s Chief Executive Officer of Ridiculous-Sounding Names, Bob Vander Plaats.

Presidential candidates who sign the pledge must agree to personal fidelity to his or her spouse, the appointment of “faithful constitutionalists” as judges, opposition to any redefinition of marriage, and prompt reform of uneconomic and anti-marriage aspects of welfare policy, tax policy and divorce law.
The Marriage Vow also outlines support for the legal advocacy for the federal Defense of Marriage Act, humane efforts to protect women and children, rejection of Sharia Islam, safeguards for all married and unmarried U.S. military service members, and commitment to downsizing government and the burden upon American families.
In addition, candidates are asked to recognize that “robust childrearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security.”

Okay ladies, toss off those burqas, throw away your Korans, and start popping out all the babies you can fit inside you, for America.

And then elect Michele Bachmann for president of the UNiTED STATES of America Jesus so she can take this country back from whoever ran away with it.

A literate, charming black man whose fine chocolate ass a certain M. Bachmann cannot stop obsessing over every waking hour of every day.

No, no not Michele, silly! Heavens forbid! We're talking about her husband, Marcus of course!

Teabaggers Prove They're Not Racist (& Love Coloreds!) By Firing One Totally Racist Guy Who Used To Be Their Spokesman

When you're a Teabagger, that is, a member of the elite group that shares its moniker with the incredibly sexy act of dipping testicles into open, gaping mouths or slapping them atop the head, cheek or anywhere else balls can be swung, who thinks dressing up like Benjamin Franklin and hollerin' 'bout black Socialist prezinents stealing all their hard-earned money proves they love America the most, the universe fits perfectly into tidy compartments, and everything in life is pretty much black and white.

Things are sooooooo much easier that way! 'Cause then you can like tweak everything to make anything look better or worse depending on the situation, or whatever version of history feels "right" at that moment. Seriously, you should try it sometime, works wonders!

Like when you, Mark Williams, the official spokesman for the Tea Party Express explain how not racist your organization is, after the NAACP calls some (or all) in your group racist, by writing a fictional letter to Abraham Lincoln pretending, just for good cheer, to be one of those dumb, recently freed coloreds, thanking Abe for freedom 'n shit.

Dear Mr. Lincoln,

We Colored People have taken a vote and decided that we don't cotton to that whole emancipation thing. Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards. That is just far too much to ask of us Colored People and we demand that it stop!

The tea party position to "end the bailouts" for example is just silly. Bailouts are just big money welfare and isn't that what we want all Coloreds to strive for? What kind of racist would want to end big money welfare? What they need to do is start handing the bail outs directly to us coloreds!

And the ridiculous idea of "reduce[ing] the size and intrusiveness of government." What kind of massa would ever not want to control my life? As Coloreds we must have somebody care for us otherwise we would be on our own, have to think for ourselves and make decisions!

The racist tea parties also demand that the government "stop the out of control spending." Again, they directly target Colored People. That means we Colored People would have to compete for jobs like everybody else and that is just not right.

Perhaps the most racist point of all in the tea parties is their demand that government "stop raising our taxes." That is outrageous! How will we Colored People ever get a wide screen TV in every room if non-coloreds get to keep what they earn? Totally racist! The tea party expects coloreds to be productive members of society?

Mr. Lincoln, you were the greatest racist ever. We had a great gig. Three squares, room and board, all our decisions made by the massa in the house. Please repeal the 13th and 14th Amendments and let us get back to where we belong.

Sincerely,

Precious Ben Jealous, Tom's Nephew National Association for the Advancement of Colored People Head Colored Person

OMG, HILARIOUS!! And that ending, with the whole NAACP President Ben Jealous "Tom's Nephew" thing? Ummm, naaaaailed it! 

I mean can you believe the NAACP, the very organization that makes "more money off of race than any slave trader, ever" and has the (black) balls big enough to use the words "Colored People" to describe blacks is actually calling white Tea Party Express superstar Mark Williams racist?

Absurd, I tell ya!

Everyone knows only racists say colored. But call 'em blacks or African Americans or Afros, make some watermelon or fried chicken joke, do everything in your power to subjugate their power and trivialize their tribulations, and you, my friend, are as down with the darkies as Mark Williams, Jim Crow, the current KKK Grand Wizard, Michael Steele, or any other one of the other famous civil rights leaders now carrying the mantle in the Grand Old Party of Old White Men.

