What's The Only Thing Scarier Than War & Famine In Uganda? Gay People, Of Course!

Uganda's enlightened 15th century 21st century bill condemning terrible, no-good gays & lezzies, and all "active homosexuals living with HIV" to death (and probably not by chocolate!) or at the very least, life imprisonment for anyone known to participate in "homosexual acts," has been temporarily shelved, and only partially because it is batsh*t crazy.

The real problem with Uganda's death-to-queers bill is that the rest of civilized society doesn't seem quite as gung-ho as Uganda about hacking homos to death, and are putting their money where Uganda's machetes are, with international aid organizations, the U.S. State Department, President Barack Obama, and powerful, outspoken gays like Rep. Barney Frank threatening to withhold aid to the deeply impoverished nation.

Apparently, gay people are loathsome enough that they deserve to be roundly ridiculed, discriminated, and harassed, but not so despicable that they should actually be killed.

Which means gay people are off the hook, and free to continue destroying the moral fabric of poor, civil war-torn, Sub-Saharan African society with their cleanliness, fashion sense, and #1 favorite pastime  recruiting unsuspecting children (to the dark side) with go-go boots and Barbara Streisand sing-alongs, for now.

So you're saying there's still a chance (Jesus willing?) that the evil, hate bill will be reintroduced in the next legislative session? Keep your fingers crossed, people, so long as it is in a manly, perfectly hetero way, of course!

According to the Guardian:

With the current parliament about to be dissolved, the bill appears to have been put on hold indefinitely – but campaigners warned it could be reintroduced in the next session.
John Alimadi, an MP, told the Associated Press the bill may have been dropped from the agenda because of the worldwide outcry against it.
Campaigners welcomed the development. Christopher Seneno, a Ugandan bishop, said: "It's good news. We wouldn't like this bill even to be debated. That will be dangerous because there is a lot of misinformation and excitement. Just with the bill being debated, anything can happen to LGBT people."
Seneno admitted he did not know whether the bill was dead in the water or could be revived at a later date.

Uganda be kidding me. Idi-ocy, I say! Amin, really!

Sarah Palin Ditches Facebook to Become True 21st Century Fox

If ya can't beat em, join 'em

Sarah Palin, who decided to up and leave her cozy, bear skin seat in Alaska's Governor's Mansion in order to bash the evil media 24/7 on Facebook, has now opted to throw in the towel on the social networking scene to join the dark side (along with the rest of her fellow washed-up wingnuts) as the latest contributor to the downfall of broadcast journalism as Fox News' brilliant, hot, new television pundit.

But, don't worry America, she's not selling out or anything because everyone knows Fox News isn't really news anyway. Oh, you betcha!

Now, America's most precious Alaskan import will be able to wail and moan about Obama's evil death panels (to murder Grandma and baby Trig) and the meanies from the McCain campaign who had the audacity to tell her to open a book before humiliating herself and the party in live debates on national television at the nation's top-rated cable news channel instead of through her very important Facebook page. Yay!

In a press release announcing the deal (Sarah doesn't do the whole "live" thing), Palin said she is is over-the-moon about the opportunity to be a contributor at Fox News.

"I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News. It's wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news."

Not to mention, a place that doesn't require the pesky liberal concoction known as facts.

Palin will appear as a commentator on various Fox shows and will also host an occasional program examining inspirational tales involving ordinary American citizens called "Real American Stories.

Ooooh, a real American story!! Since the Palins are the epitome of a normal American family, ya know, complete with a dysfunctional, loveless marriage, an unwanted teen pregnancy, a baby daddy pursuing his porn career posing in Playgirl, a snowmobiling secessionist father who calls himself First Dude, a rogue mother who is God's personal messenger on Earth, can see Russia from her front porch but isn't sure what the hell Africa is besides the name of the chart-topping single by 80s rockband Toto.

Unlike the rest of the anti-American socialist families out there whose kids actually go to college after high-school and aren't well-versed on all the delicious ways you can serve the freshly-skinned moose you just shot and gutted right outside your front door.

Weirdos.

Aw Snap! Hillary Lets World Know Which Clinton Wears The Pants Now

Poor old Hillary Clinton just cannot get a break. First her limelight-hogging husband Bill swoops in to rescue those two lady journalists from the bad Korea and become a world-wide hero, while Madam Secretary sat alone on the sidelines with no one but Al Gore to comfort her.

Now, Hillary travels all the way to Africa, specifically to the Democratic Republic of Congo, to get a little Sec. of State love and all anyone can ask her is "What Would Bill Do?" It's enough to drive a gal crazy!

So while Hillrod is innocently taking questions in Kinshasa (of all places!), some insensitive Congolese university student had the gall to "ask her for her husband's thinking on an international financial matter."

