If Only We Could Blame It On Gangsta Rap And Death Metal...

For anyone worried that Barack Obama is turning this country into one big hippie commune without a healthy American dose of guns and nutjobs, fear not.

There's still plenty of right-wing loons around to storm into various public buildings and open fire on the unsuspecting public. Like 88 year-old white supremacist James Von Brunn who shot and killed a guard for fun at the Holocaust Museum or mentally ill, unemployed anti-abortion activist Scott Roeder who murders abortion doctors while they pray away their sins at a Sunday morning church service.

The same salt-of-the-earth anti-abortion radicals and anti-Semitic extremists the recent Department of Homeland Security report warned us about, before being logically dismissed as just another smear attack on conservatives by arugula-eating liberals who know nothing about keeping this nation safe.

Sure, the DHS memo warned that the election of a black president coupled with a crumbling economy could lead to a surge in violence by the same upstanding citizens afraid that President Obama would take away their semi-automatic weapons and herd people into concentration camps because that's what Jewish-controlled governments do.

Since high-profile attacks from far-right lunatics never has and never will be a problem in this country, clearly, the DHS memo was nothing more than a hit job on conservatives and veterans. They should be ashamed of themselves, thinking innocent extremists with military training, no job or money, and plenty of hate could be capable of hurting anyone.

Whatever happened to the good old days of Columbine, when all unspeakable acts of violence could be pinned squarely on that Marilyn Manson character for making all the kids shoot each other with his rock songs?

Happiness Is A Warm Gun

Don't Let The Sunglasses Fool You, Meghan Packs The Heat

Meghan McCain loves guns. Not only do they make her feel like a whole lotta woman, they're also just perfect for relieving all the stress that comes with getting paid to blog about nonsense for a living. Nonsense and sex.

You see Meghan McCain is more than just the fresh-faced blogging voice of the Republican Party. She's also a proud member of the National Rifle Association and is terrified that charismatic demonchild Barack Obama is going to take away her precious right to shoot annoying people and defenseless animals.

Doesn't Obama know the shooting range is the one place Meghan can be a Republican "through-and-through" or how empowering it is for a 24-year-old woman of wealth and taste to fire off a few rounds?

I mean she's always had positive experiences with family and guns. You should see how her beloved godfather Jerry could decorate a house using only freshly-skinned wild boar hides, deer pelts, and giant moose antlers. There's nothing like it!

That's why Meghan is able to think about guns in a "smart, nonreactive manner." Hello people, it's called the Bill of Rights!

If you are a law-abiding citizen who is trained to and skilled at using a firearm, then you are entitled to protect yourself and your family. Even if you're not, Meghan knows our founding fathers intended for everyone to experience the joys of gun ownership. Particularly semi-automatic machine guns, cause you never know when your fair city will be overrun by Somalian warlords.

Too bad those kooky liberals don't understand that guns aren't the problem. "The real solution to preventing gun violence is not taking away the tools, but tackling its causes: poverty, inadequate health care, mental illness, joblessness, inadequate housing, and poor education. Desperate people will make anything a weapon. We need to eliminate desperation, not guns."

So does that mean all we need to do stop abortions is eliminate sluts? It's so brilliant, I can't believe no one ever thought of that before!

NRA Up In Arms Over Obama's Desire To Have Law Abiding Cabinet Members

Easy, Cowboy!

Gun nuts across the nation are up in arms over Socialist President-Elect Barack Obama's latest attempt to strip away Americans precious Second Amendment right to bear arms.

Turns out Obama's transition team is poking its nose into the personal life of potential cabinet appointees, asking outrageous questions about gun ownership.

At the end of the application, No. 59 out of 63 total, listed under miscellaneous, is the question:

“Do you or any members of your immediate family own a gun? If so, provide complete ownership and registration information. Has the registration ever lapsed? Please also describe how and by whom it is used and whether it has been the cause of any personal injuries or property damage.”

Can you believe the nerve of that man asking potential high-level advisers whether they pack heat while out for dinner or sleep with a loaded magnum under their pillow or just like the feel of cold hard metal and steel wrapped around their fingers?

It is clearly all part of his grand master plot to destroy America and turn it into a hippie commune where everyone smells like incense and plays bongos around the bonfire while passing 'round a peace pipe.

Despite the Obama team's insistence that the question is simply a procedural measure of caution, the NRA isn't about to let America turn into Woodstock on its watch, and have already filed legislation protesting inclusion of the gun question.

Besides, George W. Bush never had such a question when he took office in 2000.

And his vice-president only shot one person in the face while in office.

So maybe Mr. Barack Hussein Obama shouldn't jump the...uh, uh, broom here.