Saturday, May 23, 2009

C'mon, Be A Mancow: Waterboarding Isn't Torture!

Much like fellow right-wing toughguys Sean "Meathead" Hannity and Liz "Dick" Cheney, loudmouth Chicago radio host Erich "Mancow" Muller was so certain waterboarding was nothing more than a leisurely inner tube ride on a lazy river that he decided to give the fun aquatic process a go himself. That way he could finally prove to all those dumb liberals how not-torturous it is to lay blindfolded on an elevated table with your legs and feet bound while torrents of water are poured down your mouth and nose. Piece of cake, right?

"I wanted to prove it wasn't torture. They cut off our heads, we put water on their face...I got voted to do this but I really thought 'I'm going to laugh this off.' "

Turns out Mancow's rebuttal of this peaceful water-based intelligence gathering technique didn't go quite as he would have liked. After just 6 or 7 seconds, the brave shock jock thrashed on the table, and quickly threw the toy cow he was holding as his emergency tool to signify when he wanted the experiment to stop.

"It is way worse than I thought it would be, and that's no joke,"Mancow said, likening it to a time when he nearly drowned as a child. "It is such an odd feeling to have water poured down your nose with your head back...It was instantaneous...and I don't want to say this: absolutely torture."

What!?! Apparently Mr. Mancow Muller has never seen Kevin Costner's 1995 bomb Waterworld. Now that's torture!


Anonymous said...

Hannity never agreed to go through with it, and I wouldn't Hitchens is right wing in any sense.

imissamerica said...

Hannity said waterboarding was not torture and claimed he could handle it before reneging. Wonder how apt he'd be to do it now? True on Hitch. Amended version above.

stella said...

"It is way worse than I thought it would be, and that's no joke,"Mancow said, HA!
It doesn't take a genius to surmise that having water poured into your nose without any means to
control it would be torture.