Meet Allen Quist, Chief Commander of the GOP War on Democrats, Terror, and Reason

Oh Minnesota, how we adore thee. From your fertile land and bountiful lakes has sprung some of the most wondrous and sane civil servants this fair country ever been blessed with. Humble servants of the Lord like Rep. Michele "slit your wrists for freedom" Bachmann and God willing, (we're lookin' at you Jesus), Allen Quist, a Republican candidate seeking the nomination for Minnesota's 1st congressional district against Rep. Tim Walz, a terrible Democrat.

Much like beautiful, blue-eyed freedom warrior Michele, Allen Quist isn't just any attention-starved, desperate GOP candidate with a hard nose for terrorism and a soft spot for Jesus Christ.

You see, Quist understands something that most other Republicans simply do not (no, not that God created the Earth in six days): The real threat to America is not the terrorists, but something far, far worse: Democrats. Gasp!

"Now why am I doing this? I don't need to be in lights, I don't need to speak, I don't need to be before a TV camera, I don't need to be in the paper. I have been there, I have done all that. I don't need to be there," said Quist, a former state Representative who ran for governor twice in the 1990's.

"It's because I, like you, have seen that our country is being destroyed. I mean, this is--every generation has had to fight the fight for freedom. This is our fight. And this is our time. This is it. Terrorism, yes--but that's not the big battle. The big battle is in D.C., with the radicals. They aren't liberals, they're radicals. Obama, Pelosi, Walz--they're not liberals, they're radicals. They are destroying our country. And people all over are figuring that out."

Quist also railed against the health care reform bill to ruin America and put Grandma out of her misery.

"This is the most insidious, evil piece of legislation I have ever seen in my life… Every one of us has to be totally committed to killing this travesty...I have to kill this bill."

Move over Quentin. Kill Bill Vol. III, the Final Solution starring Allen Quist in theaters now.

Free teabags and authentic Barack Obama Kenyan birth certificate to first 100 ticket holders.

Dr. Orly Taitz, Esq. For All Your Tooth, Shelter And Fraudulent President Needs

Orly Taitz, the busy, Russian-born, California real estate agent-attorney-dentist who's also leading the "Birther" movement in its feverish charge against the illegitimate presidency of America's first non-American president, migrant Kenyan Barack Hussein Obama, has taken her quest for truth and sanity to the GOP holyland, the Internets!

Taitz' tireless efforts to expose Barack Obama as the U.S. citizen he is not and the secret Muslim terrorist that he is has finally paid off. She even has the high-profile Facebook "friends" to prove it! Friends like Republican National Committee Chairman of Hip Hop Michael Steele, House Republican Whip Eric Cantor and GOP Representatives no one's ever heard of, Mary Bono Mack and Cynthia Lummis. Wooohooo!

“I am in total disbelief and greatly honored,” Taitz blogged after Cantor accepted her as one of his illustrious Facebook friends. OMG LOL!

“To me it means that the leadership of the Republican party understands the importance of the issues and legal cases I brought forward. I hope more congressmen and senators join and either become additional plaintiffs or bring to the House and Senate judicial committee hearings the issues of Obama’s illegitimacy to presidency as well as suspected illegal activities by Obama and his supporters."

Despite pleas from her powerful new friends not to make too much of the "friendships" because they "mean nothing," Orly Taitz will not be swayed. She knows their acceptance of her on Facebook means they too can't rest until that fraud Barack Hussein Obama is removed from office and sent back to Africa where he belongs.

"It is a very important issue, one that politicians should have taken up a long time ago."

Too bad it took eight months for a sane, enlightened patriot like Orly Taitz to finally scare these slothful legislators into action. But thanks to dedicated, thrice-employed birthers like her, lawmakers everywhere "should be prepared to resign or be removed if they do not have the guts to stand for the Constitution and this country."

Or the guts to trust the Jewish (?) version of Tammy Faye Baker on the validity of anything other than how to use the settlement damages from your botched root canal to buy the house of your dreams!

Thanks Orly, You're The Best!

Barack Hussein Obama Fools The World!

The whackjobs and conspiracy theorists behind the Obama "birther" movement spend their days traipsing around the country bitching, moaning, and filing lawsuits against Barack Hussein Obama's illegal presidency based on the figment of their imagination that Barry was born in Kenya and not Honolulu as his birth certificate would like you to believe.

Also involved in this elaborate hoax of course are his parents, friends, relatives, in-laws, and government officials at every level, from both parties, spanning several generations. Maybe the printing press and ink manufacturers too. Who knows?

Maybe even former State Department official and vice-presidential daughter Liz "Dick" Cheney who despite being presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary, still refused to distance herself from the crazies in her party who insist Obama is not a natural born citizen, but an ILLEGAL ALIEN. Gasp!

The truth is Lizzy understands where the birthers are coming from--and it's not just the mental hospital.

"I think the Democrats have got more crazies than the Republicans do. But setting that aside, one of the reasons you see people so concerned about this, I think this issue is, people are uncomfortable with having for the first time ever, I think, a president who seems so reluctant to defend the nation overseas..."

Of course, she's not saying that Barack Hussein Obama was born in Kenya or anything, just that, "People are fundamentally uncomfortable and fundamentally I think increasingly uncomfortable with an American president who seems to be afraid to defend America, stand up for what we believe in."

Like a White, Christian nation that's been hijacked by an undocumented, migrant Kenyan with extreme socialist tendencies who has managed to pull off the greatest heist the world has ever seen!

And to think, Miss Cheney would actually question the birthplace of another when she hasn't even cleared up the rumors that her own father is actually the mutant offspring of Slimer and a goat.

Obama Takes His "Responsibility" Tour To Africa

Unlike his possible closeted Muslim faith, Barack Obama's deep ties to Africa is no secret. His father is Kenyan (remember the whole white Kansas mother, black Kenyan father thing?), and as a result, the entire continent is just bonkers for the man. He's like practically their son!

So Africa-Expert President Obama thinks he's earned the right to do what no one has done before. Aside from being the first black U.S. president to go to sub-Saharan Africa, Obama is the first to actually know something about the continent other than it's below us and is hotter than a motherf**ker. Which is good news, if you don't mind a bragger.

Because he's so smart and knows everything, Obama also isn't buying the old, tired excuse blaming all woe and misery on the West for basically raping and pillaging an entire continent for the better part of the century.

He thinks it's time for Africa's leaders to "take responsibility and be held accountable" for the performance of their governments, instead of just using their country's economy as a personal ATM, which has unfortunately been the tradition.

"I'd say I'm probably as knowledgeable about African history as anybody who's occupied my office. And I can give you chapter and verse on why the colonial maps that were drawn helped to spur on conflict, and the terms of trade that were uneven emerging out of colonialism."

"And yet the fact is we're in 2009. The West and the United States has not been responsible for what's happened to Zimbabwe's economy over the last 15 or 20 years. It hasn't been responsible for some of the disastrous policies that we've seen elsewhere in Africa...And I think the people of Africa understand that. The problem is, is that they just haven't always had the opportunities to organize and voice their opinions in ways that create better results."

Getting your hand chopped off so you can't vote tends to do that to a person.