Sarah Palin Isn't Just a Genius and a Winner, She's Now a Palm Reader, Too!

Sometimes, sweet Sarah Palin is so mind-blowingly stupid (as in makes George W. Bush look like freakin' Einstein), that it's really no surprise this Wasilla wonder's become the adorable face of that group of misfits and miscreants dumb enough to name themselves after a ridiculous sexual practice, usually limited to frat houses and drunken dares, known as teabaggging.

It's no secret that Sarah plain and small has a habit of saying one thing and doing the complete opposite. It's her bread and butter, her moose and mustard, her buffalo and beer!

Which is to say, she pretty much makes a living off of it (and what a living it is!). $200,000 just to say some nice words about freedom, oil, war, and of course, Jesus, while condemning homos, hippie "green" types, and the socialist meltdown of this country courtesy of a certain (illegal??) "hopey, changey" Kenyan man who may or may not be trying to destroy this bountiful land of freedom and bravery known as the U.S. of A.

Yet, weaved throughout her patriotic speeches about God willing her to run for vice-president and why it's only acceptable to use the term "retard" to describe those whackjob liberals, is a creeping sense that Sarah Palin may be confusing the words maverick and hypocrite. Which is totally understandable considering they're both three syllable words that contain the letters C, E, and I. She's not a wizard, people!

A fact that becomes painfully obvious the moment she opens her perfectly lipsticked mouth and sound waves begin vibrating outward (usually how our sweet Ice Queen gets herself in trouble). This is typically followed by some sort of incoherent rambling only audible to those dressed as our colonial forefathers and/or a present-day greasy-haired secessionist cloaked in some sort of confederate flag attire or a "Jesus Saves" t-shirt.

The same crack-squad of geniuses who cheer wildly, shrieking with delight whenever her highness says some asinine statement about the "health care that's necessary to shore up the economy because it's all about job creation" or what a real Alaskan mama bear brings to swampy, elitist, Mexican-sounding cesspools like the District of Columbia. Certainly a helluva lot more than some "charismatic guy with a teleprompter."

Ha ha dumb Barry! Mr. "Hopey Changey" can't even remember the words to an hour and half speech without having an electric devil contraption scrolling the text to him like some deranged Judas trying to fool the people into thinking he has magic powers.

Well, Sarah isn't gonna pretend she's something she's not (intelligent?) with these hoity-toity, mad scientist machines of sin. Didn't the good Lord instruct us:

"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil" (Matthew 6:13).

Let's not forget that evil in the form of electric waves and a projection screen is just as potent as evil in the form of abominations unto the Lord like abortion, homosexuality, adultery, and pre-marital sex for anyone without a bizarrely misleading, faux progressive first name followed by the surname Palin.

Which is why Sarah follows closely the words of her Savior, Jesus Christ, when sitting down for a pre-selected Q&A session (can't have any rogue questions slipping through, now can we?) by literally scribbling notes on her hand as helpful reminders when answering those very tough questions given to her in advance to avoid the very embarrassing debacle she now finds herself in. Again.

After all, who knows better than Sarah that "idle hands are the Devil's playthings?"

That's why it makes perfect sense that moments after criticizing Comrade Barry for having the audacity to use a teleprompter to deliver live televised addresses to the nation, the ol' Barracuda decided to go rogue herself, via what appears to be the old school cheat sheet route--that is unless she randomly decided to get a henna tattoo while promotin' freedom down in Nashville with the words:

• "Energy"
• "Budget cuts"
• "Tax"
• "Lift American spirits"

So is it a big deal that, much like the fifth year senior in your high school English class, Sarah's "prep" strategy is also to draw all over herself in sneaky places everyone notices? Eh, not really.

It's what the common man (or woman) does when he/she can't remember his/her basic core beliefs when asked simple pre-selected questions about said basic core beliefs!

Lots of politicians carry notes with them (or in Palin's case, literally on them). Sorry if she isn't as high maintenance as some terrible, arugula-eating elitist presidents who must rely on evil gadgets to ensure their thousand-word speeches go off without hitch. Sorry, if it's just not her maverick style to do the whole "note card" thing. This folksy Arctic fox prefers to go au natural.

Just remember the brilliant words from her glorious keynote address during the weekend Palin-palooza Teabagger festival.

"To win that war [on terror], we need a commander-in-chief, not a professor."

She's so right! What we need is a cheating student, or better yet, a cheating student without the common sense (she has the dollars and cents) to use a cue card or single sheet of paper.

Yes, what America NEEDS above all else is a leader who draws on herself like a (special needs?) child.

Makes us feel so much better about our dumb, poor, unemployed selves. Oh, you betcha! Wink, Wink.

