C'mon, Be A Mancow: Waterboarding Isn't Torture!

Much like fellow right-wing toughguys Sean "Meathead" Hannity and Liz "Dick" Cheney, loudmouth Chicago radio host Erich "Mancow" Muller was so certain waterboarding was nothing more than a leisurely inner tube ride on a lazy river that he decided to give the fun aquatic process a go himself. That way he could finally prove to all those dumb liberals how not-torturous it is to lay blindfolded on an elevated table with your legs and feet bound while torrents of water are poured down your mouth and nose. Piece of cake, right?

"I wanted to prove it wasn't torture. They cut off our heads, we put water on their face...I got voted to do this but I really thought 'I'm going to laugh this off.' "

Turns out Mancow's rebuttal of this peaceful water-based intelligence gathering technique didn't go quite as he would have liked. After just 6 or 7 seconds, the brave shock jock thrashed on the table, and quickly threw the toy cow he was holding as his emergency tool to signify when he wanted the experiment to stop.

"It is way worse than I thought it would be, and that's no joke,"Mancow said, likening it to a time when he nearly drowned as a child. "It is such an odd feeling to have water poured down your nose with your head back...It was instantaneous...and I don't want to say this: absolutely torture."

What!?! Apparently Mr. Mancow Muller has never seen Kevin Costner's 1995 bomb Waterworld. Now that's torture!

April Showers Bring May Flowers...And Mass Murder Sprees

There Will Be Blood

Between the country's economic crisis and election of terrorist-socialist Barack Obama as president, America seems to be a little on edge lately.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it has to do with the weekend bloodbaths. Another day, another half-dozen gruesome murders or murder-suicides by some raging lunatic pissed off about something or another.

First, there was the Binghamton, New York massacre where a disgruntled Vietnamese immigrant sick of being a divorced, unemployed loser with limited English skills, opened fire on a class full of immigrants who managed not to flunk out, killing 14 people including himself.

Then, there was the the lovely young man in Pittsburgh who was so upset about President Obama taking away his guns and freedom that he decided to welcome the three police officers responding to his domestic disturbance call by ambushing them with an AK-47 before a four-hour standoff with cops that ended with two more shot cops and one bullet-ridden psychopath in custody. Hooray!

We round out the weekend's festivities in Washington state, where a monster masquerading as a human being murdered his five children (ages 16-7) before disposing of his own pathetic self with a gun shot to the head. That'll show the wifey and her new boy toy a thing or two.

Add these to last week's nursing home rampage in North Carolina, mass murders and family slaughters in California, Ohio, and Alabama, and the Oakland murder of four police officers in a single day, and voila! it's Springtime in America.

Nothing like the smell of fresh rose petals and still-hot bullet casings in the morning!

NRA Up In Arms Over Obama's Desire To Have Law Abiding Cabinet Members

Easy, Cowboy!

Gun nuts across the nation are up in arms over Socialist President-Elect Barack Obama's latest attempt to strip away Americans precious Second Amendment right to bear arms.

Turns out Obama's transition team is poking its nose into the personal life of potential cabinet appointees, asking outrageous questions about gun ownership.

At the end of the application, No. 59 out of 63 total, listed under miscellaneous, is the question:

“Do you or any members of your immediate family own a gun? If so, provide complete ownership and registration information. Has the registration ever lapsed? Please also describe how and by whom it is used and whether it has been the cause of any personal injuries or property damage.”

Can you believe the nerve of that man asking potential high-level advisers whether they pack heat while out for dinner or sleep with a loaded magnum under their pillow or just like the feel of cold hard metal and steel wrapped around their fingers?

It is clearly all part of his grand master plot to destroy America and turn it into a hippie commune where everyone smells like incense and plays bongos around the bonfire while passing 'round a peace pipe.

Despite the Obama team's insistence that the question is simply a procedural measure of caution, the NRA isn't about to let America turn into Woodstock on its watch, and have already filed legislation protesting inclusion of the gun question.

Besides, George W. Bush never had such a question when he took office in 2000.

And his vice-president only shot one person in the face while in office.

So maybe Mr. Barack Hussein Obama shouldn't jump the...uh, uh, broom here.