“You want me to tell you what my husband thinks?” a stunned Hillary replied when the male student asked her what “Mr. Clinton” thought of World Bank concerns about a multi-billion-dollar Chinese loan offer to the Congo.

"My husband is not secretary of state, I am," an obviously irritated Clinton said. “If you want my opinion, I will tell you my opinion. I am not going to be channeling my husband.”

But that's not even the funny part. Turns out the student's translator misspoke, accidentally asking what Bill Clinton, and not President Obama, thought about a possible Chinese loan to the Congo. Oops!

Of course, everyone knows the question "touched a nerve" because Hillary is trying to raise awareness about the plight of women in Africa on her trip, and she can kiss all that goodbye because no one will ever respect women after that little faux pas.

So thank you Bill Clinton for allowing the rape epidemic in Africa to continue unabated all because your wife resents your stupid humanitarian efforts or whatever you wanna call them and, at least in the eyes of Congolese university students, can't even keep her own damn husband straight.

Stupid women.

Obama Takes His "Responsibility" Tour To Africa

Unlike his possible closeted Muslim faith, Barack Obama's deep ties to Africa is no secret. His father is Kenyan (remember the whole white Kansas mother, black Kenyan father thing?), and as a result, the entire continent is just bonkers for the man. He's like practically their son!

So Africa-Expert President Obama thinks he's earned the right to do what no one has done before. Aside from being the first black U.S. president to go to sub-Saharan Africa, Obama is the first to actually know something about the continent other than it's below us and is hotter than a motherf**ker. Which is good news, if you don't mind a bragger.

Because he's so smart and knows everything, Obama also isn't buying the old, tired excuse blaming all woe and misery on the West for basically raping and pillaging an entire continent for the better part of the century.

He thinks it's time for Africa's leaders to "take responsibility and be held accountable" for the performance of their governments, instead of just using their country's economy as a personal ATM, which has unfortunately been the tradition.

"I'd say I'm probably as knowledgeable about African history as anybody who's occupied my office. And I can give you chapter and verse on why the colonial maps that were drawn helped to spur on conflict, and the terms of trade that were uneven emerging out of colonialism."

"And yet the fact is we're in 2009. The West and the United States has not been responsible for what's happened to Zimbabwe's economy over the last 15 or 20 years. It hasn't been responsible for some of the disastrous policies that we've seen elsewhere in Africa...And I think the people of Africa understand that. The problem is, is that they just haven't always had the opportunities to organize and voice their opinions in ways that create better results."

Getting your hand chopped off so you can't vote tends to do that to a person.

Dumb And Dumber: The E! True Hollywood Story Of Sarah Palin

A new behind-the-scenes look inside the feuding McCain-Palin camps is more shocking than an E! True Hollywood Story on "Rock's Biggest Bad Boys."

Reports have long swirled about the tenuous, strained relationship between Old Johnny and his floozy of a running mate Sarah Palin. But with the election over, the floodgates have opened and the avalanche of wacky Palin tales are starting to pour out.

Ooooh, this is gonna be good!

We all knew Palin wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. But, to be fair, we didn't think she was borderline Forrest Gump either. Turns out the woman who would've been a heartbeat away from the presidency missed a few lessons in elementary school.

Like the lesson about how Africa is a CONTINENT, not a COUNTRY.

Wait, you mean South Africa is it's own country, and not just the southern tip of that great huge landmass of a country called Africa?

Wow. Who knew?! Apparently, not Miss Palin.

Of course, despite her extensive foreign policy experience, most notably in relation to Russia, Palin still had a few blaring gaps in her knowledge.

Like knowing which countries are part of NAFTA: the U.S., Canada, and Mexico. Palin's guess of Texas (sort of like a country), Xanadu, and the Land of Oz, was just a bit off.

But it doesn't end there. Not even close. Aside from being an intellectual trainwreck who didn't possess the "degree of knowledgeability" necessary for a Vice-President, Miss Palin was also apparently a nightmare for campaign staff.

Tantrums, fits of rage, refusing to prep for interviews then blaming her embarrassing performance on staffers, prank calls from French President Nicolas Sarkozy impersonators, public gaffes, excessive unauthorized shopping sprees, erratic behavior, going rogue, increasing belligerence towards McCain's campaign, all part of the Sunshine Rainbow Tour known as Sarah Palin's VP campaign.

I don't understand how Republicans could possibly be nervous that the future of the party rests in the hands of a hot-tempered, trigger-happy airhead from the North Pole who is on a task from God to one day become President of the "Lower 48."

Or as us fake Americans call it, the United States.

Props To Princess Sparkle Pony For The Delightful Photo