Since when is America's newest political party, which is really just a mob of freaked-out old white Republicans running around shriekin' "WE WANT OUR COUNTRY BACK" ever since some dude of dubious race (Hawaiian?) won the presidential elections that fateful day 21 months ago, a bunch of terrible racists?

Sorry if some people still care about the whole real birth certificate thing! Sorry if some people don't think a certificate of Live Birth, what Hawaii officially calls such things, cuts it in this scary day and age when anyone can go waltzing into the presidency, even mysterious brown-skinned folks with funny names that include the dreaded Hussein somewhere in there.

Sorry if suddenly a humorous letter written to show how not racist the 'Baggers are is now cause for expulsion. Talk about oppression!

"We, in the last 24 hours, have expelled Tea Party Express and Mark Williams from the National Tea Party Federation because of the letter that he wrote," federation spokesman David Webb said of Williams' blog post that satirized a fictional letter from what he called "Colored People" to President Abraham Lincoln.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Isn't there anyone out there who understands the Lipton wearing patriots do not have a single racist bone in their collective White Body? Someone who can set those dumb monkeys at the NAACP straight about what is racist and what is simply patriotic white pride?

Like say, Republican hero of radio waves and clogged arteries, Rush Limbaugh, who courageously called the resolution “not true," or living legend Sarah Palin blasting the NAACP's claim as “false” and “appalling” or even Fox's box with a head, Sean Hannity, whose thorough search for racist tea party signs still came up empty. "I can't find any racist Tea Party signs!" Hannity giggled to whichever dumb blond was co-hosting today. Guess it must've been made up by the Jew-run media or something. They're always colluding with the blacks to keep the white man down!

Take Jewy-sounding Leonard Zeskind, who has written a history of the white nationalist movement, for instance.

“There are hard-core racists brewing inside the tea party movement,” said the Kansas City resident, white nationalist movement scholar, author of “Blood and Politics” and likely one of those Zionist-Socialist freaks.

“They see tea parties not only as recruitment opportunities, but as vehicles to cross over into mainstream American politics.”

“Liberals think these are all poor, angry, working-class whites, but that’s not true,” Leonard Zeskind explained. “It’s a solid middle class. The belief that these are people hit by the economic downturn is a myth. It’s people who have what they want and don’t want it taken away. They’re defending white privilege. Their slogan is ‘We want our country back.’”

In fact, a New York Times/CBS poll found that 52 percent of Tea Party supporters said “too much has been made of the problems facing African-Americans” while 28 percent of Americans overall said the same.

And?? Like get over a couple hundred years of slavery, a few more generations getting lynched and/or whipped for so much as glancing at the white missus, and get on with your life already! Seriously, it's getting pathetic people!

But what ever will the Tea Party do without Hero Mark Williams' Leadership? How will they cope now that he's been booted just for goin' rogue writing offensive, racist, grossly unfunny letters joking about the plight of blacks in this country. Hopefully, he'll continue his hard work freedom fighting the construction of an Islamic center in Lower Manhattan near Ground Zero, because everyone knows the only time Muslims ever visit New York is when flying hijacked jetliners into prominent NYC skyscrapers, not to mention Ground Zero is no place for the worship of  "the terrorists’ monkey-god." Sick!

Not surprisingly, some cowardly political leaders (Democrats, no doubt!) said the Tea Party movement itself wasn't racist, but needed to distance itself from any elements that bring prejudice and bigotry to its events.

"There are some members who have used the Tea Party -- whether it's the Tea Party itself, there are some individuals who have tried to exacerbate racial tensions in this country," House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD) told CNN. "I have seen some virulent fliers that have been directed at our members, clearly referencing race, the president's race and race generally."

LIAR!!!

Good thing Republicans know better. When also asked about racism among Teabaggers, on the same show, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, (R-KY), steered clear of the issue, saying: "I am not interested in getting into that debate."

And with that, he snorted, rolled his eyes and retreated back into his protective shell, bless the thing!

Keeps spineless Kentucky fried swamp turtles all nice 'n warm and safe from scary things like reality, black men in the White House, and the ever-terrifying P-word (other than progress!).

No, not predators silly, even worse: principles!

Because why actually stand for something when you can just do nothing, sit back, close your eyes, retreat into your shell, and poke your head out once the dark, menacing storms have passed and the horizon is once again light & bright & beautiful, and safe for shelled reptiles to travel freely without fear of being turned into delicious Turtle soup (or Tea!) by some crazed poacher or Terrapin-hating white power patriot of spice 'n herbs, or whatever the case may be.