Meet Allen Quist, Chief Commander of the GOP War on Democrats, Terror, and Reason

Oh Minnesota, how we adore thee. From your fertile land and bountiful lakes has sprung some of the most wondrous and sane civil servants this fair country ever been blessed with. Humble servants of the Lord like Rep. Michele "slit your wrists for freedom" Bachmann and God willing, (we're lookin' at you Jesus), Allen Quist, a Republican candidate seeking the nomination for Minnesota's 1st congressional district against Rep. Tim Walz, a terrible Democrat.

Much like beautiful, blue-eyed freedom warrior Michele, Allen Quist isn't just any attention-starved, desperate GOP candidate with a hard nose for terrorism and a soft spot for Jesus Christ.

You see, Quist understands something that most other Republicans simply do not (no, not that God created the Earth in six days): The real threat to America is not the terrorists, but something far, far worse: Democrats. Gasp!

"Now why am I doing this? I don't need to be in lights, I don't need to speak, I don't need to be before a TV camera, I don't need to be in the paper. I have been there, I have done all that. I don't need to be there," said Quist, a former state Representative who ran for governor twice in the 1990's.

"It's because I, like you, have seen that our country is being destroyed. I mean, this is--every generation has had to fight the fight for freedom. This is our fight. And this is our time. This is it. Terrorism, yes--but that's not the big battle. The big battle is in D.C., with the radicals. They aren't liberals, they're radicals. Obama, Pelosi, Walz--they're not liberals, they're radicals. They are destroying our country. And people all over are figuring that out."

Quist also railed against the health care reform bill to ruin America and put Grandma out of her misery.

"This is the most insidious, evil piece of legislation I have ever seen in my life… Every one of us has to be totally committed to killing this travesty...I have to kill this bill."

Move over Quentin. Kill Bill Vol. III, the Final Solution starring Allen Quist in theaters now.

Free teabags and authentic Barack Obama Kenyan birth certificate to first 100 ticket holders.