Should Teabaggers Embrace Their Moniker As The New, Freedom Fighting Version of N****r?

As President Obama deals with the war in Afghanistan, providing millions of Americans with adequate health care, a sluggish economy and widespread unemployment, conservatives are grappling with some weighty issues of their own: "to 'teabag' or not to 'teabag.'"

Yes, proud, patriotic teabaggers all across the land are now faced with the pressing conundrum of whether to embrace a term previously associated with the incredibly sexy act of dipping testicles into the open, gaping mouth of another or slapping them atop the head, cheek or anywhere else balls can be swung.

But fear not because National Review senior editor Jay Nordlinger is here to guide these loyal, intelligent patriots through the murky haze of whether they want their movement to be defined by one of the more ridiculous sexual practices and if not, what they intend to do about it.

Perhaps they should embrace the term "teabagger" as a kind of badge of honor, and "own the insult" by taking what is intended as a slur and wearing it proudly?

"What about a special case — the worst word in American English, as some of us see it, namely the N-word? When I was growing up, in Ann Arbor, Mich., there was a little debate: Should school officials try to prevent black students from using the N-word? I don’t believe the issue was ever settled. And this brings up the question of whether “teabagger” could be kind of a conservative N-word: to be used in the family, but radioactive outside the family."

Regrettably, Nordlinger decides his brilliant suggestion to turn teabagger into the new N-word may not be such a good idea after all for a group of ignorant white people who don't hate black people but just don't feel comfortable having their country run by one, especially a secret Muslim terrorist one from Kenya, thank you very much.

Which is a shame really, because embracing teabagger as their version of n****r clearly is the most reasonable and intelligent way to lend credibility to a movement so savvy, they decided bobbing testicles would be the perfect description for a cause as noble as theirs.

"It may well be too late to purge "teabagger" from our discourse, certainly from discourse controlled by liberals. But I'm for giving it a try: for running "teabagger" out of town, even at this late date. It is really a lowdown term. "Tea partier" is a neutral term. "Tea-party patriots" is a positive term, used by some of the protesters themselves. "Teabagger" -- not so positive, and not so neutral."

So the next time you and all the rest of your patriotic friends want to dress up as Ben Franklin and wave Nazi signs simply because you love freedom that much, a good idea may be to try to use a name that doesn't conjure up images of drunken fratboys getting hazed or all the funny ways you can use male reproductive organs for laughs and good cheer.

Oh, and here's a helpful hint: other words to avoid include feminine hygiene products, i.e. douchebaggers, anything with the name Joe in it (six-pack, plumber or otherwise), anything that includes the word nut, job, or any combination thereof, phrases with hidden homosexual connotations (bear, cub, fist, otter, twink, trick, top, bottom etc), and other abbreviated phrases or acronyms that may give the wrong impression, such as KKK, MILF, STD, ASS or DILDO.

Disgruntled Conservatives Use Poor, Misguided Masses To Protest Taxes And Black Presidents

The Taxman Cometh

Republicans are in a pickle. On the one hand, they don't want to seem like some Obama-loving liberal too pussy to attend one of the hundreds of anti-tax "tea parties" taking place across the country, but on the other, they don't necessarily want to be associated with some fringe movement by a bunch of right-wing nut jobs.

Of course this isn't a problem for national embarrassments like 2012 presidential hopefuls South Carolina governor and welfare queen Mark Sanford and Louisiana governor Piyush "Bobby" Jindal, whose places in the political douchebag hall of fame were secured long before they started teabagging.

For those Republicans with an actual brain, like former presidential contender Mitt Romney, the decision to stay away from these tea-themed KKK rallies was not a difficult one, even if it means incurring the wrath of chubby freedom-lovers like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, whose fearless efforts helped make these tax-day protests such a stunning success.

Luckily, the brilliant folks over at FreedomWorks, the conservative group that organized the tea parties, anticipated some godless liberals and other media elites might try to ruin their noble march against Obama and the Democrats.

Which is why they sent out a flyer containing important tips on how to avoid being embarrassed by citizen journalists and other progressive menaces who might crash the tea parties and "ask leading questions about immigration, President Obama, etc., to bait you into making comments they can paint as racist and show that you're uneducated and ignorant."

The memo also warns would be-victims that "teabagging" has strong sexual connotations and instructs protesters to be wary of anyone with a camera asking you if you are a "teabagger" or if you enjoy "teabagging." They are trying to make a fool of you!

Which should be very difficult to do with a bunch of insane, doomsday wackos running around dressed like Benjamin Franklin, carrying Obama=Hitler signs and chucking teabags at the White House.